New Friends-

I have been blessed with some awesome life long friends. They move away, die, get divorced and move into a crazy life you want no part of, they change, they get another best friend, and so forth.

It all makes me sad so I've stopped putting myself out there to make new deep friends. I make a lot of acquaintances and am even friendlier to some more than others but I don't consider any of them to be my "best friends". They aren't invited to my home, they don't come over uninvited and they'd never invite themselves over, etc...I have had enough of that. I just want to spend time with a few good closer friends that are here that I find stimulating and interesting.

That is sad. It is harder as an adult to make friends. I would not choose not to meet someone new because it would open me up to new people. You never know what you might gain from meeting new people and having new experiences.

I have 1 very dear friend since 1989 when we met at work. We still get together for lunch once a week. If for some reason some time goes by and we don't see each other for a while, when we do meet up again, it is like we met yesterday.

I have another good friend I enjoy lunching and shopping with fairly often.

I have few dear friends but we have a very active social life. I keep my cards pretty close to my chest and can be called an introvert. We do have happy hour every Friday night at the country club which is a very nice place. We've done this so long that we know everyone when we go in and everyone knows us. We catch up with what everyone has been doing for the week. When the manager has special wine dinner functions, we are one of the first groups to be called and all of our friends at the bar (Cellar) end up going to these dinners together and having a great time.

Other than our Friday night social life, and other functions at the club, we are pretty much homebodies. We LOVE to cookout and enjoy our house and yard.

The poster who wrote about feeling not good enough for other moms needs to read this... It's usually nothing personal. A lot of people feel as you and your friend do. When our kids were small and we moved to our current town, I felt a lack of sufficient friendships but that was years ago now and we've built a nice sized group. So sometimes I do meet someone who seems nice but don't pursue it bc I kind of do have enough friends. Not to say we're totally shut off at all but people in our group already spend a fair amount of time socializing and we do want some just family time too so practically speaking, we just run out of time. I think it's why new neighbors clubs are a great idea. I understand new people need to make friends and they can be a great way. My parents experienced that when we moved when I was a kid. This was about 40 years ago and virtually all their friends were via that club so I don't think it's just today's world that causes this situation. People already in town had their friends so the new people all became friends and those friendships lasted decades. No one can indefinitely keep making new friends and actually be good friends with them. It's just a law of numbers type thing vs a sign of the times. I also think as kids get older, adults have more time again so everyone being overscheduled isn't a permanent state. I have to say though if I thought a couple seemed lovely and they kept inviting us, I would make time.

A while ago, I was set up on a "playdate" by my 14 yr old daughter. She has a really good friend, a guy, and they decided that his mom and I would get a long really well because we have many things in common. For a few months, we both kinda said "yeah, yeah, one of these days, we'll get together for coffee". Finally, one day, my daughter said "Mommy, *** and I are meeting at Starbucks on Saturday at 1pm. His mom is going to be there and YOU are coming, too." I was amused so I went along with it.

Turns out they were right. She's become a good friend and we get together for coffee or lunch every few weeks (which is great considering our busy schedules). So, yeah, I've made a new friend. I'm pretty closed off, so it IS rare.

Most of my VERY good friends are women I've known my entire life. I have a TON of new tennis acquaintances (people I'd only see on the court), and even a couple of new tennis friends who I REALLY like (who I'll actually see OFF the court). So I guess it's possible to make new friends as adults. It just depends on the effort you want to put into it. I'm very careful with my time and energy, my new friends are all worth it though and I'm happy I made the effort.

Sadly, I find this to be true many times. And I say sadly, because for those of us who move to a new city in adulthood, it makes it very hard for the new city to ever feel like 'home'. It makes for a lonely life when so many of the people around the newcomer have the attitude that your friend does.

I had three kids in three years and I was a young mom. I can honestly say I went years without friends and was very lonely for adult interaction. Now, I find friends through my kids. haha Sad, but true. I love to make new friends and be able to hang out with or without our kiddos. It's great! My husband is the complete opposite. He has no interest in making friends but he's not exactly a people person. He has a few friends and that's enough for him. I'm like the more the merrier. :-) I think it's fine with whatever you choose because we are all so different. If you don't have time to hang out that's okay but I would be honest. However, you may decide to go to the BBQ and actually have a good time. You make time for things that make you happy. Either way, do what works for you and don't feel bad about it.

i'm sort of with you. i hope i don't regret it in the future. but i find that i'm so content with my own company that i find the work of friendships to be ... well, work. a few old friends are worth the trouble. maybe if i weren't pretty happy with just the ol' man's company i'd need more outside contact. but i find that most social interactions, even pleasant ones, require a degree of planning and energy expenditure that i'd just rather put into puttering about on my own.
i do make new friends from time to time, but they're more casual friendships. maybe it's that my bestie, who is 10 years younger than i, is in the throes of working and child raising right now, so i've adjusted to not having her available much. anyone who wants to take up a bunch of my time feels more like an energy drain than a welcome thing in my life.
khairete
S. the hermit

This just seems sad to me.

My 2 best friends don't live that close to me so it is much easier to get together routinely with people that are more local. Some of those people have become great friends over the years.

