Mom Seeing Advice and Needing to Vent

B. - First I feel your pain I work full time and I know what it is like to come up and have nothing done very frustrating. But he is also an example for your two children I would not have the arguement or ask him to try to understand you I don't think he can. Also I think your 4yo doesn't know to ask dad for lunch or to do stuff that isn't what your 4yo thinks is the role that dad plays. I would sit down both your 4yo and your husband and explain that summer is here and there are some things we need to do daily and you are trying to teach the kids responsiblity. You will have a list for them each morn. First your 4 year old can help and his jobs should include matching socks or putting them in the correct drawer, it might be cleaning the sink in the bathroom, it might be putting the cups in the dishwasher it might be putting his toys away, what can he do for the 2yo put those toys away whatever your 4yo is capable of and if he can't read draw pictures and explain in detail what you need done. I will tell you I don't do jobs I could get done in a second so I can leave them for my kids your little one should have two or three things on that list. Your husbands should have whatever but probably not more than 5 in the beginning. Very clearly the goal is to have the list done by the time I get home. Make it very short for the first week and then you can add things to the list. If it is not done I turn off the TV and everyone comes inside until you get it done - not so fun :) The other thing is when your husband does his stuff and your 4yo does his you celebrate like there is no tomorrow wow great job mommy really apprecaiates the help blah-blah-blah. Even if only your 4yo does the list still celebrate your husband will see this and how happy you are. There needs to be a sense of accomplishment for both of them. Also your husband won't let your 4yo be unsafe so if he is doing these things he might actually help.
Here is my suggestion on the food thing which I have lived. I keep a snack basket in my pantry and in it are healthy snacks. Each child can have max 2 healthy snacks a day and they can help themself. You can make lunch and have it on the shelf in the frig ready for your 4yo to get it all by himself. It might only be cheese and crackers but it is there and ready. When you call home during the day you can ask your 4yo did you have the snack from the basket or did you have lunch did you do your job? And if the answer is no he can go get it done. Is there a lot less work for you no not at the beginning but in the end there will be and by the time you get home some things will be done and you will be less stressed - you are making a new routine :) Good luck.

Hi, B.,
In first place you should talk to your husband about the situation you are both in right now. You are a woman and a mother of 2 children. You have to know what you deserve. If the boy ( I can not find any other name for him) does not understand that family is a sharing of responsibilities and helping each other to get to the goal, then my best advice is to show him where the door is. Never tolerate what you dislike. Struggle for what you need and what you deserve.

I understand your pain. Maybe try to make it fun and put the main things that have to get done each week (vacuum, dust, etc) on a piece of paper or a ping pong ball and put them in a bowl, each of you pick one each day to do. Get the 4 year old involved too. Baby wipes clean up a bathroom sink/floor beautifully for every day. Maybe if you get the momentum going on the weekly things and it's a team sport, he'll be more aware of the daily things.
Here's hoping you get some traction.

Hi B.,

This is an issue that burns me up too. But, one thing to remember is that you can attract more bees with honey than vinegar here. You cannot be working both inside and outside the home while he neglects the responsibilities of being a stay at home parent. A marriage is a partnership and he's not doing his part. What does he do all day? If he's not making money, then he's not doing anything important to the family--I would tell him that flat out. You need to lay down some rules. My husband (thankfully, he's the breadwinner and works full time and I'm a stay at home mom), would be the exact same way as your hubby if our roles were reversed. If I were the breadwinner and he the stay at home parent, he would sit home all day play computer games, sleep, read, and not take care of the kids nor the house until I started laying it into him. My husband too, plainly does not care about stuff like a clean house, feeding kids, or doing housework. AND, my husband was raised by two parents who thrive on orderliness--my husband, chose to live the opposite way. Whatever you call it, it's just plain laziness and inconsiderate to you. He needs to respect your way of doing things. From what I read of your post, it sounds like you have some negotiating chips here. Here are my suggestions--this has worked with my husband, so maybe it will work with yours. First, if he IS willing to help in any way, start slow. Calmly and nicely explain to him that you need some things done daily becase you are too tired and stressed out to do them. MAKE A CHORE LIST. Don't overwhelm him with too many duties at once, but a few duties done is better than none especially over a period of days. Second, maybe you could hire a cleaning lady while he watches the 2 year old--save on daycare and that way, he won't have to do chores?? Just some thoughts. Tell him that you appreciate his help. I'm sure you'll get alot of responses on this issue:) I'd like to hear also what others suggest:)

Best wishes,

M.

Perhaps you should be specific give him 1 room that needs to be cleaned each day...or one task that needs to be done each day.

Like monday Vacuum/sweep the floors load the dishwasher
tuesday dust, do 1 load of laundry
Wed. Load the dishwasher, clean the bathroom

etc etc

he might be flat out overwhelmed by the amount of work a stay at home parent has to do...and take your 2yr old out of daycare if Daddy is home all day there is no point in PAYing someone else to care for the child...it's just wasting money

If you can take your 2 year old out of day care and let your husband watch both children, maybe it will save you some money and you could use the savings to hire someone to clean, like Merry Maids...then you just need to work on the lunch issue with your husband...

