Public Behavior

Its just the way it is. I remember with both of my kids there was a time we just couldn't go anywhere or do anything. He'll get over it. Stay consistant, don't let him get away with anything or he'll know to esculate the behavior until he gets his way.

But mostly, don't go anywhere that isn't kid friendly. He'll get over it, but it will be a while.

I went through the same thing. We just stayed in for a few weeks until it passed. Then we would try to do things where it wouldn't matter if he was loud and uncooperative for a few weeks i.e. mc donalds or a gym type place to try him out. I know how hard it is but I promise it will pass.

good luck!

My son was CRAZY for about a year (1 1/2 to 2 1/2). We used a monkey backpack with a detachable tail "leash" (Target and Walmart carry them. They are actually kind of cute. Our son even looked forward to wearing the monkey.) We used it when we were in certain situations like walking on a path alongside a stream or at a parade where we didn't want him darting away from us in the crowd or out in the street. Also, a stroller with a good snack supply and/or toys would hold him off for a short bit.

all my kids went out from the very beginning. Yes at times would act up, but I knew to go to kid friendly place, order their food to come first, make sure they have things to color and call ahead for seating. Kids can't be expected to have to wait long when they are hungry or tired.

Will get better but need to both be strong and united

At 21 months old he probably just wants to run everywhere! The world is fun and he wants to know about it!
First hes not going to sit still at this age. The only restaurant we take our kids to is one that is fast food. Sit down restaurants are reserved till our kids are older or for dates for my husband and I. They can practice a little easier in a fast food place as there's usually more kids there so I don't feel as self conscious. They do awesome now so we are able to go to other restaurants but we take snacks or feed them before if we now there's going o be a long wait to sit down or eat.
Next, never take a child out when he should be napping! When you take him to the store try to involve him our take something for him to do. You can teach him colors as he helps put stuff in the cart or you can play some sort of game where you ask him can you see apple etc. Let him help and dont stress too much about squished bread etc. Your buying it so its ok.
Note how long he can last and try and build him up from there. Take him for short outings first and don't do your big shop with him. My kids could walk with me by the cart if they held onto the cart, held my hand etc, but if they wouldn't listen they were strapped in immediately to the cart until they were quiet and ready to listen. To be fair though if they really are tired, hungry, bored, you cant expect them to be still unless you have some prevention of thse things up your sleeve!

Let me start by telling you that my youngest son has 2 nicknames: Bam Bam and Genghis Khan. We started calling him by these very appropriate nicknames when he wasn't even a year! Flash forward 2 yrs and he is STILL worse than my other 2 kids were at this age combined. Next week will be his 3rd b-day and I'm counting the days until I can put him in the Eagle's Nest at Giant Eagle and shop in peace and not have to leave my buggy (and usually my purse) and chase him all over. When we go out to eat as a family, my husband usually eats first so that I can control Matt, then he takes over and I eat ( a lukewarm meal). He has meltdowns, he escapes from the stroller and takes off, and has even started repeating things loudly in public (my favorites are when I tell him "I love you, but you're killing me" and "Matt, you're being a bad boy". He tells me in public "Mommy, you're killing me! and " Mommy, you're a bad mommy!") One thing that helped us a little was something that I actually got from this site. Target sells these cute harnesses in the shape of a monkey or a dog that were only about $10. I was really against it at first bacause I used to think it was terrible that moms would put their kids on leashes, but now I know that the peace of mind is worth any looks or remarks. And the great thing is, I haven't received any negative looks or remarks, only things like "Oh, how cute, he's got a monkey on his back!", or "I wish they had those when my kids were little". The funniest thing is when he drops to the ground and refuses to move in public, even though some may think it's gross, I literally can either haul him up by the harness and tail, or drag him across the floor for a few feet before he gets the hint. Then when he behaves, he gets to hold the monkey's tail by himself, but if he acts up again, I take it away from him and carry him over my shoulder for a few minutes. It's not perfect, but he's my last one, so I'm trying to tell myself he'll eventually grow out of it. Hang in there, hope this advice helps. And above all else, be grateful that you didn't give birth to Genghis Khan!!

