This might be more of a rant than a question. My MIL often shows favoritism to her bi-racial grandchild. She never tries to justify and I'm not the only one that notices. My husband and I have had a weekend planned in a different state for business. We notified my MIL 3 weeks in advance to see if she could keep my child. It's been fine up until 2 days before planning to leave. All the sudden they have made plans to do something and cannot care for my child. The part that upsets me is that the only weekend I had asked her to keep my daughter, she made plans to keep her grandson. The offset explanation I get is that he needs more attention because his mother is showing him the wrong life by dating thugs and doing drugs. I get that, but she doesn't see that she's enabling her to do these things by keeping her grandson whenever it's convienent to her daughter. She always drops her son off for days at a time and is very rude and disrepectful to them. Often times when they are both over at my MIL at the same time, when I'm there, my child is neglected attention completely. Needless to say the trip has been cancelled. I don't want my daughter to notice the lack of attention she gets. What should I do? I've tried talking and it changes for a day and then goes back to the same thing everytime.
She's also pressuring us to have another child, because she wants another grandbaby. Not too long after that my sil ended up pregnant, different father but ended up having a miscarriage. As furious as my mil, she was upset that she
wasn't having another grandchild. Were having problems with just 2 why add another to the mix?? **the reason I added biracial is because that is her reasoning that he needs more time with her and more attention.
if a MIL sees an imbalance, then 'favoritism' is actually an attempt to restore some balance. fairness is relative. some kids really do need some extra attention and it sounds as if this little fellow may well be one of them.
certainly stinks in this situation where it genuinely inconveniences you.
but good for grandma.
khairete
S.
It sounds like she means well...like it is her purpose to save this child from bad influences. Try not to let it bother you. To avoid having your child's feelings hurt, I would just try to have the children see Grandma separately, so she won't notice so much.
Obviously, your MIL is trying to give her grandson some sort of normalcy.
My mother did the same thing. Sister was divorced and nuts, so my
mother bent over backwards for sisters kids. My left out in the cold. She
felt sorry for my sister. I was basically told to suck it up if something was
out of wack in my life.
You can only change the things you have control over and you don't have control over your MIL.
I am in the same situation (my MIL has her favorites and my child is not one of them). We do not rely, call, or even include my In-Laws in much of our life and it has made life SOOOO much better. If they call, great. If they don't, great. We have found other wonderful people in our life that we can rely on and that we truly enjoy being around.
Best to you. I know it's tough.
R.
,
That really sucks and it would be very hurtful for me as a mom to feel that my child is not getting treated as well as her cousins by grandma. I would probably have more of a problem with it than the child.
I feel bad for the other kids too that their parents are not what they should be but at the same time would not have my child hurt either.
I could be wrong but if it were me I would not ask grandma to watch my kids again and I would keep them away as much as possible. And it would not be out of spite but because It would bother me too much to feel that my child is being neglected.
I'm just wondering why you felt the need to specify that he is her "bi-racial grandchild?" What does this add to the situation? Is there something else underlying your feelings about this?
Unfortunately I think this happens to a lot of families. I have two MIL's and they both do it too. One will give the kids some attention when they are around but when the other grandchild is there its almost no attention at all. The other one doesn't even acknowledge the children since she is so caught up with the other 6 that she is practically raising. My sister has the same problem with her in-laws, especially when it comes to gift giving her son never gets anything from the in-laws because they say her SIL kids need it more since they have less income. I have even noticed my own grandmother giving her great grand children more attention that her own grandchildren that are boys. Guess it is all something we just have to deal with being parents and try not to let our children notice it so their feelings don't get hurt.
No one should play favorites to their children, but it happens all the time. It really matter what the reason is, it is hurtful, but often done blindly.
As far as enabling, you are probably talking to the wall. It won't be until the mother is tired herself of being walked all over that she decides to cut her ties, or pull back the reigns.
There is not much you can do about it yourself. This is between the mother and her daughter and has nothing to do with you, all except the neglect your child gets. You have to look beyond this and find happiness in your own way. If you need a sitter and you don't like how your child is treated, then find other means of care.
