Mother's Day Cards and Gifts for Non-mothers

I would see no reason to give one to the sister that never wants children, but if the girlfriend helps with the brothers kids she is a type of mom to them, even if they are not actually married, they are committed and living as a family. I would see no reason to begrudge her some recognition as a mother. One does not need give birth to be a great mom.

I'd say she can do what she wants since it's her opinion. It's quirky and strange, but doesn't harm anyone. As a mom, I know I'm good and that I put in a lot of effort. I don't have to have others feel like less to make me feel appreciated.

I think your mother is mothering all of her children by showing love to them on mother's day. This reminds me a bit of that parable in the Bible about the guys who were hired at the end of the day getting the same wages as the ones hired at the beginning. The master says, "Why are you angry because I choose to be generous?" That's kind of the feeling I'm getting here. Your mother's generosity to her other children doesn't detract from what you do. I think I'd be grateful to have a mom who cares so much about her family.

A therapist gave me this quote to consider. "You can either be right or you can be happy." Once I realize that I'm trying to be right I choose to be happy.

I don't think she's discounting the work and love that you put in being a good parent. She's been sold on the greeting card companies idea that giving cards is the right thing to do. They actually have cards designed for the people who don't have children.

What do you gain by feeling hurt?. We all have control over how we react to what others do and this includes our feelings. It's normal to feel hurt. It's also possible to change the hurt to accepting that the person did not intend to hurt us and thus feeling at least neutral about it.

Before mothers day I may have agreed with you, but on Sunday my pastpr said something at church that I never really new. She said that mothers day is a celebration of mothers. You should not only celebrate and appreciate mothers you know but mothers that have passed on, mothers that you have known, mother that may wish to become. I don't know if your mom belives this but when you mentioned that she gave gifts to everyone it brought what my pastor said to my mind. Maybe she gives everyone a gift to remind everyone to celebrate motherhood in general. I never really new that was the true meaning of mother's day, but now that I know I plan on incorporated that knowledge into how I celebrate next year.

Hi S.,
I think that your mom is just working at being a mom, (which you can relate to more than your sister) and trying to treat her children equally . Whilst it is true that you are the only actual mother, you are assuming that they somehow benefit from getting a token mother's day card.(how do you think they feel recieving those cards when you are the one who actually has the kids?)
As your children grow older you will be heaped with many more multiples of cards and gifts from them, and the blessings that come from that. Perhaps you can let go of the cards thing and applaud your mom's kindness .

Well S., that is just it...opinions. You have an opinion about this and so does your mother. Your mother is just trying to include them, which doesn't mean you lose anything at all. You are still a Mom.

This is your issue that you have created for yourself.

You decided to take what she does with others personally. If you did not exist, she would probably do the same thing. So it has nothing to do with you.

She has her reasons in her heart and probably if you really knew them, you'd understand and support it. Have you read the cards the others get? Maybe she just wants to show love and appreciation to the people she gets the honor of mothering. It is her heart reaching out to those she loves and you question this? It takes something away from you?

No one can discount what you do as a Mom, except you. If you did not already feel that way then what she does would not bother you.

Work on yourself feeling good about you... that is all you have control over.

Mother's Day can be a painful day for women without living children of their own. Some women have had miscarriages, or wish they were mothers, but have difficulty conceiving. Some no longer have mothers that are living for them to give cards to. The "Mother-Daughter" banquets are hard for moms with only sons and no daughters. Before I was a mother, my husband gave me an "un-mothers day" present because he knew the day was hard for me.
I thnk your mother is the kind of person who understands that. She is not taking away your day, but trying to make it a happy day for all of the women in her family. Appreciate her generosity.

Your mom just has a fair-sy, fair-sy thing going on. If she gives a gift to one child, she feels the need to be equal to all her kids. I know it is ridiculous, but it is her business. If she chooses to spend her money like this, then so be it. Don't take it personally, I often feel the need to buy one of my kids something, then I think, oh, now I must get something for the other one. Sometimes, I can just give one of my kids a gift for something special, but then the other one feels entitled to one. I guess I can see how she feels, as ridiculous as it may be.

Hi, S.,

I experienced a long and very challenging road to parenthood, miscarrying twins and then a single baby before bearing two healthy children. Before my two live healthy children were born, when I was 40 and almost 42, I would have loved to have received a Mother's Day card! When my first live child was born, I didn't care whether I ever received a Mother's Day card. No gift could be greater to me than the bestowing of a child upon me. For those who very much want to have kids but can't, the absence is painful--even on a daily basis. You have the ultimate gift--kids! I realize that many days, if not all days, as a mother is tough. I have been a graduate psychology student, mother of two toddlers, and wife of a frequently and sporadically absent man for the last several years, so I sympathize with other mothers. I've also traveled around the world and seen mothers with nothing to give their children--not even food--forget greeting cards! What I witnessed makes me grateful for every thing I receive and have.

