Losing It. Help

The younger and more kids there are, the dirtier the house is. The only time I had a clean house with little kids was when I was living on military base temporarily and brought hardly any belongings. It's really easy to clean up when you have the minimum amount of clothes, toys, and dishes. Also, so easy to clean when the kids are not home for most of the day.

2+3+5+7 do NOT clean up after themselves.
7 and 5 maybe but only with help and participation by you.
What you are attempting is unrealistic.
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist.
Don't worry about MIL bitching.
She will help you get it together if you ask her sincerely.
I don't know what to tell you about DH.
His expectations are beyond unrealistic.
I wonder if, maybe when MIL comes back,
you can have an evening or a day w/DH
to talk about what is and isn't possible.
I also wonder if you and DH could have a couples retreat together.
???
Whew.
=============================
Do you know about the oxygen mask?
When you're on an airplane and the flight attendant
explains emergency procedures,
they always say "If you are traveling with a small child,
put your OWN oxygen mask on FIRST,
and then see to your child's mask."
You cannot be an effective mother or wife
unless you first put on your OWN oxygen mask.
Continue with your therapist.
And let your husband read these answers.
Good luck.

Wow, you are a busy woman! I only have 2 kids and I'm exhausted. First off, the husband should be fending for himself. He's a grown man. You've got enough on your plate. You ned to put your foot down and start making everyone help you out around the house. My son is only 3.5 years old, but he helps me tidy up the house. Form a rewards system for the kids. If they help you do some things around the house, they get a little reward, like a cookie after dinner or something. And again, tell the husband you're not a maid. You're a Mom.

I have a couple suggestions, both small and big. Small: Implement a system where the kids have to clean up after themselves or lose whatever it is they've left out. And I mean LOSE it. You'll give it to charity, whatever. Believe me, this will motivate them to put their belongings in the proper place. And if not, then you can help them to simplify their lives; they obviously own too many toys if they don't care about their belongings. If you don't want to give things away, you could make them buy things back by doing chores. (The 2 year old is too young for this, but not the other 3.)

Big: It's great that you've started therapy. You need to take care of YOU. I also recommend marriage counseling. Your husband is taking you for granted and has some unrealistic expectations of the superwife and supermom he wants you to be. Marriage counseling ought to be able to help. If he's not game, then look into ways that you can improve your communication so that he "gets" that you're already doing a ton (4 kids 7 and under!) and need some appreciation and maybe even some assistance.

Good luck!

Oh girl!!!

I don't know where to start. I truly hope your therapist is helping you to compartmentalize your problems instead of dealing with every last one at the same time.

In MY OPINION - your first problem is your husband.

1. Your husband is a grown man.

a. He needs to start taking care of his own business - if he needs food - he can get up out of his chair and get it.

b. If he needs his clothes - he can get it - you are NOT his mommy or his maid - you are HIS PARTNER!!!

c. if he doesn't like the mess - he can help clean it up. Yes, he works all day and your are a stay at home mom - MOM being the operative word. Does he want someone to CARE for his children or does he want a nanny or a maid? If he wants a maid - he can hire one to come in and do the house work every week or every two weeks.

d. he is modeling behavior for the children. M stands for MOMMY NOT MAID! (that's the rule in my house) and you are allowing it. You CAN put your foot down - yes, it will be hard at first - but trust me - your life will be soooo much better when you take charge.

2. Your older kids are old enough to put their stuff away. If they don't - take it away - I know, mean mommy - but set the ground rules. If you take it out, you MUST put it away. PERIOD. If I pick it up - it's mine. This is what I do in my home. I give my boys two chances (and they are lucky to get that) but if I tell them twice and they don't do anything - MINE!!!)

3. Make a list of things to do during the day. Enlist the help of the kids - most kids LOVE TO HELP!!!

4. Find a dentist and doctors that are closer to home.

5. When you are running errands during the day - make a list - I need to do: x, y and z... make sure that your are doing things in order so you are not zig-zagging across town.

6. If the kids are whining - separate them. Set the rules, set boundaries and consequences for their actions. Good consequences for good behavior - bad ones for the unacceptable. Whining is a learned trait - they are modeling it after you or your husband - it was tried once and worked, and it continues to work for them - whether it be good or bad attention - they are getting what they want from whining.