I can relate to what you are saying. I am a SAHM, and my husband and i have different ideas of the house cleaning. He would like everything to be in order all the time, and to me, it doesn't bother me, if some things are not in place. you can walk in my house, and tell it's lived in, but it's not messy, or dirty looking.

I tell my husband if he isn't going to help he can't complain. But we have sat and talked about what most importatnt in the house. I think you need to have that same talk with your husband. It won't change over night, but if you at least tell him, if he would keep up on dishes, keep food only in the kitchen, and just a few small things to start with. And then in a month or so, add a few more things. I would point out that a 4 year old doens't know what they want yet. So even if he says he isn't hungry, he should still be giving something for lunch. Even if he doesn't eat it, it should always be offered to him.

You need to talk to him; tell him how you feel in as nonthreatening way as possible. I would also make him aware of how bad it is for your little one to not eat lunch on a daily basis and how it can mess up his or her metabolism. The only time my kids don't eat lunch is if they sleep through it; but they get a light snack. Good luck!

I am so sorry that you are frustrated. I agree with everyone that says you should make a list. Excuse my stereotype, but I find that when it comes to house work, men have different ideas of what is important than women. Keep it simple. Make a list of Daily things and weekly things. (Daily- 1. Empty dishwasher, and load dirty dishes before 5:00pm. 2. Vacuum the floors before 5:00pm. 3.Feed Johnny lunch by 12:00pm.)
Tell him he needs to do at LEAST what is on the short list. I have a very helpful husband to which I am eternally grateful. But he still needs direction.

And also, don't forget to be very vocally thank you everyday! Sometimes, just looking for things to thank him for helps you to have a different attitude. Thank you for emptying the sink of dirty dishes, Thanks for making sure Johnny ate his lunch. Thank you so much for making my life easier. Men need the verbal recognition and then he is more likely to repeat behaviors that make you grateful.

Well, I have to admit, being the yougest of 5 that I don't keep house as well as most...however, there is a line between spotless and hygenic. Why is the two year old at daycare? Save money on the daycare, keep that child at home with hubby and hire a cleaning service. One thing that must change is that three to four times while he is with the children he MUST offer food...hungry or not. And in this heat he MUST offer drinks. If your closest friends and family see this as a never ending cycle for you take it from me... get out before it affects your health. It may take 20 years to finally catch up with you, but now I am riddled with major health issues and I think it's from burning the candle a both ends for sooo long.!! Good Luck.

Sounds stressful...
Can you create a list of things that you NEED to have done? Then have him help.. sounds easier than I'm sure it is to implement.

I would suggest a good marriage counselor. We see a christian one. We are having alot of communication problems and were on the brink of divorce 2 weeks ago. Just the two of you sitting in front of someone else and talking to her or him about what bothers you in your marriage really helps. Then she has a way of asking your husband if he understands that this really is bothering you. My husband and I left there on a different level. She gave us a little activity to do at home which helps with communication. We've only been 1 time so far, but it already helped tremendously. Because she's a christian counselor she has a sliding fee where she charges $30 a hour. I know money can be tight, but to me this was the best $30 I've spent in a long time. I don't know where you're located, so you may have to call around and ask for prices in your area. Most regular counselors charge upwards of $60 an hour. Any questions, let me know. Good luck.

Find a family counselor and insist he go. Make an appointment. If he refuses, you go! I wouldn't continue to cut him slack on this. Tell him your marriage cannot work under these circumstances.

Maybe if you made a meal schedule for your 4 year old, explaining to your husband our son needs to eat.

If it not's important to clean the house as that is the way he grew up, well to me that sounds like an excuse. If he doesn't get that a house needs to be clean so you don't get ants and the house won't smell, maybe you have to get a little extreme. Don't do his laundry for awhile and see if he gets it.

Any marriage is a team effort. He needs to step up and help. Is there some sort of compromise?

What I have learned is that with any male, it is necessary to explain how things are done in detail. Their focus is not our focus. Frustrating I know.

Take some time for yourself. Can you go to a friend's house for a few hours and relax?

I wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

Many blessings,

M.

B., yes that situation can be very stressful, the dad is obviously taking a total break , ahahh its ok, but i would have the house clean and when you leave for work monday i would leave him a small note of things to do, but i would not overwhelm him, like make son a sandwhich or whatever at such and such a time, and around an hour before you come home like write vacuum the floor, and heat up some dinner, ? sometimes men are not used to having alot of free time and they need gentle nudges to do them, he does not want to be a housewife, he wants to relax and do nothing, or play games all day, which can be fine mixed with a bit to do, or like when im not hear id really appreciate it when if you can do this..... and leave a little note for son, to make himself a sandwhich i would think at four he can, like at such and such a time, draw a clock on paper and tell him when the clock is this time, you can get this, ...... im sure your husband may be at a loss what to do andits great he is there with the kids, as well, sometimes thats all they can do, but the child will knowyou left him a note and he will follow it, also leave the child a chore to do that day , like at this time, you eat, at this time you pick up toys from living room and put toys in bedroom so daddy can vacuum, etc, but give them one or two things to do they cant do it all day , they are not built that way, ahahahaha the difference between a man and a boy is the size of their toys, hahah so they are equiped to play and be the fun one, ahahahah so slowly work on it, and i would think a note would suffice, but dont expect it done everyday , just do a little at atime, D. s

