It's Not OK!!!

When my son was about 3 he took a small wooden knob from the hardware store. Had it in his pocket when we got home and showed it to me. I took him right back to the store and made him walk up to the counter and tell the clerk that he was sorry he stole this knob. The young kid working the register said, "oh thats ok", and I told him "NO IT ISNT OK" and he straightened up and in a fake deep manly voice said, "oh well, yes thats NOT RIGHT, you shouldnt have stolen it young man. Dont ever do it again!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing at how funny the situation was, even tho it was serious. The 3 yr old learned a lesson as did the teenager at the counter.

I can understand... I get the same reaction from other parents when I try to discipline my daughter.

Another thing that happens with us all the time, is she'll ask for something and I'll say no, but sometimes another adult close by will hear what she wants and will buy it for her and give it to her!! It's never been anything big, more like a small toy or ice cream or something - but still!! I don't think Raven is learning how life is really going to be if Mommy says no and then someone else she doesn't know is willing to give it to her! I think she's learning that being cute, sweet and pretty will get you anything and that is NOT the lessons I want her learning!

My response is "No, it's not okay, but thank you". I say it with a genuine smile. When the roles are reversed, I say to the parent (not within the child's earshot) "thank you, it's okay". That way they know I appreciate the intervention and that I've been there too!

They're not talking to your son, so much as you. As in that they understand that kids misbehave and they're grateful to you for taking appropriate action/ trying to alleviate your supposed embarrassment.

Forgiveness is what they're offering both of you, not disagreement as to whether or not something is acceptable behavior.

They are just trying to be nice, they mean no harm! They are telling you that your son's behavior does not offend them and they understand that kids do naughty things sometimes. They're trying to cut you some slack! Also, they empathize with your son because he is little and cute! Toddlers have a wonderful way of expressing EXACTLY what they are feeling at the EXACT moment they feel it! We adults kind of admire and envy that esspecially when WE are not the ones who have to disipline the child)! Haven't you ever been super frustrated and angry and just want to yell at your waiter "This food is burned, cold, and overpriced!" and then just throw the food on the floor? You would never do that of course, but you may imagine it! Or how about when you go shopping on Black Friday for an amazing deal and the woman RIGHT in front of you in line gets the very last of the item on sale! You kind of want to snatch it away from her huh? But you were disiplined by parents that loved you and taught you proper behavior, and you have 20 or 30+ years experience and maturity. So you can handle your emotions without hitting or throwing a tantrum (one would hope). Your son is still learning and he has a long way to go! But *it's OK,* he'll get there!

They are just trying to be nice. Just keep doing what you need to do. A stranger's comment isn't going to undermine your parenting.

Hi,

I completely understand! I have had parents or people come up and "correct" me as I am disciplining and they say---oh, its ok little guy- and then turn to me and try to give me parenting advice. I just have to say-- I don't take it. I don't take it from other people or anyone! If I am giving my child a timeout or telling them what they did was wrong---the person who comes up to correct me--has chosen the wrong mama! I tell her nicely but firmly to back off and let me handle this. I am disciplining my child--don't interrupt or try and correct me.

Its ok to stand up to others for butting in. It would be a different story if you were hurting him--but your NOT! So, they need to leave you alone and let you handle it. Make your opinion and voice heard----You can do it! Hang in there---things will get better.

M

i think it is extremely rude to actually tell someone that it is not ok, after they so kindly forgive the horrid behavior of ones child and i am so surprised at how many moms responded that they actually have told someone that!
hello, moms out there, the world does not revolve around your child.
obviously it wasnt perfectly acceptable for a kid to freak out at the store, but guess what? thats what EVERY single kid on earth does, i guarantee you at least a few times in their life, and those people just totally get it. we (with kids) are all in the same boat here!

good luck with the tantrums, just dont give in and they will subside!

Other people are modelling forgiveness.
You are teaching him accountability.
Your son needs to learn both.

You are working as a team.

