My Son Falls Apart When Tired

He's tired. He is not flexible about his evenings. Let him be as he is and soon enough he will change. Children often are exhausted around 5:00 in the evening.
Mine were. I had to remember to bring a snack when I picked them up at day care or there might be a fit thrown just as soon as I opened the front door.
Once I brought snacks (peanut butter and celery, a bag of tamari nuts, juice in a small bottles) the crazy behavior stopped.
Still dinner had to be timely. It was hunger that got them. However, they were not children who stayed up late. Seven thirty was bedtime and it was years before we could shop or do other things on weekdays.

It sounds like you've already gotten good feed back. I agree, sounds like he is just tired and loses control. I was just thinking, if I was kept up past my usual bedtime, I would get cranky too. And if he's not getting enough sleep at night, that can affect him the next day as well.
Good luck

Hi S.,

My grandson if he is tired gets the same way. Perhaps if you can put him down in the afternoon as "quiet time" for 1/2 hour 45 minutes (no longer) this might be wise. Just tell him mommy is going to lay down and rest and your two kids can rest too. Maybe you can have them on their beds and have them play quietly - sometimes they will sleep for a short time.

SAH
Mom, Nana, and Wellness Coach

I found that when my children were going through growth spurts (that usually lasted 6 months or so) they were more likely to have temper tantrums.

You are asking too much. My seven & a half year old still has this problem. Some adults still can't behave very well if they don't get their sleep & they can't figure it out. Yes, children need a lot of regulation when it comes to bedtime.

Hello S.,
My son is now 6 and when he gets tired he just acts up too. He's just more uncooperative and its funny to us now because its such a big physical reaction that you know he must be tired because he doesnt ordinarily start whining, and he just seems quite irritated overall. I can only say he must be overspent especially since you say he doesnt act this way normally. I wouldnt say he had a behavioral issue if its only at bedtime. Just keep working at it, sounds like your doing a good job.

I think it's a sign he's overspent, perhaps by 1/2 hour or more already, or he wouldn't act out. My son is fabulous, but he hasn't napped regularly in forever, and when he's tired, he's tired. He's put himself to bed (especially when he's sick, and wants to sleep more).

Remember, too, that some kids need more sleep than others. Perhaps, if you know you will be out far beyond his bedtime, encourage him to take a nap that day. I do this with my two kids, and that ensures a happy late evening, and then they are still well rested the next day, too.

I think of times when I'm just too tired, and all I want to do is bawl. I have the option of choosing bed, though--and that's exactly what I do! :)

I'm really enjoying a book right now called "What your explosive child is trying to tell you". I don't know if it will help, but it can't hurt and may give you some great info and ideas.

My daughter does this. She's 6 and a half. Routine is the key. If we miss the 7-7:30pm window for starting the bedtime routine, we're in for it. :) Sometimes you have to push it for special events and things, but you also have to expect to pay the price. We just know the time and as much as she tries to tell me she's not tired, I know better and start our bedtime routine on time. Good luck!

It honestly does seem like he may be tired. Have you tried moving his bed time earlier by half an hour, every night? Perhaps he actually just needs a bit more sleep than he is getting. It may actually make more variation in his nightly bed time, because he may end up going to bed even earlier on nights that you are home, but, perhaps the extra sleep will help him be more flexible.

Just an idea. One of the sleep books i read made the point that if you wait until your kid 'seems tired' to put them to bed it is too late - maybe your normal bedtime is just a little bit too close to his 'too tired' time.
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good luck!

I think your son is just tired. Heck I get that way as well if I really need to go to sleep and don't have the opportunity to do so. I'd help him out by giving him an earlier bed time. Make sure you don't push him over the edge.

If you do have plans - schedule a slow quiet period earlier in the day - so hopefully he can rest up. Don't under estimate the power of food as well - some nutritious snacks may be in order.