7. Your MIL is coming? Well, if she bitches about it - then you can tell her what needs to be done. Simply say "well, instead of complaining about it - DO something about it. I have my hands full with FOUR kids!!" that's not being rude - SHE IS!!! You are telling her like it is. Stop pussy-footing around and being everyone's lackey - you are NOT!!

8. Prioritize your day. What is the most important thing? Next, and so on. YOU MUST TAKE TIME OUT FOR YOURSELF - PERIOD.

9. Make a menu for the week - this will help with your daily routine as well and with grocery shopping. If you have a grocery store that delivers - go for it. This saves you time and money (no binge buying) and YES! you can use coupons. When ordering your food - make sure you have a list of all that you NEED this will keep those last-minute runs to the store.

What I find helpful for me is to have beds made every day - that in itself makes the house look better right away. My kids vacuum for me - sometimes - it's not perfect - but it's a start.

If we lived closer - I would offer to come over and help get the house ready but really - she's coming to visit you, her son and grandkids - if she doesn't like the way the house looks - tell her she's more than welcome to clean it - you would RELISH the time with the kids - as after all they are the reason you are a SAHM!!!!

Oh yeah - set expectations with your husband. You are allowed expectations as well. This is NOT a one-way street. You are NOT everyone's whopping post. DO NOT let them do that to you. YOU ARE IN CONTROL. Take a deep breath -you CAN do this.

Updated

Oh girl!!!

I don't know where to start. I truly hope your therapist is helping you to compartmentalize your problems instead of dealing with every last one at the same time.

In MY OPINION - your first problem is your husband.

1. Your husband is a grown man.

a. He needs to start taking care of his own business - if he needs food - he can get up out of his chair and get it.

b. If he needs his clothes - he can get it - you are NOT his mommy or his maid - you are HIS PARTNER!!!

c. if he doesn't like the mess - he can help clean it up. Yes, he works all day and your are a stay at home mom - MOM being the operative word. Does he want someone to CARE for his children or does he want a nanny or a maid? If he wants a maid - he can hire one to come in and do the house work every week or every two weeks.

d. he is modeling behavior for the children. M stands for MOMMY NOT MAID! (that's the rule in my house) and you are allowing it. You CAN put your foot down - yes, it will be hard at first - but trust me - your life will be soooo much better when you take charge.

2. Your older kids are old enough to put their stuff away. If they don't - take it away - I know, mean mommy - but set the ground rules. If you take it out, you MUST put it away. PERIOD. If I pick it up - it's mine. This is what I do in my home. I give my boys two chances (and they are lucky to get that) but if I tell them twice and they don't do anything - MINE!!!)

3. Make a list of things to do during the day. Enlist the help of the kids - most kids LOVE TO HELP!!!

4. Find a dentist and doctors that are closer to home.

5. When you are running errands during the day - make a list - I need to do: x, y and z... make sure that your are doing things in order so you are not zig-zagging across town.

6. If the kids are whining - separate them. Set the rules, set boundaries and consequences for their actions. Good consequences for good behavior - bad ones for the unacceptable. Whining is a learned trait - they are modeling it after you or your husband - it was tried once and worked, and it continues to work for them - whether it be good or bad attention - they are getting what they want from whining.

7. Your MIL is coming? Well, if she bitches about it - then you can tell her what needs to be done. Simply say "well, instead of complaining about it - DO something about it. I have my hands full with FOUR kids!!" that's not being rude - SHE IS!!! You are telling her like it is. Stop pussy-footing around and being everyone's lackey - you are NOT!!

8. Prioritize your day. What is the most important thing? Next, and so on. YOU MUST TAKE TIME OUT FOR YOURSELF - PERIOD.

9. Make a menu for the week - this will help with your daily routine as well and with grocery shopping. If you have a grocery store that delivers - go for it. This saves you time and money (no binge buying) and YES! you can use coupons. When ordering your food - make sure you have a list of all that you NEED this will keep those last-minute runs to the store.

