Need Advice on My Marriage

I am a mom of three children with my husband who I married right out of highschool. Seven years ago.I agree with many others. Love and passion are a choice. There are times that I don't feel like i love my husband like i used too, but I choose to stay and work through that. Like one of my good friends says love is not always a luther vandras song. He is a good father and husband and those are qualities that are hard to find. Hang in there.

A.,
I really do not kow what to say. But there had to be a spark between you guys @ one time. I would tell him what is going on and see if you guys can work on it. If you dont tell him what is wrong how can he fix it?
C.

Despite what TV and books would have you beleive.... Love is a choice. The "feeling" of being in love is a chemical reaction in your body that your body can only sustain for a maximum of 4-7 years. after that something else has to exist in the relationship to make it survive. You said he is your best friend and a good father and husband, so it sounds like you have something there. No, you are no longer going to get butterflies every time he kisses you, but it sounds like he loves and respects you, and it sounds like you love and respect him too. At the end of the day, can you stand to get old with him? Do you laugh and have fun? Don't worry about "soul mates", Things like that burn out. Love is a choice, make an informed decision. I hope this helps. Best of luck!!

hi wow sounds like you are really going through a rough time. I don't don't if you are religious but if you are pray about it. God will always answer, it may not always be the answer we are expecting or even wanting but he will answer.
I guess also you need to decide which is more important to you, stability or finding that spark again.
I know what you mean by that, i had to question myself on that once, but eventually i realized that I think love and stability and especially having a best friend with you everyday is way more peaceful then getting out there in limbo again. And then you have to worry about all kinds of other things like introducing you daughter (eventully) to other people, and getting your heart broken, ect,ect.
I guess my best advice would be to give it your best, an if you still are not feeling any better, talk to your husband and try to come to some kind of understanding toghter. Im sure he wants you to be happy and would be willing to do what ever it takes to get to that point, Good Luck

You made a commitment and unless your husband treats you or your daughter poorly, you daughter deservise stability. If you marriage is not passionate then work on that part of it as well as the fighting. Take a marriage retreat if you have to. But marriage is constant work. You have to think of your mate in almost every decision.

The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence if you tend your own garden.

I am happily married and have been for 14 yrs. I'm not saying that there wasn't hard times. He lost one child and have had some other ruff times. But we talk about our concerns and issues and try to make the other a priority.

Hi A.,

I have read through the other messages and agree with those who say Marriage and Love are both choices. Feelings of passion come and go depending on your mood, his mood, financial strains, issues with children, etc. It's so wild how everytime we turn on the TV or open a book, etc. there are 2 people making wild passionate love and we get the idea that if that isn't a part of our lives, then our marriage and relationship with our spouse isn't like it should be or that there are greener pastures out there. My husband and I have only been married about a year now, but we have been doing a marriage class (it's not really counseling either) called Married for Life. What a change it has made in both of us. Once you lose the idea that divorce is an option and start to really pour into your marriage good things everyday, both people begin to benefit and the marriage can get good...really good...whether you have the kind of sex you see on Lifetime or not. My husband and I met and were married in 6 months, and I'm now almost 5 months pregnant, so I hear you on the moving quickly aspect. Girl, make your marriage great. Anytime a thought about someone else and another relationship comes along, allow God to give you the strength to squash it and turn your attention on what you can do for your husband and your relationship. I promise the pay-off for you will be tremendous. If you have any other questions, you can email me at ____@____.com you want to check out the marriage class my husband and I have been attending it is http://www.2equal1.com/ . My prayers are with you! Hang in there...rough times are often followed by times of real joy!

Hi A.,

I am the last person to give advise on marriage considering I am divorced, even though I had an abusive marriage. But I do know that you can't judge the marriage you are in by what ifs from the past. It will definitely ruin the marriage you are in now. You are the only one that decide what is best for you. You have to decide if you "just love" him or are you "in love with him". You have to remember that children can pick up when their parents are unhappy. I dont you can base your decision on whether to end the marriage or not on your daughter. She will be happy when mom and dad is happy. Sharing visitation is not all that easy, but it can be done when the parents are in agreement. But to me it ultimately boils down to one question, Are you happy in the marriage or would you be happier not being married to him? To me that is the upmost important question that only you know. I say follow your heart and do what is best for you. It is a tough decision to make and a bad situation all the way around. And yes someone is going to get hurt with whatever decision you make. You just have to decide what is best for you. I do wish you good luck and if you just need to talk to someone, I am a good listener. I can be reached on yahoo as well at sandra28658.

