Stepchild Out of Control--husband Oblivious.

He obviously has no parenting skills when it comes to discipline. Many other countries parent the same way he does though and they have a lot less issues with their children than Americans seem to. Some countries don't even tell their children "no" until they reach a certain age, such as 13 years old.

You are going to have to decide on some rules,no more than 3-4 to start with, and write them down and post them. Have a family meeting and talk about them and write consequences and rewards.

You are going to have to be more lenient and he is going to have to be a bit stricter. But if he and the ex-wife are on the same page you may have to realize it's out of your hands even if they live with you. They are the parents of those children and not you even though you are raising them, it seems he has told you that this is the style of parenting they have decided on.

These are some examples that might be open for discussion.
Our rules:
1. Pay attention when someone is talking to you, respond/reply in sentences.
1A. If you can't do this you are not able to go places and be around people. Privileges may be taken for several days.

2. Put trash in the trash can, if you don't it will still be there later and you'll still have to do it.
2A. If you do not do this then you will not be allowed to have similar items until you put the trash in the trash can. For example, no more cookies until the trash is put in the trash can.

3. You must have permission to go out of the yard.
3A. If you leave the yard then you will be grounded from going outside for the rest of the day and possibly up to a week. (Most severe consequences, if they are in the neighbors house playing for instance).

4. You must dress appropriately to go out of this house. Your hiney will be covered, your belly will be covered unless it's to gymnastics or tumbling. If it's cold outside you are required to wear a coat.
4A. You can stay home.

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Wow. I can't believe he just sat there while she was talking to your mom like that! How would he have reacted if it had been his mom?

My house used to be this way and my nephew's still is. My husband and inlaws are from the 'whatever makes them not cry' school of parenting. I watch alot of Supernanny and have learned alot. I've changed how I respond to things, and how allow my kids respond to me and my house is a much happier place to be.

The first thing I suggest is from Supernanny. Write up the house rules on a poster board and post them on the wall. You and your hubby should talk to the kids about each rule as a team. All 3 kids should be expected to behave the same. That's the only way that it works, if you treat all of the kids the same.

The second suggestion is a stop-light system. Create a stop light using 3 pieces of construction paper and some velcro. Red, Green, Yellow. Place a piece of velcro base on each color. On each color write down what the 'take-aways' are: yellow - no computer, no games; red - no tv, no playtime, etc. Then create 3 name tags. You can have the kids make these if you want to help include them. Place a piece of velcro top on the back of the name tags. The tags start out on green. As kids get warnings, they are moved to yellow. They then receive that punishment. If they still act out, they are moved to red. When on red,they receive the punishment of both yellow and red.

Another approach that I take when my kids take a sarcastic 'Are you done yet?' attitude is that I stop what I'm saying, look them in the eyes, and ask them 'Is that how you want me to talk to you?' They have 3 seconds to apologize. Then I start over with what I was saying.

Oh, and if you go the route of taking things away, and I have done this too, please don't make clothes part of what they have to earn back. I mean certain pieces of clothing like a new shirt or pants okay, but basic clothing is a need not a right that should be earned as suggested below.
Good luck
M.

I totally agree with you.
I just want to point out something---something I learned a little bit late.
I was a new step parent, and there were behavior problems and inconsistent discipline in our home.
I ended up being the villain.
What I learned later, is that one of the kids was probably reacting to a lot of changes in his environment.
Change in household, change in rules, change in schedule, change in schools, change in neighborhood, change in number of family members, change in family dynamics, change in time spent with grandparents, change of food served....
I didn't think about it at the time. It was a lot of change!! He wasn't just rebelling against me and rules he didn't like, he was stressed out. He was 5 years old.
6 and 7 is older but not by much, and some kids mature later than others.
Your stepdaughter sounds unhappy and resentful. She is in the wrong, but she needs help to change her point of view and get on the right path.
Try talking to her when you are not angry, and also try writing her little notes. Just make sure some of your communication is positive, so there could be a possibility of her trusting you or opening up a little.
Stepparents are easy targets in times of stress. It isn't fair, that that's what happens...
Also, I would remind your husband that children don't know much. They need to be taught how to get along with people, just like they need to be taught to do other things. Sometimes kids use adult phrases and attitudes, but they are just mimicking, and they don't understand the social significance of what they say and do.
Also, watch some of the TV shows she watches...you may find that she sounds like the characters in the shows.

YOU should NOT be the one to discipline because you are not the parent. It is your job to be a friendly loving supportive step mom and ONLY discipline if you are babysitting for a short time without your hubby. Eventually it will cause more problems in the family and tear everyone apart ( I have two children who live with their step dad and me) HE needs to step up to be a parent. He is doing these kids a diservice and they will have SO much trouble in life because of him. Tell him if he is going to be a lazy father unwilling to help his kids you and your daughter will stay away the entire time these poor neglected children are around. then follow thru eventually he'll see the seriousness of the situation and maybe he'll deal with it. (also have him ask how things are going at their school) If you feel guilty, remember you're doing what's best for your step kids! and in the long run saving your marriage

As for your husband, I am not sure how to get him to see the light, but the 2 of you need to sit down and get on the same page so you can show a united front. Than, if that was my child, her world would come falling down if that behavior did not improve. She wants to be rude? No computer, no cell phone. She wants to keep it up? No tv, no phone, no friends. Let her earn her privileges and items back for behaving like a civilized human being and treating others with respect. I once saw Doctor Phil recommend to a family that they remove everything except the mattress and bedding from their out of control child's room, and let him earn everything back from his cloths to his toys. I do not think I could ever go that extreme, but that boy sure did straighten up fast!

