Older Boy Getting "Close" to My Daughter

Neither. They need their friendship. Like you said, he probably doesn't even know what is going on himself. They should keep being friends, but they need supervision. Kids are going through puberty younger and younger all of the time. They probably like the closeness they have more then anything. You definitely need to have a talk with her and explain how things work though, you know the birds and the bees. Just tell them both, when something like that happens, that it's not proper for a young man and a young woman to sit like that together.

i would say it is not worth it to take chances .i feel he is to old to hang with her anyway..maybe just in suppervised situations..T.

Hello I have a 10yo son as well as 3 other children two of which are girls. I have been on both side of the fence with this one.
PLEASE, PLEASE do not hesitate to express your expectations to these children! This "cuddling" is the beginning stages of crush affection, it is perfectly normal and in most cases perfectly Ok. But without your conversation they will never know where the line should be drawn. He is showing his affection for her in the only way he knows how at the moment and if he just gets booted from her they both are going to end up feeling like they have done something wrong, and they haven't. That is really the last thing you want to teach here.

I would re-visit the mom and ask her how their conversation went. Let her know that you will also be setting expectations with the children in your home and make sure she is comfortable with that. If she is not than you may want to sever the friendship due to that fact. If a Mom isn't willing to "team up" in a moment a simple as this than she is probably not going to do anything about his actions at home, which will only lead to him figuring it all out on his own. That is a bad way to go for a boy.
IMO much has been said about boys "knowing" more than you think and this is true BUT just because they are starting to oogle boobies doesn't mean this child is looking at an 8yo girl this way. He has a natural feeling toward her through a friendship, set boundries, keep them supervised and teach your child. There is no better time to have much needed conversations than when you have a good reason to have them!
Good Luck, Teach Well and be willing to learn at the same time!
K.

do not leave them unsupervised. speaking as someone who was molested by a child who was a little older than me, i would make sure you have an OPEN and FRANK, as hard as that may be, discussion about touching and feelings and all that stuff. It may be hard to explaine that "bad touching" sometimes feels good and doesn't seem like a bad thing but it is. NO ONE is allowed to touch you ANYWHERE. period. not the arm, leg or privates. Bad touching can happen anywhere on the body. It is hard to try to seperate a nice friendly hug from something more but that is our job to keep watch and instruct them in the difference.

good luck

Hi Lily, I dont think you should sever the friendship. They both might resent that and it might backfire. If close but not "in your face" supervision is kept , everything should be ok. Or at least you will be aware of what is happening and can say-take seperate chairs, or that is too close. I wouldnt let her go over his house or a friends house that he might show up at. You dont know if the other parents are supervising. I am dreading these things. I have a 7 yr and an almost 3 yr. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
Take care,
K.

No... they should not hang out anymore. If they are together for any reason it should be under adult supervision. But this is the perfect time to discuss with your daughter what appropriate touch is and is not. Unfortuantely you do not know what this child does or doesn't know about sex. Or what exactly his mother told him or how firm she was. He should be with boys his age. In my experience he has an ulterior motive because rarely do boys that age find girls your daughters age friend material.

You are a good mother to be concerned and ask questions.

What you decide to do about the situtaion is ultimiatly your decision. That being said, I would think abou tit is this perspective... The boy is 10... It is becomming more and more common for girls to end up pregnant younger and younger.. SO while I DO NOT think that this is the situation that you are in I DO THINK that the 10 yar old boy knows more than you would relize. I took a few human sexuality courses and the best way to keep your kid on the right track is to continously be talking to them about sex and good touching bad ect... The talk should be an on going conversation... That matures in detail as the child matures in age... It is not a one time thing but this definitly looks like it is your oppurtunity to start talking to her.. Good luck! I do not dread your situation... I have 2 young girls! YIKES!!!!

Our children live in such a sex saturated society that while he is starting to go through puberty he has so much to explore at his fingertips. I had a friend who had a 12 year old boy experiment with her 8 year old. Very shocking as we knew everyone involved and never thought this would happen. If it was me I would say that he isnt allowed to your house anymore. He needs to be with kids his own age and develop and grow like other boys. He needs the companionship of other boys not little girls. Does your daughter have a solid male figure in her life who can give her plenty of appropriate physical affection? She needs that but not from a 10 year old boy.

I would watch them. It is new, but believe me, they know more then you think they do. Right now it's puppy love, which is a normal stage. Don't feel bad havin a non challant chat with them both when he comes over. It's your right.

It depends on the child, but at 10, boys are certainly old enough to understand sexual inclinations and acts. And your daughter is old enough to understand what type of physical contact is inappropriate. At her age, basically anything would make me uncomfortable. The boys actions may have been perfectly innocent, and you can always give him the benefit of the doubt on that, but it would be a good idea to start now letting your daughter know that she is not allowed to hang out with boys, even just as friends, unsupervised. Let her know this isn't punishment for something she did wrong, but imainge this situation when she is 13 and he is 15 . . . best to start laying the groundwork now.

I have a son who is almost 8...I literally can see his dimeanor change around a beutiful teenage girl with her cleavage hanging out. He is shy about it and won't admit to anything but everyone notices his interest. This boy who is a friend of your daughter is DEFINITELY old enought to have feelings for girls. I think that if you sever the friendship, you are brushing the whole situation under the rug. You need to have open discussions with her and this boy about appropriate contact. Make it CLEAR how you feel...don't leave any room for misinterpretation on either end.

i think you should let them hang with each other, but only in your supervision cause if you dont watch them, the worst can happen

Don't sever the friendship, but do supervise their time together. That doesn't mean that you have to be right in front of them every minute that they are together, but check on them, keep them within hearing.

