Strong Willed Child - Inglewood,CA

Hi C.,

My step-daughter now 13 was the same way. Very strong willed. There is light ahead. I just kept on her and corrected her and reminded her of proper behavior. I have a book that I highly suggest to all moms (and dads) of girls. It's called "Raising confident girls". It will help in teaching her to keep her head held high and be proud of who she is. And yes her personality will change especially when she enters middle school.
~S

Hi C.,

I can empathize with you, as I had/ have a daughter who is strong willed also. Have you read the book from Dr. James Dobson, THE STRONG WILLED CHILD? It's fantastic.

With mine, I found out much too late that she is O.C.D. and bipolar, and both can be treated so they can live a happy and normal life. You might want her to get tested, just so you know and you can deal with the situation. This will just help parent(s) and child to live a more balanced life.

God bless you on the road to discovery on how to raise your daughter the best way possible for all of you.

Sincerely,
D.

I recommend the books:
"Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka &
"Growing Compassionate Kids" by Jan Johnson

Also, make sure that you bring this problem to God. Pray to Him often & ask that He help you find the right words & methods to inspire your daughter & that He help her open her heart to the feelings of those around her, and help her to love others. Ask your daughter to talk to other children the way that she would like them to talk to her. If you hear her being bossy or demanding, quietly pull her aside & ask her how she would feel if her friends talked to her that way. Tell her that Jesus asked that we love our neighbors (and friends)as ourselves & ask her how she thinks she can show love. Also, remind her that she was made in God's image & He wants her to be especially tall right now. He thinks that she is beautiful that way.

Do you ever describe to her hypothetical situations where you basically take her bossy behavior and put it on another child where she becomes the bossed? I always ask my son how he'd feel if he were the recipient of his undesirable behavior. Your daughter's still young enough that you should intervene as often as necessary. As she grows up other children won't want to play with her so hopefully you can nip this behavior in the bud. The only Biblical advice that I can think of is to pray that God will soften her heart towards her peers.

My 11 year old is gifted and VERY stong willed. I found over time that her behavior changed according to what reaction I have when she does it. For instance, she has been slapping her thighs and sighing really loudly for about 6 months to anything I ask her to do. At first I would get upset and tell her that it was not respectful. Well, as soon as I started ignoring the behavior, she stopped doing it. She was not getting an reaction, so she stopped. Of course I praise her for jobs well done and for doing things without me asking. This helps her to see that she can get a good reaction from me for doing good things and no reaction for doing unwanted behavior.

Of course, if it is bad enough behavior she will be punished, don't get me wrong, but she doesn't do things that are really bad very often. She knows when she crosses the line - for sure!

When she was younger she threw a full on tantrum in the store. I set the cart aside, walked her outside, put her in an area that I knew she would not hurt herself, sat on a wall and waited. I didn't say a thing and I didn't "watch" her. I could see her out of the corner of my eye so I knew she was safe. I let the tantrum run it's course. It didn't take long. She was not getting my attention and she was getting attention from strangers - she didn't like this at all! When she was done, I asked if she was done - went back in and finished. We talked about it briefly at home later when she was calm. She never threw another tantrum.

Good luck!

Hi C.! Well, I'm not sure about anything from a Christian perspective, but there's a great book called "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child" that may help you:

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-C...

It's about setting limits in a firm AND respectful way. It relies heavily on safe, non-punitive time-outs, and talks a lot about how to help children communicate better.

Good luck!

C....

As I read about your child....I am SO reminded of my early days with my oldest. Though she is now 13, and things are much easier....she was a pistol as a little one. Tantrums, stronged willed, into EVERYTHING! It was so embarrassing when we went out in public and she would throw herself on the floor to get what she wanted. People thought I couldn't control my child, but that wasn't it at all. I was doing the very best I could. C....I couldn't even take a bath until she was in bed. Not to mention I was a (young) single mother with a full time job and church related responsibilities. It was NOT easy. I was exhausted. I cried alot...but found great solice in God's (unchanging) word and in fasting and praying.

I developed a reward system for her, and we kept it on the fridge in the kitchen so she could see exactly how she was doing each day. It had things like..."doing what you're told without fussing", "not touching in public", "speaking in the tone of a princess", "putting toys away without being asked"....you get the idea. Each action was worth points. At the end of the day or week if she had a certain amount of points (ours was 50/wk)...she received a treat. I would polish her nails, give her a special hairstyle, rent a movie for us and make popcorn. Things to help keep her on track.

We also took points away FROM her for things like "throwing tantrums", "screaming", "taking things without asking". She VERY much wanted her 50pts/week and it encouraged her when she was able to look at the board every day. Some days it was hard taking points from her becasue I knew she was trying, but I had to be consistent in order for it to work. And in time...it did. She's a wonderful daughter.

I also involved her in dance (at my church) and a little bit of track. This was VERY helpful. My daughter now prays over me, and with me. She makes much better decisions, and is daily developing her relationship with Christ. In fact, this week she is fasting with our family. Who could ask for more.