It's hard to find a good man out there. But you have to always remember NONE of them are perfect. You have to choose your battles. For me, if he doesn't cheat, lie, steal, beat you, or anything like that you might want to keep him around. You say you love him but are not sure if your in love with him. Light the fire! Open your mind to everything. Ask him what he dreams about in a woman and tell him what you dream about and then just do it! You might surprise yourselves. Set aside time for just the 2 of you and talk, go to a movie, take a walk, go do something you haven't ever done or haven't done in a long time...break the daily life habit. And remember if you are thinking of or remembering an old flame...also remember why that flame is OLD. If it was meant to be it would've been. So don't focus on the old, focus on the now. First step, the dollar tree has candles, pricilla's has nightys movies whatever, walmart has stuff too...take an hour and a few bucks, dress up, put some makeup on, go out on a clear sunny day and look for something off the wall to bring home and set up for your husband and see what happens. Also, writing him letters of things you wish for, things you desire in a man, things you want from him might help. And ask him to do the same. This shouldn't hurt his feelings but become playful and something you 2 can do to spice things up a bit. If that doesn't work...staying in a marriage for kids doesn't work, because the tension gets bigger and eventually blows. Good luck and let us know what happens.

ok soul mates are over rated. There is definitely that person out that that will make you feel wow, but for how long. Passion dies, and perfect marriages are fake, however being married to your best friend is a special gift. Forget that he is the father of your child, forget that there is no longer much passion, what is it that you love about him? I would not give up yet, the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest because there are a lot of changes going on during that time period. I would seek some counseling. It sounds like you have a great husband and you guys just need to reconnect. A counselor can help you both rediscover each other and help you address needs that the two of you may have. Marriage is hard work and sometimes it may require outside intervention to get things back working smoothly. I do wish you the best, and if it were a bad situation I would tell you to get out, but it sounds like it may just be needing some work. good luck to you.

I am a strong Christian who dont believe in divorce most of the time now of course there are cases where someone just has to go I recon, I have been married for 8 yrs now and together a total of 12, while we dated we broke up on and off felt like 500 times....lol, Then we got married, first year was ok, but 1 and a half years hit and we split up for a couple mths, noooooo divorce, we ended up getting back together, but marriage is actually very hard, and the first 5 yrs wasnt a Blast, but we worked all of our issues out and get over it.. Look for real, there was a reason you married him, I dont know what is was, but hopefully it was b/c of love and you wanted to be with him... so try to make your marriage work out.. go to counseling, or talk to a church pastor, or something, u two have to be able to communicate, and try your best to understand one another.. My marriage aint perfect or will it ever be .. but we work towards it , sometimes I feel like i work alot more than him, but dont most of us woman feel that way...lol.. I really do wish u the best and that little girl.

Hi A.,
I'm A., and even though I'm not married, most of my friends are. Have you thought about possible going to marriage counseling? Stay with me here...If you have a church, your pastor is there for you! I am a single mom and I fretted over the very real fact that I would be sharing custody and holidays (and still am), and my pastor has helped tremendously! I am so happy that he is in my life...I don't know what I would do without him, not only that, but his services are FREE!! Just something to think about...you wouldn't even have to bring your hubby...your pastor would be someone to talk to, vent to, cry to, and nothing you say will be held against you!

Good luck!
A.

A.:

I live in Newport News as well. If you would like to chat, I would be more than happy to listen and/or give some of my own "lessons learned" with marriage, children, loss, etc. You have already received so many responses - I just figured it might be nice to chat with someone who lives in the same area. Here is my email: ____@____.com. Please put MAMASOURCE in all caps in the subject line so I dont think its spam. I hope to hear from you soon.

M.