My daughter did that (and still does a little at 5 1/2). They key for her has been 1 1/2 hour quiet time to play by herself in her room in the middle of the day and an ultra early bedtime for a little over a year. She stopped napping right before she turned 4 and had a 6pm bedtime until after she was five. Everyone always asked how I could get her to go down that early but it really wasn't that hard because she was exhausted. We just did her bedtime routine and she was out even before her 2-year-old brothers! It sometimes cut into our evening plans but it was worth it because her behavior was so much better (and it was just for the short term). There were advantages to the schedule too. We could put her down, get a babysitter and go out or have people over still with plenty of evening time to enjoy! It was a challenge in part because of our uncertainty over whether it was just due to her age, her personality, something we'd done wrong as parents or tiredness. Once we'd addressed the tiredness with the super-early bedtime, it was easier to figure out the rest. Good luck!

I think you may be expecting too much of him. My kids are 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 and they need quiet in the evenings before bed. They also need their bedtimes. My daughter especially needs to go to bed on time each night. If they are up later than normal they are harder to get to bed and they tend to break down more. My kids also do not take naps and haven't since they were both about 2 years old. My advice is to stay home and get them to bed on time. That doesn't mean you can't occasionally go out to dinner with them. Just do it on the earlier side of things so they aren't up too much past bed time. I try to not keep them up more than an hour past their bedtime and it is only on rare occasions that we do that. As far as having people over, we ask they come over a little later so we can get the kids to bed first or they know that we will have to step away to put them down. Your son is having fits because he is overstimulated and needs some down time before bed. Keep your social life, just recinfigure it so your sons needs come first. He won't be this needy forever so hang in there.

Our daughter turned 4 in July and is turning into a handful! She does much the same when she is tired. She still take naps unless something comes up and we need to be gone.

But, if we are out and get back late in the afternoon, too late for a regular nap 2-3 hours, I will tell her to take a little laydown. She will lay down and watch a cartoon or dvd and sometimes fall asleep for 30-60 minutes. This little powernap can help the household a great deal!

So even though your son no longer naps he may need some slow down time once and a while. We have been through this with our older kids as well when they were younger, we call it "negative energy"!

Good luck.

Hello S.,
I will be graduating in June with my degree as an Early Childhood Education and Care Specialist. I think you may have answered your own question:) Children need a consistent bedtime, period. Children need consistent routines to be able to cope well with daily stress. It is unreasonable to expect him to keep it all together when his bedtime is pushed aside for other evening activities, especially evening grocery shopping. Any type of store is a high stimulant environment, and hard for young children to handle when they are at the end of their day. He is only 4 1/2, and will not have the social skills that adults have of regulating stress when tired until he is much older. Good luck!

IN Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, "Sleepless in America", she
found in her research that if a child or adult goes from a half hour to an hour past their bedtime, they are jet lagged. In her 30+ years as a parent educator, she has come to the conclusion that many behavior challenges stem from inconsistant sleep and meal routine. I wonder if this behavior may be a signal to check into Sensory Processing.
Crying, falling apart, etc many times is a way kids process the day. It is their way of saying I am on sensory overload. Wishing you the best.

Hi S.,

Lots of empathetic mamas chiming in! I just wanted to add two things: one, if you are looking for a book that explains a lot of this, "The Science of Parenting" by Margo Sunderland is wonderful. It is just some good, solid parenting information based on human brain development (it's remarkably easy to read). I love that it makes a lot of common-sense points and gives the reader a reality check on what is appropriate to expect of children and what is perhaps a societal expectation but beyond the capacity of a young child. It's funny, too, because we adults think our kids are so old and developed and really, well--they just aren't.

The other thing I would suggest--only because you didn't mention it in your post) is making sure your son has *at least* a half-hour of quiet playtime each day. This could be playing alone in his room or another designated space or laying on his bed and looking at books or coloring pictures/pounding playdough. The objective is that the child has time to be completely focused on what they want to do without having to negotiate with siblings or others. I've discovered over the years that this is one way to give our kids a chance to relax and makes the afternoon more pleasant. Many children I have cared for went to a half-day preschool and really needed some down-time after they had arrived home and had a snack. Kids at home are no different; after a busy morning, setting aside some regular time each afternoon for them to quietly engage in a favorite activity (not tv/computer games, by the way, which seems to have an opposite affect)and most importantly, time in which they are on their own schedule and no one else's, helps immensely. Having time to one's self can really soften how the afternoon goes because their internal batteries are 'recharged'.

