No Rsvp. Would You Be Offended?

I think you are making this all about you and for no reason. Who knows what she may have been dealing with last week she is not dealing with this week? You have no idea what is going on in her life. You said you've never met her. I think we need to cut people some slack sometimes and not assume other people's actions are always about us.

I am one of those terrible people who do not always RSVP. If my child isn't going to be attending I do not always RSVP in the negative. In my mind the parent should automatically assume that my child won't be there unless I RSVP with a yes. I'm trying to be better about it.

I wouldn't be offended. This is a woman you barely know. Let it roll.

I would think it is because you have never met her. We only invite the kids we know to parties (the ones my kids play with outside of school), so if the child is invited to the party we know the parents. Perhaps the mother finds it strange that her child is being invited to a birthday party for a child he hasn't even played with outside of school? Maybe her child plays with the other child and she knows the parents, and that is why she RSVP'd. I would start by inviting kids for playdates before you invite them for events such as parties. When my kids are invited to parties for kids we barely know I sort of feel like it is a gift grab.

ETA: That may be how it is done where you are from, and I am not saying that it is a gift grab, but perhaps the mom doesn't understand that it is done this way around there. To me it seems strange to be invited to a party for a casual acquaintance. Anyway, I am just offering a possible explanation why she didn't RSVP, other than she just doesn't like you. She just might feel awkward RSVPing to a stranger.

This is simply a sign of the times. It's so common now for kids to invite the whole class, or at least all the boys or all the girls, some parents have stopped responding altogether. Yes, it's rude, but nothing to be personally offended by.
Birthday parties are so much nicer and easier when it's just cake, ice cream and some games, with about 6 to 8 good friends. I don't know why parents nowadays turn every birthday into such a stressful event :-(

Maybe she had multiple things going on the day of the party. Her child really wanted to go, and she was trying to work out the details so she put off the RSVP to try to figure out how to fit everything into the day. Then the evite got buried under dozens of new incoming emails and slipped her mind (yes I'm speaking from embarrassed experience here). And since you aren't personal friends with her, your emails were caught by her spam filter. And the paper note fell into the bottom of the backpack and is still there.

Who knows?

There is no need to be hurt or offended over this. But in the future, if you need to check on RSVP's, use the phone. It's the easiest way to get an instant answer.

Sadly, this is what happens CONSTANTLY. Even with all of our immediate communication devices, people still won't RSVP. I find that adding, "Please RSVP so we have enough goodie bags and food for the kids, we don't want you to leave your child out by not RSVPing" helps a ton. Parents don't want their kid left out. I also make sure I only buy enough for the RSVPd kids. That way, the kid whose parents didn't RSVP (and didn't get the goodie bag) will harp his parents to RSVP from now on. Parents need to be adults and take some responsibility.

Don't be offended. It's a waste of time and energy. Move on and don't let it ruin your day. In the scheme of things, it's NOT that important…and a waste of energy….but you also want to have boundaries.

PS Canuk, around here, the schools MAKE parents invite everyone in the class, so not to hurt other's kid's feelings. (Ugggg)

I think you're reading way too much into it. I personally think it's rude not to rsvp but some people think you only need to if you ARE coming. So maybe they were busy that day, or maybe her son didn't really want to go and she simply didn't respond. Or maybe that invitation is still in her son's backpack and she never even saw it, who knows?
How could a person you never met not like you anyway? That seems like a really insecure way to think of yourself. This really has nothing to do with YOU it was just a kid who didn't come (for whatever reason) to your son's party, that's all.

So you're passing judgment on a woman that you don't even know? Stop the insanity and quit taking it as a personal affront.

Stewing over it a week later is not healthy. Let it go and work on getting to know her and her son. That's a more productive use of your time.

Annoyed, perhaps, but not offended.

I think it's just downright rude to NOT rsvp to an event.. whether you are going or not.. I don't want to hear people's stupid excuses .. (unless of course they include death of a loved one) but most of the time, it's just plain disregard.... I believe in the common courtesy of letting someone know you will or will not attend their event.......... no excuses.. be courtesy people and reply.. how much freakin time does it take....