Hello A.! A few years ago, I was in a situation similar to yours. I was married with 2 children, who I love more than anything, but realized (over time) that I was no longer in love with their dad. It was very hard for me. I wanted to stay together for the kids, but it also wasn't good for the kids to see us fighting all the time. To make things worse, I had basically given up the life I'd always known to be w/ him and had moved several states away to live where he wanted to. I was miserable. Luckily, I had a friend at work at the time who was going through the same thing, only she didn't have children. She was married and had gradually realized too that she didn't want to be w/ him anymore. It's never easy. I don't know if I would've ever gone through w/ my decision if I hadn't had the support of that friend. But I did finally decide that we needed to split up. I thought about it at least a year before I ever went through with it. And during that time, I didn't really talk to my husband about what I was feeling. Now I wish that I had. I believe I still would've left him b/c I was so unhappy but I should've communicated with him what I was feeling. So my advice would be to talk to him about it, if you can. Tell him the way you've been feeling. If he really is your best friend, there is probably a way to talk about it without it turning into a fight. Hopefully, there is a way to work it out so that everyone is happy. If divorce has entered your mind, it could be a possibility. Divorce is rough but sometimes it is the best option. For me it was. I was so much happier once it was over. I couldn't believe how much happier I was. Not having to answer to anyone if I want to go out w/ the girls was so cool. The worst part, of course, is sharing custody of the kids. For me, it has been the hardest decision I ever made. I moved back home and the kids are still with their dad in Missouri. He makes more money than I do and I ultimately decided as much as it kills me inside, he could better provide for them. I would definitely advise that if you end up getting divorced, make sure you don't get screwed in the custody arrangements the way I did. I misunderstood some things and it's ended up costing me. :( So, anyway, my advice is to talk to him about it, not keep it inside b/c it will eat away at you and you will end up resenting him even more. Also, if you are as miserable as I was, put yourself first for once. It's really hard for moms to do, I know. We all want our kids to grow up with 2 parents, but if it's not a happy home, the kid will see it. She'll grow up thinking "I don't want to end up like my parents." You know what I mean? Just do what is best for you and in turn, I think you'll be doing what is best for your daughter as well. I hope my rambling has helped in some way. Best of luck to you.

First of all you need to think what's best for your daughter. If you and your husband are fighting all the time, it will affect her. I had a child with my ex. We were engaged, but in my heart I knew we'd never get married.We fought all the time and I couldn't take it anymore. When I left him it was the hardest thing to do. We went to court all the time for custody of my daughter. It was the most hardest thing in my life to go through. In the meantime I met the man of my dreams. Now I'm married to him and couldn't be happier. My life is finnally the way I want it. I have full custody of my daughter. I have a wonderful family. Her father rarely ever sees his daughter (which is for the better) It's his choice too. I don't keep her from him. I always think about the what if's too. I couldn't imagine not being where I am today. The power of prayer is a wonderful thing. You will get guidance and it will turn out. I fully believe in never staying with someone your not happy with. Life is too short for that. Make what's best for you and your child happen. It will be really hard at first, but keep praying for strength and it will eventually turn out for the better. I wish you all the luck in the world I know you have alot of hard decisions ahead of you! God Bless!

Hi - just wanted you to know that our situations are very similar and if you need some one to chat with I will be here. ____@____.com
I am 27 and have a 23 mos daughter. I have been married for 3 years and we sorta jumped into it too. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I left him and it scares me because sometimes I can't imagine my life without him. I love him so much but feel that sometimes I am not in love with him. There is no passion - there needs to be!
Maybe we can swap notes or stories or whatever. I know for me it is hard to talk to people that I know in person.

-L.

My husband and I have been married for four years now. Every time we have a problem we sit down and right down what we think each of us needs to work on (I write his issues and he writes mine). Then we have an older couple that we go to for advice mediate while we discuss what we need to discuss (without arguing). I'm not saying that this works for everyone but it helps us at those rough times. Maybe it could help or maybe you could find your own way to sit down and talk to him about how you feel. You do have a child now and you need to sort all of these things out so that you are not putting your child through the pain of seeing you two fight.

