Ils Too Old/sick to Care Properly for Special Needs Niece and Nephew...

I have a 15 year old step son that has pdd, he is very similar to Aspergers and is bipolar with learning disabilities, he lives with us, and I have a step daughter with bipolar, Add, and ODD. Their father never lived with them and their mother was neglectful and abusive. We had both in our care a few years ago because their mother beat up the boy, the states primary goal is to keep all kids with their mother even though we were clearly the stabile family that could give them what they needed. The girl went back to her mother and the boy wanted to stay with us. We did not have the financial resources to fight the battle to keep her. We now have a 23 month old daughter. With that background info provided to you I have to give some advice. My house is constantly tense and I am having to try to make it appear as it is not for my daughters sake. We spend many hours at meetings, appts., with doctors, school, therapists, and tutors trying to get my stepson to get on/stay on a good path. We are constantly battling the past, and trying to teach "an old dog new tricks", I am constantly a second class to citizen to his mother in his eyes even though I have been the only real/responsible mother he has known. We have no control over what goes in their mothers house which is also a constant battle. All I want is peace and time to be my daughters mother. You really would be taking on a huge reponsibility and would constantly be torn in trying to do the right thing for the other children and constantly being being broken down emotionally. Those children are older and have very difficult issues for you to deal with. I wish I could tell you to do your best to get her, but your life will really be upside down for a child who truly would not uderstand why you would be imposing rules for everything in her life. She is not used to "normal". My husband and I are always exhausted. I really could go on and on. Be careful what you wish for, I really wanted custody of them also. I do not regret having him here, I just do not know what I would do again after having all the knowledge and life experience I now have, if I was given this opportunity again. These type of children are difficult even being brought up well, and then when they are not it is really difficult. They are constantly in survival mode and not having the capacity of a "normal" child it takes YEARS longers to make a change! Good luck to you. My advice is to continue to help as a secondary care give not as a primary and then if it needs to change at some point don't just allow them straight in your house without systems in place from the state or county. Such as in state insurance for all the therapy they will need, in home therapy, specialty schools, and/or specialty programs. I really could go on and on.

Alot of abravations but i think i got most.
If DH means deployed husband then contact the jag office of his branch, if not then contact a lawyer, and have visations set up and also have it set so you and the children can have over nites and away visits so they can get use to you.
Disabilitie and parental groups may help also.
D.

Are you sure that the kids are formally adopted? Usually, once an adoption is final, state funds stop unless the kids are entittled to SSI due to a parental death. If your MIL only has custody, then she would still be getting state funds to help care for the children. Otherwise, the only funds I can think of that she'd be getting is foodstamps and healthcare.

If your MIL is not providing necessary medical care or proper nutrition for those kids, then she is in violation of child care laws by denying critical care for those kids. This is most likely why she does not want workers involved.

With her husband being as ill as he is, she may not be able to provide other critical care either. You must step in! Her pride is getting in the way of those kids having their critical care needs being met and it WILL have long term effects on them. (I used to work for a company that was contracted by the Department of Human Services and am quite familiar with the laws in my state and have seen first hand what happens to kids when their basic needs are not being met - it isn't pretty).

Take the time to research your states DHS to find out more about what you can and cannot do legally.

Perhaps, at this point, it would be best to threaten her with involving the state if she does not temporarily turn over custody of the kids, at least until her husband gets better? If you do involve the state, be sure that they know beforehand that there are others in the family (like yourself)who are more than willing to take in the kids as the state would much rather keep them with family rather than packing them off to total strangers. You may have to go through a class for foster parents in order to keep them, be sure to mention that you are willing to do this as well.

If these kids do not get the medical intervention that they need (and soon!), it will have life long repercussions for them. Due to their age and the fact that neither has been treated yet, they will already have some life long problems, and not simply because what they have are life long disorders, but also because it wasn't treated at a younger age. These kids need to learn how to manage themselves and their disorders before they become old enough to not want to do so or begin to think that they don't need to.

Whatever you do, it may alienate the MIL and FIL. It's a risk you will have to take in order to give these kids a chance for as normal of a life as they can. They are the priority here, not your MIL's pride or soothing of that pride. The kids are not getting their basic needs met (food, safety, medical....) When it comes to children and there care, when is a good time? When it's too late? Good luck to ya hun. I'm cheering for ya.

Hi J.
Will your MIL let you take the kids for a week at a time over the summer that way they get to really know you and your family rules and are familliar with them if anything were to happen. Also it will give her a break and she may eventually decide that it is easier if you keep them.
Your MIL keeps telling you you will get them if anything happens. Is this in there will? otherwise you may have a huge legall fight on your hands when something does happen. Just keep trying to help where you can and things will work out the way they should all thou that may not be the way you want. Good luck in this diffucult frustrating situation ;)T.

Wow! Lots going on for you right now!

Have you thought of contacting a lawyer for advice or contacting social services w/ child endangerment? Reason being, if both of those children have aspberger's and 1 w/ bp as well....are they getting the meds on time, enough, etc? Your concern is worth while and needs to be addressed to someone besides your DH and IL's. You are already 2nd kin and willing to take these children in...or one of your other sibling IL's. Age is always a factor for your IL's and the law may see it fit to move these children for extenuating circumstances.

There are a lot of younger couples who are raising children while one parent is dying from cancer or other illnesses. The age they are isn't all that old, so if your mother in law is healthy, they will manage. Chances are if there is only 4 and 6 years until they are grown and will be able to be out on their own, they will be living with their grandmother. Now think of it like this, she is more a mother to those two children then a grandmother and you are asking her to give up her children. I know she claims you will be raising them if something happens to grandpa, but unless she is no longer able to take care of them, my guess is she will continue to be the mom and not want to give up her children. Could you imagine giving up your child for any reason? Be available to help out with breaks and backing her, but don't think about raising them yourself, it would be devestating for both children and in laws.

