Parenting Crossroads with Grandparents

I'm a grandparent who has a child friendly house. I'm with you about allowing a toddler/preschooler explore. I also have a friend who was very much into allowing her daughter to explore, touch, pick up things. Her parents were very liberal when it came to allowing their daughter to do nearly every thing. IF she didn't want to get dressed she didn't have to get dressed. That sort of thing. However, they did teach her to not touch things in other people's homes. I went to dinner at an older couples home with them and was surprised to see this 2 yo girl who was active everywhere I'd been with her play with the toys her parents brought and asked before she touched anything.

I suggest that you can teach her to not touch things at Nana's house in 2-3 visits. At 22 months she's capable of understanding the words, "we don't touch/pick up things at Nana's house." Talk about it with her before several times before going to Nana's house. While you're there, remind her. During this first visit prepare to spend your entire time with your daughter reminding her to not touch. Try to do this before she actually touches. When she does begin to play with something, stop her and have her sit down with you for a couple of minutes while you remind her that she is to play with her toys and not Nana's.

My friend walked around the living room with her daughter, holding her hand, so that they could look at all the interesting things. Then the daughter sat down on the floor in the living room while the adults sat and talked.

Be sure to bring several different toys for her to play with. It would help if Nana had a box/basket of toys that she can play with only at Nana's house. If she doesn't have toys, perhaps you could leave the toys you bring so that your daughter has toys that are special because she can only play with them at Nana's.

Teaching her to not touching/playing with things at someone else's house is something that YOU will greatly appreciate as she gets older. Knowing to do this is an important skill for your daughter to learn. It is not too early to teach your child about boundaries. It's one step in learning that everyone has boundaries and everyone's boundaries are different. I suggest finding ways of respecting other people's boundaries is important for you, also. Avoiding going anywhere because adults expect children to respect their boundaries is very restrictive. Wouldn't you like to have a child who knows how to behave no matter where they are? If you wait until she's older you will have a more difficult time teaching her.

I agree that you've made a reasonable request but the answer was no. You cannot change your parents. But you can respect them by teaching your daughter to leave their things alone. Teaching her is also a reasonable request. You can still allow her more freedom at home and in places that are child safe. You are broadening her world and teaching her an important concept and skill that she'll eventually need to learn anyway.

I was totally with you until you said that you don't go anyplace your child isn't welcome. To me, that sends up red flags that you're losing a little perspective on what kind of decorum is expected in a "child free" space. Perhaps your mom feels that your child is a little out of control and this is her way of suggesting you reign her in more.

You sound like you're very comfortable with your parenting choices, which is great, but you need to recognize that not everyone is going to like those choices, and that's equally okay.

As for dealing with it, I think that you can do as other posters have suggested and have them to your house. Or you can ask your mom if she's comfortable with you moving the things out of your daughter's way when you come over. Explain that doing so makes your visit more relaxed and fun, rather than make it something that your folks aren't doing. Take 5 minutes and do a sweep, and then put the things back right before you leave. But it is their house, and they're more than entitled to leave it not kid-friendly.

Good luck.

It may seem like a big headache right now to teach your child what is OK to play with, and what is not. But as Marda so nicely pointed out, it helps tremendously as your child grows older.

Your darling little child needs you to teach her that not everything is 'childproof' and that not everything is hers to touch. She needs to be taught boundaries.

I never babyproofed my own house from valuables...in my case I have some very expensive books on an extensive bookshelf. The kids have tried to touch things, but after a few 'no's and go play with your own books, they have no interest whatsoever in my bookshelves. They know their boundaries. It's a win-win, since they know the rules and I didn't have to re-arrange my house for the little people who will be living with me for 18 years. GL!