WELL I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM TOO AND I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL KIDS MY DAUGHTER IS 2 AND MY SON IS SOON TO BE 1 BUT I AM ONLY 22 BUT I KNOW A LITTLE BIT B/C I JUST HAVE AN OLD SOUL BUT LISTEN DON'T TRY TO FIX SOMETHING IF IT'S BROKE B/C IF YOU PRAY ABOUT IT AND GOD SEEN YOU SOME QUESTIONS THAT YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF LISTEN THEN ASK YOURSELF IS IT REALLY WORTH ME TRYIN OR LEAVIN BUT LOOK AT IT YOU MARRIED HIM SUDDEN AND YOU HAD JUST LOST YOUR GRANFATHER YOU WERE LOOKIN FOR ANOTHER LOVE SOMEONE TO FULFILL WHAT HE DID BUT U HAVE TO DO WHATS BEST FOR U AND YOUR DAUGHTER BUT AT THE SAME TIME DON'T STAY B/C YOU DON'T WANT TWO SPLIT HER WITH HIM ASK YOURSELF R U HAPPY BUT I HAVE TO TALK TO U OTHER TIME

The best advice that I think anyone can give you is get out now before there is bitterness and hard feelings. Let your daughter know when she is older that just because you and her daddy aren't together anymore you still love him. I know from personal experience that when you are unhappy it takes a toll on you, and rather you want it to or not your child/ren pay for it. You could also try counseling for yourself or Marriage counseling. I was married for 2 yrs and lived with what ifs, it is not a healthy thing. Hope that this helps you, feel free to email if you need to chat :)

I agree with Sandi and Catherine. Marriage is really hard sometimes, and we have to work at it. My husband and I went to counseling a few years back because we felt we were in a loveless marriage, (and truthfully, I didnt even like him anymore!)and the marriage counseling saved our marriage! Plus, we started going to church and filling that void in our hearts with something more positive. I went from not liking him to being totally back in love with him. But the road was very difficult. If we can do it, so can you! If you are already unhappy, he is not going to fix you, nor make you happy. You have to fix that yourself. Our passion came back (which I never thought would happen!) and I believe yours can too if you guys work at it together! Good luck!!

You sound a lot like me. You might never should have gotten together, but you are. Now you have a baby. No, thats not reason enough to stay. After I had my son my husband and I hated each other. Come to find out I was suffereing from Post Pardeum Depression. I wasnt depressed, just angry. But, after putting me on some medication, which i am weaning myself off of now(18 months later), my marriage is a lot better. As for thinking about your past alot, dont worry. Its a being tied down thing. Most people go through it, including men. I still do it sometimes. So, maybe you should talk to your OB-Gyn then maybe a marriage counseler of some kind. Even if its just a non bias person.

Hi A.,
Our lives are nearly mirrored. My husband and I broke up several times before we got married. Knew each other less than 2 years before getting married. Didn't get the engagment ring when we got engaged. 1 month after the wedding I discovered I was pregnant. Now have 3 children. During the first pregnancy we fought like cats and dogs, nearly headed for divorce. My biggest problem is that my husband came from another marriage with another child and he had lots of insecurities. And he still does. We got pregnant again with a set of twins and started fighting like cats and dogs again over a lot of different stuff. Endured hurricane Charlie with a direct hit, said our last prayers together while we embraced and survived. We don't always agree on everything, and we do bicker occassionally. He's a good provider and good dad. Our passion is gone too. And like someone else said the passion does seem to go away. When we were first together we were all over each other and couldn't get enough. Now, eh. But that isn't the most important thing in my life. My goals are my children. I came from a broken home as did my husband. If we never bickered how could we stay on our toes? He's your bestfriend!!!! Just like mine is, wasn't but has become. The most intense part of a relationship is at the beginning. It doesn't stay forever, it's because it's NEW. Find some new things to do together, without your child. You still need each other outside of having to take care of your child. And as someone else also said, the first 5 years of marriage ARE the hardest. It gets easier as time goes on. I'm working on my 5th anniversary this December. Look at it this way. If he's NOT cheating on you, NOT lieing to you, NO bad expensive habits, then the grass is definetely NOT greener somewhere else. You just need a way to light that flame again. You need time to yourself also, outside of being a wife and a mother. Please give it a long hard thought before reacting. Those thoughts entered my mind a handful of times thoughout my marriage so far, but they've gotten fewer and further in between. I hope this helps at least a little.