W.,
I feel your pain. My son was very difficult in public. He ran away several times in stores and a few times into the street. I eventually had to buy a leash. I got some really nasty stares, but my child's safety was my most important concern. I also noticed that if I gave him something to do while we were in the store like look through a book, snack on crackers, or his favorite food or distracted him with songs, we made it through.

My son is 4 now and still has some issues when we go to the store when he is sleepy or hungry. I feed him or give him something soft to lay his head on while in the cart and he's okay.

Contrary to what some others have said, I did not attribute his misbehavior to me. I am a very reserved adult and I conduct myself very well in public and private so I am not sure what I am expected to model.

Getting a 21 month your old to behave in public is hard - my daughter wouldn't, so I just quit going with her - no use in getting me upset - she's now 8 and will behave, so she gets the treat to go with us.

Hi,

I know that this is prob not going to be what you want to hear but when my son was that young there was a point for about a year that we pretty much couldnt go out in public with him either. He was just realizing and trying to grab his independance and "run" with it. There really is no stopping them. That is just that age. You can try and bring some of the favorite toys or books and maybe even a portable dvd player to keep them occupied but when they are that age it is hard to keep them occupied by one thing for too long. It doesnt last forever. Its only a yr or so of hanging out at home or having just one of you go to the store (without the baby). Hang in there, after that passes it becomes so much fun and a treat to go out and not have to panic or be so stressed. One major suggestion is that you never allow them to walk in stores or restaurants. Make it a rule that when you are in a store or a restaurant they must be seated at all times (stroller/cart/or table). If you allow it once then they think they can do it all the time. Good luck!

My daughter learned that if she started acting up we would leave the store or restauarant and go home.

I did that about 2 or 3 times and after that she learned that if she behaved we would stay and eat out. If she behaved in the store she was allowed a small reward (m&m's or something from teh dollar store when we went.

W.,
You are not alone. The key is, don't give in. And, go places that are kid friendly. The restaurant that we really love are Red Robin. The kids get balloons, they bring out french fries right after you sit down (or you can request cantaloupe, oranges, carrots, salad, etc...). The food also always seems to come out very quickly. The decorations are also great fun to talk about.
As far as shopping, make sure he's had his nap first. This is the best advice I can give. Kid friendly shopping stores we love are anything like Walmart, Kmart, Target, Sams Club, BJ's and the like. Anticipate that he's going to want to walk around. My 15 month old wails if she can't get down and walk. So, we bring toys for her and her brother to play with in the cart and we let them walk around a little. If either of them run away, they go right into the front of the cart for 1 or 2 min before they get another shot.
Don't be so concerned with people "staring" or pointing. Remember, your child is only 21 months. This is normal behavior. People are rude. As long as you don't give in when he screams for candy or toys, the onlookers will understand and respect you and you'll teach your son that going out does not = getting something new/fun.
One last thing, get on his level and tell him not to run away. I tell my kids that there are strangers around and when there are strangers, they need to stay close to mommy and daddy or else they may get lost or end up going home with someone else. Then, they wouldn't get to see mommy and daddy again. I started that with my son at a little before 2 years old and to this day, he makes sure he can see us at all times and that he's extra close in really busy places.

That's really pretty typical behavior at that age, so don't worry about it too much. The important thing is to set up rules and enforce them consistently. At that age, you can really only have a few rules, so make them important - hold mommy/daddy's hand when we're not at home, listen to mom/dad, no hitting - depends on your particular struggles. There's a great book for getting through the infamous 2's called Making the Terrible Twos Terrific by John Rosemond. I got it when my oldest was 2 and it was a great resource both for helping you get into their minds and for dealing with the behavior. I didn't agree with or follow everything, but it still helped.

As for outings, there a few things you can try. First, try to time them when your son is well rested and not hungry, etc. I always found first thing in the morning was our best time, plus stores tend to be less crowded then (assuming the ones you need to go to are open!). Or try for after a nap.

Second, definitely bring things to help keep your son occupied - crayons and paper, pretend phone, small cars - whatever he's in to. My girls always loved the magic ink books, which we usually reserved for only certain times/places to keep their appeal. I also find having a cup of water or juice and a small snack (goldfish, pretzels, cheerios, etc.) can help a lot.

