Husband Has Fun Email Exchanges with Other Women, Not with Me

Updated on April 05, 2010
H.P. asks from South Hadley, MA
7 answers

I am nearing my wit's end with my husband. Here I am, pregnant with our 3rd child together (he has 2 others from a previous marriage) and I feel like I have to do handstands and cartwheels to get his attention. He says he loves me, he gets mad at me every time I bring up this discussion (hence, why I'm writing you all), and yet it feels to me like he doesn't truly love me. In my book, actions speak louder than words. His actions of love toward me are virtually non-existent. Here's the latest thing to get my knickers in a twist: He rarely, if ever, emails me. Only to forward information, never to say hi or flirt or anything. I've tried that with him in the past and he never responds. :( Today, he forwarded an email exchange he had with a co-worker's fiance, so that I can help her with her move to our city (where to live, etc). I read their entire exchange, back and forth, that lasted several days, and was stunned by how flirtatious and "talkative" my husband was with this woman in his emails to her. They were literally flirting! It was far from an appropriate, within-the-boundary informative email exchange. I felt like I was interfering on their little tryst and didn't respond to his invitation to help her further with where to live when she moves here. I actually cried! The reason? My husband NEVER gives me this kind of attention!!! I didn't know he had it in him to be so flirtatious and friendly and attentive via email. He was clearly enjoying the back and forth fun with this woman and getting right back to her every comment. I can't get him to respond to ANYTHING I email him! I cried because my husband seems so bored with me when he's at home. He's mentioned that he doesn't like watching TV together at night, that he'd rather go do his own thing with his hobbies, elsewhere in the house. He never cuddles with me at bedtime, I could go on and on. I know when I bring this up to him, he'll get mad at me again. How would you handle this?

2 moms found this helpful

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thanks for all of your responses. Sadly, I think those of you who describe him as "insensitive" and "selfish" and "narcissistic" hit the nail on the head. I want so much for my husband to be a loving, affectionate, caring man toward me. I just don't get the feeling he feels any of those things. Here it is, 4 in the morning, and I'm on the computer reading your responses because I can't sleep. He actually came down to join me and ask me what I was doing. So I showed him the email, outlined very thoroughly how I felt it was crossing a boundary and was inappropriate, but more importantly, how sad I was that this stranger woman got more emotional sharing from him in a one-week-long email exchange than I have in 5 years of knowing him. Ladies, I probed, asked him why he couldn't show that kind of fun, flirtatiousness with me and he didn't seem to get it. His only response was something like, "you're always berating me for something and I've learned to walk on egg shells and watch what I say around you." He couldn't even answer the question about why we can't have fun! After about 30 minutes I began to cry because he wasn't feeling me, ya know? He wasn't truly listening to my heart and all he could do was be defensive and then sit there and watch while I cried. He didn't even comfort me, hug me, NOTHING. So I guess talking to him DID NOT work. We had been in counseling, by the way, and he was so uncooperative the therapist and I were both horrified by his behavior (he even abruptly walked out in anger during one session). He refuses to go back. He refuses to answer my question about whether he's happy in the marriage. His only response is "I'm doing the best I can." If this is his best, oh my word my marriage is in serious long term trouble. My poor heart. And my poor, poor children. :(

More Answers

D.C.

answers from Dallas on

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I've dealt with this same thing for years with my husband and i've tried some of everything. I've tried the nice approach and tried to keep my feelings to myself and then I tried the bad approaches and went off on him every single day of the week. Then i've tried withholding sex from him, I've tried counseling (that I attended alone) then I tried intercepting emails from those women or emailing the women myself and telling them that their actions are inappropriate. Last but not least, I told him I was leaving and he could have his nonsense all to himself.

I can't tell you what will work for you, sometimes all of those things worked and sometimes none of those things worked. I dont' know if you are spiritual at all but I had to take a step back and just pray for the fool. As much as it was killing me to just sit back and take it, I just went about my business and once he realized that I was no longer focused on him, then he decided to show me some attention.

I know you are pregnant and so it may seem like your husband should be completely focused on you and the baby but trust me, I've lived with this man who is the most EMOTIONLESS man i've ever seen in my life. He was extremely mean and uncaring during both of my pregnancies at least that's what it seemed to me. In his mind, he was doing what was necessary to make our family work but in my mind he was a jackass. Saying all that to say, make sure that you have all of your ducks in a row so that if you give him an ultimatum that you are prepared to back it up with whatever it is you say will happen if he doesn't show the love you want.

What I would suggest is that you start doing things on your own. When he gets home, if you feel like cooking then cook otherwise don't cook anything. If you want to watch a movie at night, don't even mention it to him. Go watch it on your own and don't say anything to him. Then if you want to have a romantic dinner or even go out somewhere, call a girlfriend instead of asking him anything. Men like him and my husband respond better when you act like they don't exist. I don't understand why but that's what really worked for me. Now he has to chase me down because 4 out of the 7 days a week I am spending time with a girlfriend and I have sex with him when it's convenient for me. It took a while before I got to this point but it's really liberating. It will be hard for you to do this and you may fall off the wagon a few times but trust me, it really works when you act like they are secondary to your agenda.

As far as the flirting thing, what i've come to realize is that it doesn't matter how good a wife you are, if a man is going to cheat or act inappropriate then they are going to do it regardless of what you say or do. He has to feel like he's losing something at home if he flirts or even thinks about another woman. My husband is still a little more friendly with other women than I would like him to be but I've started dressing up more, wearing more makeup, keeping my hair done and doing more things for myself and he's been more focused on that than trying to have emotional connections with other women. Sorry for babbling, you can email me if you like, I really have had tons of experience with this and I am sorry again that you have to go through this.

7 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

I want you to try your best... NOT TO BLAME YOURSELF.
Do not.

HE is a jerk.
He is very self-centered. And this is putting it lightly.

I'm so sorry... I read this and felt hurt for you.

all the best,
Susan

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.J.

answers from San Diego on

You might want to google "emotional affair"

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.H.

answers from Chicago on

Your husband is an insensitive boor. He needs to do serious growing up. He is expecting another child so he should not be emailing other women under any circumstances except family and business. And to flaunt his "flirtatious" emails in your face under the guise of "Can you help her?" is downright nasty. I may sound harsh, but there it is. I also understand he may be feeling pressure about the new baby, but what on earth is he doing emailing anyone's fiance? It is true that for some men, chasing and talking are just part of who they are and they say they don't mean anything by it. Really... My therory is that if they expended half the amount of time they spend making themselves feeling macho on making the woman at home feeling secure, we would have a lot less problems in some relationships. Trust me. I was in a relationship like that for over ten years, and for over ten years I thought I was at fault. I tried to be wittier, smarter, thinner, fatter, dumber...you name it. None of it worked because the fault was not in me. I didn't break this part of the relationship and I could not fix it. And, if you are anything like the average woman you have already spent hours TELLING him that this type of behavior is unacceptable and letting him know that this hurts you. It doesn't work. Counseling helps. If he won't go with you, go without him.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.R.

answers from Phoenix on

Look up narcissistic husband.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.A.

answers from Seattle on

If he was flirting I don't think he would show you the email. If it was innocent then he would,,, just talk to him

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.N.

answers from New York on

talk to him. are you afraid of hurting his feelings? because from what i can read, he's hurt your feelings. yours come first, to you. his come after you, and the kids. at least in my book, no one is more important to you (me) but me and the kids. print out the exchange, put it on table and say: start talking.

1 mom found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions