Need Advice Quick---lost 1 Twin

My cousin had twins... a boy and girl and the little girl only lived a month and 3 days. she said that she wanted people to acknowledge that she had 2 babies so I would think definitly bring something for both babies! I'm sure this is a very hard time for your family now and I'm sorry! I'm sure she will be just as happy about having her little girl as anyone else who just gave birth to a beautiful baby so it needs to be celebrated! If you feel that balloons are too festive then do something different. maybe flowers? Just please do something for both babies! It REALLY upsets my cousin if people pretend like her daughter never existed

I don't know. It's obviously going to be tough on them and this baby girl will be loved and cherished all the more. It's so sad. But you are right that this little girl deserves all the love and excitement as she would normally get. But I wouldn't want to push it. I would keep it understated. How about a small flower arrangement, maybe even a nice plant. But balloons might be a bit festive for what they are going through.

Oh you go there just as excited as you would normally be. YES it is a tough, sad situation, but that amazing birth of that little girl should NOT go unnoticed.

I like your idea for the keep sake for the boy. I know that would be something that would mean a lot to me if I were in that situation.

I found this website once while I was hunting around on the internet. It's a service that sends a photographer to photograph babies and children who are either dead or dying and it is completely free. The reason I mention it is that my mother has always said that she wishes more than anything she had a photo of my sister who died shortly after her birth 31 years ago. These photographers do an absolutely amazing job (which you can see if you look at the website) of creating keepsakes for parents who have lost a child. While it may not be something one might hang on the wall or display on the mantle it really can make a difference to know that the photo is there. I remember seeing at least one photo of twins together, one of them living and one stillborn. It may even be something that the little girl will treasure as she gets older. My mother says that she no longer remembers what my sister looked like.
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

I would give flowers to the mother and a stuffed animal or blanket for the baby. Balloons just don't seem right when they are going to be mourning the loss of a life as well as celebrating a new life.

I have buried several of my babies and one thing that I cherish is a locket that I have been able to keep a very tiny piece of their blanket in. Could you possibly find a necklace that could be a keepsake for both children? Maybe you could have someone engrave both their names on something? It will make her cry but she will cherish it forever. I am very rarely without my locket. Funeral costs for the baby that died are going to be a bit pricey. She is going to need a meal or two for awhile. It is so hard to get moving when you have a newborn and are grieving the lose of another. Oh there is a song I just love. It's called "I Will Carry You." Maybe you could find a way to give it to her. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

I will pray for your friend. It is so very hard to bury a baby. It will get easier, but it will be so hard.

I agree with whoever said a stuffed animal and a blanket for the girl. Also, I like your idea of a keepsake for the little boy. I am sure she will cherish it.

But I agree with the other posters... balloons are a little too "festive" for this set of circumstances.

So sorry to hear that your family is having to deal with this. I would do a flower arrangement instead. Flowers are a good multi occasion solution, esp in this case. Balloons may be too festive, esp with so many mixed emotions right now.

ITA with the suggestions of keepsakes, flowers, plush toys or blankets.
Also please check out the web site for the Center for Loss in Multiple Birth (CLIMB) which has resources for families who have lost a multiple during pregnancy or later in life - the web site is http://www.climb-support.org

Here is a link to an article on the site written by a parent who lost one twin to TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) describing ways that friends and relatives can provide emotional support to a parent who is grieving the loss of a twin:
http://www.climb-support.org/html/article.html?variousjs&...

i think flowers would be more appropriate . baloons can be a fun and silly thing. flowers have a friendly seriousness about them. i would definatly bring something. even something for the passing of the boy. perhaps plant a tree as a memorial for him. that she can some day climb on. so sorry for the loss of the little one.

I think so. So so sorry for the loss. Im sure she would appreciate it. My prayers are with you all. Congrats on the baby girl!

My best friend lost one of her twins this summer. It was very h*** o* her and her husband, and the family didnt really know what to do neither just like you are in. What we did in the end is just be there for her. Let her cry on your shoulder and just be there in general. Later when they are home with the little girl from the hospital, go over there and bring her the presents you want to give her.

Don't know if you guys would be interested in something like this, but here's just one of the many websites my friend found when her son and DIL lost their baby at 30+ weeks (don't remember how far along she was exactly)

http://www.missfoundation.org/

She has tons more if you guys are interested, just lemme know. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I do agree with everyone on here, congrats with the baby girl! Yes, mourn the loss of Jesse, but don't forget about that precious little girl. (you didn't give her name, sorry) It's up to the parents if they want pics or not...but I know...if it were me...I'd want them to look back on. If they want to do a pic video or something like that, here's a good idea for a song (at least I think it's good)....it's called "Love Me" by Yiruma...it's just so pretty. (I can send it if you can't find it..if you want/need it that is)

I don't know when this happened or if it is too late but I know of a photographer that goes to the hospital when a baby is lost and takes pictures of the baby. I know that some think that that is not good but it is just to have special pictures to look back on when the family is ready to see them. They will remember the baby and know that it was here. There are a group of them that go at no cost. I don't know where you are but call around and ask. I have a friend that lost a baby and now looks at the pictures and treasures them.
I hope that whatever you do, the baby girl is celerated because it is her birthday!

