Should I Get Mean

just applying online isnt going to do squat. He needs to get his name out there. Tell him to sign up with as many staffing agencies as possible that deal with his position. I did, signed up with 3 and within a month had a permanant job. Even temp jobs can get his foot in the door somewhere.

Ugggh.
I have a friend who kills herself to be able to afford child support for her husband's kids and she gets frigging fed up. I can't blame her, but she does it. Because they are married, (he got into arrears after a worker's comp injury) they take their tax returns so she slaves. Her husband has a job, but he won't work one second of overtime and takes time off everytime he gets a sniffle. She goes to work sick no matter what.
I can promise you that looking for work for your husband and applying on his behalf will get you nowhere. She was doing that too and he never so much as followed up on one single thing. She was getting interviews for him and talking to employers and I love her, but I thought from an employer standpoint, that it seemed a little weird that SHE was the one doing all the communicating.
When it came down to it, she couldn't force him to comply or attend interviews for jobs he didn't even apply for.
If divorce is not an option, then you just have to continue to do what you do and know that you can't force your husband to do anything above and beyond what he doesn't want to do.
I, personally, would NEVER work to pay a man's child support. I have kids of my own and I don't mind killing myself for them, but I'm not doing it for a man's kids. I'm not doing more than he's willing to do. That simply will NEVER happen. Love has nothing to do with it.
I've stayed single after my divorce for 14 years because all the men I meet have kids and barely make it because they pay support. That's fine. They SHOULD pay their support. I don't get support for my kids, I'm not working to pay some other woman. That's cold and harsh, I know, but I've saved myself the heartache I see other women deal with.
One friend's entire paychecks went to pay for her husband's kids while her kids went without. They went without mom because she was working all the time and they went without normal day to day things because the other kids came first according to a court order. I just would never do that.
You're going to have to work as a team and he's going to have to figure out how to help you juggle all of this. There is no other option.
You feel at the breaking point and I personally don't blame you.

I hope you get some great advice. Maybe talking to him about splitting things will help him understand you are really serious.

Best wishes.

Getting mean WILL NOT solve anything! I lost my job in 2008 and have yet to find a new one. There are so many people applying for the jobs that are available that the companies are bombarded with thousands of applicants. At least you see him trying to find work, as alot of people have given up. This is a very ugly time for a lot of people. I would look into Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University! My hhusband and I did that about a year after I lost my job, and it taught us common sense ways to get rid of debt. As far as his child support goes, he needs to contact either his lawyer or the child support department and let them know about his situation. Just remember, in marriage it is no longer "my" money or "your" money, it is OUR money.

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Hi S.,
If divorce is not an option (good for you, I highly applaud you for that!), then don't act like it is. Do not separate your money out from his. You are one flesh. You are one. Not two. A man without a job should be spending all of his time, as though he has a full time job, searching for work. There is no excuse for spending less than 8 hours a day job hunting. THAT is his full time job right now. Yes, it is hard, depressing, etc. But, he's the man, and he needs to do this. I don't think you should ever "get mean" with him. Love him, encourage him, support him, and let him know you two are one-you're in it together with him. Show him respect. Give him something to live up to. Don't fight him about this. Be his best supporter emotionally. Let him know how much you appreciate him and respect him (he shouldn't have to "earn" your respect any more than you should have to "earn" his love). Ask him what his thoughts are on this. Ask him what he sees as the way out of your problems. Go to him in love, not in a critical way. Remind him that you are a team, and you want to see what the game plan is. And, if he is a good man, trust him.

If divorce "is not an option" (and I agree that financial difficulty is not a reason for divorce) then you need to work together, not seperately to dig out of your hole. Get Dave Ramsay's Total Money Makeover book and start doing the baby steps.
If he is working and gets "good pay" then something should be making it's way to his ex and his two children every month.
It sounds like you're in a situation where you BOTH may need to get second jobs for awhile to address the debt. You have four more earning months before you have to move so use Ramsay's techniques for paying down that debt and determining you next best housing option.
Good luck. Finances are the #1 cause of marital disharmony.

One question is does he spend friviously? You seem very angry at him, but if he is not wasting his income and does desire work and contributes to the household in a variety of ways, then I think you need to get over anger, because this is problem that needs teamwork and that team is the two of you.

That said, my husband and I said we would work in fast food for minimum wage if we needed to. If he has a spare 3-4 hours in his day, then he could be mowing lawns and washing cars. And the same goes for you. So, I don't think you need to "get mean" but you both need to reevaluate whether you are doing all you can.

Also, I think it is fine if it makes you feel more secure, to put some money aside for your daughter. But how is keeping your bills seperate going to help anyone? As a married couple, you BOTH are in debt and both responsible for it.

