SCREWED UP - Did Something I Shouldn't Have - Need Advice...

I find that line of questioning really inappropriate in a first conversation, actually. Like, WHY does it matter...and WHY does he need to know now? I would just not even be interested in a man who asked me that so soon.

Anyway, just say what you already expressed. "Oh you caught me off guard and I said something that wasn't factual." Also, I would want to know why he even cares.

"Oh you caught me off guard and I said something that wasn't factual" That's exactly what you tell him. If he has a problem with it then you know it wasn't meant to be with him anyway. Why would someone even ask that on the very first conversation?

Wow that's pretty nervy. I don't think that was a proper question for him to ask -- especially the first time talking to you. He caught you off guard and you didn't feel comfortable sharing so much information with him right then. I doubt he'll be around long anyway, if you're smart.

The next time your oldest comes up in conversation, I would say "Well, Bob was the only father she/he has ever known, her/his bio dad has never even seen her/him...."

No I wouldn't bring it up immediately as a confession, but I would work it in ASAP.

You need a good talking to, girlfriend.

You are off on the wrong foot already, and not because you didn't tell him the truth, but because you are already acting all pathetic and apologetic and YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY!

Cut it out! Be a strong woman, not a wussy doormat. If, by a small chance, this guy is good enough for YOU, are you going to give him all this power over you? Are you going to get all whiny and submissive and grovelling because you might have offended the all-powerful, all-important male??

You need to have some self-respect! HE should be the one kissing up to YOU, not the other way around. First of all, it wasn't his go**dam business how many fathers your kids have, and pretty darn rude of him to ask it on a first phone call. It is absolutely not his place to ask such a question; he hasn't earned your life story, and you are under no obligation to inform him. If you "lie," that's your right.

STOP APOLOGIZING. I can tell you right now, if you don't learn to have some self-respect and confidence, this guy is going to walk all over you, and the relationship will ultimately not work out. Any guy who likes a pathetic female only likes her because he can control her.

Your kids are depending on you. Get your act together. I don't know why, when you haven't even met this guy, you have already decided that he's going to be the one for you. You don't know one thing about him.

It would be much better for your kids if you focused on them, and refrained from bringing some jerk into their lives. But if you absolutely HAVE to date, then you need to make the guy WORK to EARN you, and believe that you are a prize to be earned; NOT that HE is the prize for which you must grovel.

Change your attitude, NOW. And if, after MANY MONTHS of dating, this guy turns out to be worth your time, and it's relevant to anything, you can tell him the story of your children's fathers. Until then, keep your privacy.

p.s. If he turns out to be worth your time, here is what you tell him when you finally tell him about your kids' fathers: "I didn't tell you earlier because it wasn't your business." And don't freakin' apologize.

I cannot imagine asking a question like that in an initial conversation! Wow - that makes me question him.

If it goes any further I would clarify with him, and just tell him that he caught you off guard and that you don't like sharing personal information about your children (that affects not just YOU but your kids) with a casual acquaintance (which is what he is currently).

I don't like guilt complexes either. If that's an issue for you I would work on that before getting into another relationship.

More than anything I would see the question itself as a red flag. WAY too personal of a question to be asking a woman he hardly knows! And I think you responded the way you did because you were being defensive, his question was offensive. It seems like he's trying to find out what "kind" of a woman you are, rather than actually getting to know you.
If you really like him, tell him the truth now, but I would be a little wary going forward.

ouch. this must be weighing heavily on you.

I would NOT tell him over the phone. I would wait until you've been on several dates and you know it's going somewhere then tell him the truth. "you completely caught me off guard. I did NOT want to get into the specifics at that time." just like you stated to us and then tell him the situation.

If he can't handle it? he's not man enough to be in your life.

Good luck!!!

My first son is not my husband's biological son. My other two are.
My SON knows that my husband adopted him, but that's it.
Any time we are at the doctors or anything else I always just say they are all my husband's children.
Because they are.
L.
(what a WEIRD question to ask! I wouldn't say anything yet. And if it comes down to it later on I would just say what I say. " My husband (or in your case, the ex) has always been the father to all of our kids. I don't really think about it!"

What Bug said was my EXACT first thought - Why does he even care and why would he ask you that! You haven't even met, other than online or on the phone, right? That just seems weird for him to ask you that. I mean, maybe if it came up in conversation when you're actually on a date. I don't know. I would be wary.

But that's not the question you asked. If I were you, I would wait until a couple hours into the date, when you're having a great time. Then be completely honest. "You caught me off guard the other day on the phone...." If he's interested in you then none of it should matter anyway.

Let us know what happens if you tell him!

I would actually have considered it a red flag that a man a hardly knew was asking me about the father of my children. I was married for 18 years, we have four kids and the middle two have a nine year gap. Even with that I was never asked by any man I dated, were they all from the same man.

That is a totally inappropriate question. That it is inappropriate is why you were caught off guard. So stop worrying about your very human reaction and start considering why he asked it.