I know I've written you a book so I'll stop now. But PLEASE...be encouraged to never give up. God WILL see you through. It took some time before I saw the fruits of my labor...but I DID see them...and she is growing into a wonderful woman of God. I couldn't be more proud!

You may also want to read the book by James Dobson..."The Strong Willed Child". This may be of some comfort to you.

Knowing that God will see you through!!
S. V.
www.dreamplanters.com
____@____.com

At age 6 they get a better idea of the 'self' and others.

Dear C.,

Just keep on doing what you are doing, and when she pouts, then she needs to go to her room and cry or pout or whatever suits her. You truly do need to let her know that is not the way to live with other people. My gr grand daughter is the same way, and she had to spend a lot of time crying because she didn't get her way, and I think that was time well spent for the whole family.

right now, I am in the soon to be late '70's' and I see so many young women who never learned the lesson of self restraint and even now in their 30's and 40's continue to demand their way or the highway. It is not right that they are so self centered when they should be now the strong center of the family guiding others toward a more peaceful way of life.

I told my grandson, after two disastrous wives, that the next woman that he is interested in should be 4 C's and a K. Kind, Caring, Cooks, Cleans, and Cooperates. He laughed and said that was not going to happen . Not funny to me.

Hang in there, You are preparing her to take wonderful care of your grand and gr grandchildren. Um hum, you are. C. N.

C.,
My 5 yr old daughter is exactly the same way. When she is bossy and rude or "stomps her feet", I just remove her from the situation and let her have her tantrum while I sit close by. Then we have a little chat. Remember, she is 5 and some of it is age appropriate. But as long as you hold your position and don't give in to her demands (I know it can be tough) and show her who's in charge, she'll come to respect you more.
Good luck.
M.

Congratulations, you've got yourself a leader on your hands!! Often times the qualities that are valued in adults are hard to handle in a small child. I realized this when my daughter was 3 and I was going out of my mind. I read a book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This was a big help to me. I'm also glad that you have a strong religious foundation - get her involved in as much church-related stuff as you can to give her a strong base. Good luck!

C.,

I would highly recommend reading "The strong willed child" by Dr. James Dobson. It was written in the 70's when spanking was more prevalent so you would have to take what works for you from the book and leave the rest behind. But that said, he is a Christian and uses that philosophy when dealing with his children and giving advise to other parents. His advise was very helpful to me with my 9 year old son (extremely strong willed). His tender, loving but "in control" approach got my attention and earned my respect. Good luck!

Hey, I am currently reading "The New Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. It has some great tips on how to handle children that have a mind of their own without hurting their spirit. Anyway I am just 1/2 way through the book and thought I'd pass the title along to you.

As a child development professional I have experienced this a lot, especially in girls around this age. I, also, was one of those girls. The best thing you can do that may be a little different than what you are already doing (which, by the way, is wonderful) is to use questions instead of telling her what to do or say- if she says something pushy or bossy ask her "how do you think that person felt when you said that? What could you have said instead?" The questioning will make her have to think a little harder about her words and actions, which might encourage some foresight and empathy on her part. It's important to remember that at this age children are really self involved and don't have much capacity for putting themselves in the shoes of others. This should help you. And she'll grow out of it... maybe by her twenties:)

And a great general book about character building in your children (but doesn't deal specifically with strong willed children much) is "The Mommy Manual" by Barbara Curtis. I am not particulary Christian in my interests, but this was an amazing book. Very inspiring, with some great parenting info that isn't the "same old same old" you hear everywhere else.

When I was a child I was very tall, and I was constantly on the move. After my mother got a call from the principle telling her that I had just dug a giant hole in the school yard, she decided that I needed something else. I was constantly being teased for being the tallest in every class (I was 5'7" in the fourth grade) and Always felt like an outsider.
My mother solved this problem by getting me into music and gymnastics. It took me 5 years to learn to play the drums, bass, and the flute. I loved every minute of those music classes. The gymnastic classes ended up turning into dance classes and soon after going into cheerleading classes.
I highly recomend a dance class because it will force her to use both the logical and the creative sides of her brain. She will end up having a much easier time communicating her wants and wishes politley.
I hope this helps. H. S.

My daughter is also pretty strong willed. She acted just as you describe with other children when she was 4 almost 5. Then she started Kindergarten. Even though she had been in preschool for 3 years Kindergarten changed a lot of her behavior with other children and she gets a long fine with most children. As far as at home I would ignore the pouting, don't ignore her, just talk to her as if she weren't pouting. Be firm but extra extra kind and think of how you would feel in her shoes and how you would want your mom and dad to react.

As far as character building, if you want her to be Christlike then read the Bible stories with her and help her to see that Christ showed us how to live because he loves us and wants us to be happy. Following His example will make us happy. When she says or does something ask her is that is how Chirst would act. But don't just say this when she does something wrong, do it more when she does the right thing and ask her how she feels.