I would also try starting with relatively short outings and ones that are not completely necessary. For a while it may mean you or your husband going alone to do the grocery shopping, etc., but it will be worth it in the long run. When you get to where you're going, get on your son's level and look him in the eye and tell him that you expect him to listen to you and hold your hand (or whatever specifically you want him to do, but keep it simple and consistent from outing to outing) and that if he doesn't you will have to leave the store/restaurant/etc. This is also really effective if it's a place they want to be. Then go ahead and do your errand. If he acts us, you can give him a single warning, but again be clear - "if you don't hold my hand, we have to leave." If it continues, follow through and leave. Now he may through a monster of a fit and you may have to take him to the car kicking and screaming, but generally after a couple of times of this the child will understand you mean business. I know it will b e hard because you will feel like people are staring, but trust me when I tell you there are more people who understand what you're going through and are sympathetic than there are people who are judging you (and most of them have never had kids). I think our worst was when my oldest was about 2 and I had to take her kicking and screaming out of the mall - and she kept screaming "You're not my mommy!" Not fun, but after that it was a long time before we had another meltdown while out.

As your son gets used to this, you will be able to go more places, extend the length of your outings, and even get stuff done. It's always harder trying to get stuff done with kids in tow, but it does get easier. Good luck!

Some ideas that worked with my boys:

STORES are our worst nightmare!!! they don't make it easy for parents w/the candy and all the distractions.

I learned very early in the game to bring a snack/or lunch. I will usually go to the stores right before a meal. I will put my child in the shopping cart and layout his drink/snack/or sandwich and he will sit still because he was eating. I used to love to bring grapes, b/c they take a while to pull it off the branch and shoved them in their mouth, also enjoyed taking raisins, cookies etc.

VERY, VERY, IMPORTANT boys are like men!!! shopping is boring and they don't want any part of it. They need entertainment. I always made them bring their doodle board w/them. After they were done with the snack, they will doodle for me. I will say can you draw a happy face for mom? how about a sad face? how about the sun? etc. Interacting with them is important.

ANOTHER thing I will do is tell them that they can choose 3 toys to play with from the toy department to explore while mom shop. Then they had to tell me what they liked and didn't like about the toy. I made it clear before we selected the toy that we were going to explore them and play with them not buy and had them repeat to me that we were not buying it, and that I didn't want any trouble when we had to put the toys back. Either they explored or be bored while mommy shoped? which one is it.

Last resort: Get a mini DVD player and have them watch a movie while you shop. I don't recommend this because it kills a child's creativity, but sometimes you have to do whatever it takes.

Good luck!! remember to always bring a snack to the stores especially when you are at the paying lane when they are overwhelmed with all the candy around them.

let me know if any of it works for you!!

Ohhhh one more ... very important.
Before you get out of the car to your destination ask your child if he knows how to behave in such place and to tell you.
Then you tell him whatever he forgot to tell you.

Example: Right before I enter the library I tell my kids, k, before we go in, who can tell me the library rules? Be quite, do not disturb, get your books, etc. It is a prep talk. If a child breaks the rules, we go straight to the car and sit there, they hate it b/c it is boring. They say mom why are you not driving? b/c I needed to do such and such, but because of your poor behavior/rule breaking we now have to sit in the car and do nothing, and until you promise me that you will follow the rules we will just sit here and do nothing. (You will only have to do this about 3 - 4 times) untill they know you mean business. If you have to go a step futher to correct his behavior you can say he will be punished for misbehaving in public, that when you take him to a fun place he will have to wait in the car 10 minutes before he can go play.

Example: My child was difficult one time, so I grap some friends and told them that we were going to the park to have a play date. Well we got to the park, all the kids got out of the car and ran to the playground and I said to my son to wait a second. When all his friends were out and running about. I told him privately, now you will sit and watch them have fun without you for 10 minutes. Also asked him if he knows why he was being punished. He did remember sometimes they don't and we need to remind them. Then he was able to join his friends.

It could be anyplace CHUCK and CHEESE, make them wiggle in their car seat for 10 minutes that they want to get out.
It takes time to do this .... but it is worth it, b/c you don't loose time correct them in public. Use the time before you start the event.

