Seeking Advice on Behavior About My 7Year Old Son.

Sounds to me like since he is good at school that he does need some one on one with you, and maybe even just at bedtime tuck him in and tell him how proud you are of him and how much you love him, and you are so busy trying to take care of everyone that you wish you had more time with him, but you want him to know that you REALLY care about him, and then see if you could get a neighbor or someone to babysit the girls long enough for maybe just the two of you to go get an ice cream cone. That may not take but 20 minutes, and yet it would feel really special to him, and try to do it once a week or at least once every two weeks. But maybe if you could have just five minutes at bed time with him consistently it would seem more like a long time instead of five minutes, if he knew it was just a special good night time. Hope this helps.

I discovered the Love and Logic series and fell in love with it. It was suggested to me by my son's elementary school guidance counselor and I went onto Amazon and bought 7 different books of the series. They are very quick reads and I started the techniques immediately. I usually don't go for child rearing theory books because I think there are just too many different variances to get a specific problem with a specific child addressed. However, the simple techniques in these books are amazing and really work. You can google it for some general ideas about what they say. The little one liners are awesome "I love you too much to argue" "when you can speak to me in a voice that is as calm as mine, I would love to hear what you have to say" "It sure does feel better to cry sometimes when you are frustrated. When you're finished, come get me if you want to talk"

They offer simple advice that we all know how to use anyway but it reminds us to be calm and loving without getting pulled into arguments, manipulations, etc. Good luck!

Just reading your letter - he needs more structure and more recognition - i.e. a behavior chart. In second grade, they still have them changing their color, or conduct cuts. Please keep in mind that the 7 year old is (apparently) someone you brought into the world, and the 2 girls are ultimately your daughter's responsibility. I know that that sounds bitchy and inhumane or unsupportive - but having been there, seen that - unfortunately younger biological children end up all to often playing second, or third, fiddle because grandparents feel like their poor grandchildren have gotten such a shaft from their parents.

I realize that I may have read more in the situation than is there, based on my own child hood - if I have, please forgive me. But if you're expecting your seven year old to act like a big man, both because he's older (he's only seven) and because he has his mom around - whereas the girls get away with what they wish to do because you feel bad for them... that would be my hypothesis as to why he's an angel at school and regresses at home.

S.

I totally disagree with the notion that you should treat your son differently than your grandchildren other than the fact that you have to treat each child as an individual. You are raising the girls, they are now essentially just the same as your two childen. I have seven step-grandchildren that are currently in foster care. If I had the space, they would be here and it would probably be horrible for my kids but family is family and you don't abandon innocent children, you allow yourself time to adjust and make the situation work. Each child needs to feel loved and special in his own way, including those two little girls.

Sounds like he is using regressive behavior to get attention and he probably is lost in the shuffle. If your 16-year-old is normal, that one is a pain in the rear although if it is a boy not the way the girls are, and with a 2 and 3 year old, realistically how much alone time or attention is your middle child getting? Ask his brother to hang with him that will probably help.

Also, one of the things that I have gotten from the nanny is that part of the problem is that when they get to a certain age, we expect them to entertain themselves and making sure they have something to do is helpful. If the kid doesn't have chores, he needs some and you need to find things he can do that shows he is responsible and capable and make sure to praise him when he does it well.

With the talking back, you know by now if you don't get a handle on that you are not going to have fun with this one for the teen years so punish him consistently and make it something that actully bothers him. The worst thing my mother made me do was sit in the corner in the living room in a chair (comfortable one) and do nothing for like an hour, drove me insane, way worse than grounding or anything else they came up with.

Also remember that it is normal for children to behave like Mother Theresa when they are away from you, that means you have raised them well. At home, they push the envelope and often behave way more immaturely because as much as they are trying to separate from you, they know you are their safety net and that you will love them no matter what, so they act like little (fill in the word) at home and drive you nuts.

Mine are 9, 13 and 16, I am a single mom and there is never enough of me to go around. Even my boys, who are supposed to go closet themselves in their rooms, come in to debrief nearly every day so I spend probably at least 3-4 hours a day doing pretty much nothing but talking to the kids. And it is still not enough for them.

