My son age 22 has been dating his girlfriend for 1 year now and we see less and less of him. Even on holidays he can't spend the day with us without running over to her house sometimes more than once a day. He and I have a close relationship and we talked about this and he confessed to me that she doesn't feel comfortable around us. That our family dynamic is very different than hers. We kind of "chop" on each other kidding around, which she doesn't think is funny ,we watch a lot of TV shows that in her opinion are stupid, they like to play games in her home. Our family has a European background with a tough skin and can be a bit sarcastic at times, but certainly not to the extent of being rude to one another. There's a tremendous amount of love and closeness in our small family and we would do anything for each other.
My son asked if we could have a game night once a week so maybe she would start to loosen up. You know, I feel as if she is coming into OUR family and should try and adapt. Not the other way around. I also resent the fact that she keeps my son from his family. I have NEVER had anyone say they felt uncomfortable in my home, on the contrary, my daughter and son both always had friends over and still do, and love to hang with us! But when my son and girlfirend are here she hangs all over him and isolates him from us. He turns into a different person. I know she and him need to mature and they don't plan on getting married yet ...thank GOD but it concerns me never the less. I welcome any comments..... thank you!!
Thank you all for your input. I will take all comments into consideration. It's really hard to judge how someone is just by reading an e-mail, so some things I wrote could have been misinterpreted. I am not a mom who hovers or tries to control my kids in any way. They have always felt free to make their own decisions and are well adjusted independent young adults. The issue really was about how far our family should go to accommodate my son's girlfriend, and if anyone had experienced a similar situation. I like the meeting in the middle comment. I will always welcome her into my home and try to make her feel comfortable as I always have, and even have her over for game night, however, I can't change who I am and don't expect my family to either.
Thanks guys, this has been very helpful!
Have a a game night! You might wind up enjoying it. I have never really been into games & about a month ago I played Apples to Apples (I think this was the name)at someones house & loved it. Teach her that everyone should adapt to each other's way of life. It doesn't mean that you should change the way you do everything. It just means that there are different ways to have fun & we should all be willing to try something new sometime.
I can see your frustration with the situation and I agree that you shouldn't have to change, but...
Your son's girlfriend seems either insecure about fitting in to your close knit crew or she is controlling. I think it would be best to do as your son suggested and try a game night. This way you can have done your part to welcome her and the rest is up to her. If she still keeps away, she is most likely controlling and at least you will then be able to know what your son is getting in to by spending time with her. On the other hand, she may accept your invite and you may find that she was just a bit insecure about fitting in to your family and that she really is as wonderful as your son thinks she is.
If you ignore this and do nothing, you may lose your son to a controlling wife or an insecure recluse. I know you said they need to mature before marriage is suggested, but love can happen quick and blindly and he may just end up marrying her.
I wish you luck!
As a Marriage and Family Therapist I have a different perspective from some of the responses you've received. You clearly state you are resentful of this girl because your son wants to spend time with her. Do you really think she doesn't feel this when she comes into your home? If you resent her then she isn't welcome. In addition, your attitude that she needs to adapt to you and your way of doing things doesn't exactly scream welcome either. It can be difficult to be the "outsider" in a "close" family. Also, just because you don't think your "chopping" on each other or sarcasm rises to the point of rudeness doesn't mean she doesn't. She may not see that you would "do anything for each other." The fact that you are not willing to modify your behavior slightly for someone your son cares about belies that statement. Please don't make the mistake in thinking that your son won't marry this young woman. He might. He is already telling you that if it is a choice between spending time with her or you that he will pick her. She can't "isolate" your son without his consent. Instead of being so defensive, you might want to look at this through your son's and his girlfriend's position. It's hard, but being willing to look at your actions and attitudes, and what's underlying them, would be more productive than the blame game you're playing now. If you make a real effort to make her feel welcome and she still has issues with you then your son may see the relationship more clearly. Right now, he sees himself as her defender. Good luck.