I don't think they are saying it's okay to him. I think they are feeling sorry for your discomfort. That's how I feel a lot of the time too. People get so flustered in some situations. But I know exactly what you mean.

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I've actually told someone, "Thank you, but I'm trying to teach my child that unacceptable behavior is just that, unacceptable," turned my back on them, and proceeded to handle the situation. I understand I got a shocked look in response, but she didn't say another word.

And, I've received a nod of respect from other people a few times, too, as if to say they agree with me and approve.

You and your husband have my nod of respect ; )

i don't think there is a person out there that at one time hasn't looked at a toddler who is crying and thought to themselves "poor thing". it's a natural response i believe in being a woman. of course, there are those times, too, when i've thought to myself "dang shut the kid up" :) (but typically if they are screaming at their parents. i wouldn't tell people it's not ok. i think that what the lady in the library was doing was letting you know it happens to all of us. kids running up and taking things away or misbehaving. and a lot of older women will say the poor baby thing. if your son is throwing a fit, he probably doesn't even hear it. it's more than likely a statement for you.

Just last weekend there was a little girl sitting behind us at Fuzzy's kind of throwing a fit. She was oh - between 18 months and 2 years by my guess. When I got up to leave, she looked at me, and in that over-exagerrated mom/granma voice I said to her "it's ok, it really is! Life isn't so tough, I promise!" and she immediately quit crying and smiled at me. Her mom and dad beamed. I do that to break the little kiddo's train of thought, and turn it somewhere else.

Sorry for your frustration, but that is society these days and the fact they are trying to tell you they understand and it will get better. It also teaches your son to be a bit more understanding when these things happen to him by teaching him to blow it off and move on. Honestly, it is ok... he didn't do anything that harmed the other child. He is pushing his boundaries and you pulled him back into line... That's OK! They are not telling him to do it again or rewarding his behavior. It is good for him to explore these situations and learn and you are doing a great job!

I think they just said that because they liked how you handled it.
The behavior wasn't OK, but your handling of it was.
So take it as a compliment.
Welcome to Terrible Twos!
The next 2 or so years will be an intense course in learning about social behavior, pushing boundaries, negotiating/choosing battles and occasional full blown tantrums when you least expect them.
They grow from toddler to preschooler to kindergartner in a very short amount of time.
They are learning, but so are you - because parenting at this age is no easy ride.
I think the 1st year, the two's to kindergarten and teenage years are the toughest - and those are all times of rapid development.
Hang in there and try to hang on to your sense of humor - you are going to need it.

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You should be grateful that strangers are trying to be kind to you. Just like Abby said, would you rather people look at you and say "wow, your kids an out of control little jerk".

Trust me, if a stranger DID criticize your child, your be on here posting about how mean strangers can be. Trust me, I've been there! You want the kind strangers, not the mean ones!

I agree with Jennifer S. Many people say it's ok, because they know what you are going through, and it's mainly a way to show you that they understand. I remember when a person said that to me, while my son was around 3 and throwing a tantrum on the floor of a grocery store. I picked up my son and was about to walk out of the store and back to the car. They looked and said, "it's ok, this happens" I replied back, " well, if he can't behave right now it's off to the car we go." She just laughed and said, " good thing mine are grown up", we both laughed. That was it. I then put my son in the car and drove home.

Keep up the good work!
I just ignore the other parents or bystanders and continue with the discipline as you did. I later tell my son that it is NOT okay!
This recently happened to us at a restaurant. My son got out of his seat and was making faces at someone else's baby in a highchair as the Mom was trying to get him to eat. I told my son to get back in his seat and leave the baby alone because his Mommy is trying to get him to eat. The baby's Mom responded with "It's okay!" So my son says to me, "She said it's okay!" I then told him that she is not his Mommy. I am his Mommy and I told him to sit and leave the baby alone. I know other Moms are just trying to be nice, but it is annoying!

