Punishment /Consequence for Stealing/lying

I try to pick my battles. Personally, I would let this go. I definitely would not characterize this as "stealing" although I agree that someone is lying about taking the candy.

I would be hesitant to punish them both with hard labor, but I might revoke privileges for them both until the culprit comes clean, and then I would make then go to the store and buy some more of the chocolates with their own money, and that would be the end of it. I don't really consider it stealing if my kids eat the food in the house. Yes, there are limits on what and when they can have, but I certainly wouldn't have them scrubbing toilets over a sweet tooth. Make the thief replace what they ate and move on.

I'm not sure your ideas of food are completely healthy. I understand if you bought something for baking and told everyone (not just your daughter) that it is for baking and not for snacking. That would bug me, too. When I buy food for school lunches, I get upset when someone is looking for a snack and eats that particular food.

But it's not ok to complain that your 15 year old son is always eating. That's what teenage boys do. They eat. Their bodies are growing, and they simply require more food. It's just fact. Be thankful that he's eating peanut butter and drinking milk. Those are good for him. I'm sure he eats his fair share of junk food, and obviously he needs to respect you if certain foods are meant for something specific and therefore off limits. But you really need to let him eat when he's hungry.

Have you dusted for fingerprints? Do not rest until you nab that thieving varmit!

:(

well, i'm with you. i HATE it when i've got treats stashed for a specific purpose and they disappear. lying is a huge deal in this house. so your pique is completely understandable.

but there we diverge. i've got 5 brothers, 2 sons and had a revolving door of teenage boys living or semi-living here. 15 year old boys are ravening black holes of disproportionate hunger. while it's absolutely your right to have certain treats off limits, it's also ridiculous to expect that a starving teenage boy should restrain himself from eating. instead of being butthurt about the peanut butter and milk (really?????) i'd be buying them in bulk and making sure that they and other healthy fill-ups were ALWAYS available.

the sneaking and food hoarding indicate to me that you have locked the kitchen down too tightly, and been too menacing when the starving boys have broken and 'stolen' food. instead of punishment, i'd be very much in the camp of being more open, more accessible, more solution-oriented. i'd be having discussions on how the sugary candy stuff triggers the brain into nomming, but protein-based snacks, like the awesome peanut butter and milk that your boy is drawn to, have great brain and muscle builders and are far better at controlling hunger pangs. while i'd certainly express disappointment over the snaffled candy, i wouldn't punish, i'd say 'wow, sweetheart, you must have been starving. let's make a list of things that are okay for you snack on when you absolutely cannot wait for the next meal. there are so many good ones- peanut butter crackers, bananas, string cheese, apples, cashews, yogurt, buttered toast, granola bars, carrot sticks. we'll stock up on them. but i want your word that you won't raid my candy pantry any more. not only do i have plans for that stuff that you disrupt when you just take it, it's so crappy for you overall. you don't ever have to go hungry, though. let's make a pact, shall we?'

and do it.

and i think it's way bent that you want to punish both older kids regardless of the culprit.

yes, stealing is very wrong, and i'd have a very jaundiced view of it. but please acknowledge your own role in setting up such a rigid and closed family environment that your kids feel compelled to sneak.
khairete
S.

You are looking to punish instead of teach, and therein lies the problem.
Teaching: Oh, we don't have the candy for the baked goods. Bummer.

Listen as parents we have a choice-- give our children the benefit of the doubt that they are decent people and have faith that they won't grow up to be criminals OR yes, by all means, punish them. Take away any semblance of proportion around the situation. And be prepared that they don't tell you *anything* because they know you will punish them in your quest to 'teach' a lesson.

I remember a story of a mom who had their child arrested for stealing her pop tarts. You remind me of her. I buy food for the family and at times I say this is earmarked for something but never have I accused or grounded a child for stealing food. You can't steal food that is in your house, it is your food, so technically they aren't lying.

Problem solved

Ya know my biggest problem with this is if you really did buy this stuff to make Halloween treats then you really were setting them up for a fail! If I am baking I buy specialty items within a couple days of the bake. I am not the only one living in my home and the longer they sit there the less they look needed. That and the whole, oh look at these yummy things I bought, I am putting them right here, don't touch them. Give me a break, you may as well have put them on a plate for the kids.

Suz's response is really good. I'm so glad she's had older kids and I can read her responses

I have had this happen too. You're definitely not the only one. For example, just a couple of weeks ago, I went to go make chocolate zucchini cake, and I had it all mixing away and went to go get the chocolate chip bag. All I needed was 1/2 - 1 cup of choc chips. There was maybe a 1/4 cup. Who does that? Did I think my kids would eat a zucchini cake with no chocolate chips? No. So I had a little mini melt down and vowed I'd hide my chocolate chips next time.

