Potty Training--HELP I'm Out of Ideas!

Lots of people have already said what I say: stop pushing the potty- take a break! My son was not 100% trained until he was 4.5 years old. We started when he was 2. Sometimes he was totally into it, and other times he was totally determined NOT to do it. So we finally backed off (I have to tell you, we probably did everything everyone told us to do AND everything everyone told us not to do!) and one day he just started going. I bet this news isn't a huge comfort to you, because it certainly wasn't to me...but what did help me through the frustration was knowing that he would eventually have to use the potty. It's like the pacifier, the bottle, sleeping in his own bed, etc. He'll get to it eventually, and you have to calmly (and nonchalantly) wait for him to get it straight in his head.

No ideas for the poop, but if you son like bubbles, you may try letting him stand up to pee and show him the bubbles it makes. My son hated to go pee in potty until he saw that it made bubbles if he stood up to pee. He only wanted to go in the potty after that and he never said I have to go pee but he said I have to go make bubbles. I always knew what he meant and boy did it work. Going poop in the potty was never a problem with him so I don't have any ideas for that. I'm sorry but I do hope the bubbles help.

We used Dum Dum suckers. You can get a huge bag for really inexpensive and they are small enough that 3 or 4 a day for a little while won't hurt anyone. When our kids would go in the potty we would give them one. We would keep a cup full in the bathroom they could see, but not reach. I would also take a handfull with me when we went somewhere.

Good luck to you!!!

You will find what works, just stick with it! :)

I am almost done training my 2 1/2 year old son. We used gummy bears because he loved those but now it's ice cream (small amount of course :) ) or m&m's. I found that getting the right treat as a motivator worked for him. I am not a big fan of saying a kid has to be ready because in the old days they had kids trained at age 1. Being potty trained is in the definition you want to use. For me its that he goes poop and pee in the potty, as he gets older and does more on his own that will be great but I don't have the expectation until that happens. So when we started training things were going really well until I got caught in the battle of wills. I told my husband that we had to stop asking and just remind him in the morning where the potty was and to ask if he needed help. It was like resetting the whole situation and for us it worked. He just now is pooping in the potty which he wasn't before and he gets a SUPER DUPER TREAT which is ice cream and yes even for breakfast he gets it. Potty training is a behavior management, its all about teaching and motivating and being positive even when deep down you are frustrated, just lower expectations to lower your frustration and tackle one issue at a time to get him where you want him to be. Oh and use what ever special treat it takes. I like food for treats because one m&m can be worth a million toys and you can do it immediately. Start by allowing him feel success, what I mean by that give him a special reward for peeing in potty and maybe one for trying to poop on potty and when that is mastered tell him he gets the treat when he actually goes. Also if he has a friend who uses the potty maybe he can see his friend go. That also worked, my son who I never trained to stand and pee, now does. I hope this helps hang in there and keep trying. He will do it and I don't believe you will have to keep doing it until age 5.

Hi R.,

I know it seems frustrating. But he will eventually start using the potty, and it seems that in general, boys get to this "rite of passage" later than girls.
Really, the only thing left to do right now is to stop pushing the issue. He's not ready. He has to LEARN how to use the potty, not be TRAINED to use the potty. Here is a couple of questions:
How is his not going potty right now a problem for you?
If this were no longer a problem for you, how much less stress would this cause? ;) and what would you do differently?

Hang in there and go with the flow. Follow your sons lead on this one, and once he's really ready things will be much easier for everyone.

In peace,
A.
mom of 4
www.birthingfromwithin.com

I'm going to keep this short: I agree with those who are saying this battle of wills will lead nowhere and you need to step back. But here's another interesting approach for you to consider. It will require dedicated time and expected accidents. But you know your child and if you think this might work, it's worth a shot:
www.3DayPottyTraining.com

Good luck!

Sounds like he's just not ready.But to encourage him to try and learn the feeling of peeing. Make it more of a game.Like putting fruit loops in the toilet and have him try to pee on a color. Also my boys liked to pee in a coffee can because it made a cool noise.Good luck and be patient. They grow so fast!
Grandma B

My nephew was four and REFUSED to use the potty. My sister told him that the family wanted to visit Disneyland and that they couldn't wait until he was a "big kid" because she would only take big kids. Then they showed Disney movies, how much fun a vacation would be etc. They never mentioned anything about him specifically or about using the potty. Every time my sister changed his diaper she would say things like "you are such a sweet baby boy" or something vague like it. It took about 2 weeks for him to decide that diapers were for babies and he wasn't a baby. He started using the potty and every time he did she would say something about him getting to be a big boy. Finally when he was consistently potty trained no accidents, she declared him an official "Big kid". They had a ceremony where she and her husband presented him with a certificate she had made and they started making plans for Disneyland. Now you don't have to go to Disneyland but it needs to be a goal big enough to motivate him and do so in such a way that HE is in control.

Good luck

I did the 3 day method with Lora Jensen's ebook at www.3daypottytraining.com with my daughter when she was 25 months. It's a year later now and it's the best thing I ever did!

I think most moms have been through this.

Take a break. There is too much pressure on kids to do this when we've TRAINED them to poop/peep in their diapers.

You both sound worn out.

Give it a month - 6 weeks off and try again.

He clearly isn't ready to be potty trained. The more you push the more they push away. Don't punish him for peeing/pooping in his pants. That's one of the worst things you can do, until they are potty trained and know better. Some kids are almost 4yrs or older, especially boys. I would wait a while until you try to potty train again. Take it from someone who has a 4yr old boy that is finally 90% daytime potty trained, still has an occasional poop accident and still has to wear diapers to bed. Trust me you don't want to push potty training on him if he simply isn't ready. Trust me I tried bribing, sticker charts, and everything you can imagine he just wouldn't go in the toliet unless he wanted to.

Hi,

I am really sorry to hear that your pre-school isn't progressive enough that they have to put pressure on you and your son for him to be potty trained.
The bottom line here, no matter the number of treats, candy, rewards, punishments you hand out....your son just isn't ready!! The more you push the worse it will become.

I have two boys (9 and 5), both were potty trained right around their 5th b-day. For the most part, they were both so ready, they potty trained themselves! The hardest thing was realizing that it wasn't about me and my schedule or comfort level! It was about my boys and their comfort level!

I don't know why this society is so desperate to push potty training on babies.
Good luck!

Hi R. - My now 29 year old daughter was in the same boat, almost... by the time she turned 3, she was staying dry, but would never poop in the potty. We tried everything on your list, had a basket of wrapped goodies on top of the fridge that she could choose from every time she poopooed in the potty... on her 3rd birthday we were getting desperate & we promised her a new bicycle if she would just do it. She was in pre-school, and she managed to hide this from her teachers and co-students, due to her ability to go peepee in the potty. We started to realize that she never went in her pants in public, never at pre-school - only at home. We caught her finding a private corner to do her thing, so we knew that she had control. About 3 months after her 3rd birthday, we seemed to be on a schedule of sorts, and she only pooped when at home and it was easy to clean up and change. We figured time would win - how many college students prefer to go in their pants?

We had one of the grammas visiting - firstborn was 3 years and 3 months old. She suddenly started pooping in the potty and never went back to her poopy pants. We think that she was no longer comfortable doing it with a "relative stranger" and so she made up her mind that she had to do it "our way". The gifts on the fridge had long lost their luster, I can't remember if she enjoyed them or what we did with them. But we still laugh that after gramma lola left, firstborn asked us if that bike offer was still good? She got a bike.

I agree with Adrienne. When a child is ready, they are ready whether it is at 2 or at 4. I have 5 kids and none of them potty trained the same. I use to have a day care in my home and had one boy who was almost 5 before he was potty trained. We fought with him for over a year without any luck. Finally we just ignored it and went back to treating like a baby. No more asking him if he needed to go. We put him back in a diaper and had him take naps more. Soon he decided he didn't like diapers and just started going on his own. The more we had pushed, the more he had pushed back. When we stopped pushing, we all relaxed more and he started going on his own. Good luck.

Hi R.,
Not knowing you or your family, it appears from your description that your 3 year old is making some of the choices in your house instead of the parents.

Rewards don't work without parental direction. My first son is very resistant to anything new. At 2 yrs 9 months, he needed lots of direction and guidance from his parents in potty training, not rewards. He did awesome with this, because the second he, "got it." (potty training skills), that was all the reward he needed. He also was not 100% potty trained for 2 months, so we had to accept accidents as they came, and not give up.

Our 2 yr 1 mo old is almost 100% trained for daytime because he's easygoing with anything new, but we still have to direct his pottying every day (and night). *We* decide when and where and how he uses the potty, and give him guidance in our expectations for him.