Uphill battle if you tried to ask for and didn't have a response. Perhaps you could price out a house cleaning service? Mostly to show you're serious about needing it tidy. Re: feeding the kids, ask him to feed them on a schedule. If the kids don't eat the afternoon snack, at least they were offered. You're right, kids that age can't be asked to know what they need. I'm sure you'll get a lot of responses. My husband doesn't care about tidiness either, but sure appreciates when I do it. Good luck!

Oooh, been there!! There are 2 problems. They (men) underestimate how much work it is to stay home with the kids, and they tend not to be as meticulous as we are in doing everything that we feel is important. In other words, once they find out how much work it is and how tiring and non-stop it is, they start reducing everything to essentials--no baths, no hair combing, eat when you're hungry, definitely no laundry or housework...You need to tell him exactly what you've told us, because you've expressed yourself very well. If you can't get it all out without being interrupted, show it to him in writing. Understand, though, his standards of what needs to be done at home will never be the same as yours, because he will never knock himself out the way you do over what he decides is "unimportant." Good luck to you--

H.

B.,

I have been married 17 years this October. We have 5 children together and he is a good husband, albeit clueless at times, but he has a good heart. The man cannot take a hint to save his life. I don't understand this but when I ask him to do something nicely, it never seems to get done, however if I TELL him that I NEED him to do ----- today before lunch.......it always gets done. Go figure.

I would also suggest a list, a new list every single day and go over it with him as you give it to him, right before you leave in the morning. Make sure he understands that you NEED it all to be done before you get home. I would also suggest that if he refuses to do it, then you should refuse to do it too. I realize you still need to feed and care for your children, but let him smell that stinky trash for a few days...let him wear dirty clothes.....let him scrounge for something to eat, or eat over the kitchen sink because there are no clean dishes, basically I am suggesting that you go on strike where the housework is concerned, sometimes you need to show them that you mean business.

One more thing, why in the world is your child in daycare when his father is home and perfectly capable of caring for him?! Would you need to pay the sitter anyway to hold a spot for you when your husband goes back to work in the fall? If not, then I would keep him home and save some money. Thats just my own opinion though : )

Good luck and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, and let him know how serious this is. It isn't going to do you any good to be this stressed and resentful (which in my opinion is pretty justified). God Bless.

Get Tough!!! good grief what does he expect? I would quit doing his laundry and just do your stuff and the kids'. I would quit serving him up meals until he shows signs of lifting a finger to help. Explain in no uncertain terms that SOME indication of being a team would go a long way. He was there when the babies were made, he should have some involvement and knowledge of them. He's not showing to be a good role model and I would point that out.

B.,
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad. It's a shame that women have so much to deal with besides being just a mommy. I totally understand as I work two part time jobs and go to school full time. Life is stressful. However, I do have a husband that helps out tremendously, making my life much easier. You need to get serious with him and tell him that if he cannot handle taking care of your son during the day that you'll be forced to put him in daycare as well and he can get a daytime job. It sounds harsh but sometimes it just has to be done. Let him know how unhappy you are. It's his responsibility to make sure you and the household are happy. As I've heard on TV, "Happy wife equals a happy life". As a writer, I touch on many of these subjects in my articles and blog. Feel free to check them out. You may find some helpful advice or just get a good laugh. God bless and I am praying that things get better for you.

R. Gutierrez

My magazine: http://miestilomag.com/?cat=3
My blog: http://mividaloca-mividaloca.blogspot.com/

I have to ask: who does the housework when he is working during the school year and you are working? Does he know what's expected of him, or is he supposed to assume it?

Some men don't think the same as their spouses....they can be totally oblivious to crackers everywhere (or even if they're not, they won't figure out how to remedy the fact).
Sometimes they still think that the inside of the house is woman's work due to how they were raised - an antiquated notion from when mothers didn't work outside the home. I've worked longer hours than my husband for years (even when he had a 45 minute commute!) and still have to get everything ready for my child if my husband is dropping him off. He just doesn't think the same way, so sometimes I leave a list of what is needed before they leave if I don't have time to gather everything together.
Make a list and let him know that he is an important cog in running the household...it does work evenutally....I even got my husband to do the bulk of the laundry while I'm at work! Hurray!

A lot of women on here are saying leave him a chore list, well one thing i would say to that is he is your husband, not your child you can't make him a to do list, he will feel like you are his mom and hate it! kids act very different for moms and dads, it is possible your 4 year old isn't hungry for lunch because dad let him snack all day. you need to just tell him you need help, and ask him what he needs help withm remember he is your husband,and bestfriend , don't treat him like a child.