My husbands family is very different then mine. My family sounds much like yours where as my husbands family is very reserved or should I say passive aggressive. It can be hard but I have learned to adjust. One thing that bothers me is when my mother in law trys to get involved in our personal life. Your son is an adult I am afraid you should just butt out unless you want him to resent you as my husband does his mother now. My mother in law is always accusing me of taking him away from his family (she did this before we were married). He is 33 years old and can make his own decisions. I do not take him away from his mother she smothers him and expects so much that you just want to leave. Are you sure you are being reasonable?
I have a different perspective than the others. Yes, it would be nice if the girlfriend would conform to your family style... Having said that, if you want to see more of your son, you need to make an extra effort to make her feel more comfortable. Sometimes it's better to be the bigger person instead of being the person who is "right." I'd rather schedule a game night than miss out on an opportunity to spend time with my son. Who knows, you might find that you like game night. And she might really warm up to you if she sees that you are making an effort. It certainly can't hurt!
good luck!
You sound like a very loving mom - don't worry, your son is years away from choosing a wife. The average age for marriage and children these days is in the early thirties.
That being said, I have a couple of observations, both from my experience as being a girlfriend in years past. When you are young and immature, like you mentioned, you are very insecure - that is more likely what is keeping your son's girlfriend from spending more time with your family - it has nothing to do with you or your family dynamic. Insecurity isn't a fun emotion for her or for the people around her. Your son at this age is doing just what other 20 year old boys are doing - hanging out with his girlfriend. This is all pretty normal behavior. The good news is that when he finally grows up a bit he will probably choose to settle down with a more mature woman. The unfortunate news is that once he settles down, he will spend more and more time with his new family. The best way to stay connected to your children, is to love them and their partners and to be understanding when they need space and to accept them with open arms when they need your company.
AHHHHHHHHHH...boys and girlfriends...welcome to my world. I have 3 sons and a daughter.
Congratulations! You have raised a son that is flexible and adapts well to being in someone else's home. Unfortunately, his girlfriends parents didn't do the same thing.
First, it is not your responsibility to make your son's girlfriend comfortable in your home. You are not in control of her feelings. She is in control of her own feelings. It is your responsibility to be kind, to treat her like a guest, etc. Do not take on responsibility for her feelings.
Second, make it your son's responsibility to help her feel more comfortable. Let him plan the game night. Ask him what he needs help with and do that for him. If that makes her more comfortable then that is great. If she is not more comfortable ask your son to ask her what he can do to help her feel more comfortable. Keep the responsibility on her to communicate and on him to help her. If you take on the responsibility for helping her be more comfortable that may end up being a lose/lose situation for you.
Third, suggest that they spend more time at your house. Gently suggest that he may be more comfortable at her house because he has spent more time there. Now with them at your house more she will either get more comfortable or being uncomfortable will run her off. Either way is a win/win situation for you.
The girlfriends are probably going to come and go for awhile. But, the key is to maintain a good relationship with your son. Talk to him. Ask him with what characteristics are important to him in a girlfriend, etc. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open with your son.
Good luck!
On the getting married thing my husband was 19 years old when we got married (this new year we will be together 5 years). Some guys do become men and seek that family sooner than others. On the the problem you are facing I say do things to where she can get to know you all. Try sharing old photos with her and family stories. Maybe look in to do things together outside your home so she will see how you are in other places. The game night is not that bad of an idea. But I can tell you no matter how hard I tried with the in-laws we are just different and nothing can change that. I am a firm believe in you should not have to change everything you are. I like the idea of your husband, son, his girlfriend and you having a dinner. Start small and then add everyone into the mix. I do not get alone with my in-laws as well as they and my husband would like but that does not mean that I forgot how to be respectful while in there home and I have opened my home up to them.
I think a dose of 'reverse psychology' is in order. When they're at your house, start treating her as if she's already 'part of the family' (or at least as if you expect her to be). Show her pics and schoolwork of your son when he was little. Talk as if you expect them to be together forever. Include her on family outings, 'assuming' that she will participate. This will either cement their bond (if it's meant to be) or scare her away (if it's not meant to be).
Go ahead and have them over for a game night once in a while (not necessarily on a weekly 'schedule' if you're not 'scheduled' people). It couldn't hurt!