A. - I have read through the other responses and I have to say that some I'm in agreement with some for sure. You did make a commitment, and you shouldn't take your vows lightly. You did go through a lot right before you were married though, and those may be issues you are trying to deal with - so counseling may be a very good option for you. If your husband is not receptive to going together, then ask him to allow you to go on your own at least so that you can get what you need to fix 'you'.
Your daughter deserves to have both parents in her life - but not at the cost of being miserable (yelling and screaming 24/7) I've been working in a program at our church (Celebrate Recovery) and have discovered that most people who have issues have them due to problems in their family life when they were younger. If you get the help you need to make you feel better about yourself, and about your husband, it will be better for all of you together.
And most of all pray. If you don't attend church, start attending one - and if you can, do it all together. It's better for a family if everyone goes together. Shop around for one that suits you - if you don't have one, but make sure that you put God into the picture - when you took your vows He was there - so make sure to keep Him in the center of your marriage now!

I have been married for a little over a year and a half to my best friend. I know exactly what you are going through. My father cheated on my mother when I was 10 years old, and that hurt me a lot. It has ruined every relationship I have had. Even more so with my husband. My husband and I have been through a lot. He was abandoned by his mother when he was 7 years old...lived with his grandmother (who worked everyday all day long) and his sister who was 12. Then he went to live his father...who is now on his 5th marriage. You know where Im going with this? So, Im in a marriage where unfortunatly, my husband has to have female attention at all times to make him feel better. Its not physical but definatly verbal cheating. He talks to girls online all the time about sex. It hurts just as much as the physical cheating. However, we both love eachother, and when we are together (and happy) we are great. We have our fights ALOT cause I have a trust issue steming from my father. I havent been able to forgive my dad for cheating on my mother (they are still together) so how can I forgive my husband for doing it to me? My husband, unfortunatly is overseas in Afghanistan right now...and its going good for us, because we are away..and this seems wierd but Im begining to trust him more. I didnt know that I actually took him for granted until he left..and vice versa. He tells me all the time that when he gets back we are going to go on our honeymoon and couple counseling...cause we need it. We are a young couple and as we all know, young couples are not lasting in marriage lately. We both want to make it work. My advice is...if you are willing to stay by him and really try to make it work...go to counseling. Go away together for a little while. I thought at one time that we loved eachother for what we have...but we werent in love with eachother anymore. But the separation has def. taught me that I am in love with my husband and thinking about not having him by my side and being with another man...absolutely makes me sick to my stomach. If you guys talk about how you feel and you both feel the same way...I say separate for a little while and see what happens.
My husband and I have been off and on for 4 years...married for 1.5, its something I would never change..and my thought is...If werent meant to be we wouldnt have gotten back together.
I hope everything works out for you.

Hi A.,
I really think that we can all relate at some time or another. I would really like to suggest three things to you....
First, get this book by Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages." It really helps you and your spouse take a new look at each other's needs.
Second, have you ever considered counseling? I'm in no way trying to say that you have a problem, but it's really nice to have a third party to talk things through with and to get some help with your feelings. I never thought that I would need one, but I ended up going along with my husband and in the process found out a lot about myself.
And Third, maybe you and your husband need some sort of time to reconnect. Something as simple as a dinner date or maybe even a weekend away.
Best wishes!!

A.,
It looks like you've been inundated with advice already, so I'll try not to go on or repeat what's been said too much! Basically... think about what you mean by "passion". If your husband is your best friend and treats you and your daughter well, it sounds like you have what most people have.. in fact, more than many people have. I love my husband with all my heart, but neither of us look at each other with that "I must have you now" kind of passion that couples have in the beginning-- time and work and children take that out of you pretty quickly! But the great part is, I have a wonderful man who I know will always be here and who is my best friend.. and it sounds like you have the same thing. Remember, in 20 years, or 40 years, when you're both old and gray and wrinkled, you will still have a best friend.. the passion part comes and goes, but a best friend is hard to find. We all get a case of the "what-ifs" from time to time, but acting on it is a different story. It seems great and romantic when you see things like this in the movies, but ut seldom works out so well in real life. Talking it out can certainly help, whether you choose a counselor or just a friend or an impartial listener. Good luck!