What I find helpful for me is to have beds made every day - that in itself makes the house look better right away. My kids vacuum for me - sometimes - it's not perfect - but it's a start.

If we lived closer - I would offer to come over and help get the house ready but really - she's coming to visit you, her son and grandkids - if she doesn't like the way the house looks - tell her she's more than welcome to clean it - you would RELISH the time with the kids - as after all they are the reason you are a SAHM!!!!

Oh yeah - set expectations with your husband. You are allowed expectations as well. This is NOT a one-way street. You are NOT everyone's whopping post. DO NOT let them do that to you. YOU ARE IN CONTROL. Take a deep breath -you CAN do this.

I know how you feel. Tonight my 4yr son came to snuggle with me in bed asking if he was grounded, I asked why and he told me because I was yelling about clean clothes being on the floor. I asked him ok then where should the clean clothes go and where should the dirty clothes go, he told me. I told him if they didnt get picked up that everyone but me was going to be wearing dirty clothes , he told me ok mommy im sorry when it is morning i will put them away.
I think us SAHM have to take the time to explain one on one what we expect out of our kids. They want to make us happy. Thankfully (or not) my husband got laid off from work and has been home SOOO I thought I would help at the kids school (All day lol) now he sees and knows being a SAHM can be lonly, depressing things like that, so now he understands and never complains if the house isnt spotless. it isnt always that I dont have the time to clean but that i get discouraged, depressed or overwhelmed(sp?) so I dont want to clean.
I have found that having the two older ones do one chore after getting home from school helps.
Good luck and know you are not alone.

Of course you are stressed. I have one child. Some days I don't get everything done. You have 4 young kids to deal with. At least two are there all the time, I am assuming.
:0) Good for you seeing a therapist. Taking care of self is something I am learning to do because of medical issues. You are not a baby. Motherhood and marriage are hard and stressful.

HI Mama,

You have a lot on your plate! Having kids is a full time job alone, not to mention household chores! Good job seeking help, that's the first step.

I have found a Love & Logic technique really helpful, it's called "drained energy". When the kids are fighting, you simply say that they are draining your energy and you can't take them to the park, allow them to watch TV, take them to friend's house etc, and for your energy to be refilled, they need to help you.

I also suggest you have a family meeting. Write out all the things that need to get done throught the day for everyone to see, maybe an hour by hour account would help. Kids and adults alike have a hard time understanding "I need help" but seeing the list of what you do and the time you have to do it in make it real. After you show everyone all you need to do, simply state that you expect help from everyone and they can choose their chore, or it will be assigned.

Keeping the house up is a family task, and the family needs to do it together.

Lastly, I've found when talking to my own husband I get the most help when I tell him exactly what I need from him, instead of expecting him to just figure it out. "I need you to wash the towels today." and he usually will.

Good Luck!

R. Magby

Have you heard of Tequila? Take a couple of shots and some deep breaths then tell your husband to shut up or he can start cleaning up after HIS kids if he doesn't like the way the house looks. You can't do it all for goodness sake

What? You have MS too? Now I really want to kick your husband's keester!

OK, all of your kids are old enough for you to teach them how to clean after their selves. You just have to enforce it. The kids fighting, you can plan activities for them all to do when in the house together. You can do home work time for the 5, and 7 year old, movie time for all. play time to keep all kids busy so it less messniess around the house.. or if thats not a option again teach them to clean up before dinner time.

Our men in our lives don't understand how hard it is to be a sahm so yes they expected us to do everything and cater to them. i do it everyday and it get's tuff. so just teach the kids how to help out. i don't think this will make you a bad mommy, it will teach them the responsbilities and independents and, skills that they have to learn in life.

Oh honey! I totally agree! Just add the hubby to the list of kids! Mine is just like a kid! We have a 4 month old, a dog, and an 84 yo grandmother with Alzheimers! I have 4 kids too! I think the therapist is the best thing for you. Also if its in the budget maybe find a Mothers' Day out program for the 2 yr old and 3.5 yr old. It may only be 4 hours, but at least its 4 hours you can get some stuff done! I would tell hubby, like I have told mine, he is quite capable of washing his own clothes and hanging them in a spot where he can find them. I would also get the 7 yr old to help or start taking stuff away. The babies just like to undo your work. Have a big garage sale and make you some money for a maid...just a one time thing! Call Merry Maids! They will help you get it together, even if you clean along side of them!

