I Need Some Advice... - Washougal,WA

L.,

I would almost rather die than live w/ my inlaws - or any family members. Even people who like each other and get along need their space from each other. You are in a very difficult position, but a controlling MIL would be out of the question for me. Can you borrow money from anyone - your parents, perhaps? Try to get your hands on some money now so you and your family can move into an apartment. You need your independence from your inlaws. You need time for you, your husband and your son to unite as a family. You son is WAY too attached to your controlling MIL. It doesn't seem healthy to me - especially how often he wakes up throughout the night, doesn't eat, etc. If at all possible, get out now! Also - look into FREE public preschools! People with low incomes qualify for their kids to go to free public preschools. Research nearby schools!

first of all, kudos to you for not just dumping all over MIL. i love that despite your difficulties with her, you acknowledge her basic goodness and your appreciation for what she does for you.
i love that they are there for you, and that the traditional in-law tensions don't stop you and your husbands family from having each others' backs. there will be a slew of posts about how families should never live together. i'll come in from the other angle and throw in the perspective that in this country families are fractured and have forgotten how to live together and pull together in times of need.
you guys haven't. good for you.
it's especially hard in regards to your son. i too would be concerned about giving him stability and preventing the separation anxiety, but i also have to be happy that he's so close to his grandma. that's a rare gift.
august isn't that far away in the scheme of things. personally i would want to stay there and keep saving, while continuing to patiently and courteously draw boundaries for type A grandma. you love them, they are good people, and i'll bet they feel the same way. you'll probably never get to a really comfortable place vis-a-vis the co-parenting issues, but you seem to be such a reasonable person that i'll bet you can sit down with ma-in-law over a cup of coffee and explain your insistence on making decisions about your child, and request her cooperation in backing up your decisions even if she disagrees. think of enlisting her aid rather than shutting her out (even if that is, in essence, what you're doing.)
if she's really insistently undermining you it may be best to move sooner rather than later, but in so many ways this is a good situation, and a good relationship between all of you. before i changed it i would try very hard to make it work.
good luck!
khairete
S.

I am a single mother and I work almost full time and go to school part time. I'm working on becoming an elementary school teacher. Because I make under a certain amount each month, the government helps me with some food and daycare costs. It was intended for people like us who are working on becoming better able to contribute to our communities - and like another person said below - you will pay taxes eventually (your husband already does), which fund these programs. At my college, they also have a childcare scholarship through the "family services" office, and many childcare scholarships are available through different states (although because you're almost done with school, the state option may no longer be available). I'm not sure if your school has a program for parents, but its worth looking into. They are a great resource for me at my school!

Also - It's great that you have family willing to help you out! But, I completely understand that living under someone elses roof is not desirable when you are trying to have your own family life. My daughter gets the same way with her Grandmother, so I completely understand how hard it is! I think it's time for you and your husband to sit down and punch some numbers and try to move out on your own. Call human services in your area as well to find out what their maximum income limits are. WIC is a great resource as well, which you could probably get even while living with your inlaws. Their income guidelines are typically much different than the state income guidelines (they allow for people to have higher incomes and still receive assistance). Hope this helps and good luck!

L. put your name on a list for public housing. There is no telling whether or not you'll get a job right away once you are done with school.
Eleanor Roosevelt had so much trouble with her mother in law taking over the role of mother with her children that she just moved into her great humanitarian work and the grandmother had her role.
Now if Eleanor Roosevelt had trouble putting her foot down I'd say a woman like yourself so young and unassertive would have a very hard time keeping your MIL out of your business and decisions.
Your son is attached to her as if she is you and therefore all the emotional drama about her comings and goings.
You say in laws is the grandfather your husband's father and does his wife boss him around too?
This struggle is not worth the money saved by being in the same house.

I would move and take government help IF you can get it. Make sure to go apply before moving out. I had a cancer diagnosis, made 15 cents above minimum wage, and could NOT get Medicaid for treatment.

Later, you will be a taxpayer so you should not feel ashamed. To me, August is very far away with this kind of stress.

Hi L.,

A couple observations: it's very clear that you do respect your MIL and are grateful to her for sharing her space. That puts you ahead of the game, relationshipwise. You also are taking the responsibility for the decision of being there, and know that other options are available.

Here's the picture from what you have described: You moved in with a grandma who likes to spoil a bit, and who was probably already doing this before you moved in with her. She may feel like she needs to novelty of being the doting grandmother and not the job of coparenting all the time for this to work for her. (Am I correct about this? I could be wrong...)

If it were me, I would have any discussions about future family plans or parenting when you and your husband are in a separate space from your MIL. She may be 'butting in' because you are talking about it in front of her, the way many friends would if they were living in a roommate situation.

For the sake of your son, I'd also limit any parenting disagreement/discussions to times outside his presence, unless necessary. I'm of the belief that children don't need to hear our anxieties, concerns or anything but positive or neutral language about themselves, period. If you and your husband are talking and she comes in and starts to advise, let her know that you'll think about what she said, but will have to come to your own decisions about things regarding your son. It's difficult enough in most relationships to agree on parenting strategies and what's going on with your kiddo, and even harder when you are considering input from three people.

It also might be helpful, if you have a specific parenting problem to address, that all three of you read the same book about it. Or at least offer it to her, and then there might be common ground on her knowing where you are coming from.

