Seeking Advice for My Family.

It sounds like step-dad's absence is really affecting him. Maybe you could mention it to the school counselor and the school counselor can try talking to him.

First I want to say Welcome to the military life! OK, is your husband going Active Duty or is he in a National Guard Unit? If he is in the Guard then he should already know his unit & they will have a Family Readiness Group. This group is created to assist families of military. Contact the group & they may be able to give you some assistance & guidance on how to help your son adjust to life as a military family. If your husband is going active then it will be an even bigger adjustment and therefore take more time & patience. Are your son & husband close? He may just be missing dad & need an outlet (other than you) to talk to. Maybe have him write dad a letter, draw pictures, things like that. You could get a calendar & mark off the D. until dad will be out of basic. Let your son know that with dad at basic then he is the "man" of the house & needs to help you until dad gets home. You could give incentives for doing chores or just talk up how proud you are of him & how much of a help he is. Catch him doing good things & let him overhear you praising him to others. When your husband has a chance to call home ask him to let your son know that he is proud of him & misses him etc... Also, if you have some other strong, positive male role models (uncles, close family friends, men at church) that he could spend time with & that could be there for him to talk to that may help. Another thought: was dad the main disciplinarian? If so, your son may just think that since your husband isn't there then you won't make him do anything. It may take you being a little more strict than before.
My husband & I met while we were both military. I'm out now but he is still in so our children (though they are very small now) are growing up in a military lifestyle. It's a big adjustment to go from being civilians to being military but it can be done. My prayers are with you & if you need someone to talk to about it all feel free to message me.

I grew up in the military but fortunately we were able to travel with my Dad. I do remember him going back to college when I was only 6 ,out of town and for a year. He came home a lot of weekends but it was still hard. I was a Daddy's girl and missed him him horribly.However my mom was the perfect military wife and made it all seem like an adventure. I would imagine your son is scared and preoccupied. The more information he has, the better ( unless Dad is going into a combat zone).
I agree with getting some input from the military family services groups. If for some reason you are not near one, you can get help from your church.

I'd try and find other boys in the same situation, that your son can talk to.So many children are in this position today and they want to know they aren't alone. It is often hard for boys, particularly to talk about their feelings. Keep him busy, with sports, activities and friends. If he reads, try to find books about boys in similar situations, even historical books like " Hero Over Here" ( this one is about a boy who has a dad and brother in WW1 and he has to be the man of the house. His mom and sister get ill and he really learns about being a hero" There are also Across Five Aprils and Johnny Tremain. Sometimes reading about heros from other times can make a child realize how their own family is really doing something quite heoric. You can also get in touch with veterans groups and see if someone can be a "big brother" figure to him.

It won't be a quick fix but slowly he will come to realize that he has a lot of support , is not alone in his feelings and that it is ok to be sad and scared, it is part of growing up. Remind him you need him, not just to do chores, but to love and that you are as sad as he is but you want dad to return and be proud of accomphishments that happened while he was away. Can he write /email him, keep him up to date on what is going on at school? If not, maybe he can do a journal for Dad to read when he gets back. My husband traveled for years for business and we kept a journal about daily activities and experiences so he would not feel he had missed so much. You guys need to create a real team spirit and create an environment that will show Dad how well you guys took care of things for him while he was gone!

Dear S.:

You can do activities to address the fact that he misses your husband. Letters are great, and perhaps the internet can be an even better tool.

It may be that your son misses the structure as much as your husband.

I recommend creating a chart to keep your son "on track". A picture chart may be helpful. Put everything on it that you want him to do. You can laminate it and he can use a dry erase marker. It may feel good to accumulate all those check marks! Be sure to maek the chores very clear. Such as put all the dirty clothes in a the hamper, make the bed, put games on shelves, etc. - not "clean room". Include schoolwork and grooming as well as chores.

Men, especially ones in the military, tend to be very good at giving clear directions and consequences. I think that women tend to be more "global" which makes it harder to break down tasks into easy steps.

Giid Kucj,
Jen

I just want to say "thank you" to your husband and to you.
I don't really have advice at the moment, but I think Danielle hit it right on the head!
I know it's not the same, but we've got a son and daughter away in the Army right now.

Blessings to your and yours. Love him like nobodies business. I am sure it is a tough adjustment and he is having alot of seperation issues, especially since he is a step and sounds like he has become very attached to his step-dad. Sounds like he may be having some feelings he is just having a hard time coping with. And he may not even know how to express them.
Good luck, I think the last first advice says everything best.
L.

S.,
As some of the other mamas have said, "Thank you" to your husband for his service...because of him and his bretheren, I am able to sleep peacefully at night! I can't say thank you enough. I'm sure your son knows what a hero his stepdad is. I too have a 9 year old..a daugher...but a 9 year old none the less...this year has been one full of challenges from her. Keep enforcing how much you love him and how much help you will need from him being the "man of the house"....I have also implemented a coupon system with respect to watching TV or playing on the computer...equal amounts of chores = equal amounts of TV/Computer time...it's a bit of a pain at first to keep on top of, but after a while, they will get the gyst of it. Also maybe play-up the need for help being directly related to something they want...for example, if he is not helpful, then you may have to take care of the problem which would result in you not being able to make dinner. Then he'll have to have a bowl of cereal or similar b/c you didn't have time to do that. Hope this makes sense....
Take care...God Bless you and your family....
T. L.

First I will say welcome to the military family. Military life is hard for all around and sometimes we forget about the kids. I know this as my dad was career military(retired after 22 yrs) and I married a career military man(retired after 20 years). Through both situations, I experienced separation as they were deployed anywhere from 6m-1yr without family.

What is going on with your son sounds as if he is internalizing fear. So much is in the news about what is going on with our military and Iraq. Your son has probably over and over in his head thought about his "stepdad" being sent over and not being a part of his life anymore. You did not mention what his relationship is with his "biological" dad. If there is no relationship with the other dad, than your son is not wanting to lose another "dad". He is doing what he is doing thinking in his mind that if he acts out, dad will come home and have to stay home to see to him and get him back in line. I know it sounds so strange but my son and my daughter did the same thing. Just continue to be patient with your son. Make sure when your husband calls that he talks to him and lets him know that he is still important to him and how proud he is of him for helping out around the house. Make sure your husband writes a letter just for him. As mom, make sure that your fears about your husband going into the military does not leak out around your children. Engage your son in dialogue anyway, anywhere, and anyhow. Let him know that while dad is gone, you need his help around the house and with the younger siblings. If all else fails, Your son is going to need to talk to a professional. This professional will be able to do roleplaying with your son. The military might be able to help but seeing as your husband is in basic training, I am not quite sure about that. I might suggest talking to the recruiter that your husband went under and he might have some suggestions and resources.

God's blessing to you and yours at this time.

Hey S.,
I have a son who just turned 10 and we are going through the same things with him. Most of the time I try to make a game out of it and verbally communicate with him how much I appreciate his help and that this house could not run smoothly without his contribution. Hopefully this will help some.

B.

Hi S.,
I'm sure that there is alot going on in his young mind....and he may not know how or want to fill you in at this time.

It sounds like the whole transition of the Dad leaving for his training has something to do with this.

I'm sure it has been difficult on you and the rest of the family for Dad to be gone. But be patient with him, love him pray for him,and confirm that you will always be there for him. He might be feeling abandoned by Dad even though I'm sure yal explained everything to him.

Above all be patient with him....he is young and with your help he will get through this.
Sincerely, B.

No chores, poor grades equals no priviledges.

Sounds like he is depressed about your husband leaving and doesn't know how to handle it. Some people have a hard time talkig about their problems or fears, but you may have special times with just him, going out for ice cream or anything, and tell him you are really missing your husband and your fears, and tell him that you all have to do your best until he returns, and encourage him to be your buddy so that you can have someone to (talk) to about missing your husband also. Then suggest you do some chores together & see if that helps. Maybe you can even write letters together to him.

Thank you to your husband for his service, and to you and your kids for your family's service! I would echo the advice to seek out some professional or support group help. The military should have resources for you, as will the school counsellor. Under normal circumstances, I'm sure this would be a parenting issue that you could tackle with your husband, but you're in a unique and challenging situation. There are so many people out there going through this, and so many (not enough, of course) resources dedicated to helping - take advantage! My best to you, your kids, and your family.

As one poster put it, welcome to the military!! Get the phone number for Family Services or Support for your local or nearby military post/base. Contact them and explain that you need someone to talk to you and your family especially your son since dad has gone to basic training. Maybe that person can explain some of the things that happen while in basic training to your son so that he does not worry so much about dad being gone. You need to become involved in some of the organizations so that you are aware of what other wives/mothers do when dad is away. This is a transition for your whole family from civilian to military world of doing things. Mothers and children have to become a strong unit to get through things as they have to depend on each other. Mom, you will have to become stronger and an independent wife and make decisions without discussing them with your husband not a "clinging vine" or the time away will be very long and hard. Surround you and your family with people who will be there at a moment's notice to help you with household and car repairs as they ALWAYS happen when dad is away. If you need to talk email me. I spent 20 years as a military wife living in the States and overseas with two now grown children. The other S. PS If you can find out the name of the unit he is assigned to see if you can get the name of a spouse who would be a mentor and give you guidance.

Hello S.,

Have you considered he might be depressed or worried about his stepdad leaving for training. Boys especially have difficulty talking about their feelings because of social pressures to be tough and suck it up etc. A few counseling sessions will give you an idea of what's going on and it may help him open up more in the future, especially if you find a doctor he clicks with and that you like as well. Depression and fears are nothing to be ashamed of and getting some help early will help prevent despression (if that's what it is) to set in as an adult.

D. N.

Sounds like your family is going through some big changes! There is so much talk about the war that your son may be worried about your husband going somewhere dangerous. Is that a possibility? Have the 2 of you spoken with him about that? I think it's best to be as honest as possible with children especially when they are old enough to understand what's going on. You didn't say how close of a relationship they have, but even if they're not that close it may be your stress is affecting him. Of course it isn't anyone's fault. I think communication is the key. He needs to be able to talk about what is bothering him with you, someone he trusts, or a professional. God bless you and your family!!

Dear S. H,

I've already said a prayer for you, your husband, your son and your other children. I bet your son is missing his "dad". Maybe you need to talk to him about it. If he doesn't open up to you, maybe you need to take him to a family counselor. The VA may provide such a service, since your husband is in the military. I bet it would help your son to be able to talk about his feelings. It would probably be good for you too.

May God bless you and your family!

Deb D

Where is his biological father? If his "real" dad abandonded him, boot camp may feel like an abandonment issue as well. Has he written any letters to your hubby in boot camp? Did your hubby have the "you are the man of the house" talk with him before he left? Lots of things to think about and this is a time of changing hormones and he is just going to need more guidance and suppot and maybe you could get a sitter for the other kids and go on a mom and son date wih him and hava a good chat. Hope this helps, I truly feel for you!