Mom Seeks Advice for Daughter

Unfortunately, 17-year-olds do not listen much, especially girls who think they are 'in love.' I think this may be a job for her father. He should explain that this is not the age where she should be committing herself to some boy. She should be studying and preparing herself to be able to make her own way in the world because he will probably dump her for someone else. Then, she may wonder why her parents didn't try to stop her from doing this.

these days boys and girls often are just friends, so unless the talk between them is not innocent then she shouldn't be worried. Maybe she is the jelouse type and needs to believe him and trust him unless he gives her good reason not to.

If she can't do this then they should not be together. It won't work if she doesn't trust him/\.

Sandy

The best advice I got as a young woman was when my Aunt told me that... you can not change or control what a man is going to do. He will do what he wants to do and you need to decide for yourself whether you want to put up with it. The right man will not cause you to worry about such things.

Sorry to hear this. And sorry to say... at this young age... this will not be her only relationship. She will have others. Better ones.
She does not deserve this.
It will be a heartbreak and it is already.
The red-flags are there, already.

She NEEDS to have some self-worth, and know that NO ONE deserves this. It will be a hard lesson for her... for any girl or woman. But we all learn that, one day. NO BOY is worth this... or destroying your own well-being. NO boy should run over a girls emotions or trust or well-being. NO GENTLEMAN does that. NO BOY with values does that.

And believe me... this boyfriend of hers....is just learning how to jerk around girls...this too, is his "beta testing" grounds... this too, will not be his ONLY relationship. He WILL have others as well.

She will perhaps, only learn this through heart-break. At this young age. That is how I learned it... and most girls do.

Sorry to be so blunt... I don't mean to be 'mean'...but this is what happens often. She is sorta wrapped around his finger and stuck on him... help her to get UN-stuck.

**I might add, that her DAD....is an important part of all of this too... a MAN/Dad needs to guide her daughter in the realm of 'relationships' TOO. The bonding a daughter has with her Dad, and the communication they have... plays a BIG part in a girls' FUTURE sense of worth, and her self respect. AND, a Dad, can guide a daughter on the "red flags" of boys... if you know what I mean. I would ENLIST your Husband... to also help your daughter.

Take care and all the best,
Susan

The reason he is on facebook or talking to other girls is because he should be exploring his world and not "dating" so seriously! They are 17 and 19 for Pete's sake! Help your daughter to expand her world by learning something new, add a hobby, volunteer to help someone else, become a more interesting and growing person. Shut off Facebook and get outside, get active!
They aren't going to get married, and for heaven's sake tell her to lighten up and stop threatening him with "break ups" and make him so insecure about talking, flirting or meeting new people. Both of them should meet new people...by now you get my drift.
Be the Mom, not the friend. Help your daughter keep growing up into a confident woman.
Good Luck, D.

begs and cries?
this girl needs a man not a baby. off he goes!

Touch your nose...that's as far as your business goes.

It's your daughter's boyfriend. It's his texts. It's their relationship. You can't control this one.

It's sounds like it's the 1st long relationship for your daughter. It's hard to watch them hurt, but it's part of the growth process. SHe'll have more relationships...and more breakups, hurts etc. She's young...and so is her boyfriend.

Give her a tissue when she cries and try to remember that unsolicited advice = criticism. 17 year old are VERY sensitive to criticism and rarely want "advice" from parents.

I know it's hard.

Good luck and much love.

Hi M.,
Unfortunately teenagers have to learn for themselves how to work out their relationships. I can tell you that my husband and I are both on facebook and we both have friends of the opposite sex on facebook. We also have friends of the opposite sex that we see socially. Just friends. Neither of us is flirting or cheating... we're just talking to our friends. However we also know each other's friends. Your daughter's boyfriend may just be talking to friends or he may be cheating but it's up to your daughter to figure that out. If they are just friends, maybe her boyfriend would be willing to let your daughter meet them. If he won't do that, he probably is cheating.