Oh my goodness! You poor thing. I love the suggestions you have gotten. Definitely get the appointment book, have a talk with the 5 and 7 year olds, they DO need to be helping you. Enlist the help of neighbors for carpooling and taking to activities, etc. Have you ever thought about a babysitter for a few hours each week? Maybe a neighbor who could watch the 2 and 3 year old while you clean, organize, or just meditate in the tub! You MUST talk to your husband about how difficult this is, and what you need from him. Keep up with the therapy and hang in there!

No, it's not just you. Being a SAHM is a ton of work. I only have 2 kids (4 and nearly 2). I can barely keep up with the housework. A therapist is a good idea. Help with the major cleaning would be good if you can afford it (even once a month or just before the holidays). I did this a few times at the end of my pregnancy with baby #2 and right after she was born and it helped a lot during a chaotic time.

You are NOT being a baby... I can't even handle one kid... so I can't imagine what it would be like to have 5!

I can see a few scenarios that may help... Your hubby doesn't understand how much work goes into your day......... Perhaps one weekend, you need to slip away and he can see how hard it is to keep the place in order.....

Also- The kids may be old enough to try to pitch in with the cleaning... Maybe you can make a game out of it. I know when I taught kindergarten, the kids would fight over who 'got' to wipe off the table or sweep up the floor... I wonder if the same competitiveness would occur with your kids?

Also- my friend used to rave about this system called flylady.

Here's the website-
http://www.flylady.net/

It's all about organization and developing routines for getting your life in order. You may want to check it out...

With your MIL coming, this may be the perfect opportunity for you to take a break.... Let her take the kids............pitch in on the cleaning......... If she thinks she can do such a better job, let her....

I hope things get better soon! Good luck!

Hi, Kid:
First of all get you an appointment book with 7
columns. (Like Dr,'s office has)
Put each person's name at the top of each column.
Husband, Your's, 2 y.o., 3 y.o., 5 y.o., 7 y.o., and 5 y.o. S-S.
Put in the regular routine things each has to do each day.
That is the first thing.

Second thing:
Work withh your husband as a team: Sit down with everyone and go over the appointment book.
Get a poster Board and let them help you put down the
rules of the house and the consequences.
Third thing:
If there are problems, gather everyone in a circle and facilitate
a group conscience by asking questions to the ones who initiated the problem and those who were harmed by the problem (which would be everyone else because you are all in a circle.)

The one who inititated the problem is asked the questions first.

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done?
In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

After that, ask the ones who have been harmed these questions:

1.What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident ad on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Then you right up and agreement with a end date.

Good luck.
D.

3.

Ugh!I will bet my bottom dollar you hubby will not survive a day in your shoes. I have done both the working mom and am now a SAHM, and by far the working was easy and I got paid to do it.

Has your hubby ever watched the kids for a day by himself? I'm sure he will appreciate how difficult it is. He may work long hrs but you're working endless hours.

Hubbies like this frustrates me. I lucked out with mine, who btw also work long hrs, but then again he may have instinctively known I'd ream him a new one if he even thinks of complaining about the house.

You've gotten alot of good advice so far...i think we've all been in the same boat as you! I only have 2 kids and some days i just want to run away!

I like Donna's suggestions...you need to come up with a plan with some actionable items. I don't think your husband realizes what you do all day so making a list of everything on a calendar type thing is a great idea. 5 and 7 YO's are capable of picking up after themselves. i know my 2 year old loves to put things back into containers so maybe yours will to :) you have to make it a game. A reward chart for the kids and a list of chores will do WONDERS!! it's sounds so dumb but it really works. The 3, 5 & 7 year olds will understand what it is, but probably not the 2 year old so much but he/she will learn by watching the rest of them.

Work as a team with your husband. i think sitting down and explaining the above to him will do wonders. he prob thinks you sit home all day eating bon bons :) haha But by having everything written out, maybe that will help you see what days are better for appointments, errands, therapy sessions, etc. And don't try to do everything in one day...figure out which are most important and do the top 3 or 4...whatever you decide.

