Is the Help Even Worth It??

I would sit down with him today and explain this is why you would like the help.. after doing it, now he should understand.

Tell him to give it another shot. Lay out all the kids clothing and shoes so its ready to just put on in the morning and have breakfast set up so all they have to do it get it ready and eat it. Then give him a schedule... x wakes up at this time, all should be dressed and breakfast ready by this time. Leave by this time. It should go easier if everything is set up and ready to go and he can see what time everything needs to be done by instead of doing it by the seat of his pants.

If that still doesn't work then tell him you will do the mornings but he has to do the afternoon pick ups. Again write all the times for where they need to go and pick up times. If he has it written out he should be able to do it, tell him its not going to go smoothly the first time but you would appreciate it if he tries to help. Even if it doesn't go well.. still thank him for his effort, wether it was a great effort or not.

Sometimes when my husband kindly offers to help - IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! lol, because I do it all of the time, he has no idea what happens after he leaves the house to go to work. You have to lay out the routine for him, then he can chop and change it as he needs to. It's like starting a new job, he needs training!

that's the problem with being efficient, isn't it? you get a good system hashed out, but then no one else can step in and implement YOUR system because they weren't around when you grew it organically.
that doesn't mean you can't get help. you just have to orient everyone so they know things won't be exactly as they're used to, and both let your husband do things his way AND give him some tips on how you've made it work.
he doesn't have to use your tips.
but they don't get to holler at you. they need to figure out their own systems so they can cope when you're not around.
after all, if it only flows when you're in charge, you're not helping your kids learn independence nor letting your husband know you have faith in him, you're just enabling them to keep relying utterly on you. and who wants that?
lay down the law with firmness and humor and then step back and let 'em roll.
khairete
S.

Don't answer your phone. Make your husband and children work it out on their own. Your husband needs to learn to act like a father - not just a weekend dad, but a dad ALL THE TIME. That means learning not to yell at the kids.

Write down what the kids are used to as far as scheduling is concerned. Suz T gives you good advice. Dad doesn't have to use your tips, but he does need to help out ANYWAY. Have him do it enough so that he learns what works for him.

If you just throw in the towel and don't expect him to "help", then you are either telling him that he's not good enough to be a weekday dad, OR that he gets out of the responsibility of stepping up as a parent because of being incapable of handling it. Don't give him the excuse to get out of this. You work even harder than he does. Don't ever let him act otherwise.

Dawn

I would tell the kids to listen to dad, he is in charge this morning. No calling me to complain. He has his way, and you have yours. I know us Moms think what we do is better...and it is. But dads need to know you have their back. Ask husband not to yell in the morning...it makes for a bad day all around for the kids.

You've done it all and have worked into a routine.
Dad is new to this and has no idea what your routine is.
Communicate what you do, and then it's up to him to either emulate it or come up with what works for him.
Do not allow yourself and the kids to gang up against Dad - it's not fair.
Nip that phone exploding thing from your son in the bud.
When he calls ask
"Is the house burning down?" No.
"Is anyone bleeding or needing a trip to the emergency room?" No.
"Did the dog eat the cat?" No.
"Well then this isn't an emergency. Work with Daddy on this and be open to the possibility you might still have a good day.".
If you want a break from time to time, you've got to share the child raising when possible and let Dad work things out his way.
It's good for the kids in the long run to know there's more than one way of doing things even if they're a little out of their comfort zone for right now.

I used to be just like you. There is a learning curve on all sides, your hubby's and your kids. Have you discussed the timing of the morning? Did he oversleep and try to rush them out of the house where you have them eat breakfast first?

