Seeking Advice on How to Stop a 6 Yr. Old from Stealing.

Is he stealing just the Nintendo games, or other things as well?

If the former, then get rid of the Nintendo. Period.

If the latter, then you should speak with his physician about his behavior.

Maybe you're not being hard enough on him. The game just needs to go - not for a "set amount of time", but for a LONG time. He needs to feel deeply the consequences of his actions and losing his favorite pasttime for say, the entire summer - will definitely hit him where it hurts. He shouls also lose the privilege of being able to go inside the neighbors house for a good amount of time as well. I'm not saying to keep him away from his friends, but it is summer and they can play outside. Not being allowed in the house may be somewhat embarrassing to him if he is asked to go inside and he has to say that he isn't allowed and maybe that will hit home, too. Good luck.

Hi K.,

I would suggest that you have a circle meeting. In Restorative Justice programs, a circle is formed with all those who are affected by the offender's actions.

The whole neighbor's family and your family.

In the Circle, Here are the questions you ask your son:

1. What happened?

2. What were you thinking of at the time?

3. What have you thought about sinc?

4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?

%. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

You ask those who have been harmed by your son's action to explain how your son's actions affected them with these questions:

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?

2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?

3. What has been the hardest thing for you?

4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

This dialogue will create in your son a feeling of shame and he will be remorseful, and apologize on his own without prompting.

This can be sealed with a written contract which everyone signs.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

without knowing anything else about your son I'm going to throw this thought out to you. My daughter has ADD. she is not hyper at all so when she was diagnosed I thought that the doctor, (and Psychiatrist, we took her to for a second opinion) were crazy. After reading up on ADD and realizing that ADD is different than ADHD I opened my eyes and realized that she did have just about every one of the symptoms on the terribly long list. Anyway, one of the symptoms is impulse control. She would steal things too. sometimes it was just small things from friends houses and other times it was from stores!! I first just thought it was her young age and that she didn't understand that just because she wanted something didn't mean it was ok to take it. One day however, I realized that she knew that it was wrong because she had purposely hidden something that I told her I would not buy her in my son's stroller while we were at the mall. That proved to me that she knew it was wrong. I had talk after talk with her and explained the consequences in the "real world" and thought that she understood until she stole something from a shop in Disney world. I began to get VERY concerned and thought it might be a serious psychological problem until...(and this is the best one yet!!!) I had to call her teacher and tell her that we had the class pet at our house because my daughter took it. Her teacher talked to the guidance counselor about the situation and she was the one who informed us that it may be due to her ADD. I had never made the connection before. Once I decided to put her on medication for the ADD she stopped doing it. That was in 2nd grade and she is now in middle school and has not taken anything that does not belong to her since. It may not have anything to do with your son but I thought I would throw it out there because I would have never thought that the two were connected. Since he is only six I'm sure he has not been tested for ADD/ADHD. The schools will not even look into it until 2nd grade. However you can look online for checklists and see if it is something that may be a possibility. If it is you can take him to your pediatrician and she/he can diagnose him. Don't worry about meds. They aren't always necessary and ultimately the decision is yours.

Apparantly his punichment is not severe enough to stop his behavior. Consider longer and/or more intense punishment such as a month w/o his DS as this appears to be a repetitive problem.

Do you know any policemen who live/work in your area. Also, you might consider having one of them come talk to him about what happens to people who steal things if it occurs again.

I sounds like you have given him enough chances. If he does it again get rid of the DS for good. Let him know this. Tell him stealing is wrong and if you do it again the DS is gone and our neighbor is allowed to call the police. He is old enough to understand. Good luck.

I don't know the answer, but my 6 yr old son is also stealing. He will take my wallet and collect his allowance if he doesn't get it at the exact moment he wants it. I always catch him and he loses his allowance for that week. He even tried to hide a $20 when I gave him and his sister each $25 for the church collection basket. I caught him, made him put it in the basket and he lost his allowance for that week too. On the other hand, when we had a big collection during Lent for operation "rice bowl", he wanted to bring in the most for other people so they could eat. I'm not sure if it's the way he is dealing with material stuff...intro to capitalism or something.. but he is starting to figure out the value of money and the fact that stealing and lying won't be tolerated. I guess it might just be a process for our little guys. I also know that he is really testing his limits since his dad just came home after being away for almost 2 years training and being in Baghdad for a year.