You just have to be there to support her and help build up her self esteem. A 17 year old doesn't realize that she will probably have many other boyfriends in her life after this one. You have to explain to her that you can't act crazy and jealous just because he talks to another girl. She can only do that if she really thinks he's cheating and in that case she shouldn't be with him.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Yup... instead of getting caught flirting with another girl at a football game, or bonfire, or at the local hangout, or at work, or x,y,z, place in the real world boys and men (and ahem, us as well), are getting caught flirting online.

Same hard things to learn how to deal with:
- What's my tolerance for dating someone who likes to flirt?
- What level of flirting is beyond that tolerance?
- Learning to know the signs of healthy friendliness v flirting v cheating (and mixing them up less and less)

EXCEPT:

- There's hardcopy evidence (AHEM)... so the power to hurt longer (and in exquiste detail) is there, as well as not having to depend on "luck" or friends to fill you in.

- People have some weird expectation of privacy concerning posting online for the world to see. In the real world if you were chatting up a boy at a party and your boyfriend came over it''s either *busted*, or "Who's your friend?" + " Mikey, this is Joey... we have history together". Online, for some reason, if the parallel happens... people feel like their privacy has been invaded. Huh?

- See above: there's no chance to evaluate the situation first hand

- People frequently are braver, ruder, flirtier, online then in real life. So it can be hard to judge what either person is really like. But then again, some people are wilder/braver/flirtier at parties but quiet and taciturn in their real life, or more commonly the opposite; That learning how to judge/accept how people are different in different situations is tough. So much so that most people who are in a relationship purposefully avoid working together, even if they're in the same field.

So the lessons are exactly the same that we've all had to learn since marriages stopped being arranged, there's just a slightly different context. I would suggest you be there for your daughter the same way you'd wanted someone to be there for you back when you were young and dating. It's all the same. From posting, to texting, to discos, to soda shops, to sunday socials... people are social creatures. Part of what makes a relationship work or not work is how we react to our partner reacting to being in public. And that's all the internet is; another form of being in public.

Oh, young love. I do remember it well. My heart was broken at 16, and it took a very long time to get over. But this is something she must learn on her own. The only thing I can say is if you have instilled confidence in your child she will be able to come back quickly from challenges of the heart. I have a four-year-old daughter and one of my focuses will be doing just that and showing her that she is worthy of greatness and doesn't have to settle for people trampling on her feelings.

i think as hard as it is to watch she has to do it on her own and learn from the mistake. yes its painful to see her upset and crying over it. but on the other hand of shes going to be blind to the fact he may be cheating on her then thats her fault. maybe just tell her pain and simpl if she doesnt like what hes doing and she thinks hes cheating then end it. stress to her that she should stand strong and firm when he breaks down and beg sorrily for forgiveness. i hope this helps. sorry to be so blunt.

I believe that it is so important to have total trust in a relationship.
Ask your daughter straight out.."do you trust your boyfriend 100%, all the time?" If she says "NO", then tell her it is NOT supposed to be that way, and he is not the right guy for her. She needs to know that she deserves a man that treats her with the utmost respect, and what he has done is disrespectful, and that is unacceptable. Never settle for shady actions, it only leads to more.
Good luck to you and your daughter.

Hi M.:
Looks like you've received some good responses. I'll make mine short and sweet. Your daughter needs to date other young men.This sounds like her first serious relationship,and while it will be difficult,she needs to experience the various differences in personalities out there.This is what dating is all about.This is how she determines,what type of qualities she prefers in a mate later on. She obviously can't make comparisons,if she's only Dating one. Certainly ,you don't want her to marry the first guy that comes along.I wish you and your growing daughter the best.J. M.

This is going to sound so bad and mean. I apologize a head of time.

She's 17. There isn't anyway she can possibly know that she loves him. She doesn't even know herself yet. I'm sure that she probably hasn't started to even love herself yet. You can't love someone else, until you love yourself and you know who you are as a person.