Write up a morning schedule for everyone to see and follow.
6:15 - wake up April
6:30 - make breakfast (cereal/milk, eggs, etc. what do your kids expect?)
6:45 - wake up Billy & Claire
7:00 - walk out the door

At our house, the kids are so used to their Dad's routine that now when I try to be the morning person they gripe at me. :(

I think a family meeting is in order.
Dad is not the same as mom. My own husband has less patience and is more of a yeller then me, so I know where you're coming from. He's gotten mellower over the years, but still, he's not me.
The kids need to get up and get ready for dad. Just because he's gone most of the time doesn't mean they shouldn't respect him. And your kids should NOT be calling you complaining about it! That's a major pet peeve of mine. I don't want my kids calling me to whine and complain about something I can't do anything about. I only want them calling me in an emergency, or if they are sick or there's a change of after school plans, that kind of stuff.
You either work with your husband and kids over this, or you continue to do everything on your own. But be careful, women who have a tendency to "do it all" often end up feeling bitter and resentful against both their spouses and children, especially as the children get older and just EXPECT you to do everything :(

Think of it this way. Your kids are used to the routine that you have set up. This change in routine is not what they are used to. There are probably things you do way differently than dad is doing.

I know for me I get my kids up in a calm fashion. Allow them to watch one cartoon while I help them get dressed. After that we continue our morning routine, one being lunch making which I don't involve them with often (they are 6 and 4) and don't usually care what I pack them. My husband however will abruptly wake them up, yell at them to dress themselves, ask them what they want for lunch and when they don't answer get upset and make them pack it themselves...and so on. It sets the whole morning off and by the end of it...I just like you say forget it, I will do it myself....

Perhaps either allowing your husband to work with you in the morning so he can watch/pick up the routine or writing down the routine...may help.

You just need to put everything in perspective and realize both the kids and your husband need to adjust. Good luck!

Your husband does not have the practical experience that you do. We women do a lot, especially when we have jobs and young children. Have a talk with your husband, and actually write down a list of what he needs to do. I realize that this will take you some time, but having a "to do" list is something your spouse can use and practice with. He is simply used to taking care of only himself. I'm sure he thinks you are a wizzard at day planning, and you are!

Time for a talk with your husband.

Him: I want to help you out this week.
You: Great. Tell me what that looks like for you. What do you need my help with to make that go smoothly?

Make him *really* think about it.

I'd put this back on his lap, talk with him about how tomorrow morning will go, step by step... and then tell him that you are not going to answer your phone. Tell the kids that too-- "DO not call me. Work it out yourselves, please. I'm on the road and I don't want to be a distracted driver because it's not safe." And if it blows up again, don't answer the phone. Let them work it out.

Your husband is stepping into new shoes, so to speak-- you have been doing a great and awesome job of keeping your family going, and this is his opportunity to learn.

When it comes to my husband and son--when they are having a hard time together, I very much excuse myself. I deal with our son all the time-- If I go in and rescue the situation, I'll be keeping my husband helpless and my son will learn that women do the hard work in the family and daddy is just along for the ride. Not fair to anyone.

Suz T.. said it great.

You parent the way you do and Dad parents the way he does.

Sit down with husband and let him know that the schedule is not a suggestion.. it is something you have worked on or years and tye kids are trained to follow it, and you are trained to implement it.

Let him know if he follows the way the rest of the household does, he will get things done a lot easier. Sure he can surprise them with a fancier breakfast or some other things, but the kids may balk..

Children LOVE and thrive on structure and schedules. They like knowing what is next and what is expected of them.. but not corrected after they did it their own way.. if the result is the same..

Also speak with the children about how dad, is not there all of the time and so when he is in charge, it is ok for him to do it "dads way." Also if dad is there and the house is not on fire, they do not need to call you. They need to speak with dad. He is in charge when you are not there.

Hang in there and let dad be dad.. Make sure the children respect him as a parent.. There are more than one way to do things.. Kids really can learn to do it moms way and then do it dads way.. They can all handle this with your permission.

With all due respect - he gets to make some child rearing decision too. :)

Oh I completely understand. My husband traveled when the kiddos were younger (still does) and his "help" wasn't really help.

The kids and I had a schedule. He would come home and want to change the schedule to fit his needs and not ours. I finally had to sit him down (just the two of us) and explain our schedule and why it is the way it is. He would try and say "but if you would do it like this, it would help". I always answered, "I understand it would help YOU, but YOU aren't here the majority of the time. You need to change to fit US". I also said that if you aren't here for a majority of the time, you don't get that much of a say in how things are done on the home front. Your kids are taken care of, healthly, happy and alive when you come home at the end of your business trips. The "home" was my job and work was his. I told him "I don't go to your office and tell you how to do your job, don't come to mine and tell me how to do mine"!