That's sad you had such a hard time getting rsvp's. I usually have one or two flakes but the vast majority reply. Maybe her son doesn't actually like yours and she wasn't sure what to do. But I think you are spending time on this while she has other things going on in her life. Likely the difficulty getting almost anyone to respond caused you aggravation so maybe you are taking it out on her. Are you always so perfectly behaved? Everyone makes mistakes. Seems like you're looking to judge her and put her in the "rude" box otherwise you wouldn't give it so much thought. I wonder if you judge everyone or ever give some slack.

Updated

That's sad you had such a hard time getting rsvp's. I usually have one or two flakes but the vast majority reply. Maybe her son doesn't actually like yours and she wasn't sure what to do. But I think you are spending time on this while she has other things going on in her life. Likely the difficulty getting almost anyone to respond caused you aggravation so maybe you are taking it out on her. Are you always so perfectly behaved? Everyone makes mistakes. Seems like you're looking to judge her and put her in the "rude" box otherwise you wouldn't give it so much thought. I wonder if you judge everyone or ever give some slack.

As much as I love dinosaurs and typewriters and a nice paper invitation, what I am seeing is that the Evite is the way to go. People can open it, look at their calendar (more and more people have them online) and then answer the RSVP all in one physical action on their computer or device. Paper invites require the person to actually GET the invite, check calendar, and then call.

I don't know why the person didn't respond to your messages. Yes, it is rude, but that's HER rudeness. To take offense requires that you believe her rudeness was directly meant for you. Life is short, I'd just let it go. Please believe me-- our kids are still young and this is not worth hanging onto.

I'd be livid-I don't condone being rude, find it offensive and inexcusable-I would not again invite those who did not RSVP without you begging for their response. You were asking for a response, not a gift. Most of us do not live in communes where you know every child's parents-generally, the way to meet the parents is back to school night, fund raising events, volunteering and throwing parties.

Not sure. There might be more to the story. Maybe her kid had a possible conflict for your son's party and she was waiting to figure it out, but the other party date was wide open and she was able to respond right away. However, if that was the case she could have told you that. I HATE the way people don't RSVP any more and I posted about this back in October related to an adult birthday party. I think it's rude. But sometimes there's more to the story. I RSVP'd once to a friend of my son's in person about his Bar Mitzvah party. I planned to follow up by email to his mother, but I lost track of the date by which we were supposed to respond. I felt really BAD when she ended up sending me an email asking if my son was going to attend her son's party. I did respond immediately though to her email and apologized for not following up sooner, but that I had talked to her son about it when he was visiting our house. So, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I really wish people would just RSVP, even if it's a "maybe." Unfortunately, I've learned that we can't really count on RSVPs any longer.

Another possibility is that maybe she was uncertain about the situation, the party or your sons' relationship since she hasn't met you. Once again, she should still have given some sort of response, but I wouldn't assume she "doesn't like you." Like you said, she doesn't know you. It's frustrating! I would give her the benefit of the doubt that there's more to the story unless you learn otherwise.

Frustrated yes. Offended no.

I agree with others. There is no way of knowing what was going on in her life the week your invite went out-- out of town, illness in the family, a death in the family, stresses at work, etc.

It is possible that she didn't get the emails. Some people have their accounts set so that mail from unknown addresses get filtered into a junk folder that they only check occasionally. I found an email in my junk folder that my daughter's principal had sent in response to an email I had sent him. I had thought he was kind of rude not to respond. Then I found his email two weeks later. Not just once, but twice.

Notes from school are also easily missed. I often find notes from school that have gotten crumpled in the bottom of the backpack. Or my husband takes them out and puts them in an obscure place and I never see them.

It is easy to get frustrated but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt because more than I care to admit, I do the same thing. Just yesterday I finally RSVP'd to a birthday invitation that my daughter got a week or so ago for a party on Saturday. The invitation had gotten stuck under something and I forgot all about it. The last two weeks have been unusual with two scheduled days off from school that involved watching a friend's daughter, two unscheduled days off with the frigid weather, and trying to get things ready for my parents to come this weekend. Life happens and I am just as guilty about forgetting things. So, even if I'm frustrated, I try to be understanding.

