Shy Girl - How to Cope with Big Groups?

I had a similar experience with my daughter at exactly that age. She was miserable and clingy at birthday parties (even one at her best friend's house next door where she's normally very comfortable) and needed months to adjust to a new preschool. We made the mistake of inviting too many kids to her own birthday party, so she didn't even enjoy that. As a parent, it's very frustrating, stressful, and even awkward (e.g., at other kids' birthday parties). My only advice is to be patient and let her avoid situations that are stressful for her (in our case, we started skipping some birthday parties). I too was worried about social anxiety and how she would cope with kindergarten -- but the year between now and then can make a big difference.

I agree with the other writer's advice that you try to identify a teacher she likes who can help reassure her and ease her into activities. In our daughter's case, she recognized what kinds of situations made her anxious and we reassured her that it was okay to not like certain things (like big parties); I think it helped her to know that it's okay to be who she is. Since that time, she has become much more comfortable in larger groups, including public school classrooms, but she still gets anxious in some situations and that's just her personality. I wish you patience while your daughter matures!

From others who are not from the US, particularly those from Asia, I've heard that American kids seem noisier and more active. If your daughter was used to a more quiet environment, maybe she finds the others' behavior overwhelming, or too "in your face."

I think a small-group class to practice social skills, facilitated by a counselor/therapist may help, but you may have a tough time finding one who takes preschoolers. Your pediatrician may be able to suggest a practitioner or other resources.

Social skills involve behaviors that we've performed for so long, we don't even think about them. Not everyone picks up on these behaviors, however, thus they need to be taught.

For example, what do you do when you meet someone for the first time?

Make eye contact
Smile
Reach out to shake hands
"Hello, my name is A. M"

Hi, A.,
My first thought is: Her preschool teachers just told you she wouldn't participate? Did they offer any ideas or suggestions? Do you know if during her preschool hours they take time to work one-on-one with her for a few minutes now and then, or if they try to pair her off with just one other child for a while on a project? In other words--are the preschool teachers just labeling her as "won't participate" or are they actively trying to engage her, "meet her where she is" by letting her work or play in smaller groups for now, draw her out and get her more comfortable in the larger group, etc.?

If they're not already, they should be working with her, you and your husband on this now, before she is kindergarten-bound. Kindergarten teachers (especially in public school, where classes may be bigger) will not have time then to work with her as much. It would help to get her at least to tolerate larger groups a little better before kindergarten, when she will probably have to do more of the things that melt her down now, like counting in front of others. If working on it at preschool doesn't help, you might look into having her evaluated for social anxiety -- a preschool classmate of my child was diagnosed with it, got some limited therapy and improved quickly. Your daughter really does not sound as introverted as this child was, and I don't advocate rushing to therapy for what may be a childhood phase, but it's also worth noting that some kids can truly experience this anxiety and can benefit from third-party help.

What are the activities at preschool in which she does participate? Can you try those at home with several kids over?

I'd say keep exposing her to groups that get gradually bigger -- a play date for three, a play date for four at a place that's not your home (the park, the mini-golf place, or doing any activity she likes so she's engaged), a small tea party at home or the park for four or six friends she chooses (and let her help lots with the planning details, making the cupcakes, etc.). It sounds like maybe she needs to feel in control and secure in groups and letting her plan things might help with that. Also, if she were to find an activity she loved so much that it outweighed the shyness that could help -- ballet or soccer or art class or taekwondo or whatever really, really excited her enough to forget that it's being done in a group and to make her not care if she's called on by an adult. Good luck and report back to us!