Good luck!!

R. M

If this makes you feel any better when I was that age I stole my friends bike from her driveway numerous times. I remember just wanting it so badly (it was red and really nice!). I had no concept that my friend might be upset or that it was wrong. My mom came down on me each time and eventually I stopped. I don't think kids that age have any idea of the whole right/wrong concept--they just want what they want.

I also remember around that time I tried to take a pack of gum from a dime store to see what happened. Again, I had no idea about consequences or right/wrong. The cashier saw me and yelled "put that down, little girl!" That did it for me--between the public embarassment and having someone else other than my mom be firm with me I learned that this was definitely wrong and being caught was awful.

Anyway, now obviously I have kids of my own and have not stolen since age 6! Just keep teaching your son the right thing to do (you're doing a great job) and I'm sure he'll grow out of it.

(Also, my daughter has a friend who comes over and often mysteriously ends up with one of my daughter's things. Her mom brings it back and apologizes. In my mind I always give her a break since I remember how it was. It's more common than you think.)

Let your son know that if he steals again, then you will permanently get rid of his Nintendo DS (not just lose playing privileges because this holds no value to him). Getting rid of the system will teach him that the consequences escalate when the behavior doesn't change. Good Luck and follw through!!

I'd teach first and then use this as an opportunity to teach consequences. Ask him if he understands that he is not to take something that does not belong to him. Then, if this happens again, he will have to lose his DS permanently because he is showing that he is not yet responsible enough to play this game. The same will happen with any other items that are stolen from either friends or family members. Not only will you return it and apologize, you will lose something permanently and you will lose your free time for a certain period of time. Lying, cheating, and stealing will make it impossible to trust him. Teach him that you must be able to trust him. Keep teaching him and MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. Do not worry about the cost of the DS. His character development is more important in the longterm than the DS. Once he has shown he is responsible, he can do odd jobs around the house to earn the money to buy another one. Maybe if he feels the pain a little more, he'll think before grabbing someone else's goods.

Talk w/ your neighbor and ask her if she would mind if he borrowed a video game once a month. If she is ok w/ that tell your son heres the deal: once a month he can ask to borrow a movie but if he "steals" one in between borrowing then he loses that priviledge.
Also make sure her child hasnt told your son that he can borrow when he wants...that could be why he is "stealing". Also, maybe its time for him to get some new games of his own. Have him work towards earning a new game by going w/out stealing for say a week or two, depending on how often it happens.

I would tell him that if it happens again - the game system is gone until you say otherwise as are trips to the neightbor's house. Don't set an amount of time. The risk is obviously worth it to him at this point. Let him think it is gone for good. Then you use your own jugement to determine if he should have it bask -"I am not sure you are responsible enough to have this. If I see an improvemet in your behavior, I will consider giving it back."

This could be a silly game issue or it could be a developing problem. Not knowing your family, I can't possibly say. However, it is probably worthwhile to make a big deal out of the issue of stealing around the house. Consider coming down harder in the future in terms of privledges and toys.

Definately, if it happens again, no more games, no more visits. Let him sweat it out.

Also, has the neighbor said anything to him? If s/he is comfotable with this, ask that s/he tells him, if you do that again you won't be welcome at my house. The embarressment might work magic on him.

K., you sound like you're really on top of this, and it's great that you make him return the item immediately and apologize. That's definitely the first step.

The next thing I would do is have a two part talk with the child-- not in the aftermath of a "theft", but just whenever you can make time to sit down and really talk with him (and really listen as well).

