My Husband Left and I Need Help....

Call the AG's office and see if he can be placed on child support. However, once he is, you can't do much about him seeing the baby--they'll just go after the money. I'm sorry this has happened and I feel that this very same situation is about to happen to me but I think I'll be the one leaving. It's a scary situation but you've made me see that it can be done. Thanks!

I am so sorry to hear about this! Sounds like a jerk! Take it from me---you cannot force a relationship between them. I am divorced from my son's father and I have never pushed them to have a relationship. I have always been supportive, just not pushy. Now my son has a stepdad that he calls dad and he doesn't see his biological dad. I don't even call my ex his real dad. My ex is nothing to him anymore and my son (now 11) has told me he wants to change his last name to my hubby's. He was 3 when we divorced so he barely remembers him anyway. He didn't even call my son at Christmas. I know this is not the ideal situation for every broken home, but if the relationship has to be forced, then it's just going to cause more pain for the child. You and your kids are going to be fine! You seem to have your "ducks in a row" as far as what you need to do to move on. If he willingly wants to see her, then be supportive. But she doesn't need that kind of instability in her life. The "real dad" is not always the best in every situation. Good Luck and hang in there!

Sorry you're going through this.

Bottom line. You can not control the other people's actions. You can only control how you respond to them.

Since you are now the primary parent for your children, it is your obligation to ensure that they have the most stable loving home possible. This means setting boundaries and expectations.

It is your husband's decision whether or not he sees his daughter, you have no control over what he wants to do. It is up to you, however, to speak only kindly of her father to her and to shelter her from the dissapointment of "plan changes". It is also up to you to ensure that your children have a regular and predictable schedule to help them adjust to these new changes.

If he decides that he wants to see her, it needs to be consistent, and within the boundaries that have been agreed upon, ie not at bedtime.

If you act as your children's ambassador and make decisions with their best interest at heart, you will do great. It sounds like you are on the road to success. Keep your decisions and actions in line with your goals, and you will do great! Best of luck to you!

First let me applaud you on taking the first steps for YOU and your kids. Give yourself a pat on the back girl - you went back out there and got a job and you're going back to school.

Everyone can give you advice, but you're the one who has to do it. Every day is going to be different, ups and downs, but I guarantee that every day you're going to get a little bit stronger and things will get a little bit easier. You can't make anyone be a parent or a husband.

IMO, I wouldn't disrupt your daughter's schedule for him. He should respect that and abide by it. Sounds like he DOES have his priorities mixed up, but you can't do anything about that - only he can. Sounds like he's young and unfortunately, isn't ready to be committed to you or his daughter. He may come around one day, but you shouldn't put your life on hold for him. You're on the right path of taking care of things and whatever is meant for you - is going to be for you. You just have to be willing to accept it.

Good luck and stay PRAYED up!

Honestly, I can't say it any better than the people before me. I totally agree. You need to move on for your sake and the sake of your children. He isn't worth it.

I would like to say for the record that my parents divorced when I was nine. It was probably the best thing that ever happened. I don't know who or where I would be today if he had any part of raising my sister or myself. You know the old saying- let them go, if it was meant to be (and you still want them) they will come back. His priorities are all wrong and you don't need to raise another child. Take care of yourself and watch out for your childs best interests. The less I saw my father when I was younger, the better I was off- remember they are the ones we take after. As for now, my father and I are great FRIENDS- he has never really been a father but I forgive him, and he will forever know that he is my FRIEND. I don't mean to sound harsh- but I have so much more respect for my mother for what she has gone through and has truely taught me what it took to be a strong woman. You've got to make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present...Good luck and we will be praying for you!

The way it sounds, sweetie , is that you need to see about the divorce asap. My dtr went thru hell last year and her ex decided one day he just wasn't bringing her boys back, after having them one weekend. Talk about losing your mind with worry, we all did. We found out where they were and my dtrs managed to get the 3year old back but not the baby. The sheriffs could not step in because there was no divorce filed or in process. He had the baby for nearly a month, and just decided one day to bring him back to his Mom. He has not called or seen them since August last year, has not even bothered. I think he did all that just to hurt her. she gets her child support and he never even sees them.Evidently doesn't want to.
I know I ran on & on here, but these things do happen, to good moms, everyday. Start your new job, keep those babies in daycare and go get your education, even if it takes longer than you expect. That is exactly what will get you to a better life with your kids later.
If you get down in the dumps, talk to someone or start you a journal (and write in it anytime you want). That is yours alone and you'd be surprised later on, re-reading it, how much you actually wrote there. It helps to go back and see how hard you thought it was at the time, and that you got through one crisis and time has passed, now it's something new...
Also, there are all us MOMS, on here, that's what this site is for. USE IT!!!
Good Luck in all you do.

