A little background...I married into a large, close-knit family. Earlier this year, I was told that my husband's siblings had started discussing plans for his milestone birthday. When I asked if I could be involved, I was told they really had no plans. When I pressed for more information as to what, if any, ideas they had discussed, the answer was the same. Throughout the following months, I came up with a theme, decorative ideas etc. When it came to the location and date, after emailing and txting, I got no response. (There is one individual besides the mom who is the main spokesperson for my husband's family, so I asked her repeatedly her thoughts.) Anyway, with no response I queried them to find out what their thoughts were. I was told they could not commit although the place and time is one where the family historically gets together. I understood that times are tough and tried to make adjustments. (Please understand that my husband until shortly after we married was the main financial contributor to these bday events.) Although I put forth many dates, all were turned down as being too far in advance of the actual bday. Eventually, our financial situation became one where we could not afford to pay for his party. Despite the common knowledge of this, no one offered any help even to get together to discuss the party. Two weeks before the day of his birthday, I received a call asking whether I was going to do anything for his birthday because he deserved a good birthday. I txt'd the whole group telling them that I had decided on a guy's game night and we would have a bigger party after his bday when we cold afford it. They all txtd back: "good" or "ok". No one showed for the guy's night and when I went to church the next day they had a bday party for him complete with cake, balloons and picture bday card without me. After calling to say I was on my way home (15 min away) I got home to a completely empty house save my husband.
What would you do? I haven't said anything to any of them and continue to treat each of them respectfully including calling on Christmas but honestly I don't know what I could've done to deserve that type of outright rudeness and deception. Thoughts?
(In response to Jackie: I am definitely going to think about what you said. I would point out that this is the only family event of many that I had much say about including our wedding in which they pointed out was really my husband's since I had been previously married and already had my chance to plan my own.
To Eula: Every Sunday my children and I attend church without my husband...he has little interest in attending anything that is not related to his group of friends or family and loathes public events. It was a typical Sunday with the exception of talking to my MIL prior to church and answering her questions regarding when church service started and whether I planned to go to her house afterward as usual so she could see her grandkids. When I replied I was unsure and when my husband said he'd meet us after church at her house, she replied his sister would already be back on her way to her out-of-town home. My husband told her to tell his sister "bye" for him.)
No big changes made. In fact, I called Christmas and txt'd New Years. I received three replies from his family: his mother, younger sister, and a nephew. I have talked to my MIL a few times since w/o mentioning the incident...she did tell my daughter in front of me that she had been to our house when we were not, but I did not comment. Their Christmas party is this weekend and though I considered not going (to give me and them the opportunity for a stress free day), I decided I wasn't sure whether my reasoning was influenced by my emotions and figured they would take it as a retaliation or something.
I am considering no longer taking the children to grandma's every weekend as she is capable of visiting us and it is HER wish to see them weekly. I also feel a bit as though continuing to put forth the effort enables them to feel they can do as they please and I will continue to do whatever they want.
All that said, I want no one to think that they are incapable of doing things for others or that I am ungrateful to them. My MIL has babysat many times over the past four years...even when I was in the hospital. She is uncomfortable with my oldest who has autism and is not her biological grandchild. It may be due to his autism. She has also offered more than once to assist us financially when something has gone wrong...like when my husband's truck broke.
I do think we (my husband, me and our children) need to be a little more independent of the family group. I just don't know how to walk that fine line.
I dont know you at all and I could be dead wrong. From what you wrote they had a plan in mind and did not want you involved because perhaps you are a bit controlling. I know I personally have done this and told the controlling person show up "here" at the last min. Perhaps you just need to step back and let them be incontroll of that one birthday party.
Wow, Athea!
I'm in disbelief! I am so sorry you were treated so poorly. I do not know their side of the story, but no matter what their side is, the way you were treated is unacceptable.
I think it's time you sit down and have a talk with your husband. For your husband to have allowed this, and even participated in it, is appalling and he needs to know how you feel and this kind of behavior from he or your in-laws will not be tolerated, EVER!. Your in-laws, and your husband, have deceived you and have negated your rights as a wife and mother to their neices/nephews/grandchildren.
You might take the advice of the post who offered her business card for counseling services. I have a feeling, from your description of your husband, that he would never participate in a counseling attempt. But it's my advice that you should go and try to figure out how you will deal with this very controlling extended family of yours.
I'm trying to figure out why you wouldn't have stopped at the altar after you were excluded from planning your own wedding. In stark contrast to another ost that implied you are controlling, I think you are too passive. You cannot continue to let this family walk all over you. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and hold your ground. I am sorry for you and for your children to have to watch there mother being beat down by their father and his family.
Godspeed to you, Athea.
Unbelievable! AND unbelievable that some want to blame you for it! Definitely do not keep up the charade - they deserve no phone call on Xmas. There is no miscommunication here; they obviously set out to exclude you. I would talk to your husband about it since it's his family. They would probably be more receptive to hearing something from him. If he won't stand up for you (which is another problem), then you should let them know how hurt you were by their actions and ask why they did it. If you are frozen out, then feel no obligation to maintain contact with them - including bringing the kids over to the MIL. Things will be awkward, but that is their fault, not yours. You should try to work it out, but ultimately you can't control others' behavior, only yours. Don't subject yourself to it. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I hope your husband steps up.
Hello,
I am a Christian and I am also a professional owner of a psychological services agency. Let me simply say, give them my card. You did not deserve that nor did your husband and there is a way to handle these type of family situations but it involves hurting feelings but the main thing to rememember is that you are married to him and he is married to you so everything and everyone else can either get in the "far" back seat or get out of the car.