As a health psychology researcher who has studied infertility and the meaning of parenthood for the last few years, I believe that family dynamics are often complex. I realize from your response below that some of the recipients of these cards don't want to have kids. Based on your description, they sound bitter, as do you. I don't know whether all of you are bitter for the same or different reasons. It sounds as though your relationships among your siblings, brother-in-law, your brother's girlfriend and your mother need repair. What exactly do you think is eating you--and perhaps your sister and brother-in-law? I think that the card issue is covering up something much deeper. What can you do to work toward resolution within your extended family? I recommend mindfully looking within yourself without judgment to determine the meaning of motherhood to you. I think that you will find some peace there.

Best wishes,
Lynne E.

what an odd thing to be upset about....i assume she includes you (a mom?) in this gift-giving extravaganza? do your children and hubby acknowledge mother's day? do you feel slighted from other people so her gifts mean less in your disappointment? i don't know how to give you any advice, but if it was me, i would just let it go...besides...any unsingle woman is kinda a mom to her man in my eyes lol. hang in there girlie. you are a great mom i'm sure, and them getting gifts doesn't belittle what you do.

Yeah, it's totally odd and completely illogical. But, why does it matter? It isn't hurting anyone or anything. Trust me, if you are hoping that the job of mom will result in external reward and recognition, you will be disappointed.
Be proud of your hard work at being a good mom, personally rejoice in what you are doing for your kids, and know that all of us other moms out there "get it" and respect each other for all that we do. But, It think you'll be a lot happier if you don't worry about what other people think or feel like you need a tangible prize.
I know that is sometimes hard. I am sleep-deprived, exhausted, and constantly working at something. And, for the first time in my life the external accomplishment is not entirely evident on a daily basis. My efforts are no longer getting me a good grade in a class or winning at an athletic event, and I feel like I am only able to do a mediocre job at work. So, my perspective has had to change and focus on the long-term goal of helping my girls grow into happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults who will be able to do well in society and handle the challenges that life throws at them. It will be a long time until I know if I have accomplished that!
In the meantime, I hope your can forget about your sister and brother and their weird recognition of Mother's and Father's day and expend your emotional energy on your immediate family.
And, I KNOW you are a good, hard-workiing mom. Happy Belated Mothers Day!

I get the girlfriend, since she's there for your brothers kids. But your sister is odd. Especially since you've said she doesn't intend to have kids. I suppose your mom is trying to include them. But it does feel a bit like giving someone a birthday present when it's not their birthday. Mothers day is after all, for mothers not women in general. In our family, my kids and husband do something for me. I call my mom, and she calls her mom etc. My husband also calls his grandma. But no one else calls or gives things to people who aren't their moms (or at least grandma). I guess, just try not to let it bother you. You are a mom, and hopefully your own husband and kids recognize you for it, and that's all that really matters.

S., totally odd, I agree with you wholeheartedly!

I'm a little torn on this issue....On one hand, you are correct that just giving a card to any one without children kinda takes away from the fact that being a mom is a really hard job and deserves to be honored and respected. However, she might be honoring them because they are "like a mom" to their neices/nephews (your sis) or your brothers kids (your brother's gf). In that case, I agree showing that they love they give to kids who are not theirs is noticed. Before I became a mom I loved my nephews as if they were my own and my sis and brother bought me mothers day cards from them to let me know how much it meant to them. Give your mom the benefit of the doubt and assume that this is why she's doing it.

I agree, I think it's weird. I think it would be even more weird to be the person who is not a mother, recieving the card. how awkward is that? I don't get this.
Nothing you can do about it though, you can't control who your mother sends cards to. Now that you've expressed your feelings and been validated by many of us, my suggestion is to let it go. Not worth it!
Maybe you should start sending cards to other people on her birthday, like a card for your dad too. See how she feels about that (just kidding!)

I can relate since I think I'd feel the same way that somehow your mom is treating your sister, with no children, and you the same way on Mother's Day which is when we honor mothers, not just women. It's like she's getting credit for nothing which minimizes what you do. I get that. But the card, you must realize is only a formality to make themselves feel a part of this day. At the end of the day, they all know, your mom, sister, brother, his girlfriend- they are know who the REAL mom is. : )

I don't think there is any need to psycho-analyze this as one poster did. I do find it weird, so you are not alone. And I like that one person said just chalk it up to one more way your family is quirky and weird! People are strange and do weird things, my family is no exception. But to put another spin on this, do you think your sister thinks it is weird? What about her husband. Does it bother them, if so it is probably something they need to take up with your mother. It would have made me so sad to receive one if I was suffering from infertility--seeing it as just one more reminder that I don't have a child. Perhaps your mom thinks of them as "parents" to their animals, hence it appropriate to give them cards. I wish you peace with this.

Hi S.,

While her behavoir is odd, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I mean nothing. She's not sending their cards to you to be delivered by your hands, she's not writing about your lack of mothering skills in her card, she's not snubbing you.

Logically, if she is somehow "discounting" your work, isn't she also discounting the job she did/ does as a mother? She has her reasons for what she does, and while it may not make sense to you, it actually doesn't have to. It isn't about you at all. This is one of those MYOB moments. Free yourself from worrying about what she does. If this is in any small way whatsoever affecting your relationship with her, then you are causing yourself grief for no reason. Just look away and focus on your own life.