Ruthie

It really does sound like his priorities are out of control!!! He should have his daughter up at the top of his list of priorities, but he doesn't. That really sucks for her!! Unfortunately, you can't change him, but you can still do what you are supposed to do. You are now in control of your children and he has no control. You are the provider in everyway for your children, I don't mean just money. If you have a schedule for bedtime, or any other schedule for you and your children, I would stick to it! Because he is the one that left, not you. If he doesn't like it...he can just get over it. I wouldn't stop him from seeing your little girl, but I would give him a certain time he can see her. She is still very young and hopefully he would straighten up soon. Just remember that if he keeps doing what he is doing, she will be older, and SHE will make her own decission not to have anything to do with him. That's on him, not on you. Although, I would pray about this and remind him that one day she will be able to make her own decission. I have two children myself and I have a schedule too. If that schedule gets messed up, then everything falls out of placed. You have to work and go to school and make sure the schedule works for you and your children, not him. You can't just put your schedule aside for whenever he pleases to come and see her. Hang in there girl, things will get better. Good Luck!

I agree with Cara and HJ and the others... you need to do what you can do for yourself and the kids.

Please get your "ducks in a row" and go see a lawyer now. He could take the kids anytime he wants right now. You do not have to get a divorce to talk to a family law attorney. You can file papers so that your rights are protected and you are protected (for your sake and the kids!).

Call Loveless & Loveless in Denton. Vicki Schmidt is a friend of mine. Explain that he left and he has the money, and she'll tell you what they can do. They're a great firm.

http://www.cmloveless.com/

Loveless & Loveless
218 N. Elm
Denton, TX 76201 Phone:
###-###-#### or ###-###-####

I have to ditto Cara and HJ... you can't control anyone's actions but YOURS. If your husband decides to step up and be a dad, great. UNTIL THEN, you need to just drop it. Don't call and beg him to see the kids, don't setup times to visit for him, etc, etc.

It doesn't sound like there are any moves toward divorce, so no temp visitation orders, no temp child support orders. If that is the case, then YOU hold all the cards. If you don't want him coming over during the bedtime routine, tell him so. I know my husband used to do bathtime with his daughter after he got divorced and visited his daughter long distance. Maybe that is an option, if HE wants it. If he calls and wants to see the kids, give him a couple of options that work with YOUR schedule. If he follows through, cool. If he doesn't, don't let it hurt you. Since your son is 4, I would lean towards not telling him dad is coming over until he shows up (since dad is so flaky). I know with my 3 year old, if I tell him something is going to happen, it BETTER happen! Gotta love the 'absolute' world of that age...

Caution... if there are no temp orders, then remember, he has as much rights to the kids as you do. So heaven forbid, he goes loopy and takes the kids, there's nothing you can do. It's not kidnapping when you're still married and the court doesn't care if you aren't legally separated. So, I would suggest you are always with him when he sees the kids until there are temp orders saying you are primary and he has visitation.

Yes, his priorities are all messed up, but he's 23, so I would expect that. :) Keep moving on and do what's best for your kids and YOU.

Hi- Sorry this is happening. I went through almost the same thing about 10 years ago. I am 30 now. My advice would be to not force him to see your kids. He's obviously not real worried about his family if he could leave and not be concerned about how your making it. Go on with your plans of school and work, take care of your family. If he wants to be a productive part of his family then he has some work to do. He needs to show you some responsibility. There is no excuse, he may be young, but so are you, and you are doing it because your children come first. You shouldn't have to MAKE him see his children. Maybe counselling will help, but either way you have to get on your feet, with or without him. You will be so glad you did! I won't sugar coat it, going to school, working and being a full-time mom is HARD! You can do it! I am a registered nurse now and love it! Things will get easier! I hope this helps you. Please feel free to e-mail me anytime at ____@____.com Take care- L.

Hi S.,

First step is to definitely speak to a lawyer to protect your rights, especially concerning the children.

Second, keep doing what your are doing. It sounds like you are on the right track. You just worry about taking care of you and your kids. This guy sounds like a loser. You need to get on with your life and not wait around on an overgrown child to decide when he wants to grow up. He obviously is not mature enough to deal with fatherhood. He sounds awfully selfish to me.

Finally, good for you for going to school, getting the job, etc. Just take it a day at a time.

Good luck to you...I wish you all the best! :)

Same thing happened years ago to me. Never did get better because my 3 sons and I were NEVER his primary priority! His fun, games and drinking were. Now he's been married 5 times and still isn't happy. He never did grow up.

The thing is, I did grow up. Went back to school and became a doctor. I can support my children beautifully without him, and they never see him . . . which I think is easier because I don't have to put up with his BS anymore! The kids are great and very happy.