For whatever reason, they do not accept you, yet, into their
family. You cannot demand respect, but your husband can
demand respect for his choice for a mate and that you be
included as a family member. He's not asking them to like you
or love you, just treat you with respect. And that is a gift to "HIM" from them. Should come naturally but we see all the time families that don't gel. I don't see that you can do anything more than you've already done. It is your husband's job, now. You must communicate all of your feelings to your husband now. His response to your feelings will tell you alot. Lots and lots of luck.
I'm surprised that your husband didn't say anything to his family when there was a party going on and you weren't there. I can't imagine that my husband would have participated in his family's event without me there. Find out what happened from him. I can't believe he didn't tell his family right then and there that they needed to wait for you to cut the cake or celebrate any more. He seems to be allowing this type of behavior and until he puts his foot down with his family, they will continue behaving this way because apparently he has allowed it. HE may not realize that he is allowing them to treat you this way but he is. You need to sit him down and review the facts with him and find out what is going on.
Let us know what happens!
For whatever reason they don't see you as a part of the family. First you need to talk to your husband about how this makes you feel and just how rude and childish his family's behavior was. I'm going to assume that it was a surprise party for your husband and he did not participate in the planning or the deception (if I'm wrong that's a whole other thing you have to take up with your husband). Assuming he was not in on it, you have to let him know that they have treated you badly and you won't stand for it anymore. He can't make them like you, but he can insist that they are respectful of your role as his wife. For your part I would be polite and extend invitations when appropriate but don't go out of your way to include them in any future events. Also explain to your husband that if they want some "alone" time with your husband (maybe the siblings like to get together without the spouses) that's fine but it needs to be out in the open. My main point is that this is something that you and your husband need to work out together to make sure you are treated properly and he can maintain his relationship with his family without stepping on you.
Good luck,
K.
So sorry that you are going through this. I've been shoved aside and excluded when it comes to my husband's family events but that has to do with his family remaining close to his ex-wife. Does your husband seem bothered by any of this or have you discussed it with him? You need to be very careful about getting between him and his family but you need to make sure your husband knows how you were made to feel about all of this. If he doesn't get it, try talking one-on-one to one of his family members (not the ringleader) and let them know you were hurt and that you are trying to figure out why it happened. Sometimes a "I don't know what I did wrong" approach can elicit a candid response. The ringleader may be the only one responsible for your exclusion or there may be more to it. I know it hurts a lot to be excluded by family like this - please keep your chin up. Best of luck.
WOW! That is incredibly hurtful! I feel for you.
I have no answers for you. But if you feel you have the opportunity, let them know they deeply hurt you. Also let them know that you will no longer be included in any plans and certainly will not be paying for any other parties in the future.
Extended family stinks sometimes doesn't it! I've been in situations much like this with my own siblings and with my husband's family, and rejection is really rotten. You are left completely powerless to do anything because retaliation violates your own personal moral ethic, but yet you are so sick from the rude treatment, you feel something must help you get over it...something that can change the past. I guess what I've done is made the decision to withdraw from decision making with groups of people who don't value my effort. If my sister thinks it important to leave me out of something I've asked to be part of then I put my effort into my little immediate family and allow her to handle it herself. If my father-in-law decides to make a decision about the family reunion that totally inconveniences and makes our small part of the family unable to participate, well so be it, we won't participate. O.k. so you can hear the bitterness oozing off the screen as you read these words. I'm a really forgiving person, so there is something about these types of situations that is hard to get rid of. Perhaps its because its hard to talk to others about them without exposing hurt, so they never get shared and we hold on to them longer.
When one is given a heart to help its almost more self-punishment to not participate in the planning, but I'm really trying to focus on our immediate household and to show respect to elders without messing with the issues of others. Do your best to share your hurt with your husband and to set it asside. Keep concentrating on your own little nest, and work on your own children's communication skills as they grow.
Wow, you are a lot nicer than I would be. I probably wouldn't have texted everyone after the birthday party letting them know how thankful I was that they threw a party without me (heavy on the sarcasm!)
I feel for you as I have some in law family drama of my own. I have no idea why they would not include you in your HUSBAND"s birthday plans. I agree that you should talk to your husband it is time for him to stand up for you and let his family know that you should be included in family plans.
Hang in there! I'm sure things will get better!
Wow. Have they always been horrible or is it new? Sorry, I can't imagine what you could've done to deserve that. I can't believe your husband is OK with it. Good luck dealing with those people for the rest of your marriage.
Maybe talk to your husband about it, but honestly, if they are that vindictive then you may as well hang it up. They knew what they were doing and did it anyway. Especially if you brought it up to them several times. Then to purposely exclude you, the wife, is deceitful.
Just forgive and forget because all it will do is eat you alive. You can't help how other people are and you just have to accept it. They are family and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about that. They are grown people and set in their ways. Discuss with your husband and if he chooses to say something to them, then great. If not, then thank God for your husband and children and go on with life. You are stuck with them as long as your husband is around and to make war will only make future events more heartache on you. Remember that they are more in number and you are only one.
A few questions:
How long have you been married?
How old are the "three" (not sure what AHM means)
Why did you go to church alone? Because your husband knew of the plans?
Bottom line - some counseling certainly seems indicated! If your husband won't go with you, go alone and get some peace for yourself.
Best of luck to you!
I would tell my husband to have a word with this family. They sound like an unpleasant bunch.