It is none of his business how many fathers your children have, at this point in your relationship. I think it was OK to say yes or to not answer at all. You could've made a comment about a different topic. That is socially acceptable when you don't want to answer the question asked.

I suggest that you need to find a way to have more self confidence so that you aren't trying to please a stranger. Be yourself. If that means saying no, then say no. I suggest that if you were less focused on pleasing him you would've said no. I also suggest that starting a new relationship with the need to get his approval is starting out in an unhealthy way. You want him to like the real you.

As to this question, I'd let it go. When and if you get serious you can tell him the truth. I wouldn't remind him I'd said anything different, either. Let go of the anxiety and guilt. You did nothing wrong. Saying yes does not make you a deceitful person. It was a new person and what you said was a reasonable answer to a thoughtless question. What is important in determining character is the pattern of our lives, thoughts, and actions. One lie does not make us deceitful.

And......if whether or not your children have the same father is important to him then he's not the right man for you. You are a good person who has done the best that you can do. You are a good person. Do not be cowed by a stranger.

BTW: My daughter's 3 children have 3 different fathers. She is not ashamed of it. No one has responded in a negative way to it. She is a good person who made some poor choices. She's learned and grown from them.

The question isn't any of his business at this point in your relationship, so you don't owe him a thing.

I can understand wanting to know if there is drama for him to be concerned of, but REALLY...are all your children from the same dad?

The kids and their business should be very limited at this point.

This was your FIRST conversation and he's asking you if your kids all had the same father?

Seriously?

I like OneandDone's comment, but I don't think it's necessary that you "work it in asap."

The thing is, you must have some boundaries. And if he's prying out information too quickly, and you're giving it...you need to place some good boundaries.

The question caught you off guard when he asked it because in a first phone conversation, he had no business asking you that. That was far too personal of a question and while it may have been dishonest, that was your instinct and self-preservation kicking in.

I wouldn't be worrying what he thinks about you right now and what he'll think about you when/if he finds out you lied and why... I'd be wondering why he thought it was an appropriate question to ask at all and I'd be putting it in the "negatives" column about him.

Even if you've been talking online, you don't know each other well enough to ask such personal questions in a first real live phone conversation nor face to face. You should b e treating this like someone setting you up on a blind date with a stranger.

EDIT: By the way, in case I wasn't clear, you DID NOT SCREW UP. He did.

I like One and Dones line.

Please be careful. I hate the thought of meeting people online.

The fact that he would even ask that particular question in your very first conversation is a big red flag. I would bet that he has some reason -- like he has an ex who had kids with more than one guy and it's a sore topic with him; or he is very, very conservative and intends to rule out any woman who has had whatever HE considers "too many" relationships; or he is nice enough but just an awful and awkward conversationalist who is clueless about appropriate boundaries.

Whatever the scenario, he should not have "gone there" in a phone conversation with someone he has not even met, much less gotten to know.

It's also a red flag that you are this wound up about what he will think of you, whether to tell him on the phone today, whether he will reject you for being "a liar and a deceitful person" and so on. Why are you investing this with such huge, huge signficance? Why is it so vital to impress him? Please take a look at why you're doing online dating and what your own motives are -- if you feel you just must be dating someone, why is that so important to you that you are in a twist about this, before you even meet face to face? I know women -- and men -- who simply cannot go without dating someone or being in a relationship at all times. If you feel that's where you are, please stop and see if you need time to be by yourself first. The fact you're so upset about this one tiny, in-the-moment gaffe, with a total stranger whom you seem determined to impress -- that's an indication that you're putting a ton of importance on this "relationship" that doesn't yet exist.

You first big mistake was giving him your phone number. I have had a profile on more than one online dating site for several years. I learned the hard way NEVER give out your phone number, personal email or address to anyone you meet online until you know him a few months. Cell phone numer maybe, let him contact you through the site only. And meet him only in a crowded public place, never at his home or yours and do not meet him at a place you go to often. Many of these guys are just plain weird, control freaks, abusive, married, stalkers ect ect.

You know nothing about this man and you are all worried that he won't like you because you have 3 children by 2 different fathers. If this man is that judgemental you do not need him to be a part of your life.

