Stepbrother Begging on the Corner - How to Help

There is nothing that she can do to help. I know that isn't what she wants to hear, but it's the truth. He needs to "hit bottom" before anything will actually change. If she bails him out (like his parents did), then he's just buying time until the next fall.

She can certainly continue to bring him food or buy him gift cards to local food places, but aside from that I would keep her distance. She does not want to welcome this level of dysfunction in to her own home. It's really not her job to get him "clean and sober"... only he can do that work. The idea of toiletries and food items (especially maybe clean water) is good. Beyond that, she's asking to get drawn into something that his own parents have disconnected from.

My brother suffered from mental illness and was essentially homeless for the last 20 years of his life. I regularly gave him gift cards for a grocery store. Even when he moved to another province I was able to send him gift cards as long as he called and gave me an address to send them to.

Ditto OnePerfectOne. My youngest brother is also bi-polar and has a drug addiction. He actually prefers to live on the streets instead of a real home, but just went into one as he was threatened with being committed to a mental facility if he didn't comply. He'll leave, he always does.

I speak from so much experience. If I or my siblings give my brother food, he'll trade it for drugs or alcohol. If we buy him a gift card to a dollar type store where he can purchase food and necessities he "loses" it, we suspect he trades it or sells it for a lower price just to get some cash. If we buy him nice jackets, boots, clothing, warm socks, sleeping bags, backpacks, etc., he "loses" them, too. Oh, and he's gotten mugged, beaten and robbed on the streets, but will run right back to them and his "friends."

If I buy him food I've learned to have him eat it in front of me, like on the way home from our Mom's funeral last November. He was literally starving, we'd found him sleeping on a bus bench just in time to say goodbye to our Mom a few days earlier. He promised her he'd get his life together, do what he had to do, and he hasn't. I and my sister make sure he eats when he's with us, we used to give him gift cards for supermarkets, fast food restaurants or dollar stores, but no more. We love him, and know we'll get "the call" one day, that our baby brother is gone.

Your brother (step or otherwise) more than likely qualifies for SSI, being that he's about to age out of his current situation I'm guessing this has been explained to him, help to complete the forms probably offered. I'm sure all the help available: nightly shelters, rehab (which is useless unless he gets into a specialized dual-diagnosis one), a list of churches that give out vouchers or gift cards to nearby stores and food, food banks, free medical care clinics, programs and opportunities available to him, etc. have been given to him. They're experts, they deal with this every day. But he has to seek the help on his own.

The bottom line is, only HE can help himself, no one else can. Gestures of blessing bags with some food and toiletries is nice, but he has to help himself with the big stuff. You can lead a horse to water...

Hugs, I know this is hard and probably not what you wanted to hear.

If he's truly disabled, he won't age out of the system - Department of Mental Health can cover him, but he's got to be willing to be evaluated and placed in a proper setting. It sounds like he's taken advantage of everyone for money, and I think your sister keeping some connection with him through snacks and toiletries is a good thing, with a card listing available services in his area. You could write a few notes of support and have her put it in every other bag of essentials so he knows you are thinking of him as well as her.

Good luck.

This is a tough spot. I think it is nice of your sister to want to help him
but tell her to be careful, keep her distance & not let him know where
she lives. She is right not to want to invite thim into her home.

I think she can drop off a bag of toiletries, a big bag of food that won't
perish (like dried fruit, nuts, crackers, cheese log etc), few bottles of
water, maybe even a bag of fast food.

She can also look into assistance in his area & drop that off in a note
in the bag. He will be able to walk there in his discretion if he so
chooses to do so.

The only O. that can help your stepbrother is your stepbrother.
A "program" won't help him if he's not willing to accept help.
A "halfway house" won't take him unless he's clean & sober.
That's the conundrum.
There is a lot of help out there for him IF he's ready for it and wants it.
I suspect he's not and doesn't.
Dial diagnosis is very common (mental health and addiction).
What would **I** do if it was my stepbrother and I saw him begging?
I would give him money, food, etc. knowing full well that the best I was doing was helping him get through another day. Knowing full well the money would go to alcohol and/or drugs. Maybe getting him O. day closer to being ready to ask for and accept real help. **I** would also give him my number and let him know he could call me if he was ready for help and if he did, I would get him there.
Don't mistake generosity for help with mental health or addiction issues.
I wish your sister good luck!

There is a very strong likelihood that he can get Social Security Disability and Section 8 housing. My brother is 27 and has qualified for both for many years, although he has always lived with my parents.

Would she be willing to take him to meet with a social worker?

She could try taking him to the Department of Social Services for a start as well as the Department of Mental Health. He needs a social worker to help sort out what's happening and make sure that he gets all of his paperwork in order and to the correct people, and that he gets it all done within specific time frames.

He needs to have a neurological-psychological evaluation done by a qualified psychiatrist or neurologist or both. If he does have Bipolar disorder then he would qualify for state insurance and Medicaid or Medicare and either SSI or SSDI and possibly cash assistance. He should also apply for Part D, which would help with prescription costs once he's in treatment.

