Sister Drama - Boise,ID

Keep in mind that she is really still a child and seems to have some growing up to do. Back off a little, don't reply right away when/if she text you unless it is a real emergency. Feel free to tell her no once in a while.

My guess is it's just a generation thing...sometimes what they say, text, or post is not truly what they mean/feel.

Okay, here's what you do. Give her the next week so that she can get that driver's license. Then give her space. LOTS of it.

Here's what is happening. You have turned into her mother. She is treating you just like you are her mother too. She is acting like a teenager and a spoiled brat. But she is living like a grownup, though she isn't quite ready for the responsibility.

Once she has her driver's license, don't take her anywhere. Tell her that she has to do it on her own now. Give her a deadline for the healthcare premiums and stop giving her incidental money.

When she asks why, tell her flat out that when she gave you her phone, the text message to her boyfriend about how she can't stand you was staring you right in the face, and you realize that you have helped her far too much because she resents you for it. DO NOT apologize for reading that text message. You need to stand strong and be the adult here and not look weak to your sister. This is an important lesson for her to have to grow up. Don't say it with a lot of emotion - say it straightforward. If she acts like a beotch, say you have to go and hang up.

She needs to think about what she has done. She also needs to make amends. She might not for a good while.

DO NOT keep giving her money in order to get her to have something to do with you. She needs to learn that you don't get to treat people who are kind to you like this, including her sister.

I hope you'll do this. If you don't, she will just use you more and more and you will resent it more and more. Then you two will just end up hating each other.

Dawn

Ugh. Sort of like eavesdroppers never hear good things about themselves.
Too late to turn that clock back. She sounds like most selfish teenagers.
You don't really know if that was just about the texts or an overall feeling.
You are going to drive her around one more week then stop or you are going to have to talk about this. You choose but until you talk about it your resentment is going to grow. I would probably make sure she got her license then stop being used by her. I would suddenly be really busy. The only way she uses you is by your permission. Don't give it.

I agree with Dawn, she is putting you in the place of a mom even tho you are the perfect big sis.

I WOULD mention it only because she told you to use her phone, you did not just sneak and find the text and her feelings need to be nipped in the bud and addressed before they grow and you continue to help her out and she continues to be unappreciative which is disrespectful and the disrespect may grow for what ever reasons.

Even though it is minor it hurt your feelings and it sounds like you go out of your way for lil sis, so you really need to talk about it.

oh honey she is SO young. and it's not about age. it's about being at different places in your lives.

i am having a similar situation. i am 35 and this girlfriend of mine is 23, and the age gap is SOOO huge...it's just not working. we don't value the same things, we don't treat people the same, we don't have the same core morals. she is still in that "selfish" phase, as is your sister.

it is a very hard lesson to learn. but we never stop learning do we?

you can still love her, while realizing that she is just not an appropriate person for you to spend a lot of time with and view as a "friend" like that. you can be her big sister but it really sounds like some space is required. let her come to you, don't invest your happiness in her behavior. she's young. she'll let you down (again).

Ouch...that hurts. No offense but she sounds immature and is a user. She also shows a complete lack of consideration she has for your schedule. I would talk to her because she is your sister. But don't have expectations that it will change anything. She has some growing up to do and I would keep my distance for a bit. One day, she will appreciate her big sister. Best to you!

I urge you to find a time when it's just the two of you and discuss this. Start out by saying you noticed her text message and even tho you know you shouldn't have you did read it. Tell her you feel hurt and want to find a way to make your relationship better. All too often irritation builds up because we don't clear the air when something irritates us. I suggest that her feelings have been building for some time and that once the two of you talk about them, and yours too, that you'll both feel better and have a better relationship.

Also have another conversation, maybe at a different time or this time if it fits in about what both of you expect from your relationship. You may feel somewhat put upon because she needs so much and that may be leaking thru in the way you say things. She may think that she has to be quiet about things because you are helping her when in a healthy relationship both sides must be open about their feelings. It's only when both of you recognize discomfort that you both can do something about it.

After reading Dawn's post I remembered the difficulty I had with my daughter when I helped her after she got pregnant at 19. She resented me and was able to eventually tell me it was because she felt that I was taking over her life. We were in a mother and teen relationship in which she had to rebel to feel that she could gain her own independence. We are getting along really well now and I only do something for her or give her advice when she asks me to do it.

You are giving her rides and helping her when she asks. I suggest that she's resentful because she has to rely on you. By backing off and letting her be independent and find ways to take care of herself you will lessen her need for you and make way for room for an adult relationship.

I agree with Dawn about how to manage this situation.

Whoa. I would have confronted her right there. Then pulled over and told her where the bus stop is. She may have been just venting and she is young but use that as a tool to teach her in the future that if she doesn't appreciate the people that help her, then to figure it out on her own.

i would find other things to fill my time.

I had a similar situation happen to me recently. Instead of confronting the text, I left to clear my head and think things over. I didn't want to do or say something that would make it a bigger deal.

In my time of thinking, I called on a dear friend, who is an absolutely great person at heart, and tells it like it is, and believes highly in his faith.

When I expressed my feelings on the situation, he said, that text was not for you. Had you not gone into the phone you would not have seen it. Obviously this person felt they had nothing to hide or they wouldn't have allowed you to go into the phone.

My comeback was, well, what if they forgot about that text?

He said, it doesn't matter. It wasn't meant for you. If this person was that unhappy with you, they most likely would have remembered that text and erased it before handing you their phone.

I don't know if your sister was driving or not when this happened, but maybe this advice will serve you well.

Just to note, when I saw this person again, they could tell something was off. When they asked what was wrong and I tried to brush it off, they said they knew me better than that and pushed for me to open up.

I did end up telling them that I read the text and how it made me feel. It did get blown up. But the end result was, that we resolved the issue.

I personally hate sweeping things under the rug. I don't want a pile of dirt later. Sometimes that only makes other situations worse, because then you explode with a full arsenal of weapons.

Good luck

she sounds like she is using you for rides. if when she does indeed get her license she starts ignoring you, there's your answer.

You were not meant to read that text. We all get annoyed with the ones we love most. Don't think she doesnt love you or respect you. She was venting a little to her boyfriend.... no biggy. When she does get her drivers license she will not bother you so much. You will not see her that much. I think her age does have a lot to do with it, I think its somewhat a selfish age. I would let it go.

Nothing. She's 18. You're 31. She's still pretty much a child and you are an adult. She's saying and doing the things that teens say and do regarding their mothers.

Let it go and help her when it's convenient for you, but if you bring this up you will have to let her know that you snooped into her phone and that will not end well.

Ugh. Too many people excusing her because of her age. I'm sorry, but 18 is plenty old enough to know some gratitude and not be a b*t** to people who are helping you out.
Other than that, I agree with the sound advice that you have received. I hope you are able to make amends with your sister in due time.

Your sister sounds like my daughter. Every time I turn around, I hear that she's bad-mouthing me. But let her need something, and she's ringing my phone. I am sooo tired of it that I just want to turn my back on her and not talk to her, but she has my grandchildren and I can't/won't turn my back on them. Sometimes I feel like she has me over a barrel because of the kids and it makes it hard, but I just remind myself that what I do, I do for them, not her.

If I were you, I would just not be available for her anymore. I don't think it will do any good to confront her because she'll just make up some stupid lie to explain the text and you'll still feel the same way.

Use it for your own information and then decide how you are going to move forward with your relationship, if at all.