Yeah, we have had a turn at this a few times. Usually I just smile at the parent as say, Thanks. We are working on not throwing tantrums/sharing whatever" When parents say this they are not saying his behavior is ok, just really that they are not holding a grudge or that they are not angry. It's more of a comfort to you. Usually if a kid does something like this to my daughter, I may mouth "She's fine" give the parent some sort of silent nod or "don't worry about it" hand gesture. That way I am not interfering with discipline and it might set the mom at ease that we are not angry.

Just as an example, my daughter thought she was her cousin. So she runs over to this kid and yells, "David!" She already has personal space issues (constantly getting in kids faces or hugging them, she just is so excited she wants to be close) and with people she knows it's really bad. So I immediately told her to stop and not to touch him. Which she did. The other mom looked at me like I was crazy. I told her she thought he was her cousin and sometimes they wrestle, I didn't want her to tackle him. The other mom smiled and said he has three brothers and can handle his own. I laughed and said, "Yeah but we are working on personal space." She said she understood and that was that.

I know what you mean. I don't like when people say something is ok that clearly isn't. People usually say that sort of thing when they see that you are willing to correct your child, but I bet if you ignored his misbehavior they'd be the same ones tsking and shaking their heads and thinking of you as a bad parent. When you encounter that you should calmly say "No, doing _______ is never okay" then continue on. HTH. Best wishes!

I just think people don't know what to say. I use the "It's okay" line too, but I usually say it when the parent apologizes for their kids' behavior. When I say that, I don't mean that the behavior is okay....I mean to say "It's okay, I have two of my own, so I've been there!". Good for you for disciplining for these things. I can't tell you how maddening it is when kids do those kinds of things to my kids (i.e. the library incident) and the parent is nowhere to be found, so I have to deal with the situation myself only for the parent to walk up after the fact while I'm trying to sort out the situation with their kid and mine now wailing because someone was mean and took their stuff away from them.

I wouldn't do anything differently. You are not a mean parent (I'm impressed that you are being a parent!). It's funny...I've noticed with the older generation that there seems to be the "Aww...it's okay" ones that don't want you to discipline a "baby" and then there are the ones that just complain because of the "kids these days". The former are just nostalgic and I'm sure if they had to live with the fits, etc. on a daily basis, they would change their tune. The latter would probably give you a pat on the back for taking charge of the situation.

Honestly, just ignore people's reactions to your disciplinary techniques. It sounds like you're doing an awesome job to me. I would never say "Yay Mom!" to you in a store for fear of hurting your feelings in the middle of a situation like that, but I would be patting you on the back in my mind.

I totally understand what you are saying! It even bugs me when my children apologize and are told "it's ok" b/c, like you said, it's not! I have taught both my kids to say "I forgive you" when another child apologizes to them.

I personally think the other Mom was taken aback and felt awkward because let's face it..Many parents don't correct bad/innapropriate behavior. You did the right thing and I think she was at a loss and was trying to be polite. Right or wrong on her part I don't think she wanted to escalate the situation. Kudos to you Mom.

I find myself blurting that out now and again. It never means that what the kid did was OK. It means I understand that the child is young and things like this happen and they are learning not to do it but there are going to be slip ups. It means I appreciate the apology, spoken or not and know that you do not condone the behaviour.
It's a generic statement to blurt out to say I've been there and know what you're going through.
Yes, it would be nice if there was something better to say but, robotically sometimes, that's what comes blurting out "It's OK".
It's my way of saying the situation is dealt with, no harm no foul, we're all good here.
I will say that if a child does something and the parents do nothing or say nothing believe me it never comes across my lips. Nothing is OK there.

Maybe the person is trying to make you feel better, that it is OK to you and you will get through the terrible two's.
Also if the other child, at the library, was older than yours and old enough to start understanding toddler behavior then she was teaching him to be patient with babies, or telling you "hey no biggie, no feelings hurt".
It's something we do in society, we affirm to the parents not necessarily that the behavior is OK, but that we are not offended at their child's behavior and you have every right to continue to teach and discipline as you are doing.
Most of the time the women who say that are those who have "been there done that" with a two year old and understand exactly how you feel.