But when they got home and saw the less than chocolate studded cake, I explained that's what happens when you eat mom's baking ingredients. It could have been my husband quite honestly. No one fessed up that time.

I've explained that sugar makes you more hungry, so if you can put aside a few treats for them so they're not deprived, but make bread and pb available, no name healthy cereal, etc. and just get them to clean up afterwards, I think that's the best you can do. Pick your battles right? I remember sneaking cookies as a child.

Good luck :)

It sounds like your son is hungry. He needs to have access to healthy food in whatever amount he needs to eat. He is growing. While they shouldn't take candy, he shouldn't have to sneak food because he is hungry at night.

I Would not give a consequence since you don't know who did it. Talking with them lets them know you are displeased. That is consequence enough. Or you could not bake because you no longer have the chocolate. That would be a natural consequence that teaches all of them to not take the candy.

A consequence teaches while punishment just makes the kid angry and less likely to learn the lesson.

Sounds like you don't want the kids to eat candy. I suggest you put the candy out of sight. I did that for my daughter and now my grandkids. Their parents do the same. I suggest candy is too big a temptation. I know where the candy is but wish I didn't. Even I, an adult, sometimes gives in to temptation.

Really, why is eating peanut butter by the spoon a problem? Same with the milk. I often snack in the middle of the night. How is that a bad habit? I suggest you dedicate one shelf for acceptable snacks.

Kids in a group won't usually fess up. When they feel there's a problem with the parent such as feeling the parent is not fair or when the parent is angry and they don't want to get in trouble, siblings often stick together.

I suggest you read the book Love and Logic by Foster Cline. He teaches ways to teach children by giving natural consequences. Another parenting tip is to have family meetings during which everyone can talk about issues important to anyone. Calm talk with no anger, no accusations. Together, talk about why you think a rule is important and how it benefits them. Listen to how they think and feel about the rule. Be willing to negotiate and compromise.

Including teens in decisions and rule making is essential for them to cooperate with you. The teen years are years in which teens learn to separate from their parents. They continue to learn how to make good decisions.

In my opinion it's not a big deal that some delicious food gets eaten by hungry teenagers. You have a midnight snacker. Maybe leave out something yummy each night. I would just not really worry about it because I would not consider it stealing. We are a family and the food in the kitchen belongs to the family...sometimes someone gets hungry and eats all the cookies (or whatever...my husband usually! ha). If we have candy in the house then yes little hands are always grabbing one as they run by. I would never consider it stealing. If I needed candy for baking I would just go buy some more...and find a better hiding spot! This would not be a big deal in our family.

My usual sweet, honest and healthy family just can't be trusted when the cravings hit and there's a big bag of sugary deliciousness in the kitchen. Who can blamed them? Do you really expect a child (or husband or wife) to reach for the banana when the forbidden fruit is right there?

Our kitchen is well stocked with healthy and not so healthy snacks but there is something about those "saving-for-later" foods that calls to them.

Put what you want untouched in your bedroom closet and be done with this. If this is your kid's biggest transgression then count your blessings.

PS- What's wrong with a teenage boy eating peanut butter from a spoon and drinking milk like water? Lighten' up.

How do you know you didn't sleep walk and eat the candy yourself?

The logical consequence of someone eating your baking chocolate is that you don't bake the goodies you had planned, so the kids never get them. Done and over.

My 13 and 15 year old boys eat 357208403472 times per day. They just keep eating and growing and needing larger clothing and eating some more. They are not awake at 2am eating, but they do eat a filling mini-meal about 15-30 minutes before they go to bed. Have your son eat a pb sandwich and a glass of milk before bed, vs a sugary snack or whatever he typically picks. It might help a ton.

Added: My older son goes through a couple gallons of milk per week on his own. The younger uses more like one gallon. Comparing notes with my friends with teenagers, that is actually much lower than normal consumption.

According to my mother, her oldest brother used to drink a gallon of milk or more PER DAY! That isn't healthy at all and he started having abdominal issues, so they had to restict it for him.

I started buying peanut butter in 4+ pound cans, btw. We currently spend as much on food every month as we do for our mortgage! I'm constantly restocking cheeses, eat-raw fruits & veggies, yogurt, nuts, and other nutritent dense items. I put granola bars in their backpacks for a quick energy/hunger solution when they are between classes. We have treats here too. It's a balance.

