Parent Involvement Issue---Please HELP!

Acceptance around his conditon is a priority. Half jokingly, I thought all men suffered from chronic fatigue....when it came to child care....doesn't mean they don't love them, it's just different. Anyway, that's my opionion but not my advise!

My advise: Instead of asking him if he would like to join you...how about you ask, "what would you feel comfortable doing that we could enjoy as a family?" This will open the doors, and let him make the decisions and be more in control. Be prepared to support his request. Maybe it's watching a moving all together, going for a drive, playing make believe where he just lays on the couch and plays a sick animal! I've done the sick animal bit, and the kids LOVE IT! Be open....but give him some responsibility and control.

S.

Your husband needs to see his physician and take better care of his health. Not only does he not deserve to live with pain and fatigue every day, but you and your kids don't deserve that he acts it out on you in this way.
If he has a chronic pain condition he needs to speak to his doctor about better pain management. If his pain and fatigue are due to depression, it needs to be addressed as well.
Especially in dealing with fatigue, being inactive is a downward spiral. The less active he is, the more fatigued he will become. Depending on his pain issues he may need some physical therapy to break the circle and be active in a way that does not contribute to his pain.
I would also suggest asking him to make an appointment with his physician and you, so you both can talk to his doctor about what limitations he may have and which activities would be better for him. You can then work together (maybe with the help of a counselor) to come with a plan that gets all of you active in a way that he can participate.
Good luck.

I understand your frustration. I have fibromyalgia and it takes so much out of me. I am guessing your husband is responding to you out of frustration. I imagine he feels terrible that he doesn't have the energy or is hurting so badly he can't do things with his family, I do at times. My biggest problem is that I will then push myself and pay severely for several days or a week :(

As far as explaining to the kids that Daddy is too tired or hurting too much and can't come and play, say exactly that. His chronic fatigue and pain will likely be a lifelong condition, mine is, so they need to be aware of it from an early age. Tell them it doesn't mean he doesn't love them, he wants to be with them but his body won't allow him to. It will hopefully make them more compassionate human beings.

Having chronic pain I commend you, I know you have a full plate. Wait until there's nothing planned and ask your husband if there's anything you can do to help him, without putting any pressure on him. If he's in physical therapy or counseling or support groups encourage him to go, and consider going for support yourself. I have a friend who has fibro as do 5 of her children (the 6th is adopted.) She hurts terribly as do her children, but she is a happy camper, she truly inspires me. I guess we just have to stay positive and cheerful, even through the rough times.

BTW, my soon-to-be ex-husband has always said I was lazy, and even after I was diagnosed said i could just "shake it off." He went so far as to throw me out of the house 7 years ago because I " didn't help him" by going back to work, I couldn't! I'm not the type to wish anything bad on anyone, but I think if he could live in my body a couple of days he'd regret everything he ever said to me. So I know how important love and encouragement are.

Just continue to love him and be there for him as I hope he is for you.
Hang in there and God bless♥

You really aren't clear on what your husbands condition is, or what he's doing to treat it. Does he have a medical condition, or is he depressed? Depression can cause pain and fatigue, and a lack of will to do anything, but you don't really say what it is.

My husband is disabled. We just do things he can do, and if it's something he can't, I take the girls and we happily tell him about it later. Fortunately, there's still a lot he can do...but not everything. I am just thankful for every moment we have together, and I enjoy my "girl time" with my girls. I thank God every day that I have a wonderful husband. That helps.

I know how you feel, and I guess I can't offer any better advice than to pray that God gives you the peace and happiness to live your life the way he created it for you. It's all in His control. :)

You know, your kids will think their childhoods are normal, fun and full, unless you point out to them, or to your husband in front of them, what they are missing. So just do your best, and assume your husband is probably doing his best, too. There's no way to gauge how much pain or physical distress another person is experiencing, so don't make the mistake of comparing his to yours.

If you are "always" making suggestions to your husband, he is probably feeling nagged or hounded. I think I'd just make plans that don't include him, and give him time to come to terms with how much he is willing and able to offer. Maybe being loving, sweet, and funny is it, and that's really quite a lot more than many families get from Daddy. See if you can appreciate him for those amazing gifts. If you stop suggesting, he won't have anything to throw up defenses against, and he will probably stop getting mad.

aww sweety make a Dr appt for the both of you and tell the Dr whats going on. You need him in your corner to help both of you. There are times you just need to take charge and show him how much you care. He might not like it, but he cant get much more miserable than he is. Hang in there,,

Depending on what type of chronic pain he has, he really needs to be seen by an appropriate specialist that can help him manage his pain. You also should remember that chronic pain sufferers are highly likely to also suffer from chronic depression. High levels of sustained pain is emotionally draining and exhausting and legitimate cause for depression, so that should be addressed too.

I have Fibromyalgia and several related disorders/issues that have kept me from participating in family events and as it happens, I'm being treated for clinical depression, anxiety, and OCD. Thank goodness for specialists who know what they're doing.