Buy a copy of RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN and make sure your husband reads it, too. Sounds like you need to give one to the mother for Christmas, too!

Anyway, kids need to understand that they are a part of a "team" and EVERYONE does their share, clearly, according to age and ability. These kids are certainly old enough to be responsbile enough to put trash in the container, pick up clothes, help clean, do small jobs, help w/ setting the table, picking up dishes, and even small cooking duties.

HOW does this woman think they will ever be able to stand on their own just by keeping them happy? She clearly needs a wake up call.

I've had a conversation recently w/ a child whose parents think the same thing. I told her a parent's job to help kids to learn to be responsible, help them learn to make good decisions, grow and mature so that they can THRIVE on their own, not mooch off mom and dad for the rest of their life because they have no life skills.

This conversation helped ALOT! She's only 8, but clearly old enough to help her understand that the kind of behavior they are demonstrating is NOT helping her at all. Honestly, when I give her things to do, she LOVES helping me and lots of times will ask if she can help. I always try and give her responsibility of some sort. It builds confidence, too.

Have a chart, if you have to, and list HOUSE RULES (picking up after yourself, no boogers on the furniture, etc. - common sense stuff) THEN.......add small responsibilites (not chores) for each person in the family. Switch them from time to time/week, so that each person learns to do other things AND everyone has a sense of responbility and belonging to the family.

Might want to have a family meeting to do this AND one at the end of the first week and a few following, just to talk about how it's going. Make SURE there are consequences to not taking care of your responsibilities and make SURE you stick to them. Have the kids help figure out what kinds of consequences should be put in place. They have a better time handling it if they were a part of the process.

Need to have some time w/ him to discuss what kind of adults he wants his kids to be. THEN, you clearly need to talk about what it takes to get them to that point. Some people just don't see the connection or consequences for poor choices.

Hubby needs to realize that whatever he is doing to "keep the kids happy" will come back to bite him in the butt eventually. Ask him if he can picture his daughter as a teenager and what he thinks she will be like. Ask him if he wants a teenage daughter who won't follow any rules, is disrespectful, abuses alcohol and/or drugs, or ends up pregnant. Ask him how he thinks she is going to function as an adult if she is not disciplined consistently now. Ask him what message does it send his daughter when he does not discipline her and she is allowed to act like a rude little brat.

You both need to have a long talk and agree on what the rules of the house are going to be and what the consequences will be if those rules are broken. This needs to be written down where everyone can see it and then enforced every single time. Obviously the kids have been through a lot and therefore I would recommend all going to into counseling together as a family. I hate to say it, but you might need to tell hubby that if he can't get a grip on his kids, and start stepping up in his role as a father, you might not want to be around to witness the aftermath.

time for family counsel....&/or parenting class. Your husband needs to learn how to be a parent....& if it's all coming from you, he will begin to resent it & side with his kids. Good Luck!

Oh, or have him watch the "1-2-3 Discipline" video. It's excellent! We've used it for years.....& it works.

He sounds quite cowardly and probably will never change.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is a tough one!! A divorced father is afraid to discipline the kids because it seems like a game between the parents to see who can get the love of the children. If he starts to discipline the children then they will say that they don't like him anymore. That is just the worst for him. The father will have to come to grips with the whole situation and figure out that discipline now makes for a better adult! Does he have any communication with the school that they attend?? I would think that they would probably be the one's who will make a difference.

I'd give some real serious thought to you, your husband, the birth mother, and the kids all going to counseling together. You need support from a neutral third party, your husband and his ex- need to come up with standards for both homes so there is consistency, the kids need boundaries and to express their frustrations to a third party. If his ex- won't go, that's unfortunate, but YOU all can still go. It will help, I promise.

Looks like you have a lot of reading to do now already. I just wanted to point out that the "little bratz doll" well, she has lost her real mommy, and no matter how the adults may view her real mommy, we all tend to love our real parents very deeply even when we know they were wrong. Is there any chance left to put her back in touch with her real mommy? You and your real daughter could have had, do have such the better relationship, and she sees this and wants her real mommy to do these things for her, not you. Don't blame her for wanting her real mommy. Don't point out to her how bad her real mommy is. We all grow up to copy-cat our real parents, at least in our 20's, while we try to work out how our parents could have behaved the way they did. Even getting yucky tatoos. But in our 40's we start to say "Ooh blucko, my parents really failed me, and it wasn't even their faults; because they were the victims too!" Once you get over being in love with that new husband, and start totally disrespecting him, you're going to ask yourself, why did I agree to all of this mess? It's all on you and nobody is going to be greatful. They are all going to resent. Even your own daughter for interupting what she coulda/shoulda had with you. Better if you could step out of that role, and run off with your own daughter and forget being savior to the poor little souls who have been ripped from the arms of their real mommy. If there is anything you could do to put the real back into their lives, and graciously step-aside and only offer her loving advise if/when she asks. Your relationship with their mom could turn out much better than anything with their dad. He's the real reason their real mom couldn't cope, but now with your encouragement, she likely can. My maltese is a natural born circus performer, showing me tricks I never taught her. My neighbor's pit bull is not. Maybe you are trying to make circus performers out of mutts, wasting yourself and precious time with what could become the world's greatest in your own daughter.