Also, sometime when you and your son are together having a pleasant conversation, ask him if he 'likes' (is happy with) the ways HE's having to adapt -- change his natural behavior -- to accommodate her. He needs to at least think about that, because, whatever a BF/GF STARTs doing with a potential spouse (to 'get along' with them), it either has to be continued indefinitely or the whole marriage goes 'kaput'.
My parents always kidded around with each other, being the only girl with 2 brothers we grew up ribbing each other. When I met my husband's family, they ribbed each other more than my family did. At times it made me uncomfortable. I know they were only teasing but sometimes it was so mean. I learned to go with the flow and if it was a time when I was more emotional, being pregnant, we would limit our visit. My SIL's family also drink a lot, which I don't agree with so when the drunkeness gets to a certain level we normally leave. I think it would be nice if you extended a game night invite, to show that you want to make your sons girlfriend feel welcome. If you do not try to make her feel welcome your son will just end up staying with her and your relationship will suffer. My mom never felt, even now, comfortable with my dad's parents. My dad chose to stay with my mom and not with his family. Growing up I hated to go over there. I would rather spend time with my moms parents, because they always made everyone feel comfortable and welcome. Dads parents were more of the mindset that this is my home and you can take it or leave it. Most of the time we chose to leave it.
I have 3 married kids, 2 daughters in law. One is similar to your son's girlfriend, very different to our family. There is no changing, and they are close to their family. You loose your sons to the dil's family. They come, but it is not the same ever again. As long as the sons are happy with their wife, that is all I can expect. My dil's are good people, and luckily I have a daughter.
In my opinion, she shouldn't want to keep your son from his family. If they are serious about each other and think there is a possibility of them getting married someday, then she needs to realize that you are all his family & she can't change you all!!
I don't think my family has ever done something different to accommodate a significant other. If she is not comfortable with the way your family is, then how can she be attracted to your son?? Everything about him comes from his family and how he was raised!
hey, you might just have fun playing games with the family. my kids grew up playing games because we couldn't afford to go out to do anything. i feel like it wouldn't hurt to reach out to the girl friend and that is an act of love for your son to try to include his girlfriend. if it doesn't work out for the better at least you tried. please don't shut her out by say this is the way it has always been and we aren't going to change for you or anyone. maybe she is very shy and insacure. just try to keep an open mind and the plus side would be ,your son would be around more. thing really change when they (kid) get to the age where they have real girl friends and boyfriends. you will have to get to know the grown up son all over again. none of mine are the same as they use to be. there morles are set but they became there own people. its cool. mine are 29,28, 27, 25, 21, 11, 9, god bless and look forward to the future with you adult children. mom of 7, R.
Ilona,
From the perspective of a Daughter In Law who still does not feel comfortable in my in-laws house after 15 1/2 years of marriage....may I humbly suggest that you make an effort to help her feel more comfortable. I love my in laws, my mother in law always tries to make everything perfect for our visits (we are in the military so we do not live near either set of parents). I still do not feel comfortable even getting a snack for my kids there without asking for her permission. Granted that is not the same type of issue as your son's girlfriend has at your home, but it is still the issue of discomfort.
Your son has asked for a simple activity of playing games when he and his girlfriend are over....try it, you may actually enjoy it....it may give you more opportunities to joke around and poke fun at each other....we always find ways to have fun with each other when we are playing card games or board games. (You might say that both my family and my husband's family are a tad bit sarcastic and like your family in poking fun at each other) Having said that, we do ALL modify our behavior when we are in company with people who do not find our sense of humor quite so humorous. It is a simple matter of courtesy to others and respecting their feelings.
Good Luck as you navigate this situation.
T.