Let him go and you move on. Get used to not seeing him and not being around him. Realize that if you aren't important to him now, you never will be. You deserve more in life than what he has to offer you, and so do your children! Get rid of him and move on!!!!!

Doc

ok i didnt read the responses. I did read your update about getting a lawyer, and i just wanted to give you the advice to not use Vicki Carter, she totally screwed me and she was actually my lawyer, I ended up paying about 5k and it should have only cost about 800 dollars had i used just about ANY other lawyer. Anyway, just wanted to give you that advice. good luck.

Definitely see a lawyer - Legal Aid does divorces too. Nail his balls to the wall with child support and a requirement to provide medical insurance, see if you can get mediated visitation (where the two of you have to meet somewhere to hand off the child, so that there is a written record of late, noshow, etc), and get on with your life.

Get yourself into counseling, too, for the sake of your children. My church has a divorce care class - I've heard it helps alot with the mental issues, and it offers some non sexual - completely platonic - support.

S.

I hav enot read the other responses you received because I do not want them to influence what I am about to say. This is my initial gut reaction to your situation having been through basically the same thing myself. I apologize now if this comes across as harsh or uncaring. It is DEFINITELY not meant that way.

One thing I want you to remember, if you let your husband treat you badly, your daughter will learn that having a revolving door and being treated badly by her husband is normal and acceptable. It is not. Your son will learn that he can come and go in his future marriage however he chooses and that his wife can be treated poorly and it is normal and okay. It is not.

You have set up a routine with the kids and I bet they are thriving. If you allow your husband to come in and disrupt it at his whim, you are teaching the kids that he is superior to you. He is not.

You have already proven to yourself that you do not "need" him. Look at what you have done! You have a job AND you are going back to school. WOW! Look at you go. You are succeeding with your life and the lives of your kids. Do NOT feel bad about that and do NOT let your husband negate that. He is out partying and God knows what else. Yes, his priorities are screwed up. Yours are not. You do not really, in all honesty, know exactly what he is doing.

Let me tell you about a friend of mine. She was not married, but was in a committed relationship with a man. Fortunately there were no children involved, but he went through that revolving door and she let him back in a few times too many. She is now at the end-stage of AIDS. I have sat here and watched one of my dear friends waste away because she too let her partner use a revolving door. Her mother has terminal cancer and less than a year to live. She will probably not outlive her mother and she is just 45 years old. Her death will probably cause her mother to lose all will to live. Please, shut the revolving door before you get caught in that mess as well. I never thought I would know anyone who had been affected by AIDS. I was so wrong. I have the one friend with full blown AIDS and two other friends (who have kids) with HIV. All because of unfaithfulness. It is too scary to run the risk.

If your husband feels that his partying is more important than his daughter (or his marriage) jsut let him go. You and the kids will be much better off with out him. I know it is hard to see that right now, but you will. My 10 year old son's father has not seen him since he was 2 months old. I don't even know where the creep is. I do not collect any child support because he has always managed to evade being served. I sell Avon for a living and am doing fine. I have never bad-mouthed my son's father to him. When my son started asking questions, I told him the truth in a matter of fact unpartial as possible way. He has not asked about him in at least 4 years.

You CAN do it on your own. You are already doing it. I commend you for your efforts and sincerely hope that you continue the way that you have been. You are teaching your children to not dwell on the past and it's hardships, but to turn the lemons into lemonade. BRAVO MOM!!!

Okay, now I am going to go read the other responses you received. Again, if this came across as harsh, I apologize. That was not my intent.

Good luck to you.

Oaky, now that I have read the other responses, I do have more to add. I agree that you need to go to an attorney. Even if you are not ready to file for divorce, you still need to have the custody handled. You need to make sure that the court has record of you having physical custody of yall's daughter. The other mom's are right. Without it being recorded with the court, he could come and get yall's daughter at anytime and disappear with her and not be breaking any laws. Now, it is my understanding that after a period of time (which will seem like eons) then charges can be filed against him, but they will likely be dropped before it ever makes it to court because there are no custody orders on record. The attorney general's office's main concern is to get child support for the child. However, they will set up visitation as well. When the parents do not or cannot agree on visitation, it is usually (based on the experience of a few friends and neighbors of mine) that the visitation clause states "as agreed upon by both parties." It is pretty broad, but it gives you the leverage to say, "No, you cannot come see her at 8:00, because she will be getting into bed. You need to come at 6:00 or make it another day when you can come earlier and not interfere with her routine." Also, in the state of Texas, if your husband were to show up at daycare (and later school) with a copy of yall's daughter's birth certificate and his driver's license and he can walk out of there with no questions asked. He cannot do that if you have a court order and provide a copy to the daycare.

Okay, I think I am done here. Oh! I do wish you the best of luck. I think you have done FABULOUS so far.