My mother lives in an apartment that my two brothers own. When they moved into this apartment they never asked my ssiter and I if we could pay for the rental and now they have been harrassing me to pay them $400 a month. I have explained to them that I can't afford it and they seem to think that I owe it to them. They have given me to the end fo this month to figure out her housing situation because they are asking her to move out. She receives social security but not enought to pay for her own apartment. Since I have not paid them a dime they have made a rule that if I want my kids to visit their grandma unsupervised by me that I have to ask their permission first. I am really stressed out about this situation and don't know what to do. I wish I could afford to rent a bigger place so she could move in with me but right now we barely have enough space.
I'm sorry to hear that your brothers are being very immature. I would inform them that they need to figure out a way to help your mother and unfortunately at this time you are unable to help them, bottom line. Don't put yourself in a position where you know you can't afford it.
Judy, As our family is in a simular situation I wanted to add my 2 cents worth of information. Since you do not say why your brothers were put in the role of responsibility I will assume that at the time they felt it was needed to move her from where ever she was and that your father had not provided for her. I do know that my brothers were able to help with money and I took care of the doctor visits and all else & my sister has surely done her part as well. But there is a reality that says times have changed maybe thier finances are changed, thier own families have needs that must be met, or thier spouces are just fed up with the sacrifices they must make.
You do not say how old your mother is and if she is still able to work. There are many options that are out there. If she needs care then her doctor can contact a Social Worker and see about IHSS help, there are special low income housing for seniors the one here in Castro Valley has lovely apartments but has a 5 year wait. Section 8 is getting harder to find but you can check with the Housing Authority of your area. You can also check into the cost of renting by the month a room at a local Motel until you get this all figured out.
Are you using your mother as a babysitter and that is what they are concerned about ? then pay a sitter and solve that problem! Visit your mother as a family and let her be the Grandmother only not the care provider.. Your statement about "wish we could rent a bigger place but there isn't room here" is a bit confusing. If you find a place that is bigger then that would be a solution, what sacrifices are you willing to make to do that?. As none of our family uses our mother as a babysitter and never have done so without paying her it was easier on all of us. It really sounds as if your brothers were trying to help her and have just burned out of the situation and the expense. We have our mother in a apt. about 2 hours away as it was better priced and has a IHSS caregiver that checks on her 2 times a week and then I do it the rest of the time and my brothers cover what expenses that they can as long as its not unreasonable. The burden of care should never be on any one set of people or yes they do get to make the rules and set the standards. Good Luck
Wow, they sounds like controlling bullies, no i wouldn't pay them any money they didn't bring you in on this decision so they can hardly expect you to pay 400 a month. If they knew that was the case they should have asked you before they moved her in. How does your sister feel about this is she paying them the money, if so why is she living in an apartmentthat cost 1600 a month surely out of 4 kids someone has room for her, or you could find somewhere cheaper. I would explain that you don't have any extra money and you would have told them this if they had asked you to begine with. That if you ever get any spare you would be glad to help but can't do so right now.
Sorry you and your mother are going through this its, it must be very stressful on you both.
That's very very sad. Sounds liek they can afford it but won't. What does your sister say about this?
Hi Judy-
This is an odd and very sad situation to say in the least. When my grandmother had to go into some kind of assisted living, my father and his two brothers got together and chose a place that was within all of their budgets. Each brother paid 1/3 of her costs, and the living that my grandfather had set up for her before he died paid all the extra expenses. I truly believe that that is how it should be.
Before my grandmother moved into a facility, though, she lived with my family from when I was 4 until I graduated highschool and was into the junior college. My parents decided that since my dad's two other brothers did not want her staying with them, that since she was capable, needed to find an apartment. They found one in her price range that would still allow her to keep her car, buy groceries, etc. However, we had to go with her alot of times to make sure she didn't overspend, etc. It was very h*** o* my parents that my grandmothers 2 other sons thought sending a check once a year was enough after caring for her for so long. She had so many health issues, both physically and mentally.
In your situation, I would see if you could bring her into your home. It's alot of work, but it may be worth it. She can contribute maybe $100-$200 to groceries and utilities and be with her family all day. If your brothers made the decision to help her under the assumption that you had the spare cash, that is a huge faux pas on their part. However, to demand you pay them and limit your contact is petty, and they should not be allowed to treat you, your sister, or your mother that way. As far as kicking their own mum out..well, I have a number of thoughts on that one....
If you or your sister can, I say take in your mother. It's a tight squeeze, but at the end of life, elders should be with the family that loves them. It will strain you, of course, but not enough to where it's not worth it. I know you don't have any extra room....we didn't either. But the few extra hundred that my grandmother contributed allowed for a little more stretching in the living situation. Plus, your kids can learn some valuable stuff and spend some quality time with your mom around. I hope that helps. Ask your mom if she would be willing to use a portion of her earnings to help you rent a larger space where she can have her own room, especially if she is going to be around for a while. If so, then make preparations to move. OR, ask your sister if she has a spare room or would be willing to do the same.
All in all, don't spite your brothers, but do let them know what you are doing when the decision has been made and if they would like to contribute, they can, but it is not necessary. Be the bigger person. =) I also saw a great suggestion below about assistance for elders who are on limited incomes. I know that in my town, they built new low income housing that is severely nicer than my home. I wish I could move in!!! I also know that the state offers a once in a lifetime use, emergency housing assistance. They place you in a home immediately (usually an apartment), something in your price range, and then like low income housing, charge you a percentage for your rent based on your income. Your mother should qualify.
I really hope that helps. Good luck, and take a deep breath. It will all work itself out. Your brothers can't force you to pay as you never agreed to it. Don't sign anything with them, and don't verbally let them force you into agreeing to pay. While their income may be limited, yours is as well. Next time they should talk to EVERYONE concerned before making a decision about your mom and let them know you are happy to discuss options. Life is like that, and you want to help but are limited with your own resources as well.
-E. M
I don't know who your brothers think they are, but they really aren't anyone. I would simply ignore them. Do you really believe they will kick your mother out into the street? As far as I'm concerned, if there was no agreement that you would pay her rent, they you owe them nothing and they are just greedy jerks. And they have no say over who visits your mother, whether she lives in a building owned by them or not. They do not have the authority to say who can or cannot visit your mother or any other tenant or that her visitors, or any other tenant's visitors, have to be supervised by anyone.
It's sounds as if your brothers brought your mother into their house to help make their mortgage payment. I think that you need to explore some welfare/public assistance options. There is SSI (supplemental income for social security recipients) and there is section 8 housing. Perhaps look up information for low income seniors and see if someone can direct you to getting financial assistance for your mother. Good-luck.