Let it go. There are much bigger things to focus your energy on.

you both used Evite???? I was going to say if the other person did that and you just put a phone number she probably responded w the faster technology. but if you both used evite.

I would chalk it up to maybe something happened in her life that week. she might have lost a family member, been struggling at work, or her kid could have been giving her big ones and she had grounded him and was stressed and didn't rsvp.

what is the relationship between your son, the no rsvp kid, and the new bday kid?? only if there was bad blood prior would I be offended.

not worth it.

well, you can choose to take offense, of course, but only if you stalking about in high dudgeon is fun for you.
the RSVP thing is always a hot topic here. it's rude that people don't, but the fact is, they don't. you can either figure out how to deal with your party-planning understanding this, or spend an awful lot of time during your child-raising years being offended and ruffled.
i NEVER assume that no RSVP means 'omg they don't like me.' it just means they got busy, or didn't see it, or forgot, or don't understand that it means 'reply either way not just if you're coming', or a dragon ate it, or the kids hid it, or maybe that they just hate you and your family and want you to feel awful- but that's not very likely.
there are so many things in the world over which to get yer dander up. this isn't worth the energy in my book.
a quick aside- i used to be fairly cavalier about RSVPs until MP. you guys have convinced me that i must reply every time even if i get distracted or lazy or forgetful, as is my wont. so yay for the MP moms who thoughtfully eddicate others! but i still think you're wayyyy too invested in this.
khairete
S.

Yes, I might be offended, but I'd set a timer to allow only about thirty seconds for hurt feelings. There are much more important things to do with one's time and energy.

Responding immediately to an invitation isn't *just* an act of courtesy; it's an act of practicality. Procrastination is an awful trap. If I can make a decision and communicate it right way, then that job is done. The "I'll think about it and get back to them" way is a sure lead to forgetting to respond altogether... which actually leads to forgetting to CARE about responding. (Yes, I just raised my voice.)

There have been more posts here about RSVPs than I can shake a stick at. Most of them lead to the same conclusion: if you're sent any invitation for anything (any way it's sent), reply right away and get it done!

As far as the other mama is concerned, let her problems be *her* problems alone. At least she was kind to the other party-giving mother. She probably didn't have anything against you. Why should she have?

I think some people erroneously think RSVP is for regrets only. So maybe she's in that camp.

Some people just suck at rsvp. There was a point where if I wasn't going I wouldn't say yes or no. I would just ignore it. But I became better at rsvping yes or no. It was just one of those bad etiquette habits I was working on.

It is offensive, and unfortunately the norm these days. After getting burned when I had my daughter's 7th birthday party at an expensive venue, I no longer have big parties for any of my kids. They invite a couple of good friends and I take them on an outing. They're happy, I'm happy, it's cheaper=win, win, win.

No, you should not be offended. No, I would not be offended.

I would be annoyed for all of 30 seconds and let it go. This is one of those things I can't control, so I don't let it bother me.

no you shouldn't be offended. I wouldn't care at all.

Please don't be offended.
It was most likely just an oversight.
We often get invited in our cul de sac to the neighbors on the corner that
we are very friendly with and I always forget to RSVP.
I feel awful about it. I do not mean to not respond. I get the invite, get busy, forget about it, buy a gift in case we go, put it away. The day of the
party, I see people arriving, my child sees this & wants to go. I've completely forgotten about this at this point. We go, I get home & BAM...I remember. Oh dear (sigh). I am so sorry.
But my child had a great time, so did their child & they got a nice gift.
I always vow never to let it happen again.
I really do think it's an oversight so I hope you give her a pass. At least, she came right? (P.S. the note in the backpack.......probably never saw
daylight).

I think what's gotten you offended is she was able to rsvp to this other invitation... So she does sometimes rsvp, she does get email etc. But I wouldn't take it personally vs not think well of her until she proves otherwise. So I would not exactly try to get to know her and make friends but maybe someday you'll meet her, figure out what the deal was and she'll turn out to be a nice person. In the meantime, tell yourself "eh, b-tch" and refuse to waste more time on it.