I had surgery in January. Besides my best friends and family, 4 of my girlfriends that came to visit me during my recovery I have only known for a little over a year. These friendships have enriched my life so much. I can't imagine having not pursued them because I already have other friends.

I only got intimate with one friend, I married him.

To each his own, I guess, but I find this to be so sad! And you're so personable online that this really surprises me.

I guess I have always wanted to make friends, no matter where I live. When I was little, my mom taught me the song "Make new friends, but keep the old ones. One is silver and the other gold." I've lived by that and still have friends from my childhood, and all the years in between.

(Not that this is a proper answer for your actual question, LOL! Oh well!)

People often use being busy as an excuse to avoid dealing with something that feels awkward. Most have done that.

If your friend had any interest in spending time with the neighbor, she would magically have time. It is more likely that she doesn't feel a connection with this person but being 'busy' is a heck of a lot easier (and more socially acceptable in general) than simply telling the person, "No thank you. I don't want to do that. I don't think we have a lot in common."

It is incredibly rare that a person is legitimately too busy in the long term to foster a new friendship. The main thing is to keep it real. When a person is 'too busy' for years on end and it keeps people at arm's length, they've chosen to be that way for reasons they may not be willing to look at honestly.

It's not that I don't want new friends, but that they have to fit my life. I'm not a bar hopping kind of gal, so if that was their go-to outing, they need another friend than me. Honestly most of the "new friends" I've made have been through DD in one way or another - another mom at the hobby group who is also chasing her brood so we are near each other most of the day. Come to find out we like a lot of the same things. So, hey, friend! I'm also looking for different things. I don't need a new BFF. But someone to hang with at events is nice and I appreciate that.

But I'm also not one to be looking for a lunch buddy at work, or to hang out with people from church outside our committee stuff. I'm OK with only chatting with the PTA ladies about PTA things. I have enough close friends. If you become one, terrific! But please don't FB Friend me if we just say hello at zumba. My FB friends are 95% people I've actually shared a meal with.

I've also revived old friendships. Yay for FB telling me where my old HS pal now lives. :)

My husband and I made very good friends with 3 couples from church. Of the one couple, he was the best man at their wedding, the other couple, the husband is his best friend, and the third couple, the wife is my best friend. We no longer attend that church but all remain friends and see each other at least a couple times a month and I see my best friend a couple times a week.

That being said, my husband and I started going to a new church because our son was being bullied at the last one. It has been VERY difficult to befriend people at this church, I think mostly because it's twice the size of our last church. My husband and I are both outgoing and friendly and we know it just takes some time. We are not looking to replace our other friends but to simply have a couple people we can hang with at our church events and not feel by ourselves. I so understand how people who are happy with their circle of friends would not welcome invites to new friends parties. That does mean in a way that you are open to getting together often and maybe your schedule just doesn't allow it. I have also been on the other side where I'm looking to make close friends and its hard. I would rather have a few very close friends I can count on than a million I can't. JMO.

Not true for me. In fact, I'm feeling the effects of everybody already having their community and not being interested in new friends. Two very close friends moved, and I'm struggling to replace them. My three best friends don't live near me, and while we chat weekly, or 3x a week sometimes, it would be nice to have lunch with them. I then have a few groups of friends I see a few times a year, and there are a few couples we try to see for family BBQs. I'm part of a book club, but that's my only "social thing" really, save for a friend stopping by for a play date every so often. I luckily have my HS co/op, but I don't "socialize" with these families beyond bday parties. I see them at least once a week for field trips and things, but they aren't "friends." I may throw a BBQ this summer. I'm thinking about it.

But as my children are getting older, I feel like we are losing friends. People are so over scheduled that they don't have time for dinner anymore. Let me rephrase that, the kids are so over-scheduled that the parents can barely find time for date night, let along a BBQ.

I find current times sad. There isn't much community anymore, just nomades of sorts wrapped up in their own world. Capital is destroying us, if you ask me. Of course you don't want to take it to the next level, you have a best friend -hubby- and a child that you don't get to see enough of because of work. I even find us canceling on people because we need alone family time.

Work force practices aren't family friendly, so who really has time to build friendships or community? Maintaining a family is hard enough. People have time for one thing, one community, be it church, the country club, etc. But there just isnt time to build friendships. Friendships need time and constant contact. This is why Facebook is so big. It gives people a false sense of having friends. It falsely fills the need.

Hello
that WAS definitely true for me about 10 years ago, at that time, I had ALWAYS hung out with the same people and now, I realized that it's never a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket..... I learned this the hard way and now for the last few years, I haven't done a ton of socializing and only recently, since taking classes at my local college have I slowly begun to open back up.... In my case, after I started to practice a much needed 12 step program, the friendships I WAS in were and had been very toxic for years so once I severed those ties, it left me kinda distrusting of people and afraid to get back out there and make new friends. however, now, since taking an Italian class whereby I have been with the same students for almost year (the class goes from level to level) I have started to make a couple friends.. it's not been easy, but from this point on, never again will I have just a specific circle of friends, I think it's best to hang out with lots of different people..

Look at it from the perspective of the woman trying to be and make friends (that would be my situation). Do you realize how hard it is to make friends when you don't work outside the home or are new to an area or both? She could be your next best friend.