Seeking Advice and Experience with Decision to Have Only One Child.

I would love to give my only child a sibling, but I can only afford one child right now. My daycare costs are close to what I pay for my mortgage. Ridiculous! If it happens, it happens...and I'll find a way, but for right now...it's just me and my jellybean.

First, I'm an only child. Sometimes, it was lonely for me when I was a child. However, I attribute that more to my mother's overprotectiveness. What did happen due to having so much time alone, I became very creative and to this day it serves me well in my profession and private life. Second, I have one daughter and raised her differently. She is extremely outgoing with many friends. She has one son. She involves him in many activities and playdates. He tends to be more like me as far as being cautious. So, I think it all comes down to a combination of nature and nurture and what works best for you and your family. Best Wishes - M.

There are so many reasons, but you need to make sure this is right for you so you do not regret it and then go through all of the trying and haivng that not work out.
I had my son at 39, he was a preemie, any othe rbaby we had woudl also be a preemie (altho he was only 6 weeks early, he had many, many issues that are now resolved at 7) we wanted to focus on him and and not try and then have a earlier preemie.
I am sad for him in ways that he is an only, but do playgropups and have your child as solialized as possible and they will ask and they willwonder, but if they have friends and learn to share and play with other close friends that is great.
Now thatNick is in school he has many friends with 3-4 brothers and sisters, I try to have them over here so they get more one on one time and not have to worry aobut their family butting in (lol you know) one pal has 3 brothers and he said he wanted to Be Nick.
There are ups and downs, friends fighting is hard for only kids as they are not use to that, when we get older it will be rough for him for being the one responsible.
The Spoiling is so hard not to do with only 1!!! but you can have plenty with being caring and giving.
Good Luck, you will be asked all the time 'are you going to have another?' I still get it asked

Hi N.,

I wrote a long response to Kalina P recently on the same subject - a previous post gives you the date of that.

My husband and I had a child when I was 37 and he was 41. He also has 2 much older children. We went through a lot of infertility, although my pregnancy itself was wonderful, even the delivery. So we could have done it again if we had so chosen.

We made a decision to raise one child. Not "just one" or an "only child", mind you. We have a singleton or a single child, but we don't use "only" or "just" because we don't believe that we are lacking something. People don't say the have "only 3 children" do they? And friends of mine have zero children, and refer to themselves as child-free rather than child-less. So a family is a family, regardless of the number of people, the genders, the ages, or, frankly, the relationships (other than love) that tie them together.

It can be hard to imagine having any more love in your heart sometimes, but that shouldn't be the reason you don't have another child. Love multiplies, it doesn't divide.

That said, I would say we had way more opportunities with, and way more focus on, our child. He learned to share by playing with other kids in preschool, he learned to develop relationships in the neighborhood and on vacation, and he became extremely confident in social situations. When he was 7, we got him a dog, so he learned to take care of something and attend to something else's needs! We gave him plenty of stimulation (museums, nature walks, board games, you name it) and also plenty of alone time in which to develop creativity. He's now a mature and well-adjusted young man pursuing an engineering degree (after all those hours of building and creating with his Legos!).

If we had had another child, we would have loved him/her, and there still would have been opportunities. But we don't feel we missed out on anything, and most importantly, neither does he.

I'm not sure if this is a similar question but I have one son who is 9 months old. I have always had it in my head that I would have 2 or 3 children. Now that I have him I am afraid to have another. I love him SO SO SO much that I am nervous that there is not room for another. Is this a natural feeling or is this a sign that I should just stick with him? I want more babies but am so afraid that I won't love them the same way I love my baby J.

I always knew that one child would be enough for me. I can't say why, it's just how I feel. Since having my son 3.5 years ago, there has been nothing to change my mind about it. I love our family of three - it works for us. I can't imagine going back to the baby phase again - I love being able to just leave the house when we want without taking 3 million things with us.

Many people love to tell me that I am making the wrong choice (especially my mother!) but I just smile and say, "Okay..."

My son has many cousins and friends and he loves to play with all of them. He is extremely social and equally comfortable with adults and children of all ages.

The decision to have one child is deeply personal. Only you and your husband can decide what is right for you and your family.

I've seen this question regularly on MamaSource so there are plenty of people wondering the same thing--to have more or not.

Our son is 13 and recently said, "I love our little family!" He used to lament that he didn't have a sibling. However, as he's been around older or younger siblings of friends through the years, he's noticed there are some nice things about being the only as well. In his words, siblings can be annoying at times. Sometimes they're great, but sometimes it is special to have more time to craft as you like--whether alone or with friends at our house.

I had 5 siblings, my husband has 3. I was part of a larger family, but I also had an only child experience in some ways. There were 5 kids in 6 years, and then I came 5 years later. I felt like I had the best of both worlds! Sometimes I felt lonely, but often I enjoyed the quiet. Sometimes as adults, I love it when we get together, and sometimes I can't believe the noise! Is that because I had my parents to myself for six years or not (my next sister was a year ahead in school)? Who knows?