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We have always gone to Adult parties without the children. Sometimes its real nice to get away without the worry of children. It doesnt mean she is not welcome, its just not a kids friendly party or event. Not welcome is you and your husband can come to the cookout but leave your kid at home. That is not welcome.
I would want things picked up that she could get hurt with, such as the needle things, pens , scissors stuff like that. She does need to be told no to certain things. Hey if she brakes a few things.......oh well. Just clean it up. She is still so young. Make sure you bring her own things with you. You should have visiting toys. Toys you only take out when your at someones home. That way she wont get board with them. If you end up fussing to much to keep your daughter safe. Cut your visits short. She has to come first. I might go every other week from now on or have them visit you at your child safe home.

My mom has a beautiful home and certain rooms are off limits (dining room, living room and her bedroom)because of expensive things and fragile items. Kids can roam freely in the kitchen, family room and finished basement (which is like chuck e cheese LOL). She keeps lots of kids stuff in a toy chest in the basement and spare bedroom for them to play with and they don't find the need to wander throughout the house touching everything, if they do they are told "no"...plain and simple. Kids need to learn boundaries---especially kids these days lol! My MIL has an average household yet yells "no" or "don't touch!" for every little thing. She doesn't make an effort to give the kids a little space to play in, therefore I chose to visit on nice weather days so the kids can hang out in the yard and play freely. When she was on vacation and I had to "check on" the house, I taught the kids what is "off limits" for children in other houses and their own. I have always been compliments on my kid's behavior and manners--in homes and in restaurants. I never expected anyone to "re-organize" their homes for my kids--it's my responsibility to teach them proper manners and respect for the belongings of others.

Is it possible for your parents to come to your house instead? You can tell them why when they ask.

On one hand, there is a serious safety issue if we're talking about potentially contaminated needles. On the other hand, I am what you would call an anti-babyprooofer. Basically from birth, I've taught my daughter that some things are "not hers". I don't lock cabinets or toilets or put too many things up--only those that are sentimental or expensive.

You can put some things away and they will find something else...I think you will still be fussing at her. That is what we do with 2 year olds...there is very little time when you don't have to watch them like a hawk.

You already know that you don't have the same parenting style...you can't really be surprised by this. Few of us parent the same as our parents. I don't live close to my family, so I don't have to deal with it every day, but I manage to just let it go when we are with them.

You can also take a laundry basket and make a sweep of the house when you get there...pick it all up and put it back just before you leave. In the end, it is your responsbility to keep your child safe...grandparents or not.

there is nothing wrong with deciding at this time that you prefer family events vs adults only. kids are only babies for so long.

anyway, first part, yes, at 22 months your daughter can start to be taught not to pick up things at peoples houses. HOWEVER, there is a difference between teaching a child not to pick up the 3 things at your childless friends house, and the hundreds of things at grandmas house. imagine bringing a baby to MACYS in the glass and china department and telling them not to touch. i think your main issue is that your parents in particular, have a lot of clutter and knicknacks laying around. no matter what, things like scissors, pens, and eyeglasses will be touch even more than other because they are things a child sees daily. in their mind, touching scissors is not anything "special" since they see mommy and daddy use them at home so these things will be picked up without much thought. there is no reason for anything that could be seen as dangerous around.

as for shiny knicknacks, thats a tough one. if your mom only had one or two things, you could teach your daughter, but if she has lots of "fancy" things catching your daughters eye, it will be overstimulating to her and she will forget to not touch them. you cant bring a baby in a room and say "dont touch any of the 100 pretty things". its unreasonable, esp at grandmas house where she does feel more secure and at home to explore than if she were at a strangers home.

you have 2 choices. immediately upon arriving at your moms, hand your daughter over for kisses, and shut all doors except for in the rooms you will be in, and raise all breakable items. if anything is said, simply say "i wouldnt want that broken on you since i know how much it means to you" and continue. every single time you arrive, do the same thing. if this doesnt appeal to you, or if someone pushes you even once, simply say "i dont want to do this either, from now on, we can have family dinner at our house. it will be so much easier for me. i really enjoy the visit but it would just be better for us to have you come to our house". and thats is.

although we might like to think grandma would bend more for the baby, you cant exactly get mad at her for not wanting to change. they probaly are just getting old, or really like the way their house looks. also, they probaly dont realize the dangers with items, and get in the mindset of "well you and your sister survived". they also may simply not like that you have taken a different parenting approach than they did and try to push their ideas on you with little resistances like this.

good luck. if they really disagree with your parenting, this is probaly only the beginning!!!