I really don't know what to tell you except you have to think about what will make you happy. What kind of example are you wanting to set for your daughter? Do you love him enough to stay and are you willing to do with out the passion you rightfully deserve for someone who just treats you well? I was in a simular position but I wasn't willing to stay, also there were other factors that played into my filing for a divorce but I can honestly say I think my kids will be happier if I am happier and that I hope I am setting a good example for them on not settling for less than what I think I deserve. I want my kids to see me in a good and healthly relationship where we laugh, joke around, wrestle on the floor and sneek hugs and kisses in the kitchen. I want them to see that when there is a situation that we talk about it and not yell and that most importantly that I am in a relationship that brings out the better me. I don't know you and I don't know what all is going on in your marriage and there might be alot of people who will disagree with what I have said but it boils down to no one has to live your life but you so its up to you on what your willing to live with and what you won't. The part of him being very sensitive - I think it is great but your partner for life is suppose to be your best friend and in my opinion he should be someone you should be willing to talk to about anything even if it causes discomfort to one or the other. You deserve a life with someone who makes feel like there is no one else and your daughter deserves to see her mother in that kind of relationship after all she will see what a relationship is suppose to be like from you. I am not saying don't try to work on things because I know marriage is hard work (it's a job in itself) but all in all you deserve to be happy and your daughter will be happier and healthier if she sees you that way in your relationship. I am not saying its easy out there as a single mom, because it is far from it it. I am the type of person that never wants to sit back and say I wish I had done this and I wish I had done that. I have enough of those already at the age of 29 so I don't want anymore. I live my life for my kids and myself and I know I will be a better mom if I am making choices that I can live with and that make me happy. After all I believe in the saying "If moma ain't happy ain't no one gonna be happy." Hope this helps - V.. If ya ever wanna talk or just get something off your chest feel free to write ____@____.com

A.,The advice you've gotten to stay in the marriage is good.. you should try to hang in there. The counseling is a good idea, if you cant afford to go to one, try one at a church, they will help you through the rough parts. Marriage is very hard.. but it is fixable.. you mention that your hubby is a good guy - and he loes you and is a good provider.. you just arent in love with him anymore. Before you throw in the towel, see if you can bring that love back. You loved him once so there is a possibility you can again. Plan some romantic time together, sometimes as women we have to be the one to plan it cause the men are not very creative. Try to spark something in him that will make YOU smile. you know what you like better than anyone. Get a night out and go to dinner, or a movie. Think about the things you did in the beginning of your relationship and do those things again. It will bring it back! Hang in there!

if u are not happy get out because if you stay and when things get the worst of the worst and you finally do give up you will look back and beat yourself up for wasting so much time. Because when you do get out you will be much happier. It's not easy and it takes a little time but stay around the people who love you and do things with your daughter. Two parents can still raise a child and not be together. I was with my childrens father for 10 yrs. had 3 children and after the last child we just decided that was it and it wasn't like we didn't try for several times bc we did but 3 yrs later i am not mad with him only mad with myself for staying so long. I forgive him and we are friends now raising our children. More me than him but he has to answer for his choices. I am so much happier and i can think more clearly so i say try it one more time and if the spark doesn't light again (which i don't think it will) then get out and move on.

have the two of you tried counseling? and have you ever had passion for him before. if so you could probably get it back by doing some things to focus on just the two of you as a couple. check out this website for ideas and think about marriage counseling www.lovingyou.com

I'm sorry you're in such a confining situation. I think you already know the answer to your question and what you really want to know is how to go about it. First, divorce is h*** o* everybody involved but remember to keep things legal. Think about how a business would dissolve a partnership. Make sure you have your lawyer do the aggressive stuff and be on your best behavior. Don't give him any ammo to use against you cause he'll definitely try just to hurt you. He'll also threaten to take your daughter away but 9 times out of 10 it's just words to scare you and hurt you. Document everything!!! Also get yourself a job so that you're not so dependant on him and can store up some funds. You can't expect to pull the rug out from under him and he not do the same. Make sure you have a plan A & B before acting tho. Good luck!

