Need Advice in Dealing with My Step Child's Mom

This is going to sound hard but, since his mother is his mother, the best that you can do is to be kind and caring to the boy, and show as much support and understanding to both him and his mother as you possibly can muster.

He will ALWAYS love his mother whether or not she is a good mother. If he gets any vibe, however subtle, from anyone, that she is somehow lacking, he will just not know what to do with that, and it might really throw him for a loop. There is nothing to be gained by weakening that relationship. And, you are stuck with her too. So walk a mile in her moccasins and see if you can't find a few things about her that are great, and focus on those things only.

So, funnily enough, by helping him love and honor HER, you will model for him what a truly responsible and giving person IS, and you will earn his respect and love too over time without taking anything away from what they have.

You didn't explain exactly how she is neglectful, so I'm not sure if this response is appropriate to his situation or not but...

I was raised by my mother half the week and my father and stepmother for the other half of the week. Technically, my mother COULD have been described as neglectful and you could say I would have been "better off" with my dad. But I am glad I lived with both and I feel I grew to be a pretty good adult and parent as a result. My father was definitely the better parent as far as ethics, financial situation, stability,etc. are concerned, but my mother loved us very much and I learned a lot of good things from her too.

Here is the part that might put you at ease...
As far as the areas where my mother was lacking are concerned, it was o.k., because I had the good influence of my father to make up for it. I saw the difference in the lives of my two parents and I was able to see for myself which one was making good choices and which was making poor choices. I think I turned out quite well as a result of that. It was like having the "here's what to do example" and the "here's what not to do" example. And, as I said, my mother did love us very much and there were even areas where she gave us what our father and stepmother could not.

I applaud you for not saying anything negative about her to your stepson and for being cordial to her when he's around.

Good luck. You just do the best you can to be the best parent you can be and hopefully that should make up for his mother's shortcomings (I am assuming she is not abusive).

I am married and have step children as well. Their mother is not the best either. For a long time I was the same way. And it created alot of drama for my husband because he had me in his ear and then had her in his hear and sometimes he took her side and sometimes he would take my side. I soon realized that was not getting me anywhere and then she would turn her kids on me. I felt like something needed to change and it was my attitude. I could not worry what she was doing, how she was to the kids, all I could discuss it with my husband and I did it just like that. I remained more positive so he would feel like i was attacking her because she was the ex-wife. Now a year later after my positive attitude his children and I are a lot closer and bond more. She hates it but it is what it is. My husband is more opening to discussions about his children with me because he knows I am speaking from my heart now. So remaing positive will change the hole situation. And we are like you too we want the kids with us because that is the best interest. But you can not force a child to live with you because all you will get is rebellion. Try to form a positive relationship with his children and then hopefully they will see the love and happiness in your home and how it is not drama and will soon come and live with you. We are doing that and we hope in time the children will come live with us but if not we let them know we still love them deeply. Ping me and we can talk more about it if you want.

OK, here's a different perspective:

My mother is an extremely controlling, manipultative, dishonest and difficult person. My parents are not divorced, mind you, but she is a difficult person to live with.

Even though she is imperfect and we've had our issues, she LOVES me. That means more than her personality. She has given me the gift of having a role model in the business world, giving me all kinds of opportunities, BELIEVING that I can do anything I put my mind to... so many things that people who can't stand her couldn't possibly imagine. I'm glad no one ever interfered with my relationship with her. Now that I'm a parent and an adult, I've learned to accept her for who she is and love her imperfections and all. Honestly, I dread the day I lose her. I'm nearly forty and I still need her. I recognize that now more than I did when I was 12 or even 24. If anyone had "rescued" me from her when I was a teenager, I'd have jumped at that. But what teen doesn't want to trade their parent for another model? But I would have lost what I have now. Now I would not trade her for the world.

No matter how worried you are about your step-son, unless he is coming to you with bruises or deep fears, let if alone. She gave birth to him and loves him more than any other human being on earth. She doesn't have to be perfect or even likable. She's his mom.

You can give him your gifts, she can give him hers. You don't need to put any energy into the parts of her you dislike or the parenting tactics you disagree with. She carried him in her womb and that deserves respect.

You be supportive when you can and remain positive. If things are truly neglectful, document and make paper trails of every thing bad that is happening over there. If you really feel the need, don't be afraid to be firm to your husband, but in the meantime, be steady and neutral.

If something happens (which seems to happen quite a lot) you will have it all documented if you have to fight for more custody.

Wow - you wrote exactly what I feel! I have actually had anxiety attacks over having to write her name on an envelope sending her a new insurance card. Dealing with my step-son's mother has been a very difficult process for me. He is 15, will be 16 in December. There are days I have to remind myself, "Three more years, three more years" just to get through the day. It makes it hard when she calls to ask for more child support on Monday, and then emails us on Wednesday to tell us they will be taking a cruise this summer. She would rather be her son's friend, rather than a mother who truly cares about his well being. Because of her, he is taking summer school, and we had to pay half, which is $250. On top of the $1,000 we currently pay a month for child support, let me tell you WE are not taking any cruises this summer. We are also expected to buy him clothes every time we see him. My husband and I both know he would be better off with us, but right now that just isnt possible due to my husband's work. I have tried to tell myself that I need to "detatch" from the situation, not care what she is doing, or why, but it makes it very difficult when she pulls something that we know is just hurting my step son.

All I can say is, just hang in there. We have been to counselors to get advice on how to handle this situation, and have been told that children naturally gravitate to intact, happy families. Over time he will see that you only want the best for him, and come to appreciate that.

Sorry for rambling, it is just nice to see someone in the same boat that understands. If you ever feel like you need to vent, please feel free to send me a message.

K.

It is hard, but all you can do is provide a good, loving example for him when he's at your house. It is sad, but you can not "save" all the poor kids out there with poor role models at home unfortunately. The only thing that can be done is for their father to work with their mother, as hard as that may be. Over time perhaps he can work with her to do things differently etc. My husbands ex-wife had their teenagers on pretty much every medication under the sun to medicate them into submission.....It was a long, long road, with many phone calls, some unpleasant for him with her, but they're off the majority of their meds. Granted, they're still pretty "lost" as young adults, but you can only do what you can do and then leave the outcome to be........Good luck!

I'm a stepmother. I came into my stepson's life when he was 2. He will be 20 next month. It's been a tough road. She was all about hating dh, and denying visitation. It was her way or no way. Usually we just went along. One time we tried to change a weekend, and the result was she denined us for more then 2 years. Going to court was out of the question. Any discord with her caused her to take it out on the child. So, we tried to go along with her. My stepson is in college, and a genius, but pretty socially backwards. She never let him do anything, or go anywhere. We always felt like we would be better parents because we would have had him join things, and such - but he would not have had the grades he had. So, it's a give and take.

It's difficult. You really have to detach from what she does, and just love your ss when he is with you. It's good you don't talk bad about her. We never did either. She however, put us down constantly.

I really thought that when he went to college, we would have a better relationship, but that hasn't happened. He's pulled away from both parents. Of course he still lives with his mom during school breaks. His stepfather hates him and wants him out - which is the only reason she let him go away to college. I still feel he would be better if this was his home base, but he still doesn't want to hurt his mother. She's very controlling. If he came here, she would cut him out of her life completely, I'm sure. As I said, it's hard - a delicate balance.

How would his situation be better? If his job prevents you from getting custody, I am assuming it is because he is not home enough.