I have three sons, and I'm an assistant scoutmaster with a boy scout troop. For 15 years I've been volunteering with boys from the ages of 6 to 18. I've heard a lot of conversations between the boys, I've seen my own sons go through this exciting period, as well. I think you probably have assessed the situation well. The boy is a little older and he is becoming more aware of girls, but he probably doesn't really know what to do with all of the new feelings. When you factor in the messages that bombard the kids about sex, it really is overload. Cutting the kids off from each other won't teach them what to do with all of this information and emotion. I think generally, we parents need to spend lots and lots of time talking to our kids about this very beginning awareness. And we have to tell them exactly what it feels like. "You know, when you first start liking boys/girls, it feels great to be noticed. If they touch you or kiss you, you get a really nice tingling feeling, and you really start wishing that you could touch more and be with the other person more." etc. etc. etc. Have the conversations in stages, and as often as it can be worked into a normal conversation. That is, if your daughter talks about being with this boy, ask her what she thinks about the attention he gives her. Keep yourself calm, be friendly and matter-of-fact, and you'll have very valuable conversations with her.

From the boys' side, I have to say, having only sons, and knowing plenty of other parents with just boys, many (I'm not saying all) but many don't really think so much about their sons' sexual development. It's sort of a throwback to many years ago, as if it's more a problem for the girls and not for the boys. But boys go through all of the same feelings, and they have to be taught as well. If this boy does this again, calmly talk to him about it. For a 10 year old, I think it's just fine to say something along the lines of, "It looks like you are becoming very good friends with my daughter. And it seems that makes both of you very happy." Talk to him about what is appropriate and respectful behavior. That touching other people --- girlfriends --- event casually is very personal and is something for much more mature people -- teenagers.

I'm sorry... I'm rushing my response because I have to leave my house in 5 minutes, but I wanted to respond. The main idea is to be understanding, not threatening. Talk about what is going on. Basically, you want to really say, "You're too young to handle this sort of touching right now." But you know that if you said it that way, you've just fanned all sorts of flames!

Trust me. Boys spend lots and lots of time talking about this stuff with their friends. But they have to learn respect for themselves and the females in their lives. Otherwise, everything they do with girls becomes something of a competitive sport between them. It's the respect that we have to teach them very young.

I'm sorry this was rushed and a little off course. I hope you get my meaning. So yes... let them be together, but supervise and teach.

If she wants to be friends w/ him, then why would you stop that? They like hanging out & they like each other. I'm sure you feel blessed that your daughter told you. If you sever her friendship w/ him she might not confide in you the next time, when she really needs your help. Teach her, don't do it for her. Impower her to stand up for herself. She needs to know that its okay to tell a boy that she doesn't like something he is doing. You can't always be there & its a good lesson for later on. If he continues to make her uncomfortable & doesn't respond to her request to keep his distance, then step in. It sounds like your daughter is very artiqulete & I don't think she's going to have a problem telling you exactly what she is okay w/. In the end, if you think its a bad idea, then you will have to be the mean mommy & say NO.

Hi Lilly,

I think you are right to be wary of the situation. You should take this opportunity to talk to your daughter about apropriate touch and inapropriate touch. Explain the difference between 'friends' / boy friends~girl friends / and married people ... and you may not want to let them be alone anymore... you might even want to talk to the boys mom.. they are too young for this, but the kids these days are doing things earlier and earlier and you don't really know what is on the boys mind...

pray about it first and make sure you keep the door open for your daughter to talk to you about how she feels about the boy and the whole boyfriend / girlfriend thing... explain to her that this type of relationship is for older kids like 16 year olds... or whatever your boundry is...

Good Luck and God Bless,
S.

I think you need to ask your daughter if she still wants to be his friend. Just taking them away from each other may cause confusion. As you said, they probably don't even know what they are doing, they saw it on TV or their parents do it and think it is what you do. Make sure your daughter is comfortable with being around him and then SUPERVISE them at all times.

Hello!! I had 2 c-sections and my doctor told me that his wife had one too.. I still have pains from the scar.. Mine hurts when I over do things.. I know it is annoying. I know how you feel.. I just deal with it.. I don't think it will ever go away...

Sincerely,
A.
PS My girls are 12 and 15 years old...

Hi Lily
Both as a parent (age 64!!) and as a Counselor, professionally, I would get my daughter away from this young boy as fast as possible. It is NOT an innocent situation you found them in. He will be 11 and may know more than you do!! Hormones are jumping and curiousity is jumping even higher. Speak to your daughter gently but matter of factly -without using negativity- about normal feelings that occur at varied ages ....ask what SHE thought of the "situation" as well so she feels free to discuss her feelings with you now and in the future. Obviously, I do not know any of you much less the children...but I did raise two sons with "guide lines." Perhaps his mom should know as well and can speak to her son. What's with his peer group? What activities does he belong to? Being friendly is one thing,what's happening is another. Even though most females "mature" at a somewhat faster pace than males, there is more than a "3 yr. age difference" here. Good Luck!! Being a Mom is GREAT...constantly challenging.