I wish I could give you some advice like you wanted, but I thought you'd at least like to know that there are others out there with the same problem. My husband and I dated for 6 months before marriage and our daughter. I have the same fears about an emotional husband and loving being a mom but not wanting to break up the household. I just keep trying to communicate what I would like from my husband and hoping that with time things will get better. I just don't know how long I'm willing to wait. At least you know that you are not the only one.

I just married the love of my life in October. We fought like cats and dogs the first few years of our relationship, and I broke up with him because of his anger. I dated a couple of guys and another girl tried to date my ex. I was so jealous and couldn't figure out why and then it hit me. I was still in love with him. He got on Paxil because he has an anti-social disorder and everything has been so good after we lived alone for a while. We got closer and closer and realized how we had been taking each other for granted. Then we got married! Sometimes a break is all you need. You could always tell him you don't feel the passion anymore and want a seperation just for a month to take a break and live at your mom's for a month. I'll bet you will miss him so much, you won't even stay a month! Write to me if you would like. I'm a 27 yr old new stepmom. (He had a child from a previous relationship)

For what its worth; we all have to work for passion in our marriages, our lives, just like we have to work at our marriages, all of us. Even the job we've chosen to sweat blood and tears for, our children, and on and on. Passion doesn't come easily sometimes, but is never forgotten when displayed. I have always heard to get something or have something in your life, you gotta be that for someone else. That can be a hard thing to do when you feel like always the giver; but if that is truly the only thing you are looking for; missing, then it is a fixable situation. If I had to suggest something it would be to find something you BOTH enjoy and do it together. It could be anything...one thing I'll share that my husband and I have done for years now is we both give each other massages; 20 min each...esp. after our long days...does this always happen? of course not, but it is done with love and passion and it is something we have chosen to keep doing over the yrs. and so look forward to! Different things for different folks...Best Wishes!

Hi A.,

The passion and excitment of a new relationship is really fun and it makes us feel good. The truth of the matter is that marriage is work and there are days when every wife thinks about the "what ifs". Than doesn't mean we all want a divorce, it means that we have to work at it. Have you tried talking to a counselor? It might help you to understand and separate the feelings about the loss of your grandfather, the separation of your parents and the things that you are dealing with in your marriage. If you aren't happy with yourself, there is nothing he can do to make you happy.

Years ago (after ending a bad marriage and thousands of dollars worth of counseling), I decided that I was going to do the very best with each day I was given. There have still been good days and bad days, but I try to find the best I can in each day and each person. I'm happier now even on my bad days. My husband is no way a great romantic (like -- "oh, when you decide what you want for your birthday, go pick it up....."), but I try to appreciate the things that I could easily take for granted. He's a great provider, a great dad, and a pretty good husband. I love him even if I don't like him sometimes.

Good luck! I hope my story helps.

Hey A.--I am in teh same boat with you. I'm a 23 year old sahm to 2 boys- 3 and 20 month old. My husband and I will be married for 2 years in April. Finally after having 2 kids and buying a house he said lets get married. So we were together for a couple of years before we decided to tie the knot, but now after almost 2 years of marriage--I'm looking for a way out. I do love him but I don't know if its becuase he is the father of my kids or what. Everyone keeps sayign do what is best for your daughter--what about you? If you do what is best for you you will also do what is best for your daughter. Do you want her growing up seeig the 2 of you not speaking or not having a connection between you two? When she grows up and finnaly finds someone for her she is going to think that its okay for a marriage to be like yours--do you want that for her--or would you rather find someone that she can see that you are truely happy with? My husband and I have been through counseling and it still isn't going good. But right now I can't leave--I drop out of college becuase he wanted me to stay home and I have no degree now so there is no way I can provide for my sons. My husband is a very good provider--I got lucky with that, but when it comes to being a husband he lacks in some departments. I live now for my kids...that is all I know right now. I want to be happy with him..and I think you do too but you can't force love. A marriage I believe is 100/100 not 50/50. I think you need to sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling--thats the best thing right now and TRY to work it out--if it doesn't then atleast you know that you tried. If you need an ear or a shoulder my email is ____@____.com. I hope you think about yourslef, becuase the best gift you can give your daughter is a happy mom!!!