Kudos on you for stepping up with the grandkids and just remember, sometimes you need alone time that is beyond going to eat with him at school, do you bring the little ones with you when you do that? If so, try to find someone to watch them and go by yourself at least some of the time. No matter how old they get, they don't want to share, and that is it in a nutshell.

I think it is commendable for you to take responsibility for your grandchildren. I also do not agree that your children should “come first” as another reader seems to be suggesting. If that is the case, I believe they should be placed into another home where they can be the priority. The little girls deserve to be number 1 in someone’s world just as much as your son.

I really don’t think this should be treated any different then a new sibling situation. A lot of children act out when a new sibling comes into the picture. They obviously cannot be allowed to act out their jealousy until they grow up and move out ;-) Not to sound harsh but they need to get over it. This is just the beginning of life’s lessons about adaptability. I think my stepdaughter’s counselor put it well… your job is not to make life smooth for your child because life isn’t smooth. Your child is to teach your child to negotiate the bumps along the way. Even at 7.

I have 4 biological children. When I married my husband and brought in his daughter, she became 1 of 5 instead of 1 of 1. I don’t think she appreciated that! But in the end, she adjusted. And I know how difficult it is to find quality one on one time when there is only one you and so many of them.

I think the key to your situation is the fact that he does this at school and not at home. He may have things at school that he does not have at home: i.e. certain consequences, structure, expectations.

I also think that if you are carrying around guilt about bringing these two little girls into the home and jumping through hoops trying to make it up to your son that he will smell that guilt from a mile away and play on it and try to drain you for all it’s worth. A good example is the store thing. Children are smarter then we give them credit for. He is conditioning YOU. I am sure he wants you to take just him to the store and figures if he acts up enough that you will do just that. You need to take the reins.

Someone below suggested behavior charts. We did this with my stepdaughter. It was a LOT of work. Took a LOT of time. Are you a SAHM? Because I would think you would need to be in order to make that work! But it DOES work WONDERS in my opinion. I don’t like behavior charts that are solely based on consequences or solely based on positive reinforcement and rewards. In the former it is all negativity and in the latter it is bribery by another name.

The behavior charts we did had a number range of stars or points. If you received in the low number range, you received consequences, medium number range and nothing happened, upper range and you got a reward. An EXCELLENT reward is alone time with Mom. For instance if he can get X numbers of stars in a week, he gets to go to the movies with just Mom or the park for two hours, etc. You did not mention a husband. If you are married, your husband needs to be in on this. Alone time with Dad isn’t a bad idea either and Dad can baby-sit the 2 & 3 year old.

We also set up positive rewards for the OTHER kids. Which they earned every week because they didn't have a behavior problem in the first place. However, it was completely unfair to them NOT to get rewards because they were never bad. In schools, ALL the children get rewarded for good behavior, not just the "problem" children.

I would also seek the help of a psychologist.

This is way too complicated to address on here! But I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there.

I am very interested to see these responses also. My 7yr old son acts the same way! However at school he's gets in trouble also. I have also tried the taking video games away, time out, go to bed early, even spankings...nothing seems to work either. I am glad I'm not the only one! My son is the middle child and all of my children are 5yrs apart, which I thought was a great idea, but for 5yrs getting all the attention and then a baby comes along, I think that's when all this attitude started with my son. One thing I am going to try to do is give him $5.00 at the beginning of the week and everyday he gets in trouble he has to give me a dollar. He likes money so i am hoping this works. But I will be reading to see what else or other ideas I can get! I wish you luck!

Bless you!! You sure have a lot of responsibility! Those kids will appreciate it one of these days. Sounds to me like the 7 year old feels left out in the middle. I know your trying, but the little ones must take so much of your time. I think he is trying to grow up, but still wants to be a little boy at times(which he is). That is probably why he whines and cries at times. I wouldn't scold him. I would just say,"sounds like you need some attention," and then give him a big hug and kiss. No one could ever get enough of those. Just keep trying to give him as much one on one time as possible. You sound like a great mom and grandmom. Good luck with everything!