Best wishes!
H.

It's absolutly normal and boys are harder then girls when it comes to impluse control.

He is 4..why should he be more flexible? Kids NEED their sleep even more then we do. At 4, his brain is not developed enough to control his reaction to being tired.
We have a 4 yr old boy and he will totally lose control if he doesn't get to bed at a decent hour and he does nap during the day for at least an 1 and a half!
Did he stop napping because he wouldn't sleep? You may want to try laying him down for naps (or at least rest) time during the day.

What time are you putting him to bed? His bedtime might be too late. This is for sure a child who isn't getting enough sleep. Yes, you should plan the things you want to do around his sleep schedule *most* of the time. A few late nights a month should be ok, but expect a meltdown..

My husband and I used to call this "over-tired." Our kids are now 14 and 9 but I remember this vividly. We found that if we let our child get into this state it was more difficult than normal to put them down for the night. I recommend putting him down a bit earlier if possible. It's certainly a temporary problem, someday sooner than you think, they are very capable of staying up much later than you. :-) Good luck to you, you will get through it.

Same problem- my daughter just falls apart in the evening and simply cries until she gets upstairs to bed. in our case, i know that she's truly tired. She also stopped napping around 2.5 and seems to need 12 hrs a night. So we've stopped making any evening plans and she is sound asleep for the night between 6:30 and 7:30 every night, sometimes as early as 6:00! If there's something we have to do at night that I can't avoid (or a special event that i really want to go to) I will try to drive her somewhere in the afternoon because sometimes she'll fall asleep in the car and can then stay up a little later.

But if i were you, I'd rearrange your evening schedule to accommodate your son's sleep needs. (behavior is a means of communication) and remember that it won't last forever!

S.,
I think that all children do this when tired...mine does it (almost 3) - I think we've all seen kids do it at stores...it's just something they do and when they're doing it sometimes I have to admit it makes me wonder what is going on...but then I have to remember, she's 2, or 3 or whatever and is just unable at this point to fully communicate to me what she wants or needs and so, the tantrum/fit takes place...

it's just one of those things that happens and then you have to take it in stride...

it's no fault of yours or theirs - they just can't really control their emotions at that age fully and are growing and tired

heck, when I'm tired I get cranky sometimes too...

Kids need routine and when you upset that routine, they get upset. Yes he needs a bedtime at the same time each night. He doesn't take a nap because you don't make him take one. If you really want to keep up your evening life then get a sitter and when it is friends visiting you then take a timeout from visiting and put him to bed. Where is the younger one in all of this, asleep in a carseat? My kids have a later bedtime then I did when I was their age but it works for us, mine are 5 and 7 and still go to bed at 7:30-8:00 on school nights and 8:00-8:30 on non-school nights and they sleep for 12 hours most of the time if not longer.

S.,

My son will be 6 in October and still does this when he's tired. He'll turn into a monster worse than his 2 year old sister. At this time when he's super tired he can also get really aggressive.

Kids really need a routine that they can count on. Their worlds are so out of control, in their minds, that the predictability of said routine is a comfort to them. Maybe to curb the meltdown maybe have some extra quiet time during the day to counteract the change in routine. Or have that extra quiet time the day after as a way to recuperate.

Good luck!
Melissa

It might be interesting to see what a few months of a very strict bedtime might do for your son -- meaning, making sure he goes to bed at exactly the same time each night. I'm also curious how late he goes to bed on the evenings you go shopping or out to dinner. I've found that our little ladies (ages 1 and 3) really can't make it beyond a certain point in the evening, and it makes our lives incredibly more pleasant to make sure we are home in time for our regular jammies/toothbrushing/storytime routine. We have passed up opportunities knowing this, and while it was sad at the time, we knew ultimately it was best for our girlies, and thusly, us. :)