If you weren't also invited to the other kid's party, you would never have known. There is no telling why she RSVPd to the one and not the other. Many people wrongly believe that it means "reply if you are coming" vs "please respond". I would not be offended. I would just think she doesn't know what it means.

Rude.
I wouldn't be offended. It may be that she knows the other child and parent, and didn't know you or yours. My daughter has 24 kids in her class, but I only hear about maybe 5 or 6 of them.

When we did our party, I invited the whole class and about 10 kids rsvp'd. 14 didn't. 16 kids showed up with one mom calling me minutes before the start of the party to say they were on their way.

Saw the SWH: Maybe you had a typo in her email address?

I agree with Gamma G - you should have picked up the phone if it were that important to you. Perhaps the mom doesn't check her e-mail regularly. I know that when I'm not at work, I don't check mine. And the note could still be in the child's backpack wadded up underneath other things. You have no right, IMHO, to be offended when you chose not to send regular invites and follow-up by phone. Not everyone lives their lives through electronics.

Hi. My 2 cents: I tend not to ask for an rsvp on informal events such as my DS's birthday parties or the like. I reserve them for more formal events being held at a restaurant or banquet hall, where I'm paying for a seated meal and need a hard count by a specific date.

For the more informal events, I use "regrets only" to get a soft count and take it from there. hope this helps. S.

I wouldn't be offended (I don't actually get offended very easily, there are unknown circumstances in most situations that would change my perception, so I try really hard not to judge or let others' control my feelings and emotions). I'd think "oh well, their loss…" She was probably not planning on attending your party (are your kids super good friends?), but maybe her kid is friendlier with the OTHER party boy and he bugged her to respond ASAP. You don't really know the details, right? If someone doesn't respond after the lengths you went to, assume they're not coming.

No rsvp-ing is a pet peeve of mine (simply because of the courtesy factor), but the reality is some people need to be reminded. I have no problem calling a parent *or* sending another email, but I'll do that once. If I STILL don't hear back, I let it go.

I would have been annoyed but not offended. Maybe her son just didn't want to come to the party and she was embarrassed to say it. I would just move on. There are way more important things to worry about. It was rude. And you can figure that the kid is going to be rude as well. But just let it go.

Maybe she learned something from having to get your note in the backpack (and was embarrassed to contact you) and decided that she would respond to the other rsvp's as soon as she got them. Just a thought. I would not take it personally.

Mary L said what I was going to say.

Some people just do not RSVP

Since being a member on this forum I have seen dozens of posts about RSVP's. The frustration from those of us that always try to RSVP, and others that just were not brought up this way. They were just taught, if you are not attending, do not respond. And they always have an excuse that they are satisfied with.

To me and you, this is just not done. It takes but a moment to do this, but for others, they have a lot going on, do not know what may come up, maybe are not great about being able to commit, they do not allow their children to attend parties of other families, they think it is silly it is only a kids party. They do not believe in parties for children, unless it is close family.

I honestly have learned, we do not know what goes on in other peoples lives or homes,. Or the miscommunication, confusion..I am giving them the benefit of the doubt.

But yes, it makes me very frustrated that some people just cannot take a moment to respond with yes or no. If they have any doubts for any reason, simply respond no. Don't leave us hanging out here. You have to just go and chase these people down, or some people just cannot get it together.
Our children wanted your child to attend thus party, because they like your child. No hidden agendas.

And even worse, IF you respond yes, make a darn good effort to be there. Unless there is an emergency, it is even worse to RSVP yes, and then not attend, or at least call to let the hostess know you were not in an accident on you way over.

But maybe it is just where we live. We say yes ma'am, no sir, thank you, we actually entertain in our homes and welcome new friends into our families by treating them like honored guests. And yes, this includes our children's friends, classmates and their families.

In my experience most only RSVP when they plan to come, I am assuming she was not coming, therefore there was no need for her to RSVP. Now if she had failed to RSVP and then showed up anyways, that would have been rude.