It is unfortunate, but that is how it is all too often. I find my MIL plays favorites and so does my husband. It used to be a household topic, but now we look beyond her doings and the two of us communicate rather than allowing her to find her way between us, which she does. So since you and your husband seem to be on the same page, he probably wouldn't be hurt if you looked into other means of sitting for your next trip.
If talking to her about it helped even momentarily, try talking about it again. I understand why she may feel she needs to give her other grandchild lots of attention (sounds like his mother isn't the greatest mother), yet it doesn't mean your child should suffer. It sounds like your MIL is a good grandma...maybe you just need to remind her again. You could even say your child is noticing the favoritism & you are afraid it's hurting her feelings. I hate to pawn it off on the child...but if your MIL thinks your daughter is inadvertently getting hurt, it may change your MIL's behavior...at least to treat them like equals.
Unfortunately there is NOTHING you can do. It's the same with my MIL - even though she tells anyone who will listen that she treats all her grandkids equally. My children are now teens and they're not fooled at all! True affection can't be faked! It's sad that my kids don't have the "loving" grandparents that I dreamt for them to have - but I love my husband and married him, not his family! Since you know she's unreliable (to say the least) regarding child care - in future don't even ask her - just make different childcare arrangements. You and your child will be happier for it! Good luck!!
She will never change. She is an enabler and thinks the more she helps her daughter, the better likely daughter will change, but guess what? It does not work that way and YOU will never be the one ot convince her.. No longer waste your time trying to figure it out or fix it.. Instead move on with your lives and accept that they are what they are.. ..
This type of thing happened over and over with my MIL. I finally learned I could not depend on her for child care.. There are so many times, she changed her plans and yet was always there for her daughters children, even if she had to cancel important things in her life.. My husband and she went to therapy and that is when he realized she knew what she was doing and admitted it is what she wanted to do.. so we just dropped it.. Of course the day she told me I had NEVER allowed her to care for our daughter was the day I quit speaking to her.. Our daughter was 18.
L.,
You are right. Your MIL is enabling her daughter to go out w/ thugs and do drugs by taking in her grandson at a moment's notice. Your MIL is doing this because her grandson is an innocent child and she feels sorry that he has the kind of mother he has.
Your MIL has chosen not to have a close relationship with your daughter, so there is nothing you can do, really. You can have your husband talk to her if you'd like. Your MIL will be hurt in the long run since she is pushing your daughter out of her life. You didn't mention your parents. Are they alive? Can one of them or both of them watch your daughter that weekend?
Sorry for your situation w/ your MIL, but there really isn't much you can do. Your daughter gets plenty of love from you and your husband, I'm sure, so she will be fine.
Lesson learned:
On your part... no more gramma babysitting.
On her part... you can't trust her to watch your child when she says she's going to, so she doesn't get to anymore... even if she's asking to. ((Not as "punishment" as common sense. Your daughter doesn't get cared for if your nephew gets dropped off after her -which happens without warning- and she cancels last minute if he's dropped off first... which costs your family in both money and heartache.))
The only thing you can do is accept that this is the relationship your MIL is capable of having with your daughter and don't rely on her EVER for any child care, but don't also feel obligated to create maximum exposure time for your daughter and MIL either. Are your parents more involved? Do you have close friends or other older relatives that can step in and fill a little bit of the void for her distracted Grandma? I am not saying you should withhold your daughter from your MIL, but if your MIL isn't going to make it a priority, then why bend over backwards to include her? There are probably several adults in your life that would love to be more involved with your daughter, so seek them out instead! If MIL starts to get a clue that she isn't as close with her granddaughter as she would like to be, then let her step up and ask for more time and then give it her. Win/win. Until then, since your MIL can't make your child a priority, then stop making their time together a priority.
cut the apron strings, you dont need an unreliable MIL-- you can't depend on her, so find a different plan that doesnt include her as a sitter. Dont be jealous of your SIL kids getting more time with Grandma. She probably bonded with them more since her daughter is a loser and she's trying to pick up the slack. We both know that wont work, but emotionally it's making your MIL feel better and she thinks she's doing the right thing. Not much you can do about it unless your MIL gets at the end of her rope and asks you for advice. For now, you need to go with Plan B and have another sitter that you trust for overnights on occasion and dont rely on MIL.