EDIT: For those who have never dealt with having chronic pain, it's nothing to do with making yourself function enough to participate in certain activities. It's just... it's not. When it's a disease like Fibromyalgia or chronic back pain, yes, sometimes you can plod through it but there are days where there's literally nothing you can do. You can't move. Your insides from the bones on out ache and hurt as if you fell off a cliff. Even your digestive system revolts against you. You're prone to headaches. If your back isn't in pain, your shoulders and your legs and neck are. Your stomach might be twisting in terrible knots.

But you know, we deal with it for so long day after day and year after year that we don't complain about it. We build up such a high pain tolerance that typical people would scream in agony if they spent just one day in our shoes. It's why my pain tolerance during labor was so high. But that pain, constant, near constant, isn't something you just "get over" because you love your kids more than you hate the pain. Some days, the pain really is too much.

It's also important to remember that although you have chronic pain and can get through it, your pain isn't his pain. You don't know what he's enduring.

Has he had his thyroid checked? Lyme?

I agree with a lot of the other posters--a trip to the doctor, and then the appropriate specialist(s) is in order for him. And possibly additional therapy for depression.

Try to pick low-key activities, like doing puzzles or building a model together, or cheering the kids on while they play video games. Board games (and there are a ton out there that actually are good & fun, not like Monopoly or Chutes & Ladders---check out the forum The Boardgame Geek). At one of our local metro parks, they offer a tram ride through the park, so you can get outdoors and enjoy the beauty of nature w/o having to walk/hike. Go the museum, etc.--rent a wheelchair (don't surprise him with the wheelchair, as it may make him angry/resentful).

Get yourself some counseling or into a support group--ask at your local hospital or chaplains at the hospital. And schedule some time for you to go have fun. Schedule a date night for you & DH. He may not be up to doing much, but send the kids away and snuggle on the couch with a favorite movie. Order in takeout, etc. Schedule some time for you---to take a pottery class or a yoga class or go have lunch once a month with your girlfriends, etc. (hugs).

I would have a heart to heart with him - telling him things cannot continue this way - his family needs his participation. He needs to go to counseling and see about avenues of treatment. You should also remind him that YOU TOO have chronic pain yet you are still able to make yourself function for your family.

Therapy, together.

I'm pretty sure your husband does not want to be this way, but may feel powerless if he has chronic pain and/or depression.

BUT, he does have a responsibility to behave in a way that is respectful towards you and your children. Lashing out because you ask him to participate with the family is causing you to walk on eggshells. Not a good feeling, I'm sure! He has every right to feel frustrated and angry, but he does not have the right to hold the family "emotionally hostage" with his behavior.

Your part is holding him to a higher standard of treating you. Be your understanding self, but make sure you let him know you feel hurt by his response. Your children need to see you doing this if it is in front of the children or they will believe your husband's behavior is okay.

I do wonder what medication he might be taking for pain? This can lead to all sorts of changes in mood.

Hi, you sound like me :) very easy going. With your situation, when you start to get upset, think of your kids or what I think helps is involve your self back in the kids activity. You could always think about my situation, my husband doesn't do anything, complains, sleeps al day, makes promises to us as a family which are never met. It drives me crazy!! Sorry to hear you have the pain, hope you sort it out :)

It seems to me that you and your husband have gotten into a pattern - you try to involve him, he resents it, it ends badly.

I wonder if you could approach him very openly with a very tiny idea - that you and your kids would really like him to be involved in your lives and activities - somehow, big or small - and let him solve the problem of how he might be involved. Whatever he comes up with, no matter how small, do it with him and give him kudos for his participation.

I'm thinking that your picture of his involvement feels too big and hard to him, so if you let him control how it's going to happen, he might be more willing. If this works, maybe you can work out a timetable with him, saying you'd like some involvement once or twice a day, even if it's small.

It used to bother me that my husband never told me he loved me, but I finally realized he was telling me many times a day in ways other than words - for example, he would tousle my hair sometimes, and I finally figured out he was doing it when he felt loving towards me. I had to learn to count what he was offering and let go of my expectations and my rules of how it was supposed to be (in my mind).

If your husband's feeling tired and distracted by pain, I think giving him the control of coming up with his own ideas for his involvement might just get him more involved - and it might give him momentary distraction from his pain and fatigue. It's an idea anyway!

Good luck!

Maybe ask him to just go to the park and sit there, at least he will still BE with the family. I have a bad knee so there is a lot I can't do but I still go, just to be with everyone. Maybe start taking your camera and take a bunch of pics and put them all in an album. When he sees that he isn't in any of them he may start making more of an effort. good luck!

I get that he's hurting and it sounds like he may be depressed? It doens't sound like he's making any effort to try. I have complicated migraines ( i basically have a stroke like 3 times a month) and it KILLS me when my man and daughter go to the park without me or to breakfast even though I'm in SO much pain.. at the end of the day when I'm still not feeling well I drag myself out of bed and try to spend some time with them. You need to have a serious talk with him and drag his butt to a doctor.