Is This Rude?

Here's my inflammatory answer (I'm assuming you don't want me to 'play nice, or you wouldn't have asked this question in this way) : are they just *that dense* socially, or is there some kind of personality disorder/enabling codependent situation happening with these folks? In my opinion, this is beyond rude, this is "we are going to put you in your place". (Possibly borderline or narcissistic? I have people like this in my family, and passive-aggressive belittling like this stinks of their MO and how they tend to think.)

The next time they offer to bring food, you can either say "oh, just bring something for yourself" and make something your family will enjoy for dinner, or say "great. If you are going to that fancy Italian restaurant, be sure to pick up some for us. We love Italian food too." If this offends them, too bad. Their actions were beyond thoughtless-- this sounds very, very pre-meditated. You will likely "lose" either way, but at least you won't be stuck with fast food.

If you think they fall under the Personality Disorder category, and are looking for resources/support, too, there are support groups online. PM me and I can share a great one. I know I need a place to go vent and get help/advice/insight from time to time. People like this are crazy-making! And yes, sick.

Good grief girl! Don't play into this. YES! They are completely rude. This is so openly ridiculous it is obnoxious. They are certainly making a point to be this way. You have to just let it go. People who do this sort of thing are trying to get a rise out of you, don't give them the satisfaction. Next time they invite themselves to dinner tell them you have dinner plans, they can come visit after. Never let them see you get upset over what they do, in fact brag about how great the cheap chicken is, and how glad you are they didn't get you the Italian. Ha ha! They will probably bring the Italian next time and eat all the chicken.

Good luck, and don't let it get to you. They are the ones with the problem not you and you do not have to let it into your lives.

Definitely rude, but you can't change them, you can only change your expectations.

Next time they offer to bring food just say "oh I couldn't possibly accept, that is too much trouble." If they insist, say "I'm already planning to make x for dinner, but if you want to pick up something else for yourself feel free". If they argue, say "I respect you too much to argue about this". Repeat last phrase as often as necessary.

Yes sounds like they are stuck up and rude. But you can't change who they are - just deal with them. Next time, have your husband say something like "Mom, pass me your plate and I'll serve you some chicken." or "Pass me the pasta so I can serve everyone on this end of the table." Or next time, tell them that you're not interested in having them pick up food for dinner. Either come empty handed, with a bottle of wine, or dont' come at all.

I feel sorry for your husband, being raised by these people!

Yes this is rude, either bring the same for everyone or separate based on preferences. Was the italian food more expensive? Are they too good for the chicken? Or does your family love chicken and they would rather not?

Why would you ever buy dinner to take to someone's house when dinner was offered? Did they think they were doing you a favor? or are they really being rude? To me it says you can't cook so we will bring dinner....I totally understand. On the other hand maybe they didn't want to burden you. HOWEVER, to not bring enough of all FOR all is completely RUDE.

I do not think bringing the food was rude. That just sounds helpful. And bringing two things even sounded OK because I thought that meant everyone would be offered a choice. But bringing a meal from Place XYZ for themselves and Place ABC for everyone else is a tad bit wacko.

But of course, you can't stoop to their level. So the best you can do is eat what they brought, thank them for their kindness, and maybe say, "Gosh, that looks absolutely delicious. I am a HUGE fan of Italian food. Just the smell is making my mouth water" then just smile and move onto another topic. Passive yes, but they really backed your into a corner.

I agree with you! I would be VERY offended that they did this.

Extremely rude and just goes to show that money cannot buy class.

I haven't read the other answers yet.
Just a few thoughts off the top of my head.

When MIL calls and says "We're coming for dinner,"
if it were me, I'd say . . . "Oh I'm sorry you didn't let us know before this.
We have other plans this evening. We could plan this for an evening next week, if you'd like." or something like that.

Don't let anyone, even MIL tell you they're "coming over"
with no notice whatsoever. Just my opinion.

Next -- When she says "We'll bring food" you could say . . .
"Oh. What were you planning to bring?
Let me check w/DH and DD about what they would like."
etc.

Since you have said she treats all of her SILs and DILs this way,
at least you know you are not singled out.

I don't know that you can teach these people new ways of treating you.
However, you can respond with better strength, self-regard
when they do this kind of sudden, unexpected surprise.
Have you had conversations with DH about his parents
and how he and his siblings felt while they were growing up?

Have you ever had any kind of real conversation
w/you MIL or FIL?

Have you got together w/your DH's sibs to discuss the situation in general?
Perhaps the group of you can come up with some tactics/methods
for dealing with these (very strange) people so that you're all on the same page.

As regards "rude" . . . .
Personally, I don't like the word "rude".
Various reasons.
I would say, instead
insensitive
boorish
ignorant
selfish
self-centered
probably will think of a few more after I send this off

You might want to take this list with you
if/when you have this conversation w/DH's sibs' husbands and wives.

Good luck!!

That does seem rude, why did they not bring the same food for everyone? Do they think you all do not like Italian food? If this is an on going issue I would have your husband talk to them about how you all feel.

Yes they are rude, but i'd just let it roll off my back if I were you. Getting angry takes up your time, saps your energy and has a negative impact on your health. Are they really worth all that?

Extreeeeeeeemly rude!! Tacky, Tacky, Tacky!!! Borderline nut-job! I would be offended if they brought any food to eat, especially if they brought separate things for themselves. I would stop having them over. You might ask to meet at a restaurant or at their home, or some time before or after a meal when food is a non-issue. You don't want to teach this kind of passive-aggressiveness to your children!!! Make sure your hubby is on board. Have him confront his parents. (As he should have done long ago!)

Boy, aren't your In-Laws a 'fun' bunch?
Feel sorry for you... not easy.

But.... they will always be that way. So... what then?
Does your Husband defend you in their poor behavior? I hope so.
He SHOULD... be doing that.
Not being a mama's boy... if he is.

They won't change ya know. And you are stuck with them... since you are married to their Son... and all other Spouses of their Kids... probably can't stand them either. So... you are not alone.

Have a Plan B.
Either not be around them or, take the high-road... or with your Husband... you both... have your own plans.
If you don't wanna be around them... then don't.
They already think the Spouses of their kids are "beneath" them... so so what? They will think what they want, negatively... about you/the other Spouses... even if you were a perfect Saint.
NO ONE will be perfect enough... for them. No matter what.
So go about YOUR ideas...about being around them or not.
Why try to impress them. They cannot be impressed.
They choose... to be.... snobs.

Hi A.,
I'm not sure it's RUDE exactly,
But it does seem very odd!
Do they think they're doing you a favor by not having you cook (don't go through the trouble dear, we'll just pick something up)?
Why wouldn't you all go out to the italian place?
Do they believe your husband or child think it's a TREAT when Grandma brings over Roy Rogers?
Sigh, not sure WHAT the reasoning is in ANY of it!
Sorry you've got to deal with it....
Do YOU at least like fried chicken? tehehehe
:(

Sorry but I cracked up reading your post. I thought I had the only in laws that would do something like this, guess not. Now I always just make a full dinner for our family & tell them they can take their leftovers home for scraps for their dogs. And my in laws are very wealthy too. Just laugh their ignorance off.