When our son was little, I always helped coordinate play dates or was part of play groups. I'm a big believer in surrounding yourself with people you enjoy or that help you grow. For some people that is their family, for others it is their friends, for many it is a mixture of both.

Because we were not able to have another child, the decision was taken out of our hands. We were almost 37 and 42 at the time of our son's birth and it never dawned on us that, if we had one child, we might not be able to have another. We now know secondary infertility is common. We tried fertility steps for a bit and then decided it wasn't worth it for us. One was a delight and we decided we were comfortable with stopping there.

There is a part of us that will always be a little sad about not being able to have another child, but it has been a delight to have one, and only one, as well. I can take him somewhere and have some wonderful one-on-one time with him. Or my husband can do the same. We are able to do more things with him because it costs less for a family of three than for more. He has learned to deal well with adults as well as kids because he is around both large amounts of time. He has lots of opportunity for sedate times and rambunctious times. (Sometimes we're tired and sometimes we're silly.)

But cost or quiet would never be a reason for us to determine the number of kids. Whatever the number, most people can make it work. Having more kids has lots of advantages, too. The older kids can help the younger ones. They learn to deal with daily struggles more directly with siblings. There are more kids to help when the parents get old.

But y'know, it is such a personal decision for each family to decide. Our neighbors across the street are the same age as us, but they have five kids. Our son was just like a younger brother to them. He has friends who are onlies as well, and other friends who have 3, 4, or even 6 kids in their families.

When we decided to stay with just one child, we asked several people who were onlies how they liked it. Many liked it; a few were lonely and hated it. But in the end, it was our decision. I wish you the best as you decide and that you are at peace with the decision either way!

I grew up as an only child and felt that it was lonely and boring. I did find that the relationships that I formed with friends many have been strong and lifelong. My husband and I brought our second born home when our first child was just 14 months old. I remember coming home from the hopital, I went into my bedroom and cried. I was crying because I felt guilty that our first born was going to feel displaced. That was not the case at all. Our first 2 are extremly close and have a very strong bond. They entertain one another so well. Not to mention I can't imagine life without our second child. I find special things that I love about both children and have enough love in my heart for the two of them. The first 2 are now 6 (boy) & 7(girl). My husband and I have decided to have a third. When I found out that yes indeed I was pregnant Again I cried. This time I cried because i was worried that this baby would take away from the first 2. Friends have given me words of wisdom and lots of reassauring that everything is going to be just fine. I've also been told that you cannot go wrong by adding to your family...and I do believe that is true. I'm sure I will face challenges but it will all be worth it. As an adult I realize that I have had many friends that have come and gone but your family is FOREVER!!!!!

Hi,

I just wanted to share with you my experience. I'm 34 and am pregnant with my second child. I have a wonderful 4 year old daughter too. She has always brought me so much joy and I've really enjoyed every minute I've had with her. I couldn't imagine having another one at the time because I was just so elated to have her in my life (I obviously still feel that way). I would have been content with just her. I'm not sure what changed. She began to notice her friends had little sibblings and began to ask for one too. Obviously, that isn't the reason why we decided to get pregnant but I think my husband and I began to want another baby. We missed those first two years. Don't get me wrong, we've loved every stage so far and are looking forward to watching my daugther continue to grow but I think we felt like something else was missing and felt we could provide for another child as well.
That said, there is nothing wrong with just wanting one child. I did for a long time and for some reason felt guilty for only wanting her. She is well adjusted, smart and has plenty of friends. She also plays well on her own and is very imaginative. I think single children grow up to be wonderful and caring people. My two best friends grew up without sibblings and they're incredible and very admirable people.
The decision is yours to make and nobody else's. Don't feel guilty either way. You'll make the right decision regardless. Best of luck to you and your family.
-Sofia

I have one son who's 3 and I think I'm done. "Think" being the key word.

If I didn't have any more kids, I'd be happy with one.

However, I would like a girl. But then again, having one child gives you many more options, per se....private schools, more vacations, more opportunities in general for one child because the money is there.

If you do decide to stop at one, know that there's nothing wrong with that. Many families have only one child. It's whatever works for you.

I'd say, overall, trust your instincts. You know more than you think you do. :)

Good luck.

http://www.daniellewrites.webs.com

Hi N.,

Check out:
11/22/09 Kalina P All Other Topics One is enough?

You may find what you are looking for at that post.

Good luck,
: )Maureen

N.,
My husband started trying for a second when our son was about 2. He's now 8 and it just never happened. We were both checked out to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with us, but neither of us believe in artificial solutions to getting pregnant. I'll admit it was hard for a while, especially when we were actively trying, but we are both thrilled that we were blessed with such a wonderful son and we appreciate him everyday. I wish there was more support out there for parents who decide to have just one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, even if you choose it! I say, if you feel like trying for another, go ahead, but please don't think you have to. Enjoy your son and make a decision that's right for your family.
E. K :-)