A. you sound so confused. I understand though. Even happy marriages go through their ups and downs. I would say that in the mean time don't worry about the what ifs about the ex. OK. Do what I do. I weigh the good and the bad. I have a wonderful husband and he's a wonderful father. Responsible in every aspect. Does not like to argue. Thank God!! HOWEVER he not a very passionate person. So when I weigh on one hand all the great things he has done for me and the kids, I can live with the fact that he's not as passionate as I am. What good will a passionate man do me if he CAN NOT:
cook
clean
pay the mortgage
pay the car notes
watch the kids
change diapers
feed the kids etc....
Now don't think for a minute that I have a B-tch as a husband, but when I need help with anything he's there.

So ask your-self. Does the good out weigh the bad. If it does try to go to counseling.

Good Luck!!

i think after having a child you start to have the feeling of being trapped. Maybe you need to sit back and evaluate the whole situation. Maybe there are some things that you need to change about yourself, that could make the marriage better. Marriage is not something that is suppose to be easy. bring God in your life and let him guide you. Good luck with everything.

So many moms spend all their time making other people happy that they forget that it is important to take care of themselves as well. If you are unhappy in your marriage, the right thing to do is tell your husband. It will hurt his feelings, yes. But it would hurt a lot more if he thought everything was fine and then all of a sudden you popped up ten years from now and destroyed what HE thought was a good marriage. Also, you will teach your daughter in the long run that her needs and wants aren't important. That when SHE grows up and gets married, its all about keeping her husband and kids happy. That could be a very bad situation if the man she marries is violent. Your children do everything you do. They learn from your mistakes and triumphs. Divorce isn't easy, but its better than staying with someone that doesn't make you happy. That's just a waste of time.

S.

A., if your not happy than dont stay woth someone and us the kids as an exuse. if you still love him than maybe it wouldnt hurt to tell him just how you really feel. maybe you need to spend some time away from him for a few days to get your mind right and just see how much you really miss him. when i say get some time away, i dont mean go to momma's or daddy. i mean you and the baby get away just you and her if no more than stay in a hotel for a few days. but if it comes to the point to where you see he isnt the one for you than now is the time when it would be best for a divorce if that is what it comes too. the reason why that is is because the baby is still young and can get over it a lot sooner now than when she gets older.

A.,
Hi my name is B.. I am 32 yrs. old that has been married for 10 (happy) years. At 19 I married my high school sweetheart, after 9mo.'s of marriage I left him (in the wrong way). Mind you I am really glad that I left him and meet my husband. I was also in the situation that you are in, at the beginning of our marriage I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I love the baby that is now with god but, I have to say that I am glad (to a point) because of the situation that you will be in if you were to leave your husband.
I am not sure if you are a christian but the first thing I would do is hit my knees and ask for some guidance. Then after a time of thinking this through I would talk to my husband. He does have a right to know what you are thinking and maybe he will understand and you two can work it out. Marriage and children are HARD. It is a 24/7 job. I will pray for you and your family. *I am sorry for your loss in your grandfather, I two have lost many loved ones*.
I hope that this helps, if you need anything don't hesitate to ask. In Christ Love, B.

Figure out what you want. Don't make any rash decisions based based off of other peoples experiences. You need to talk to your husband. You need to talk to your husband. You need to talk to your husband.....sorry broken record. Maybe he can help solve some of the problems in your marriage.

I just read most of the reponses and kinda wish there was a forum to discuss this. Who said anything about divorce?????? OMG How easy we give up.....and then everyone is so shocked to hear what the national divorce rate is. You should think about your children and the repercussions that your actions have because your CHILDREN are affected as well. I have a good friend who's parents stayed married for over 20 years for the kids and his mom said it was like retiring from a job she didn't care for but everyday was worth it because her kids grew up in a "happy" home and her kids never knew that anything was wrong. Think about that. Take Care