ONLY WORRY ABOUT THE THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL. You can't worry about the kids getting sick (can't control that) or your MIL being a pain (can't control that either) but you CAN control chore reponsibilities in your house, relationships between you & your DH, you and your kids, etc. Enjoy the kids when they are young...sit and play games. they'll be grown before you know it.

I think it's unrealistic for kids of those ages to "really" clean up after themselves and "pitch in". Pick up their toys? Some of them. Put clothes in the hamper? With instruction.
You DO need to get organized. Sounds like a lot of your chaos is from not having a plan. It's just the way it is. You DO kind of need to be in charge. Who watches your kids when you go to therapy? Can you get a sitter for 1-2 hours a few days so you can stay put at home & actually accomplish something?
Try to plan "home" days and "running" days if you can. Yes--I know people get sick, but try on the typical weeks.
As for hubby, "he says he needs major help with getting his food and clothes around" ....I don't have a clue as to what that means. He's an adult. He can get himself fed and dressed.
Make a "to do" list for yourself every day. What didn't get crossed off of yesterday's list goes on today's list, etc.
Try www.flylady.net.
If you're not organized with a plan, you're gonna be toast.
Staying home IS a job and you've gotta make it happen or O. day just melts into the next with no goals, plans, etc.
Good luck.

It sounds more like you're running a daycare.
2+3+5+7....??? That is a lot of youngin's to tend to ALL day, EVERY day...and you have MS too? How are you managing your MS at the moment? Do you have symptoms? Do you have a treatment plan?

I always see suggestions for FlyLady when mom's are searching for ways to get organized and stay on top of it all. I personally have not used it.

I would recommend you come up with a chore chart for your family. The 5 & 7 yr olds are able to help with many chores: set the table, clear the table, unload the dishwasher. It helps to rotate those. The 3, 5 & 7 can all tend to the laundry with you. They are great sorters, can turn the laundry over, bring the dry clothes to your specified area for folding and they can help put away. But you will need to be an active leader for them before they can do it on their own.

And yes, it's very complicated having appts back to back...we have all had to squeeze things together like that..and are literally running to make it. Try to plan ahead and keep healthy crackers, cheese, fruit leathers, salami slices, etc handy to avoid meltdowns or having to drive through fast food places. I used to keep an extra diaper / snack bag ready. When one became empty, I picked up the next one.

I would also try to keep your life and any extra curriculars very simple right now. These physically demanding years will pass, you will have more time to clean up or catch up.

Your husband sounds like he needs more attention too and there is only so much of you to go around.

I used to work full time and I always believed that my house would be so much more organized and clean if I were a SAHM. And my oh my was I ever wrong. It's worse. It's worse b/c were here and in and out all day using the place. It was much cleaner when I worked. And everyday, I think I'll get to 'it' whatever it is.

I hope you and your husband and MIL will enjoy your time together and that it not turn into you feeling less than b/c you aren't able to keep up right now. That mentality has got to stop. You do not need the extra pressure of other's telling you how you should be doing things better.

Please take care of yourself first. Get up, get yourself ready for the day, then take of one thing.

One organizing tool I have done for many years is I brainstorm all that needs to be done (not housework). I prioritize it then I work on just the top 3 things. Then I play.

Well, the 2,3 and 5 year olds are not going to clean up the house and I'd be doubtful about the 7 year old, my son is only 5 so no experience there. Taking care of 4-1/2 kids is a FT job and expecting to keep the house spotless seems unreasonable. Since DH works 1 full time job and you clearly work several, perhaps that should be his job. Or if possible, hire someone to help. Or accept that some level of mess will be the norm for the next number of years. If MIL is a GUEST, she shouldn't be complaining. And since she is family, she should be helping. If she doesn't get it, then perhaps a hotel? At least that way she won't be even more work for you. Yes, you can help your kids learn to clean up after themselves - but it won't save you anytime because the most effective way to do this is to do it with them - that way they learn how to do it and it becomes a cooperative job, not an escalating series of threats and yelling.

Oh, and spend the therapist money on a maid.
Good luck,
D.