Instead of taking everything away that is heavy or breakable for her to explore, put little toys, puzzles and activities around to keep her occupied. She is old enough to learn the "no touching" rules at this point.

At my inlaws house, they have tons of knick knacks, and lots of breakable things, like glass tables that could fall over easily if bumped with lamps/plants/figurines on them... I would just move them myself when my child reached for it and told him not to touch things that are not toys, then replaced it when he got distracted with something else.

Scissors, glasses, medicine bottles or anything like that... I would just pick them up and place them high on a counter once you arrive, and replace them when you leave, no need to ask permission from your mom. After all, you are the parent responsible for monitoring your child's surroundings.

Oh yes, the differences of parenting in the generations. I, too, came from the camp that if it was on the table you didn't touch it. My children learned from an early age not to touch things on the table. There were a few exceptions and those things were their toys that could be put on the coffee table to play with. I had friends that had kids younger than mine that came to visit and there was a toy basket for them on the bottom of the bookshelf full of things to play with and they never messed with the other things. Before they left they had to put everything back in the basket for the next visit.

A friend in a circle that had nice things and there was one kid that touched everything and broke several items and was a "brat". No one wanted her parents or her to come to their homes. Yes a 2 year old is young but they can learn not to touch. Making sure the diabetic needles and scissors are up is another thing but the rest should be respected.

As far as not going to all adult parties because the child can't attend, there are times when the hosting adults don't want kids around even their own to parties. Some times it is just nice to socialize with big people and not little people underfoot and in the way. You must remember that you were an adult and an individual before you were a mom and sometimes you just need to be an individual.

If you haven't gotten the message through to your mom by now about your parenting styles and boundaries you are not and if feel you have to chase after your daughter than you may have to change visit locations less or have her come to your home to relieve the stress.

Good luck to you. The other S.

PS Not everyone is going to be willing to move their things for someone's child and that means you will have to make a choice as to visit or not.

My mom has lots of breakable items in her home. She will not re-decorate or child proof her home as she feels that she has raised her children (five) and never got to have nice things during those years and now its her time to have whatever she wants out. I completely respect this and just have to make sure my child leaves things alone.

Okay, after reading some of the other responses I had to chime in because I'm in a similar situation. The issue is not that we're not willing to teach our kids to respect other rules and other people's things, the issue is that it is completely not fun to visit grandparents in this situation.

My parents won't babyproof either. I feel like I spend my entire visit making sure none of us get into trouble! It's really frustrating because we live 6 hours away and I make this long drive so my kids and see their grandparents and the whole time I just can't wait to come back home.

When I look back to my grandparents, I remember having a dedicated playroom at their house for grandkids and always feeling so loved and welcomed and encouraged to be a kid. I guess I expected my parents to be that kind of grandparent when in reality they are just very different. Don't touch this, don't touch that, sit down and eat all of the food on your plate, etc. They love my kids and my kids have fun with them, they play, they go to the park, they play with the dog together, so I'm thankful for that - it's just different than what I expected... my grandma would have slipped me ice cream instead of making me eat salmon! Ha!

I usually leave disappointed and frustrated. I just want to spend time with my parents and my kids. I still haven't found a solution. When I get really frustrated by it I just try to be thankful that they love my kids and I try to remember that my kids don't have my same frame of reference, so they aren't leaving disappointed.

I guess the only other thing we can do is remember what this feels like when we're grandparents, right? I'd like to set up a nursery and make sure the house is as kid friendly as can be for my grandkids!