[Edit: He would also qualify for low income housing. NOT under RAP, though, because RAP isn't even accepting people for the waiting list right now it's so full. It might not open up for three years.]

If he's a bit flighty about going directly to the federal agencies right off the bat, then he can start with social workers at The Salvation Army. They can hook him up with some services including Centers for Independent Living that are familiar with the state programs and federal programs and can walk him through the application processes and research processes.

Sounds like he has people willing to help already, if he accepts it.

I've made the mistake of giving a known addict money, hoping that he would get to the point of actually getting help. It didn't happen. He just kept asking for more money and when I finally told him "No more," he stole it from me.

Tough situation- maybe you can find out what type of social services are available in that area to help point him in the right direction. talk to one of the counselors at one of those places for specific suggestions that might help him.
Good luck

That's just sad.

All that I can think of is to make sure he has some basics, and maybe a number where you or your sister can be reached. That's all that I can think of.

If your sister can talk to the people at the shelter about what is next for him ( or others in his situation if she doesn't want to mention him by name), maybe that will offer her some ways to help. They may even be able to direct her to other service options for him (which, in turn, may show her ways she can help).
I'm so sorry for your situation - bi-polar disease is so challenging and heart-breaking. You and your sister (and stepbrother) have my thoughts and prayers!

Is there a place which sells vouchers for food? We have a 'homeless cafe' in Portland where street folk can trade work for meals and others can buy meal vouchers for that restaurant to give to the homeless instead of cash. You might want to see if something like that is available.

Krista:

I cannot tell you how sorry I am to hear this.

Now for the hard part that will sound incredibly mean - but it's the truth.

NO ONE can help your step-brother - but himself. He HAS to want to get clean and sober. He HAS to WANT to get evaluated and keep on the medications that the doctor's prescribe to him. He HAS to want this. He can go to rehab 100 times - but until he is READY AND WILLING to get clean and sober - NOTHING will help him.

What can you do? You can send clothes, toiletries, snacks, etc. however, know that clothes and toiletries can be traded for the drugs or alcohol he is looking for/needs.

You can check with the local (his local) shelters and re-hab clinics to see what their costs are - since he is not employed - can he receive state aid to get better?

I hope he is ready to get clean and sober. I hope that he is willing and READY to accept the help. No more excuses. It is TOTALLY up to him.

Prayers to you and yours.

Unless your step brother asks for help, there is nothing that your sister can do. Even if he asks, she must be careful about what she does. She must first take care of herself and her family.

I speak from experience as police officer trained in mental health issues and as a mother whose adopted daughter's brother is living on the streets. My daughter opened her home to her brother hoping that he would get help. He was involved in some sort of rehab and didn't go to his appointments. He continued to drink and do drugs. She had to ask him to leave because she has children.

I don't have children but I wouldn't let him stay at my house because he wasn't doing anything to help himself. I've found that unless someone is actively looking for change in their life they will continue with their negative behavior.

He now visits from time to time and stays long enough to have a shower and a good meal. We feel so sad for him but until he wants to get clean and sober there is nothing anyone can do for him.

I've seen interns working with me in the summer do things such as you're suggesting with toiletries. One intern took a fan to a family. One of my friends too bedding and kitchen equipment to another family. All of these people abandoned the gifts because they did not have a stable life and could not stay in one place long enough to use what was given to them.

As for toiletries, homeless people have several resources for toiletries and unless they are actually living somewhere have no place to keep them.

As for looking into programs/opportunities, do not do that, unless he's also involved in the search. He will not follow thru unless he is invested in finding the program and succeeding in it.

I hope that he is able to transition to a more stable way of living thru this person. You can verbally support that effort.

Unfortunately some people have to hit bottom really hard before they're able to change their lives and even then most that have hit bottom never get better. Think of your own life and how difficult changes are. He is an addict. He's chosen to live on the streets rather than work at making a success of life. Yes, some homeless people are there because of mental illness. If your step-brother is mentally ill and/or an addict and not just homeless he has an even more difficult road to clean and sober.

Again, the only time helping someone helps is if they have made a strong commitment to change and ask for help. That's not to say we can't be kind. Giving him gift cards for food and snack foods is kind and helpful. Toiletries not so much so. Visiting with him, letting him know that you emotionally support him as he works towards improvement can be helpful as long as doing so doesn't take away from providing for yourself and your family emotionally.

Realize that his dad and step mom most likely have disowned him because they're burned out while trying to help him. They have learned that supporting him does not help him and hurts them.

Drop off so e clothes and toiletries and some food. If she does too much, he might decide that with her in the picture, he will just co it use on the path he is on. Tough love does work.

Hi, Krista:

There is a Co-Dependence Anonymous support group in VB.

Check on line at Coda.org.

Good luck.
D.