I have a 6 year old stepson who acts like a baby alot. He whines, stomps his feet, hits people, and will actually throw himself in the floor having a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way. He is a really sore loser at games and still poops in his pants every single day. He has sucked his thumb since the day I met him 2 years old and is afraid of everything. I can't figure out even where to start with this one. We get him every other weekend. It is very obvious the mother is not consistent with discipline or affection. He is not a hugger and wants no close contact with anyone.

One thing I did when he started coming over to my house after his parents divorced and his dad and I got together is I told him "We do have temper tantrums in this house. There will be no stomping of your feet or throwing yourself in the floor. If you want something, or don't like something, you must use your words." Somehow, that got through to him and we've had only one tantrum in 1 1/2 years now. One thing I did with my children, ages 26 and 22, when they were little, was to tell them that "whining is a different language. I do not speak that language. If you want something, you must speak clear English." When they would whine, I would COMPLETELY ignore them. When they spoke clear English, I paid attention to them. It worked like a charm. I am now teaching this to my stepson.

From what I have learned, it takes ALOT of repetition and consistency to get the tough ones to do what you want them to do. It can be done and families who are together all the time have a definite advantage over the weekend fathers and mothers. It must be consistent across the board, or it doesn't work. That's what we are finding out with the pooping in the pants. My husband's ex doesn't think it's a big deal and we do. He's in 1st grade. The kids must be making fun of him. This is going to hurt his self-esteem, but she doesn't seem to be concerned. It's quite frustrating. Good luck! I hope it all turns out well for you. B.

He simply needs and wants more attention ... Alone attention. You two are going to have to make dates. Have him help you mark days on the calendar. It doesn't have to be a saturday. It could be tuesday night dinner alone with just him. It will take some juggling on your part but he is really begging you to connect with him. It coudl be a movie for just the two of you of a game night. You can schedule a few hours at a time not a whole day. I have a special night on wed. With my youngest. My other 2 go to youth church and i opted to keep her with me so we could have our time. Later she will push to go more to youth but for now our connection is what she really longs for. I love our 2 hours on wed. It is simple but just us. Good luck! Alos, i am sure your little man is under a lot of pressure trying ot adjust and stay on top at school. He love the attention he get for and from school but he may also need more privacy or an outlet that he can work at his own pace like karate. Talk to him. He will help you more thanyou think.

It sounds like he is a little depressed & needing extra attention.I'm 48 w/ a 14 yr old girl (our youngest)custody of our 7 yr old g-son, his mom (27 our oldest) & her youngest son almost 3. We have recently started counseling & that is what they are telling us. That he needs more one on one attention at this time. As he grows he should out grow that (but some don't). Don't hold him up as a role leader to the girls because he still wants the assurance that he's YOUR baby. As soon as he is secure in that knowledge he should be ok. I hope this helps. We are still working on it ourselves...

Hi D.,
I have a 6 year old son that is actually very sensitive and does need the one on one time, but needs lots of praise and encouragement, as well.
Now that my son is getting older, I explain that I may not always be able to be with him or respond to his every need, but that I still love him very much.
I find that if I hug him more and reach out to him, he calms down.
I think young boys still need a lot of love and reassurance but they are trying to be big boys and they are not sure how to handle it- still needing the love from mom, but breaking the bond, as well.
We went thru a yucky whiny stage a while back, too. It makes you want to pull your hair out. I feel for you.
There is a great book- "Bringing Up Boys" by Dobson that has been a great help. It is Christian based.

Dear D.,

I would first try teaching him what you expect. I know you've probably told him hundreds or thousands of times. Perhaps try writing a homemade book starring him. Example:
"Our trip to the Store" Then you list out very simply and explicitly the behavior that is expected. "We walk beside the cart--staying close by is very important." "We speak in pleasant tones." "We talk about the different things we see in the store." "When we hear "no", we talk about something else."

State everything in a positive way. Positive "When we hear NO, we talk about something else." Negative "No whining or nagging." See the difference?

Do NOT put text and pictures on the same page---they will only look at the picture.

Make the print HUGE---1 to 2 inches tall---and thick, like "bold" on the computer.

Read the book to him many times BEFORE you go to the store. Read it in happy, positive times. Take it with you in the car and go over it again just before you go to the store.