Part I
I assume that your son knows intellectually that it is "wrong" to steal, because you've told him so, but does he know why it's wrong? Ask him. He is more than old enough to understand the concept of property rights if it is explained to him in simple terms. Be sure to explain that it isn't bad to want things that don't belong to you. However, there are only three ways to get something that isn't already yours:
1) Ask/gain permission (or ask for the item for a b-day or Christmas present)
2) Negotiate a trade
3) Purchase the item yourself by earning money

Part II
Now ask him questions so that he can think and feel his way through different scenarios. Every society has laws and rules against stealing, ask him why that might be. What might happen if everyone took whatever they wanted? What if someone stole your house? Where would you live? Or your car? How would you get to school and work? What if everyone stole things from stores instead of paying for them? Would the stores go broke? How would they pay their workers? How would the workers eat and live without any money? And if we could just take things, wouldn't the biggest, meanest people take everything? Would that be fair? Would he want to live in a world like that? Then ask him to imagine how he would "feel" if someone stole one of his favorite things (or his dog, or whatever it is that he cares about).

Almost every child steals something at some point, but his behavior is repetitive which means he may also be forming a habit (which, as you indicated, is exactly what you want to prevent). The next time it happens, you need to do a lot more than take away the video game for a while. If it were my child, I'd take the DS away for good. Make very clear to him that you are not "stealing" his DS -- if he steals another game, he is freely choosing to forfeit it. (don't take it away in the dead of night or anything! he needs to hand it over).

If severe permanent consequences don't change his behavior, I'd take him to a counselor. Stealing is a pretty common way for children to act out when they are suffering from other psychological issues. (Maybe he's been missing your husband when he travels but doesn't know how to express that?, maybe he's been the victim of a bully at school? etc.).

Stealing is a passive-agressive behavior, and in some ways trickier to sort out that punching, biting and other types of full-on aggression (because it's often less obvious). I noticed that one of the posters suggested that it could be related to ADD -- this sounds like a plausible cause (my daughter had a friend who lied a lot and stole things, and she was later diagnosed with ADD). If I were you I'd investigate that as a last resort though, as it seems to me that too many doctors are a little too keen to drug children into submission these days. Just my two cents. Best luck!

My neighbor and I actually try to purchase different game titles so that our children can exchange games as desired. Games are not inexpensive, and this allows us to stretch our dollars a bit further.

The children ask permission of the game's owner or the parent, negotiate a plan, and everyone benefits. Perhaps you could talk with your neighbor and try to work out a similar solution. If your son wants to "borrow" a friend's game for a few days then he needs to offer one of his own in exchange, etc. Children at this age routinely "trade" items so it will probably be a welcome concept.

Several years ago, I was in your situation--working full-time with young children and dad gone a lot. It's hard. If your son feels left out, he may be seeking attention. As hard as it may be, try to carve out some time to spend with just him. And encourage Dad to do the same when he is home. Take him to the library or play a game during your younger child's nap time. Make him the center of attention--in a positive way. This will open the door to a chance to discuss the other behavior in a more open, less stressful environment. If he's not being punished or disciplined, you might get more honest and insightful answers.

K., you are doing a great job! Keep up the good work and just stay consistent. As for our boys, if they disobey a direct instruction, this is grounds for severe punishment. Kinda sounds like just loosing his game(s) may not be strong enough.

Think on it like this, what is our goal as parents when we punish our children? We want them to remember the punishment and make the right choice the next time they even think about doing the "crime", right? So if the punishment isn't strong enough, it's not a deterrent the next time he even thinks about it, right?

Like I said, you are doing a great job Mom! Keep up the good work...no matter how many times it takes. He is certainly worth it!

Take Care,
N.
SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 7 & 2yo and married to Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs!

You might discuss with him what happens in the real world when you steal and if the punishment is not working then you might change it some. Instead of just taking away his gaming privileges you might take away other privileges as well or consider telling him that you will give away his gaming system if it happens again and then follow through on it when/ if he does it again.

I am not sure about the no friends for a month, but I also don't think it's 'over the top'... I think something else could be instituted instead, that would be more helpful in order for him to learn more from this experience.

Perhaps next time, include him in coming up with a logical consequence that you both feel would be helpful. You'd be surprised what they come up with. Ask him for a list of options, you both can add to them, and then review them and choose. It might be that he decides he wants to earn money to purchase a game for the neighbors, as a way of making amends. Or, he can lend out some of his games to them (nintendo related or not) that they typically enjoy.

I think it's important for a young kid to be involved, and to see how their actions affect others. By making amends, they can get a good feel for that. By involving them, they own it.