Ultimately, it's your choice to stay or go. I didn't have my son until I was 36 and very well established in my life, and I've also watched a sister have a child at a younger age and live with my folks; this was interesting to me to see the coparenting dynamic between my sis and my folks. There were both good things (she had great support from them in terms of room and board, reduced rent, etc.) and hard things (differences in parenting styles and discipline, my folks tended to 'spoil' my nephew-- he's still the most doted on and gifted-up, that firstborn boy in two generations!). Tough call, but it sounds like you are a caring mom with a clear head on your shoulders. Good luck!

How does your husband feel about all of this...since it is HIS Mother than you are living with? This can't be a decision that you make on your own...it has to be a joint decision.
As a Mother in Law myself ( and having had a MIL who has been less than easy to live with for the past 42 years!!) I can tell you that any situation where the generations live together under one roof would be a breeding ground for resentment and hurt feelings all the way around!! I love all three of my daughters....adore my grandchildren and really do like my son in laws but I can't imagine having us all together under one roof for an extended period of time!!!
Of course your MIL feels like she is 'entitled" to speak up and put in her 2 cents worth...especially is she is, by nature, a controlling, type A personality. You are, after all, living on "her nickle" so to speak!!! But I applaud you for wanting to better yourselves...and for not just willingly taking advantage of all of the government programs that are out there. That being said...as one of the other Mama's has already told you...YOU are the very type of people that these programs were intended for...someone who has temporarily hit a bump in the road...and is trying to better their station in life and needs a temporary hand.
You and your husband need to sit down together...with pencil and paper and make a list...the things you would like about living out on your own versus the disadvantages of living out on your own. You need to come up with a realistic budget and find out if you could even make it on your own. Do some investigation into the programs out there...how much could you reasonably expect to receive in food stamps...would you be eligible for section 8 housing and how available is it in your area. HOw much would utilities probably be....don't forget to figure in your schooling costs and day care costs. Then, after comparing all of the facts...you and your husband need to make an informed decision together.
If you decide that you need to stay where you are...maybe you need to do something about not depending on your MIL so much for interaction with your son....does she care for him while you are at school? If so..maybe you need to come up with an alternative solution...get him out of the house and into a daycare type situation....maybe you would even qualify for govt. subsidized child care since you are a student!! It is normal for a 22 month old to react to changes....when I go to visit my almost 3 year old grandson...the night before he knows I am going to be there he doesn't sleep well...and his naps are sporadic at best while I am there..he is just to excited to see Grandma to relax and stick to his routine!!!
Congratulations on being concerned for your families will being...and I applaud you and your husband for taking the steps to better your families future situation!!

You live with MIL, so she feels the need to parent. You will never earn your independence under her roof. Not always the case, but she has already shown you, she is going to rule the roost.

Your son probably doesn't know how to process the coming and going and probably does have some bad dreams. It is fairly normal at that age. My daughter went through those stages and I have read about plenty others.

The easiest thing would be for you to stay there. I am sure they assist with meals & cooking, household needs, child care, and more, which is all very expensive on your own. If you are able to tune the pecking out, then do so, if not, you will need to find a way to do it on your own.

Well, hard to say. Only you know the living arrangements and the issues that go along with it. Or how long you feel you can make it there.
You & hubby need to discuss.
Please get the book Financial Peace or Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsay. The last thing you want to do is to jump from the frying pan into the fire right now and it might be best to continue to receive the assistance you're getting from the in-laws right now in order to arrive at a place where you will never have to rely on that ever again in the future.
You write "My husband works full time, but isn't making enough for us to live on our own without struggling or relying on the government" and that may or may not be true. He could get a second part time job, you could get a 2nd shift job, PT job etc. depending on your school schedule....I guess what I'm saying is that if someone wants something bad enough, there's usually a way to achieve it. You both need to decide what you want and need most right now--independence or help.
Good luck!

I completely sympathize! This was me and my family just over a year ago! My husband, my almost 2-yr-old son, and I moved in with my parents because we were going to lose our house otherwise. There were times that were absolutely horrible. My mother and I were at eachother's throats. She undermined my parenting, and after my second son was born, accused me of preferring him because I treated them differently! (The fact that one was an infant and one was a toddler seemed to be irrelevent.) Still, we stuck it out for a year and a half, and are now back in our own home. Both my husband and I are in school for career changes, and we now get some government assistance, though my husband also works part time. There were times that I didn't think we would make it, and told my husband we needed to find an appartment, but each time I would let some time pass and decide that the sacrifices would be worth it in the end. I did discuss some sticking points with my mother, such as not sneaking my son candy after I explicitly said no, and over time, things did improve. I can't say what's right for you, only tell you that I'm really glad that episode in our lives is over and eternally grateful to my parents for making it possible for us to keep our house. My mother and my two sons have a very special relationship as a result of our stay with them, and I wouldn't change that for the world.

One side note - others mentioned subsidized child care, but it is my understanding that that particular program is being eliminated due to lack of funding. Check with your school, though. Some have child care available at student rates or offer scholarships.

Best of luck, L.! I'll be thinking about you!

I appreciate that you're young and trying to do the right thing but I have to say as a taxpayer that it's wrong for you to take government money because your situation isn't ideal. You made the decision to have a family so you and the father should be responsible - not others in the population. The country already has a huge deficit and while your subsidy would be a drop in the bucket, it's the principal of the thing. In other countries, families live together as multigenerational bc there isn't automatic government aid if they're not happy. You also said your MIL will be gone a lot anyway. My husband traveled a lot when one of my daughters was about the age and at first she was very upset but she got used to it. Your son will too.

Can you take a break from school and resume after DS is in preschool?