Yeah, there are plenty of Moms out there who will just tell you he's not ready. I don't know if it's a cop-out, or busy Moms running on emotions or stress.

You need to see you ARE doing a good job and the right thing for your child, and to keep it up, and it *will* work out.

Good luck!
t

R.,

Don't stress out about this so much. He clearly isn't ready yet, and I would say that pushing it probably isn't helping. Maybe if you back off for a couple months and then address it again, he will be ready then. It will all happen in time.

You're under some pressure to get this done because of pre-school and I can understand that, but it seems like that pressure might be spilling over onto your son and that's never a good way to potty train. Good heavens, an HOUR on the toilet? It sounds like this has turned into a battle of wills...and in the world of potty training, you'll lose every time.

So take a step back and try to make this fun again. If he's not ready, he's not ready. You HAVE to be okay with that and he has to KNOW that you're okay with that.

The following is my response to a similar question posted here: http://www.mamasource.com/request/12962936733229449217

Try not to sweat things too much. I managed to potty-train both of my kids without a single book or chart or anything else. Not that those things don't help, but I'm the type of person that tends to overload myself with information. Which is fine in most things, but potty training is NOT one of them. Honestly, I'm the most laid-back person you will ever meet and I think that approach worked well for my kids when it came to training.

As far as specific advice, I would say three words: BRIBE, BRIBE, BRIBE!!! Whenever my kids would manage to go on the toilet, we'd grab them up (after wiping, of course) and dance around the house with them singing "Pee-pee on the pot-ty!" or "Poo-poo on the pot-ty!" (to the tune of a conga line) like they had just won the jackpot on a gameshow. Then we'd give them an Oreo or some other indulgance while bragging loudly to each other about what a big boy/girl they were. The first few times, we even had them call the grandparents to share the good news. Basically, we took "positive reinforcement" to the extreme.

We did this pretty consistently for a few weeks, then started to taper off when the kids got better at taking the initiative and going on their own. And they were so proud of themselves, they didn't even notice the lack of bribe.

Another tip for when your daughter goes poop in her diapers is to have her go into the bathroom afterwards and (carefully) remove her diaper. Then have her watch while you dump the poop into the toilet, telling her that's where it "belongs." And let her flush after, kids love that. It worked well for me, anyway, and after a while they caught on.

And I know it's a little weird, but having your daughter watch while you go once in a while is a fantastic training tool. And if you have a boy, your hubby can help with him when the time comes.

But really, like most of the ladies have told you, one day it will simply click for your daughter. And any agonizing you do now over how old she is and whether or not you're doing it right will count for exactly SQUAT at the end of the day. So give it time and give yourself a break, huh? You deserve it.

Good luck!

There is a book at the Phoenix Public Library entitled Potty Training in Less Than a Day. It is written by a scientist who developed a method originally for developmentally challenged children and adults but his method has worked with toddlers also. It starts by teaching the difference between wet and dry and makes the overall goal to stay dry. That makes going to the potty how you stay dry. I used it with my 2 year old and it worked really well. You can read the book in about 1-2 days depending on how much time you have to do it. It is a little dry reading, but it is logical. Then if you follow the plan and dedicate yourself for one whole day, your child might get it. It may take a little longer, but it is worth a try. God bless your family.

Hi R.,

Sounds like your having a rough time. My oldest was afraid that he was going to be "Flushed Away" like in the movie when he sat on the potty seats as they would wiggle and he felt very unstable. We had no success with number 2 until we bought the Potty Pal. It is a toilet seat that has a built in kids seat. You can google it. I think we bought ours at Target.com. It costs $25 per seat and we put one one upstairs and downstairs in our house. He felt more secure and went as soon as it came. We also used candy as a reward - one piece for peeing and 2 pieces for pooping. Good luck!

R.,
When my son would go pee on the potty we would give him 2 mini m&m's he thought they were really cool. we also got those little dum dum suckers and would give him one of those every time he pooped on the potty (which took a lot longer than going pee) for some reason these worked for him. he doesn't get treats like that often so it was something he looked forward to. he is fully potty trained now (he is 3.2 years) and every once in a while asks for a sucker when he goes #2 :) i still give it to him since it's not often that he remembers to ask :) also when he first started going pee "on the potty" i would let him pee outside (i know it sounds funny but it was something different and he wanted to do it!) and so when he felt like he had to go it made him think about going outside so he was into it. the potty can be scary so just try to make it fun for him ;) good luck!