Hi S.,

I know that you already have a ton of response but really you choose the way you feel. Why do you feel less than because others are included? There are plenty of ways to be mothering. Your mother seems like a generous person so be grateful that you have someone like this in your life. What she does for others does not take away from what she does for you.

A couple other questions for thought, what did you do for your mom? Is there a small part of you that is jealous of your sister and the "freedom" that she has without kids? Is there a part of you that is judging your brother or his girlfriend becasue they are not married. Is there some long time resentment with your siblings? This seems a lot deeper than a Hallmark card.

Perhaps when you can answer the questions above, you'll be able to resolve the real issues and this won't bother you as much. Let's face it, you're the same mother the day before and the day after Mother's Day whether someone celebrates you or not.

I agree with you. Your mom is going out of her way to be kind but she should show it on their birthdays not on a day specifically for "Moms" or "Dads". At least you didn't say that they treat their pets as if they were their children . . that would have made me gag.

I completely agree with you, how lame!

Ha! I agree that's super strange. As others said, I'd try not be hurt by it, but just take it as one of those funny "Wow, my family can be really quirky" things. And, not knowing your mom, I think it's more offensive to the other daughters. Maybe you can laugh about it together?

Your mother obviously wishes there were more mothers and fathers in the family so this is how she handles her loss. Chill out and don't worry about it. No one can make you feel discounted about what you do in life, unless you let them. You know what's real.

I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful. I don't know who old your kids are. Mine are 7 and 3 months. I'm of the belief that my kids didn't ask to be here. I CHOSE to have them. I'm blessed every single day to have them. I will protect them from whoever and whatever. It's my job, because I chose to have them.

My kids owe me nothing, but to be happy and to be the best people they can be.

Mother's Day isn't about cards and gifts. It's about your kids being allowed to show you that they love and appreciate you. Do you celebrate Children's Day? Do you even know when it is?

If you are really doing a good, no sorry, a great job at being a parent, you shouldn't feel the need to have a day to get cards or presents or have people tell you how good of a job you are doing. Because, you will know every single day that you're doing good.

As you can tell, the day mean nothing to me. I know I'm doing a great job with my kids. I get a hug and a kiss from my 7 year everyday. If I'm having a bad moment, I set back and realize just how blessed I am to have my family. Mother's Day was more important to my 7 year old, than me.

Have you ever thought that maybe it makes the other people who get cards feel good, too. By the way... Just because your sister has a dog, doesn't mean that she's not a mother. She's the dog's mother. I'm sure if the dog could talk, it would express the same love for your sister that you're kids express for you.

I agree. This is very strange. I would be hurt too. Mother's Day is for mother's. What does your sister and brother's girlfriend think of this?

I believe that motherhood believes at conception. Maybe your sister had a miscarriage that you don't know about and your mother does know about (Not sure why she would know about it without you knowing about it, but it's just a suggestion).

Also, even though your brother and his girlfriend are not married she does live with him so she does help raise his kids to at least some degree. So I believe she too deserves a mothers day card.

Anyway, I hope that that helps clear up the reasons behind her sending out the cards.

But on a side note, I agree with the thought that somebody who has never been pregnant and has never helped raise a child should not get a mothers day card.

Hi S.,

I understand your feelings completely and don't think you are being petty at all! I also understand where your mom is coming from. It is almost like when we were kids and although it may have been your birthday, your sibling also received a token gift so as not to feel left out. It doesn't seem fair until you are the one receiving the token gift.

Anyway, my suggestion is to speak to your mom about the situation and tell her how you feel. Perhaps she can give your sister a card about being a wonderful aunt on Mothers day instead of a mom card. That is a good way to compromise and honor your feelings, your sister (even though she is motherless by choice) and honor your mother by allowing her to continue her card giving tradition.

If, after your talk, your mom continues her ways, then there really is nothing that you can do. You told her how you feel and it is up to her to listen and hopefully do the right thing.

p.s. as for the almost sister-in-law, I am obviously not familiar with the situation, but if she lives with your brother and he has the kids at least part of the time, then she is, by default, a mother figure to the kids, right? Let that one go. Good luck!

It's nice that your mom thinks of others - it would probably be more appropriate if she sent them a "Courteous Enough Not To Breed" card, but I'm afraid greeting card companies and the popular media haven't yet discovered the financial benfit. How sad that you resent your mother's gift-giving.

Call Me J.

Sorry so late. I wanted to respond earlier but life interupted my time on the computer. :)
I have feelings about this! My sister is mother only to a 4 lb, $1500 dog. She refers to my mother as this animal's GRANDMA! Motherhood is NOT dog ownership and Mother's Day is for mothers. I definitely see it your way!
I think it might be fun if you send everyone a birthday card for your mom's birthday. Equally inappropriate and down right strange.
PS: Happy Belated Mother's Day =)