So that being said, It's OK M., he will grow out of it.

I think you are over reacting a bit. I too am a parent who doesn't not tolerate bad behavior but effective discipline is consistancy. Its easy to become exasherbated when you are in a situation that requires you to discipline in a public setting. But if "No" means "No" 100% of the time, these rare occassions don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Be consistant regardless if you are in public or in private the correct message will get through.

you are sooo not mean parents!!! YOU GO!!!! I do the same thing....remove my child, etc. thank God - they are 11 and 9 now and I don't have to stress like that....

The other parents - well, they are trying to be nice and sympathetic...instead of just saying THANK YOU....

You are NOT the harsh mom...You have set rules and boundaries and given consequences for those actions...you just keep going!!! You will be fine!!

This is frustrating, but at the same time no one likes when another person disciplines her child. So, when my son was younger and someone excused his behavior like that, I would get down on my son's level and say "You do not ___. Say sorry to this boy." I don't acknowledge or agree with the other parent's comment b/c I know he/she isn't doing it intentionally.

I don't think they feel sorry for your son (except maybe Miss Puppy-eyes), just uncomfortable being around another child being disciplined. Ignore the comments, especially mid-tantrum. Kids are really ego-centric at that age and he probably wasn't listening to her anyway b/c he was focused on getting his way!

We've left many stores mid-tantrum and if you are consistent with him it will get better. My son just turned 3 and can handle disappointment pretty well now, but the last 18 months were pretty rough.

I always tell other people's kids that. If they make a mistake and rectify it (aplogize, give it back, etc) who am I to tell them it's not ok? That's the mom's job to be the bad guy :). So I tell them no big deal, it's okay, thanks, whatever fits, and go about my day.

That happens all the time. I've had that happen as well. My son will do something that is reprimand worthy, so I admisister the reprimand and someone, usually the other parent involved or a passer-by, will say something to make light of the situation. I just very matter of factly say that my son did x,y,z, and needs to understand this behavior is not acceptable. I don't make a big deal of it, but I generally do say something to indicate that, as you said, it's NOT ok! I think people just feel sorry that their child was somehow involved in something that resulted in another child getting reprimanded and maybe don't know if their child may have done something contributory... or as Abby so comically said, they know it's stressful for you, the parent, so they are just uncomfortable and trying to lighten it up a little... but I agree, it's not helpful. As you said, when 'you' know your child did something that warrants a reprimand, you don't want people negating it...

I read your question and then your update to your question and then other comments. LOL! is all I can think of. I've been told by strangers, family and friends the same thing. And to ALL I have responded the same thing... "Excuse me? It is not OK. He needs to learn what is right from wrong, and this is wrong." And that's it. Everyone does comment on how well behaved my kids are just not when I'm disciplining them.
Also, my friend says to me as long as it isn't my kid(meaning hers), it's ok!

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I think that it's great you're trying to do the right thing & teach him right from wrong early! As for the reactions you mentioned, I think they probably were just trying to be nice & make light of the situation, maybe in their minds they thought they were putting you at ease somehow w/them saying "It's okay" but you're right in feeling that your son needs to be corrected when he does something wrong. How else will he learn?? I remember doing the same thing when I was really young, like your son, not really knowing I was doing 'wrong' b/c I never had taken a book from someone who had it first so my mom did the same thing you did, told me the other girl had it first & to give it back. The girl's mom said "oh it's okay honey, you can get another book" to her daughter so I could have my 'fave' book to read but looking back now, it was wrong for her to do that b/c it just made me feel I was right. I truly didn't understand why I couldn't have my fave book to read, I had always been able to get it before...so just letting your son know not only taking it out of turn was wrong & 'why' it's wrong how he did it, right away is the best way to handle it IMO.