My family is struggling at the moment too, although not to the same degree. I hope it works out soon.

Updated

One question is does he spend friviously? You seem very angry at him, but if he is not wasting his income and does desire work and contributes to the household in a variety of ways, then I think you need to get over anger, because this is problem that needs teamwork and that team is the two of you.

That said, my husband and I said we would work in fast food for minimum wage if we needed to. If he has a spare 3-4 hours in his day, then he could be mowing lawns and washing cars. And the same goes for you. So, I don't think you need to "get mean" but you both need to reevaluate whether you are doing all you can.

Also, I think it is fine if it makes you feel more secure, to put some money aside for your daughter. But how is keeping your bills seperate going to help anyone? As a married couple, you BOTH are in debt and both responsible for it.

My family is struggling at the moment too, although not to the same degree. I hope it works out soon.

Getting mean at this point of the game would be a waste of time. What you need to do is just get real and smell the coffee so you can see the situation for what it is and deal with it.

I don't see why you're saying divorce is not an option. If you start dividing up expenses into "his" and "hers" categories, that's what the end result is going to be and sooner than you think.

Furthermore, from your story, there seems to be this 100 foot elephant in your living room that you are ignoring. You say dh makes good money (just not consistently) and you have a job, but somehow he has acrued all of this debt and because of it, you and your daughter are forced to endure living in less than ideal conditions and now **you** will have to get a second job to in effect pay his ex wife's child support and maybe to stave off losing your own house and credit?

I could be wrong, but I think there is more at issue concerning your situation than just an unfortunate stroke of luck and financial setbacks where your husband's employment is concerned. Would you be so quick to divide responsibilites where debt concerned if he didn't have entanglements and obligations to his ex? Because I think that's what the problem is here...not just plain old money problems.

This is an awkward and difficult predicament you're in. It sounds to me like deep down inside you're afraid because you know if you stay, you will be paying for his life's choices good and bad, financially and romantically.

I'm sure you already have done the homework and know that no matter how you "improve" your financial situation, short of him getting a secure job that pays enough to support you and his ex, YOU will be the one ultimately funding his ex's child support with a second job. It sounds like it might even be too late for you to save yourself and your daughter, and may have to just be prepared for the long haul, as the man's credit is shot to heck, and based on your information will soon be homeless, carless, and is barely able to keep consistent work.

No undue insult to him, but plain and simple, it sounds like he's the walking wounded and he' s in no position to support himself, let alone two families. I guess the question for you to consider is; are *you* okay with *that*? Are you okay with the reality of you ultimately becoming the supporter and executor of *all* of his financial problems and burdens?

Reality is, your credit could already be ruined, as well as his if your shared credit is delinquent. What plan other than a second job do you have in the works? Time might already be wasting or long past if you don't line up housing now, or look into filing bankruptcy now, you could be worrying about worse things than being able to pay back creditors...like homelessness. Not to mention, bad credit can affect future employment for the both of you.

I think you need to decide if you're in this marriage or not for the long-haul. If you don't have a problem with what your future realistically holds, then stop complaining and get this man's butt in with a credit counselor, and/or a bankruptcy attorney and the two of you come up with a realistic financial and employment plan. As for whether or not he can deliver to your specification...only time will tell. Right now, I think he's not up for the job...and might even need counseling as his life sounds like it's spinning out of control with no clear direction or purpose...and he's all to happy to suck you into his miserable vortex of woe.

If you're not up for being the solution to his "financial" problems (because realistically this is the only option in the scenario you have painted), then you might need to evaluate your relationship and situation as a whole to save yourself and your daughter...because the only thing you can change in this situation is you. Waiting for a man who has a track record of not being able to follow through with anything in any area of his life, is more than likely not going to change his stripes. You either accept him as is and deal with it, or get out before the stakes get too high.

"Getting mean" generally is not helpful in any kind of relationship. The emotional fallout is unpredictable and usually nasty. But "getting clear" can work well. You might try writing out all pertinent facts and figures, income sources, who contributes what, and debts, who owes what. And sit down and present these as unemotionally as you can.

I don't know about OK, but many states consider married assets and liabilities as a combined lump. No "mine" and "yours."

You might do well to get some debt counseling. There are non-profit organizations that will help without adding fees of their own (google for these). Good luck to you – it sounds like your finances need some serious thinking through.

If your name is on his accounts as well, then you as well are responsible for 'his' debts.

Call Consumer Credit Counseling and get some solid financial advice. This will keep things neutral, leaving the emotions out.
Good luck.

Get mean and lay down the law it takes two incomes to raise a family in todays world. It worked for me.

it sounds like you think he is doing what he can?, why get mean? Maybe get elbows deep in the job search with him.