If it is a big formal event like a wedding, where you have to know well in advance, then an RSVP should always be given even if the answer is no, but for a birthday party? Seems like it should not be a huge issue really.

Don't be offended. People are just lazy and forgetful when it comes to RSVP's. Or they wait too long to decide and then never do.

Maybe she was dealing with something more important.

I would not be offended. You don't know what happened to the invitation, if she even saw it. You don't know what her schedule is like. You don't even know if she saw your e-mail/got your message. You just don't know the circumstances.

I've had instances where I haven't RSVP'd because I didn't have the invitation in my hands until after the event and my child was like, "Oh hey mom, here. This is for you to look at. Can I go?" I don't dig through my childrens' backpacks because it's their responsibility to bring things to me. It's a rule in this house.

You're a busy mom... well... chances are she is too. Aren't you too busy to be offended over something so silly?

For clarity sake, did this mom or kid actually attend the party? I'm not finding that fact.

I don't RSVP if I'm not attending. But if the boy attended, yes, very rude at that age not to give you heads up somehow / someway with all the electronic means we have at our disposal. However, I'd not blow a gasket over it.

No do not be offended. This does frustrate the heck out of me tho! It happens every year. Times have changed and hardly anyone RSVPs anymore.

Since you don't know her I'm inclined to say it's nothing personal and wouldn't be offended. I would however consider her quite rude unless she pulled you aside the next time she saw you and apologized for not rsvp'ing because, say, her computer was on the fritz, or she was sick with the flu, or in the hospital etc...Otherwise no excuse. I've had the same situation, so I understand. Says more about them than you. Turn the page and move on. She's not worth your time or consideration.

Been thinking about this and logged off. Decided to check my email, wow, I hadn't been there in well over a week. Found one that my friend sent me a message a few minutes after I logged off the last time asking me if I could mail her something.

I didn't know she needed it, she didn't call me and speak to me in person, she just thought I was ignoring her. When I saw that email I called her to apologize. She had been going to the mail every day thinking it was on it's way.

This is someone I'm friends with and because I don't check that account every day, not even every week, I nearly let my friend down.

It was a miscommunication. These happen ALL the time. Speaking to a person voice to voice is always best.

Next time don't invite anyone from school, it seems you're pretty dogmatic about what you want and some people might find that offensive.

Either have a party that doesn't require a number count or don't do it. Have a simple party with cake and ice cream. Let the kids play and have fun, eat cake, open presents, then go home. That way you don't have to know if they're coming or not. Just buy a cake that will feed everyone. If you have left overs then yeah! You get to eat cake at home, if they all come you don't have any cake left.

Welcome to Mamasource, where you always get answers to questions you didn't ask! As for the RSVP, I think you went above and beyond what was necessary. I think a good plan is 2-step: Send out traditional paper invitations three weeks in advance, and then an e-vite two weeks in advance. If you still don't get an RSVP, then don't bother with them - BUT - in your party planning, allow a small contingency for unexpected guests. It's not the children's fault some parents are rude and tacky.

I think that it's tacky, but I wouldn't take personal offense with someone who does not know me. That is not personal.

Even though it might feel like I'm being singled out, I would most likely assume that it was more about timing. If she happened to check her email at just the time that the evite came through, she might have thought it easier to just go ahead and RSVP before moving away from it. It might take special effort to stop what she's doing to log on or make the call, but if she's already there....

Anyway, I think that you should leave it alone. Do not plan for her attendance. If she makes an issue of that, then you can--politely, not with 'tude--say that you were not expecting her and keep it moving.

I just had the same thing with my daughters party last week. She invited 20 kids (which was way more then I wanted but) Out of the 20 kids 5 of them never responded at all. I think that is very rude but I never went out of my way to ask them. If they don't have the time to make a 2 minute phone call to say that they can't come then I don't have the time to chase them around to find out. But keep in mind for the next party not to invite such rude ppl. I would just let it slide off your back. Ppl like that are just not worth the time.
Her party was great. Out of the 20 kids she had 14 including herself. So I think that was a pretty good party.
Again don't be offended that is just how some ppl are.