Ok So This Is for the Socially Awkward Ones Out There, Lol!

You are not alone. I, too, feel awkward in social situations. I guess because I hate "small talk" - I feel its fake and I feel like it's forced and I sound awkward. I have a job that leads me into peoples offices for social and informational meetings so I have had to step out of my comfort level. I find it easiest if I have a few things, light things, to ask when meeting someone. Make a list of 5 questions or so and always resort to them if there is a lull or you feel awkward.

You know what? This is what I have to remind myself: "I'm not so important!"

If people don't like me, that won't keep me - or them - out of heaven or anything. They may just have missed their chance to meet a really nice person, but that won't affect me adversely. I'm not likely, really, to make a huge, stupid mistake, but even if I do, it's no more than everyone else does once in a while, and I get a turn as well.

What do other people think of me? Well, that's not really any of my business. (A friend of mine says, "You wouldn't worry so much what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do.") However, I can take an interest in them. I can fall back on the basics of social conversation and ask those other people questions about their most favorite subject - themselves!

You can go ahead and get nervous. As the saying goes, the objective is not to eliminate the butterflies in your stomach, but to make them fly in formation.

I really, really wish I had learned all this when I was younger. However, better late than never!

I would rather have a real conversation with 1 person than have the same "how are you" with 50 people. I tend find one person that I can really talk to at a party.

It helps me to remind myself that they are JUST PEOPLE, like I am. They have moments of insecurity and confusion and whatever else, but I don't see them in those moments. I remember being in school and feeling nervous around a boy. Then, when I would get to know him, I'd realize that he was just a boy, just another human being. With boys and girls alike, at the end of the school year, I'd wish that I'd gotten over the hump sooner so that I could have had more time having fun. I realize that my tool is hindsight, and I let my hindsight take me into the future.

Another tool that I use is vulnerability. I don't mind acknowledging that I feel awkward. Saying it aloud--sometimes even to others--gets me over the hump and empowers me to do something about it.

There is a lot of us out there. I am willing to bet a lot of us are answering questions on this site! I don't have a solution but once this last kid goes to college I will have much more say in how many school/social functions I have to attend! Even with friends I have known 20 years I have some anxiety with. I tend to be sensitive to emotional changes in people but i also have a blunt way of speaking sometimes. I hate to inadvertently hurt someones's feelings even on here. There are quite a few things I have just refused to go to. To the social person that's enough to cause shock. I have learned to ignore those judgmental eyebrow raises. Still I think there is room for quiet people in this world that seems clamoring for fame and attention.

Nope, I'm right in there with you.

I was furious with my husband a couple of weeks ago. We were at a birthday party for one of HIS old college friends - people I don't know nearly as well as he does - at a restaurant, that had a playground. I was finishing my sandwich, when the kids wanted to walk over to the play area (it's a large complex) - so he takes them over, and leaves me, sitting by myself, in the middle of a group of about 50 people - only TWO of which I knew, who were the hosts, and were obviously too busy to entertain only me. The kids could have waited two minutes - instead, it took me a while to figure out where they had gone, and I had to be all awkward so I could leave and find them. Mind you, he knew most of the people there. Grr.

I find that having something to keep me occupied helps (like taking care of the kids!) - and I DON'T mean sitting there on my phone. Ask people questions. People like to talk about themselves. To help my own confidence, I thought of professions I know nothing about, that kind of give me the creeps, and came up with a question I could ask that person. Taxidermy. How do they hide the wound? Is there sewing involved, or some kind of glue, or patches, or what? How do they decide on the pose? I've never actually talked to a taxidermist, so now I'm kind of looking forward to meeting one. Mortician. Why are people never buried in their pajamas? People always say, "They look asleep," well, why not pajamas? I've never actually asked a mortician if I can be buried in my pajamas. (Please, if there is anyone on here who knows any of these answers, Don't Tell Me! Then what will I ponder?) I figure that if I can come up with something to say to a taxidermist or a mortician, after they answer the dreaded, What do you do? question, then I can probably talk to anybody. (Also have an answer if they ask you what your favorite part of your job is...)

Not that I'm 100% confident, but that sort of mental game helps, and gives me something to think about, other than being nervous.

Also, if you are in a group, and the conversation is swirling around you and you don't know what to say or add to it, it's okay to say, "Excuse me, I need to go get a drink refill," or lean in and confidentially ask, "Do you know where the ladies' room is," or just say, "Excuse me," and step away, and go talk to someone you know, or go "check in on the kids" on your phone, or actually go to the ladies' room, or even step outside for some fresh air.

Many famous people suffer from performance anxiety so bad that they will toss their cookies before a performance. Barbra Striensand stopped doing live shows for years because she got so nervous before a perfromance. Red Skelton tossed his cookies everytime he performed. I can't think of anymore right now but my point is you would never know it when you saw them onstage.
It's called 'fake until you make it'. Decide no matter what, you are going to walk in the door with a smile on your face and say 'Hi' to as, many people as you can. Just hold your head up and keep smiling. It helps to carry a cute purse or wear a cute pair of shoes, it gives something for people to comment on. And you notice something about the person you are talking to, a cute purse, darling shoes, nice hairdo ect. Everyone loves complimitents so tell people how much you love ___ about them. Become familar with a lot of topics; read, listen to all types of music, learn about different foods ect. It gives you something to talk about other than the kids. The more subjects you can talk about the less you will be nervous when talking to people. If you feel stuck talking to someone who is unpleasent find an excuse to walk away. Tell them you need to go to the bathroom or get some food or drink or fresh air. When you come back join a different group, make it look spontanous as you are walking in stop and mention something about a different person, 'I love your outfit; where did you find it?'

Practice makes perfect. Keep at it until you feel comfortable.

I sometimes experience this--it used to be much worse when I was younger.

When I start to feel tense, there are some things I can do:

1. I can remind myself that we're all people, and we're all in the same boat. A school function? I remind myself that we're all in this parenting things and I know enough to know that NO ONE has perfect kids or a perfect life, no matter what their profession. I've worked in other people's homes enough to know that often, what we see is what people want us to see. It's not to say every successful person is fraught with secret problems, only that nothing is as *perfect* as it seems.

2. I'm not great in groups, so I listen a lot, or find a person with something in common to talk to. Often, they might feel just as 'bailed out' as I do.

3. Taking calming herbs like Valerian can help, esp if you know you are going to something that's a trigger for your anxiety. If you do use valerian, be mindful that too much only reverses the affect, so follow packing directions carefully. If you go speak to a naturopath, they can help you use supplemental herbs to help lower your anxiety. I've found some formulas to be pretty effective.

4. Rescue Remedy pastilles. No joke. They look like candy and fit into your purse, and can always use the excuse:" I got them for my kids, but they taste so good!" if you feel conspicuous. :)

I keep in mind that my sons are learning by watching me, and I want them to be better, so I do better, giving them a good example to follow.

its called social anxiety, its very common. practice deep breathing for a few mins before you leave it really helps!