They now make child leash things where the childs part looks like and acts as a backpack. Maybe that could solve the "running away" problem in a crowd.

I found and still do (my son is 4) that it is all about keeping them engaged in conversation as we run errands. Play I spy, talk about who loves him, sing the alphabet, bring a small notebook and pencil so he can make his own "list", lollipop keeps them busy and quiet, a snack and a sippy make sitting in the cart more bearable, let him sanitize the cart handle with a lysol wipe, make up stories, anything....I know it will never be a quiet excursion but at least he is not screaming, thrashing or escaping! When he gets older, one suggestion for restaurants would be to play a game of UNO...think we have every version of Uno (Sesame Street, Nascar, Disney, Cars, )-it is a fast paced game and portable.

I don't have a quick answer for you, but I wanted to share with you a book I'm reading. Recommended by a girlfriend of mine who was dealing with her own son's trantrums, it's called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. The author talks about how we need to first and foremost discipline ourselves and model appropriate behavior before we can discipline our kids. Please don't think I'm suggesting you don't do this! Furthermore, she explains it's about focusing on what you want in terms of behavior (ie, Sit down on the chair), not what you don't want (ie, Stop standing on the chair). And finally, the author explains that discipline problems are teaching opportunities. To me this makes sense, as kids aren't born understanding appropriate social behavior. They need to be taught. How do you learn something? Well, by making mistakes -- A LOT of them! Of course, she advocates consequences once the lesson has been taught. But they come into play once you have taught and modeled appropriate behavior.

My munchkin is only 16 months, but I'm taking good notes to help me deal with her trantrums. They're inevitable!

Good luck to you. :)

I have a question, do you have the same rules at home as you expect him to follow in public? He may be testing your limits, be the parent! By leaving the situation you are teaching him that he is in charge. I don't know what you think about spanking, but my son (now 29 with his own kids) would recieve a couple of smacks on the butt after being told to behave one time. He learned quite quickly that mom/dad/ or grandparents were not playing around when they told him to behave. The smacks were not a "beating" but they let him know that we were in charge, not him. We provided a consequence for his bad behavior.

Hi W.,
My son is 5, but I remember a time where my husband & I always had to "divide and conquer" to get anything done if we all went out. O. would walk him around the restaurant while the other O. ate in peace and O. would entertain him when while the other O. did the grocery shopping etc. This is a tough age because they are so mobile yet don't really understand rules for public behavior and/or manners. Do whatever you need to do to make it work. I found that sometimes just doing the shopping, etc. by myself after my son was in bed was the best option. My son was never a runner/wanderer but I would tell him that if he wants to walk in a store that if he runs away and does not listen to you, he will be placed back into the cart--and stick to it! He'll get it.
It will get easier as he gets older and personally we wanted our son to get out and about and didn't want to keep him sheltered all of the time anyway so we took him everywhere with us. Now he's used to all kinds of different situations and it's no problem. Good luck and remember to pick your battles. Good luck!

I haven't had it quite that bad with any of my 5, but I can honestly say that when I do see children like that in public I would rather see a parent who sticks to their guns and does not give in and hear the child cry. I can understand the crying and screaming if I see the parents are standing firm on what the child should be doing. He is young, so you can't expect him to be too well behaved, lol, but this is the perfect opportunity for him to understand that no means no. For example, if he's in a stroller and you're going down the mall, strap him in and keep him there. If he wants out, tough. All he's going to do at 21 months is run off. That's what kids that age do, so set a routine for him. When you're out, he stays in his stroller or shopping cart strapped in and that's it. When you're in a restaurant, he stays in his high chair strapped in and that's it. Bring toys, drinks and snacks to keep him calm. If you feel you have to leave because it's beyond belief and the manager is coming out, then leave. Go to family restaurants and most other parents will understand. If you feel you need to go out a bit less for your own sanity, stay home a bit more. But do stick firm to your guns and set a regular routine on what is expected. Don't give in to him just to calm or quiet him. Most people would rather see a parent sticking to their guns with a screaming child then the other extreme of giving in and the child still screams.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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