That's a nicer way of putting it, then they way my mother put it to me.

Your daughter needs a reality check. Better to find out while she is young. How people treat you is how they treat you. (It doesn't matter what he says) If she doesn't like it, get out. She needs to value herself enough to know that it is reasonable to expect people to tell you the truth, be faithful, mean what they say. His actions do not show any love for her, so the words are nonsense. Granted, they are not married, but it seems she thinks they have an exclusive relationship and he doesn't. She could tell him that, since he is having friendships with other girls on line, she is going to date other people, too. If that's fine, fine. If he wigs and demands faithfulness from her, while still expecting her to "understand" about his on line relationships, lose him.

I'm not sure you should be getting this involved in her relationship. If you give her your opinion that is one thing, but you can't keep her from staying with him. It's really all silly high school drama, we've all been there. Talking on myspace is really no big deal (unless he's cheating with these girls?!) but she will never see it like that until she's older. Everything seems bigger than what it really is when you're a teenager in love....
But him crying and begging?? What's that about? She needs to tell him to man up or ship out.

Oh and by the way to other posters who say she can't possibly be in love at 17 or they won't ever get married, I beg to differ. I met my husband right after I turned 17, he was almost 19, yes we did love each other, we're meant for each other no matter our age. Got married when I was 19, him 21 and now I am a SAHM to 2 beautiful little girls. It does happen... and yes we had childish high school drama back then, and we laugh about how silly it was now!
Going on 8 years now and hopefully we can spend another 80 together since we started so young ;)

Hello M.,
I think if you let her find out on her own without you getting too involved, it will save you from the hassle of being blamed if it turns out that he is telling the truth. Sometimes it may very well be his friend using his computer or username for online chatting. It may or may not be true but if you get too involved, it will come back to you. It is GREAT that you worried and doing a great job protecting your child, but then there is a fine line without stepping over someone's toes. Continue to be there for her and support her during her needs but when it comes between you and her personal issues with her boyfriend, let them solve it between. Your daughter is a smart individual and she will eventually open her eyes and finally smell the coffee. She is a grown-up. I have a daughter who is getting married next month. I feel the exact same thing as you do about her fiance. I worry and never felt right about him but I learned my lesson of getting too involved by trying to convince her that he was no good for her every time they have a problem. I never felt right about him using his night job as a getaway and sometimes staying later than usual with no explanation. He never gives her the right answer and she believes whatever he tells her. It drew her closer to him. Then when they make up, she pointed the finger to me...I then decided to just maintain my own lane and continue to be a mom. Not her boss :)...better being her mom than losing a daughter...good luck...

This is where you need to step back and hope you did great job as a mom. She has to learn about trust and boys on her own. Your instinct is to protect, but she will never understand if she doesn't make the decisiom on her own. Just tell her she deserves better.

It is so hard at this age, they lack the maturity that it takes to have a relationship. It is sad to see girls cling on to boys, because they are desiring acceptance from them, or they lack confidence and are trying to find it in a man. Tell her how beautiful she is, let her know that she does not have to waist her time on someone who makes her feel any less then the wonderful girl she is. There seems there might be some underlying issues, but then again i don;t know, because i only have what you have written to go by! You know as a mother what issues need to be addressed.
I do have a suggestion. I volunteer at a local pregnancy resource center, and i know sex is not the issue here. Thats not where i am going. There are so many good DVD's pamphlets on respecting your body, how you are worth the wait. Even as a married woman i feel empowered with the knowledge these videos share, they give you a confidence in being woman and and awe for your body and how it should be respected. Educating girls early to respect thier bodies really helps them make wise decisions. I do not know if you are local, but i can mail any info that you might be interested in. Good luck, you are a good mom.

