Step Daughter Problems/ a Lil Venting involved...sorry Kinda Long

I think it's perfectly common to have a stepkid get all over their bio parent and be jealous of the other kids in the family. My SD is 9 and she will crawl all over daddy and make him carry her around the house and want to exclusively have his attention. I have found the best thing to do in those situations is to let the child do it, she is obviously feeling needy. If she's pulling her daddy's face toward herself and away from the 23 month old, then your husband needs to reassure her that he loves her. I would suggest some one-on-one time with just daddy and her, perhaps you watch your 23 month old and let daddy take her out? My SD does much better when she gets some one-on-one time with daddy, even if it's just playing a game alone together for 30 minutes. I usually take that time to relax with a cup of tea and a book! I enjoy my "me time" and they enjoy some daddy-daughter time. If she's still like that AFTER daddy-daughter time then she needs an explanation from daddy that he's her half-brother's daddy too, and he loves them equally, and it's not okay to act that way.

Step families are a strange dynamic. The more you can roll with it, the easier it is.

My SD does the same things your SD does, and she's 9! Just keep after her (after all, it's YOUR house even if you aren't her mother) and let her know with patience that her behavior is not acceptable. She might need help cleaning her room, or she might need an incentive. You don't know what it's like at her mom's and your rules are different. So she might need extra help knowing what to do, and an extra reward afterward.

Keep up the great work! Being a stepmom isn't easy, but it has its own rewards! It's hard for anyone who is NOT a stepmom to even imagine what it's like. As for your husband calling you jealous, I don't know if jealous is the right word, it's just a different dynamic. In traditional families you have your own kids and they belong to both of you. In a step family you have someone else's kid that is NOT yours, and your husband to a certain degree, is still connected to and trying to raise a family with his ex. I have noticed that when my husband has accused me of being "jealous" he was in fact, shutting me out on purpose for fear of losing his special relationship with his child. I felt that shutout and was hurt. One time he took her out to see a movie that I had been excited about seeing with him. He didn't tell me they were going, and when I was upset he accused me of being jealous. Of course I was! Later on he admitted that he felt he was losing his special relationship with her and had taken her to the movie on purpose! Now we communicate and of course they have their daddy-daughter excursions but because we communicate I have no feelings of jealousy, just gladness that they have this special bond and I enjoy time to shop with my girlfriends! Communication is KEY!

Just keep being loving to her. She's acting out because she's the "visitor" in her daddy's new family. Can you blame her? If you keep being loving in spite of her behavior, eventually she will love you as the best stepmom ever.

And don't make a big deal about things like taking candy up to her room. That's nothing. Also, don't worry about her room being clean. In the minimal time she spends at her dad's house, she should be having fun there.

By the way, she's 5!! A kindergartener! 5 year olds don't make good maids! So having a 5 year old clean her room is a pretty high expectation. Relax about her.

I'm thinking that's how most 5-year-olds would clean a room -- and they'd probably think they did a pretty good job! When my girls were little I'd have to show them how to clean. Maybe she just doesn't get it.

She sounds like a normal little girl to me, who has issues from divorce, which is the most awful thing for children. Been there done that. So she's probably missing her own home a bit, and her mom. And she's feeling a little like a guest when her little brother gets to live there all the time. There are probably many things you don't realize in her little head. I would just keep loving her, like Page said. And think about the jealousy thing. Don't just dismiss it. Your husband must have seen something that led him to tell you that. She was in his life before you were, and she'll always be his little girl. And you shouldn't have any sort of role in discipline in my opinion, because you're not her step mom.

Sounds pretty typical of a 5 yo girl with divorced parents.
She IS jealous. You would be too if your little half brother got to live with your dad every day and you didn't. She wants attention, approval and LOVE.
I'm amazed that a 5 yo "cleaned her room" at all.

Re-read your words:

when her dad is home she's all over him and gets jealous if her 23 month old brother starts playing with him saying "my daddy" and takes hime away by huggin him by his neck and pulling his head towards hers

This is a very conflicted little girl that misses and loves her daddy.
As her step mom, don't expect this to "stop" or "go away". Her situation is different from your son's. You've gotta admit and respect that and deal with it accordingly.

This child is seeking attention. You can help her with unconditional love: lover her, love her dad, love her half brother and then love HER some more. Your 23 mo has the security of his mom AND dad right now. Se doesn't.

It sounds like she misses her dad to me. That she got to spend a few days straight w/him during the Holiday and when he left she missed him.

normal 5 yr old behavior.I dated a guy when I got divorced she was the same way about hogging daddy and saying my daddy. but it wasnt with another kid it was with his girlfriends and it was all of them. :) she will outgrow this.

It is normal. All kids do it, it is just more obvious when there is a step-parent and half-siblings involved. She needs some one on one time with each of you.