Give him extra time alone with you AS A DIRECT RESULT OF GOOD BEHAVIOR. Perhaps he earns an extra bedtime story or gets to stay up 15 minutes past bedtime. Kiddoes that age really love to learn new things with adults, so perhaps he can earn learning to wash the dishes, or learning to sort the laundry. Sounds crazy, but most children really enjoy it once they're doing it---especially if you make it fun.

You can use homemade books for any situation.

email me if you need further help.

www.parentswithpurpose.com

You are probably right that he acting out to get attention. I feel for your sitation; I know you are just trying to do the best you can. My suggestion would be to only respond when he is talking in a normal voice or behaving in a way that you deem appropriate. I would try to ignore the behavior that you do not like. Explain to him that when he talks in a normal voice, then you will address him. I have always found that to work when I was a teacher at day care - no matter the age of the child. I would also try to notice when he is acting in a way that you deem appropriate. Maybe if he is coloring or reading on his own; comment how much you like the way he is behaving and give him a hug or kiss. Kids love attention even attention to their bad behavior. If he conditioned that you will only respond to good behavior, I think you will see a significant improvement.

Do not treat him any different than you do the other children in the house. Set a structured/disciplined environment; no means no. If he throws a fit, let him, and ignore his wails. Every time he disrespects you, send him to his room without any privledges other than to use the toliet/eat a meal. no snacks, play time... He's learned to manipulate you. Hang in there. If you are a Christian, tell him that God set the tone of discipline and if he has problem with the way he's being disciplined, take to God.

You need to read the books on "Parenting with Love & Logic." They're easy to find and life-changing. I believe you will have answers on how to handle all the situations you've talked about.

God bless!

Well, whatever is his favorite activity, I would tell him that HE HAS THE CHOICE to treat you respectfully or else lose the privilege of that activity. If it's toys, computer, tv, soccer, whatever, make sure he knows it will be taken away if he's disrespectful. In our house, we do this, but tell them "Every day is a new day. Today you can make the choice to be respectful or not." (God's mercies are new every morning!) That way, if he just has a "bad day" then it won't ruin his entire week or whatever. Make sure you stick to the punishment, no matter how much he whines. Also make it VERY CLEAR that he is the boss of his own behavior, and it's not anyone else's fault or responsibility. Good Luck!

Hi D.,

The best and most liberating advise I have ever received on raising children was from James Dobson-Focus on Family.

He wrote some really great books on all this subject and made videos of conferences he made for parents.

Excellent source for any tips on raising children.

M.

D.,
Wow you are amazing woman. It's hard to be a parent and then on top of it raising your grandbabies. I'm going to speak from my own personal experience as a middle child, I'm in my mid-30s now. I was a good student too, didn't get in trouble at school, followed the rules, got really good grades mainly A's, a lot like your son. However, all people need an outlet and my family got it too. I think most middle children are "pleasers" and we want to make everyone happy and proud. Well, sometimes we hold that pressure in and our only outlet is our family, who's going to love us no matter what. He does want attention, especially with the baby talk. I also think a lot of it is he doesn't have to be perfect when he gets home, he just gets to be a 7 year old boy.
I know it's frustrating at times, and you just want him to be good all the time. But even us as adults aren't happy all the time or good for that matter. We might have a bad day, or just don't feel like ourselves, there are days I just want to sit and watch a really sad movie so I can cry, there are other days, I want to get on the ground and wrestle with my kids, I start picking on them...
I think you are doing a great job, kids are always going to push the line. I know it's hard to make time just for him, but do it as much as possible, with each of the kids. There sure aren't enough hours in the day to do all we have too, I understand that oh too well. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and he knows how well you can handle a lot!
God Bless!

I would try the love and logic program. Did the grandchildren just recently join your home, or have they been there from the start? It doesn't matter I suppose. I think one thing that would be helpful is for him to have a hobby like your oldr son does. If there is anything he is interested in I suggest getting him lessons or classes regarding that subject and then using the accessories needed as rewards for behaving appropriatly. Sports, instruments, art, acting, cooking,choir, even museum classes for the science enthusiast- whatever makes him happy and lets him feel individual/ special.

Do you think he'd journal? It sounds like he needs a way to express his frustration and learn to control it... perhaps martial arts... they really work on self control and respectfulness...

Just some random ideas- hope they help.