J.,

Regardless of what the situation will be down the road, the fact is that the kids have been adopted by your in laws. Unless they are doing something that truly endangers the safety of the kids or they are being neglected, what happens to them right now is their decision.

I know it would probably be in the kids best interest to go with you now, but you aren't their parents so you don't have that say. When you do go to the in laws to try and work something out, make sure they don't see it as an attack, or you will never get their cooperation. Then the ones getting hurt are the niece and nephew.

Best of luck,
S.

Whatever happens, get yourself involved in a support group for families of special needs kids ASAP. Even if you don't get custody, you are being asked to assist in a very, very difficult situation and you need encouragement! (If you are in the Twin Cities, reply to me and I can connect you to a great little group of moms with special kids.) Because you may eventually have to take on the kids doesn't make it any easier for your in-laws to give them up - even if they aren't able to do all for the kids that is needed. Special kids are a tremendous responsibility and a ton of work, as well as blessing. The intricacies of family interactions, regrets and promises made all color a person's decision to let go, as does the implication for an elderly person that they are incapable (whether or not this is true). Be gentle and be consistently supportive. The whole family needs you!

SAHM of seven (bio/adopted/special needs)

I think it's good that you want to help care for these kids that are not yours and with the problems they have. I just don't think the two sibling should be split between you and the rest of the family. They will need each other. Whoever takes them will need the support of the other family with getting breaks etc. There should also be help in your area to be able to get a reprive from them. If your MIL refuses to see if she is hurting the children that needs to be brought up to her and if that doesn't work you may have to go to the authorities. You could let them know that you are willing to have custody of the children etc and that they need to stay with their family. This is after all what is best for the children not your MIL.

Dear J.,

Before adopting or becoming the primary care givers to these children, I would HIGHLY recommend the following materials. They should not only help you in dealing with the MIL/FIL but also with the kids and perhaps even their biological mom:

Binding the Wounds video series http://www.yourlri.com/store/category.cfm?type=top&id=9
(This site has many other products to choose from... excellent!!! Example: The Journey, etc.)
Boundaries (book)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0762421029

Yes, I agree that something should be done as long as the children are in danger or being neglected. You need to be sure that you will be prepared to take on the responsibility though... it won't be easy. You also need to ensure that you won't be endangering your own children by bringing in these special needs kids into your home.
God bless!

I would try to get a non-biased third party involved--someone who can advocate for the kids without all of the emotional baggage that family brings. Do they have a social worker, guardian ad litem or any one like that assigned to them? How about a counselor or social worker at their school? What about having a social worker from the nursing home talk to your MIL and FIL? Sometimes people are much more willing to listen to someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation. Good luck and good for you for wanting to care for the children!

We have a special needs daughter that's 4 and we are in the process of adopting another 7 year old daughter that's just like her.
My best advice would be to show them the positives of the change. They would have the chance to just be grandparents and would be able to enjoy their last years together doing what they want to do. They would be able to visit the kids whenever they wanted and would be able to help them through the transition. Since they seem to be proud people I would focus on what the positives would be and not what they are doing wrong or aren't doing for the kids.
Point out that puberty is setting in soon and their might be aggressive behaviors and changes in their bodies.
Maybe even offering to take them every weekend to your home would work. Then they would get to see that they are fine and that it's a load off to not have them there full time. Maybe after a few weeks of that they would see that the kids are happy with you and that they will be ok there full time. And even if it didn't work and they only let them come for the weekends you'd at least get to start the transition.
Hope this helps,
J.
Mom to 4, soon one more through another adoption. 2 with Angelman Syndrome, 2 with FAE/Drug Exposure, and 1 little hot head 5 year old big sister :o)

If the inlaws have legally rights to the children, the only legal way is to go to court to prove them unfit parents. Otherwise, you will just have to convince the inlaws that it is the best thing to do. If you don't want to go to court, and you can't convince them, don't go over there when they ask you to. Tell them that if they are going to handle the kids, then they need to do it, just as any other parent would. If it is too much for them, which doesn't say anything negative about them, then they need to give the kids to someone who can properly care for them.

I have a nephew who is being raised by his grandparents because his parents could not deal with his bipolar/aspergers/adhd.
I have watched the drama throughout my nephew's life, since he was 2 years old. His grandparents do not have a life of their own. They have so many therapist appointments, social worker appointments, court dates, etc and they are afraid to leave this now 17 year old boy alone unsupervised in their home. He is verbally abusive, explosively angry, and then sweetly sorry. It is a rollercoaster ride that I keep my own children away from.

I would listen to Angie K's advice about really thinking over if you want to subject your family to this kind of stress and drama. These kids deserve a good home, yes, but you will sacrifice a lot to give it to them, they won't appreciate it, and they will take increasingly more from you (emotionally, energy-wise, etc). I say that not to be mean, but I have watched it play out and it is very sad to try to help someone who won't let you. Your own daughter may resent your decision to take them in.

Hi, J..

I think you all are doing the right thing. I would suggest finding a trusted third party -- someone that everyone knows and trusts to be fair and objective, like a pastor or counselor, the social worker who worked on the original adoption, etc. -- to help you all mediate the situation. If you don't have a person like that, then I'd check to see if there is a mediation center in your area. If you can get everyone to agree to put aside their own personal desires and concentrate on "what's best for the kids" that will help.

Hope this helps. God bless!

N.