Added again: The sleepwalking reply cracked me up! My mother was in the hospital recently. After she was released, I went to stay with her for a week. One night I heard a noise & found my mother up and eating candy. It was about 3am. When I tried to talk to her, her replies were nonsensical and I realized she was sleepwalking! I got her tucked back in and come morning she had no memory of any of it. I showed her the candy wrappers! I suppose it is reasonably possible that you stole your own candy. lol

Do let us know what you decided and who proved the thief.

You said two things I your original post that really jumped out at me:

1. "caught him eating peanut butter by spoonfuls he goes through milk like water"

It would definitely bother me if he ate off the spoon and then put the spoon back into the jar! Otherwise, that is something you have to let go. If he wants a snack and chooses peanut butter, that's not a bad choice. Drinking lots of milk get's expensive, doesn't it? Still, if he's thirsty he needs to drink. Milk is very good for him.

2. "he is known to go through cabinets and sneak things here or there"

I'm having trouble with this statement, too. In your eyes, what is the problem? Is it that he is looking for food when he shouldn't be? Is it that those particular cabinets are off limits?

In your SWH you said, "you don't just get to eat everything out of the house."

It sounds like a big issue here is that you feel your son eats too much. You mention that he doesn't ask first. My 6 year old doesn't always ask! That only bugs me if it's too close to dinner time and I'm concerned he won't eat dinner.

Maybe he did sneak the chocolates, and maybe he didn't fess up. Are you sure your ideas about food are healthy? Because it sounds like you have a hungry teenage boy who is not being allowed to eat when he's hungry.

You can't prove who took it/ate it, and you will regret choosing one child to accuse. That never, ever goes well. Saying "The little one never takes things" just gives him carte blanche to do so in the future, and makes the other kids feel persecuted. That doesn't mix well with adolescent feelings of rejection and being on the outs. Doesn't mean you're wrong - just means it doesn't work.

So the thing to do is have everyone suffer the consequences - there's no money for X because you had to go buy more candy to replace what magically went missing. You don't have time to drive anyone to Y location or help with homework or (this is a good one) DO LAUNDRY because you had to sweep up candy wrappers, hunt for the missing item, and go replace it. Oh well. They can do their own laundry or make their own lunches. You can make a blanket statement that "the one who stole it knows it, and knows that I know it." Say no more, don't look any one culprit in the eye, just say you know more than they think you know and let that be the end of it.

It's not really as minuscule as you think - the point is, they think they're getting away with something, and that's a classic characteristic of the teen years. Get on top of it before things like alcohol and curfews and sex and so on are on the table. You can always add in a story about how you were always sure you pulled the wool over your parents' eyes and of course they knew everything.

And of course, non-trustworthy kids can't be given allowance or learners' permits or unsupervised parties or other privileges of the responsible years. Let them earn their privileges through mutual respect and responsibility.

I had a piano teacher when I was young who had 6 kids.
They HAD to put a pad lock on the pantry and a bicycle chain and pad lock around the fridge else the kids would sneak and eat them out of a weeks worth of groceries in three days.

You can't trust someone, you're not %100 sure who, and the penalty is EVERYONE is going to suffer the consequences because you HAVE to LOCK UP the FOOD.
And wear the key on a chain around your neck at all times.
She who holds the keys controls the asylum!
End of problem!

You have never ever woke up and been hungry? Peanut butter goes bye bye in my house, with a spoon and I find the empty jar on the counter the next morning if I'm lucky. Otherwise it will be in the living room, in the den, or in the bedroom. Peanut butter isn't bad for him.

I think you come across differently than you planned on. It seems petty and picking on a hungry kid. That's probably not how you meant it.

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In my opinion you need to have one cabinet where you put food that is off limits to anyone but you.

On the other hand your child wouldn't be eating if he wasn't hungry, feed him. Kids eat what's in the cabinet and they don't have to have label on everything to know if it's food for food or food for mom to do stuff with. If you don't want them to eat it then lock it up. Good grief!

We put a dorm size fridge in our master bathroom to keep pop and candy things in. This way the kids have to ask for a treat and they don't drink a 12 pack a day. I think it sounds like you don't want him to eat anything.

don't make the treats, don't store the chocolate. get it as close to the baking day as you can and if you must get it in advance lock it in a safe. no one should steal chocolate. if you steal chocolate in my house you get a time out ( kids are 3 and 5)
for your kids, i would go with a simple grounding. 1 week. no electronics, and no friends. if they fess up to stealing then they can have the electronics back, but still no friends... (when the friends ask why they will have to explain that they got grounded for stealing chocolate) make sure they know they are in trouble for STEALING and not for eating chocolate. that they may of been allowed to have a piece of chocolate if they had asked.