I see this becoming a learning experience for your daughter, if all it takes is a some fake tears and a beg or 2 to make her come around he's going to continue to do. I'm sorry to say...you can talk until you're blue but the decision to leave this jerk is on her, just let her know that she's still young and is going to have other boyfriends and that she is worthy of some one who's going to treat her with respect and that you treat people the way you want to be treated and he's not doing that.

P.S. If all else fail tell her to take a little trip on My Space and find a friend or 2, he'll see how it feels.

Hi M., My son and his girlfriend had the same my space issues, except my son said his girlfriend flurited with another guy, whenn they got together my son was 19, and the young lady was only 15, at 17 I would encourage your daughter to focuss on school and a future,I'm 52 years old boyfriend girlfriend issues is way different now than when i was a teen, I don't think it's a trustworthy issue, he's a 19 year kid she's 17 they are to young to be tied down to the point where there is drama, with our daughter, I didn't agree with it at the time, but my husband did not let out daughter date while in high school, boyfriends, more possesive, more agressive, and he didn't want out daughter being hurt, or even going through what your daughter is going through. My son and his girlfriend are still together, he's 22 and she will be 19 next month, my space has caused more arguments between then than anything else, we told our son she's young, so she flirted, that's what teenagers do, she does not belong to you, and we told them both that being a boyfriend and girlfriend is not a commitment like being engaged or married, their fine now too, he's excepting the fact that she is a teenager, I kind of rambled sorry. Your daughter has her whole life ahead of her, to worry about this guy, and if something like a my space can cause conflict, what will happen when real life issues come up, my daughter is so grateful at almost 20, she's never been hurt, she got through her teen years without a lot of drama, but the most important this is, is that her purity at almost 20 is in tack, J.

I would just talk to her and tell her to keep her eyes open and step back mama. I imagine it will be tough, but if you push it she will probably rebel. I am sure she is smart enough to figure it out, unfortunately it is something she has to see for herself. Good luck with that. I can't imagine it is easy to see her headed for heartbreak and not be able to help.

Good Morning M.,

You may want to look into Landmark Education for your daughter. It is a personal development company for adults as well as children. Landmark Education can be found online.
Also, if you are not into religion but might like some spiritual counseling you may want to check into Agape International Spiritual center in Culver City - Agapelive.com.

Be Well.

N.

Talking on facebook, Myspace, texting, etc. is one thing, but flirting and trying to pursue other relationships are quite another. What exactly is he saying to these other girls and/or how is he responding to them?

It is a big worry for parents...the texting and etc. Times are certainly different than when we grew up. I think you need to just focus on your daughter...love her...spend 1:1 time with her and have your husband do the same. Don't say anything negative about her particular boyfriend that she is with now because that will likely cause her to hang onto him longer. Just provide lots of support and education about relationships in general...tell her how people in relationships treat each other with respect,etc. Focus on building her self esteem and her belief in herself and her ability to do things on her own without depending on her boyfriend so much. Let her know that the most important thing is finding out who she is and what she values in life...encourage her to attend college and make good grades so that she can have a better chance at succeeding on her own, if she needs to. Let her know that she is loved and that she is worthy of love; encourage her to surround herself with boyfriends and friends who respect and admire her.

Best of luck,
J.

I'm not sure if there is anything that you can really say to her that will get her to change her mind about this guy. Her issues with this relationship is something that she will have to work out and process for herself. Your most important job right now is be there to support her while she is going through this learning lesson right now. The most important thing you can do for her at this time is to let her know how special, how beautiful and how smart she really is. Let her know that you trust her and know that she can and will make the right decisions for herself in this relationship and that she will whatever lessons that she needs to learn about herself and relationships and move on when the time is right.

I know it is hard to not get involved and restrain yourself from rushing in and trying to protect her but she is almost a woman now and if you do that, it will undermine her sense of self-confidence and most likely cause her to rebel and do the opposite of what you would like for her to do. And I understand you wanting to protecting from getting her heart broken but there are valuable lessons to be learned from dysfunctional sitations sometimes.

Wishing you and your daughter the best of luck.