My husband felt the exact same way that your son's girlfriend does. We have very different families. I was raised by a single mother who maintained a "no holds bar" attitude, she was very direct, very adamant about her opinions, and first and foremost she was a parent and what she said went and she didn't care who was around when she said (even if she was yelling it). My husband, on the other hand, was raised with both parents married, he has a younger brother, go are a Christian family. His grandfather is a minister. They didn't do a lot of yelling. His mother is very passive and his father is very quiet. My husband could not adjust to the way my family was. We spent a majority of the time at his house. When we were at my house - we were in my room or outside away from everyone else. It stayed like that until we were married. Even now (I've been with my husband 17 years), my husband isn't comfortable with my family. He is nice and polite and he talks to my mother but he is definitely not the same. One thing I never did was ask my mom to be like his family. It just never crossed my mind. I knew that my family would always be my family no matter what, I had no control over that. My husband and I had several discussions about my family and how he was uncomfortable around them and I basically told him that if he loved me and was intent on being married to me then he would have to accept my family that they would never change. The key word is that your son's girlfriend is going to have to "accept" his family for the way they are and she is going to have to decide for herself to be comfortable around you and your other children. I personally don't think you should go out of your way to change who you are or how you live in your home. As far as him being isolated from his family....I think that's pretty normal. Most boys/men are going to choose being with their girlfriend over being with mom and dad any day. I wouldn't sweat too much over that because IF they get married, it will change. Also, once their relationship matures and they are grow out of the lusty, head-over-heels, in love stage - that will calm down too.
Yes, she should adapt and accept. IF they plan to marry, you will all be together for a very long time. Different lives are a good balance. Our family was a very overwhelming family, and VERY different from the "norm", but to know us was too love us!!! Good luck and God Bless.
Have you tried having her at your house for a casual meal
with just you, your husband, your daughter and your son?
Then you could have her again some time with her parents.
Try meeting in the middle. Have the game night, but don't change who you are. She'll either loosen up and feel welcome or she won't... but you can say you tried either way. I'm sure your son would appreciate that you put forth the effort. :)
I can see how you feel that you shouldn't have to adapt to this girl coming into your home. But, if you want your son to be happy and to spend time at home with her instead of going off, you might want to try to talk to her and find out what she likes to do and tell her that you want her to have a good time at your house. Sometimes, going out of your way for someone really helps that person warm up to you. You also might find that everyone has a good time. If this doesn't work, just keep trying to be the better person. Your son will realize that you made an effort and then maybe SHE will be the one who needs a good talking to by him. Hope this helps.
She sounds like a stuffed shirt and a snob. What does your son see in her or her family? She can't keep your son from his family - he makes his own choices. She might think she can change your son, but relationships based on that almost never work out. I'd try introducing him to other nice girls and see if another one can catch his eye. Finding the right person involves both of them seeing other people. They don't need to be in an exclusive relationship yet.
some people just dont get along. I dont get along with my hubbys dads side, i normally dont go to family functions or if i do i just keep to myself and keep the kids happy. dont change your life to suit her but dont be mean either
Im in the same boat. Im also blow away with some of the attacks.
I too come from a European background and my sons father has not been part of our life since he was 6 mos old snd he died lmost 10 years ago.
The first year they were together I never heard a word about her till she demanded to meet me.
When I met her, she said not one word but wanted to get to know me. When i opened up to her she shut me down and then demanded I meet her family. I did not even know her, and I declined because I felt it was inappropriate. If I had know her better it may have been OK.
Two years have passed and i try to see my son now and then, but I am most uncomfortable around her. Its all about her family and my son goes along with her. In the meantime, i have started to make new friends and create a new life. I need to let go.
I think you need to live your life. I think you need to let go and if there is a wedding back up. Let them take the ead. If you can help, great. If not, decline.
I was told by my son and his girlfriend that parents are not to be considered and children are to lead their lives. Im going to give them what they ask for. Im going to give them as much rope as they need and hopefully they won't need help.
I believe rhat eventually water will seek its own level, and my son will get it if he hasnt by now.
Theyve been together so long unmarried that making a committment will lead to a short lived marriage. For now I say not a word. I dont ask wuestuons. I stay out of the way.
I might need to do anything and maybe you wont either. My sons uneasiness suggest to me that he is not that comfortable about what he has gotten into. The same may go threw you sons mund too.
Keep to and be true to yourself, be nice but reserve to the girl, and say little.