Ok, first of all, if you are only just starting to chat online and by phone it seems a bit forward for him to ask such a personal and kind of private question so quickly. Especially one that really would have not that much to do with a relationship. I mean, it doesn't have anything to do with being compatable and getting to know the other person. What if your oldest child's Dad was deceased, and you remarried and had 2 more kids and then divirced? (not saying that what you DID do is wrong, just that nobody can or should judge anyones situation with more than 1 child and 1 father simply because they exsist) You just NEVER know.
Secondly, right now I don't think that you need to worry about this AT ALL> You don't even know where this is going to lead. This guy may end up not being anyone worthy of your time. I would wait this out and get to know him a lot more before you decide if you trust him, like him, and if the relationship is even worth your time before you give him any of your private and personal info like that. Then if and when the time comes, just tell him that you don't like to share that info with someone until you are close and know that they are really important, because your kids, all 3 of them are very special and the most important people in your life. If your ex husband, (the father of the other 2) acted like your oldest's father during your marrige, you could even say that because he acted like a father to my oldest during our marrige I just include him as one of his kids so he doesn't feel left out since he has no contact with his bio Dad. Honestly you really don't owe this man any explanation other than I didn't know you well enough at the time to say anything so I just said yes. The question was way too personal at that time for me.
I am raising my nephew and niece and have had them for over 7 1/2 yrs. We are in the process of adopting them now. I don't tell people that they aren't my own biological kids unless the "need" arises, so only really close friends and family knows, (well, other than the things I have posted on here, lol) so it isn't really anyone's business how many fathers your kids have! Good luck!

maybe you didn't screw up - I can think of one reason he was asking such a question right off the bat ... wanting to know how long it will take to be intimate! any way you can check him out and see how many baited lines he has out there??

that is super weird to me. it's none of his business and i would be a little uncomfortable a man asking me something like that, right off the bat.

however.

you asked about what do YOU do.

honestly? i think next time you see him, you have to say, just like you did here. "omg, i am going to have to tell you something - i screwed up yesterday. when you asked me if all my kids are from the same father - that really caught me off guard. my first response was "yes" - well, that's not true. i'm really sorry. " LEAVE IT AT THAT. let him ask questions from there and go by his lead.

either he accepts that you made a mistake. or he doesn't. don't fall all over yourself - you don't owe him anything and honestly, the fact that he was being so nosy right off the bat makes me wonder why - is he planning to judge you based on that? is that really someone you want to continue seeing?

OR. the other alternative is, if his questions gave you a creepy, controlling, nosy feeling like they do me, just don't see him again.

good luck, sorry i wasn't too quick but i offered my two cents anyway :)

I was going to basically say what OneandDone said ... I also agree that you should be more careful with online dating and really dating in general. Here is something my friend did when using match.com, maybe this will help you out:

Stareted a free email account with NO personal info on it specifically for that profile.
Got a go phone (pre paid) and IF they got to the point where a phone call was acceptable that was the number she gave.

She has only given one guy her real number and they no live together 2yrs later. Happy endings CAN be found online but so can sad, hurtful, painful ones. You have not only yourself but your three kids to think of here, be safe.

Oh and to introduce the *new* go phone number, easy say hey, I am getting a new phone, here is the number you should contact me on moving forward. No big deal.

explain that he just caught you completely off guard and you just responded without thinking.you didnt know how to back track your response.

i dont think its something you need to tell him right away.. for all you know you might talk to him a few more times and thats it, it may never go anywhere.. i think if the two of you actually start seriously dating then obviously you need to tell him,and oneanddone's responce was exactly waht you should say... and i also agree that its really strange that he would ask you that during your first actual conversation

Fess up and take it from there. Chances are this man may have a few things to fess up as well. If it doesn't work out, take the lesson and don't lie anymore.

I like OneandDone's answer if you absolutely HAVE to fess up, but frankly, if it was me, I'm with Marda P. I think saying "yes" at this point in the relationship is absolutely okay, and I wouldn't correct yourself yet. If you get to know him better, and start to actually date him in person, then you can tell him at that point that you didn't feel it was any of his business when you two were strangers, but now you think he should know the truth.

Good luck.

That seems like a really nosy, rude or at least odd question to ask during a first phone conversation. It was a question that was inappropriate to ask at this point in time. If it is really bothering you, I would tell him now that you were caught off guard and said something that was inaccurate, don't want to get off on the wrong foot, etc. If it were me, I'd probably wait until meeting in person, determine whether this person truly has relationship potential and clear it up at that point. Right now, this man is a stranger that you are just meeting, and he asked a question that pried too deeply into an area that you are not at level to discuss. Yes, you want to be honest, but you don't owe him intimate details or answers that you feel a need to justify with backstory.

I would write him an email and let him know the truth of the matter. Speak from the heart without making excuses. Let him know that you feel there is a stigma attached to the idea of a woman having multiple babies by different men (I assume in part this is why you feel somewhat uncomfortable and ashamed) of it? Otherwise, you would have just told him, right? The bottomline is that no one can shame you unless you already feel ashamed... Correct the matter and move on. If he is put off by it, well better to have had it come out now rather than later, don't you think?

I agree with your assessment in that if you lied about this, what else are you lying about.. It would be the same for him... IF he has multiple kids by different mothers, then I too would want to know and even if they weren't from different moms, I'd still like to know... I say this because you can tell the character of a person (in part) by how well they treat their kids... and if a guy is making multiple babies without caring for them , then time to drop em... So to me, the question wasn't off base..

Be open and honest and go from there. If he is turned off by the truth, then let him go... it's not meant to be..

Be honest now so it isn't upsetting you.