As for your son calling, you need to speak with him and your husband. I remember our son was about 3 or 4 and my husband was home (its a miracle) and hubby told son to do something. Our son looked at his father and said "you aren't the boss of my, she is". Well, there ya go! My husband and I talked later that evening and he was upset. My comment to him was "you aren't here. What do you expect"? Now, when this was said, I told our son that you listen to Daddy. The conversation I had with hubby was without the kids. I also said that if you put as much time with your family as you do with work, you would understand that you have a fantastic family! Hubby did make some changes and join our family.

I guess what I'm saying is your husband needs to learn YOUR schedule and work from that. He needs to be present and not yell at the kids. He misses enough as it is, he doesn't want to make it so that they hate when their father is home.

Oh my gosh... I can totally relate!!! My husband is only home a few days a month so I gave up on asking for help a long time ago! He doesn't understand that we have a routine and it runs like clockwork!! Seriously!

While I understand he has "his" way of doing things, we're all used to doing things our way 95% of the time and when he's here, it just all gets screwed up. When he "helps," it's utter chaos, my kids end up being angry and usually late for things. So we decided we would just continue with our routine and get him involved in other ways.

He helps the kids when they're home and plays games, etc. But when there are schedules that need to be kept, usually I'll just suggest he relax and let me handle things. Most of the time this works and he stays out of our way! Sounds a little harsh, but I had to do something or we would have all gone nuts by now.

Good luck!!

I agree: talk to DH about it beforehand, then call a family meeting. He & the kids need to work through this, but the kids need to understand/respect/listen to Dad, even though he's probably not doing things the way you're used and the kids are used to.

Set the rules/expectations (try to make them reasonable) regarding what needs done, and then ask the kids to help figure out ways so that it's less difficult for things to work out. If you can get the kids problem solving you'll see they feel they have more ownership of it. And don't shoot down ideas--let all the ideas be written down, even "dumb" ones; once they are written out, go through and pick out the ones that work the best.

If you can, do a crash course on How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & How To Listen so Kids Will Talk with DH (you don't have to tell him its from a book). Lots of good strategies in there for diffusing the screaming/anger/resentment.

So sorry you are dealing with this. My husband doesn't travel and is home to help in the mornings a lot, but I still get frustrated because he doesn't do things my way (:D) or keep the kids on the schedule we need to be on time to preschool, Here is what I would recommend:

1. Make sure the kids know in advance that their dad will be getting them ready and you will have left for work by the time they wake up
2. Choose clothes the night before so there is no arguing about what to wear
3. Write a schedule for your husband, including exactly what needs to be done and how long it should take, so that the kids maintain their normal routine and everyone is on time to school/daycare
4. Tell the kids that they need to behave for their dad the same way they would behave for you, even if he does things differently (who knows, sometimes different can actually be better)

Hopefully, if everyone knows what to expect, things will run smoothly and your husband won't yell.

I hear ya! My hubby too works out of town 5 days a week and I take care of everything as well ( 3 kids, work full time, extra activities, house, laundry, groceries, dr appts, etc...). You're right. It is life and we manage.

I have gotten to the point that I don't ask for help and I just do it on my own. That way the schedule goes on as needed and no extra grief for it being interuppted. It is alot easier going thru our daily schedule vs getting upset b/c of how you expected the help to actually help you/.

Sorry I don't have much advise to help, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Good luck!

I didn't read all of your answers but I do agree with some of the ones I did read, Children have to learn to deal with there Fathers (and other people) as they are, no one does things the same way, let the kids know if Dad is going to be filling in on a chore and let them work out their own system for dealing with the chore and each other, I didn't develop my routine in one day I don't expect my hubby to get it all down in one shot, he does things about the opposite of me all the time, in fact my kids are more focused with Dad gets them read for school because the routine is so different. but if he is offering to help, let him, and let the chips fall where they may, they need to learn to work with each other in their own way, both the Hubby and the kids, it is good practice for the real world.