By all means, celebrate, though I do think the balloons are too much. Try to emphasize the situation, life is worth celebrating regardless of the circumstances, loosing a baby like that must be devastating, so I would really try to cheer her up a bit. I dont know whether this is good or bad advice, I just think that if anything can help your sister in law get through it, is her new little angel, you know be strong for her, and enjoy her for both. I feel for your loss, please give her my condolences, and our prayers will be with her. Good Luck!

The son of our best friends had twins with TTTS. We knew when they did surgery in-utero that we would have a 33.3% chance of each possibility: Losing both, losing one or both surviving. We were blessed to have the best outcome possible - 2 amazing little girls who are simply different in size. I say this to say that we know the pain of only fearing the loss of a twin before birth.

The baby girl should be celebrated. Today and always. They/you must mourn the loss of Jesse, but this should never overshadow the joy and existence of his sister. She should not suffer this very sad event, because her existence is very joyous and miraculous.

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I wouldn't do balloons, but maybe matching stuffed animals or blankets. Flowers would also be nice. The baby girl will most likely need to be in the NICU for a little while. Let her know that you will be there for her. Most people are probly afraid of making your sil cry & that is why they haven't done thing.
I have been though the NICU, a loss & a full term. I have had 2 preemies (28 weeker & 36 weeker) & a full term. My middle child (36 weeker) only lived for 1 hr & 16 min. as she had complications of amniotic band syndrome. With my daughter we knew 8 weeks ahead of time that she would not live, so we had her entire funeral & memorial services planned out & an outfit for her.
Most people fear saying anything to grieving parents & try to ignore thier loss. If the parents have older kids offer to care for them while the parents get the funeral arrangements set up. Offer to help her find the perfect outfit for thier little boy to buried in. Make sure your sil has meals for at least a week. Most churches will do this for their congragation, but they need to know first.
Some momentos you could help with are: impressions, hand & foot castings (the baby's hands can be positioned in a praying pose/together), photos of the family together (parents & babies), hair clippings & foot prints. I think it would be awesome to have both babies foot prints on one sheet of card stock (it is more firm than paper). Make sure you ask the parents before you do anything.
I know how painful a loss is, but I have never been through this situation.

God bless!

YES! Absolutely!

I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers for you all!

I would bring 2 blankets. A nice soft pink one AND a nice soft blue one! I'm sure she will want to hold her baby boy and it would be nice to have him wrapped in a nice blanket!

Hi Brenda,

I agree the balloons are a little too much. Take a wrapped gift. Lay it aside when you get there. She'll open it when she's ready even if it goes home with her and sits for a while. These things take time. I lost twins a few years back and it took a while for closure even though I trust God is control of all things. She will celebrate the life of this little girl. She will remember her son fondly and often. She will also appreciate you being there!

M.

Although there is a mourning, there is also a gift of life. Even though the boy didn't survive, the girl still has a birthday. Try to make something great out of something sad. It may bring a little life to the atmosphere. Sorry for the loss.

My heart goes out to your intire family. because everyone has lost him!!!
When I was around 7 or 8. My aunt and uncle lost thier first child and she was in a coma for 6 wks. When she can too, everything was done and she never got a chance to see her daughter. And for the longest time she felt that she was not gone and everyone was hiding her from her. This torn the family hearts to peaces. But we were right there for her. We kept everything for her. She treasure it and on her birthday we have a memorial every yr. So we all can remember her. I'm unable to be there so I send flowers to be put on her grave every holiday and on her birthday.
God Bless you and your family.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. How you handle the balloon issue depends on your sister and law and her husband's reactions. You know them well, so you will have to judge. Were they receptive to the keepsake box? This little girl deserves to be celebrated, but she won't know about balloons, so this is for the parents and other family. I might take some other gift for her as a keepsake and a small balloon or flowers. Flowers serve well for both the celebration of the baby girl and the sad loss of her brother.
The best thing you can do later is help keep their son's memory alive when others forget while still celebrating your new niece.

I too lost twins. We planted trees in our yard in honor of them. Maybe you could do that for them. It was also something I felt I needed to do for my healing. It's been a few years now and I love to watch them grow. I often day dream about what they would look like. I do hope that she will take plenty of pictures with him. I think a white shadow box would be a wonderful idea. ...to put pictures, hospital wrist bands, coming home outfit and a piece of his blanket in. Hard times. Like others have said, never pretend that he never existed. It is something that will get easier to deal with but they will never forget and there will be a hole in their hearts forever.