Hung up on "Class" Issues - Help!

We used to live in a smaller house when my son was younger (he's 4 now). In the house we live in now, we have an extra room which we consider the "play" room. I thought of you because last night he said that he wished that we lived in the "small" house again. I asked him why and he said because when we were there, everyone would come and play in his bedroom. Now, no one comes to play in his bedroom, they all go in the "play" room.

Moral of the story, the kids don't care. They just want to have fun regardless of the size of the room.

And the mother might not care either, as long as the kids have fun.

Dear one,
I know all of us have been intimidated, at some point in our lives, however, little children are so honest and lovable, they don't care what kind of house you live in or anything else. That's why we must come as a child of God to enter into the pearly gates of heaven. Love conquers all. Don't worry, God is in control. love to all=====G. Kathy

Hi, H.!

I can relate to what you are talking about. When I first had my son, I was in a Mommy-and-Me group through Arnold Palmer downtown, and met some GREAT women, and we started getting together weekly for a playgroup at each of our houses. Well, I THOUGHT my little 1200-square foot home was pretty nice, but one girl had a rich, elegant home in College Park (complete with a "no touchy" room that nobody ever went in with museum-style pieces in glass cases) with heavy furniture I've never seen at any furniture store I've ever been to. Another girl's home had a guest house that was the size of my house; so you can imagine what her big, Windermere (professionally decorated) home/mansion looked like. Another had a big home on a golf-course in Windermere's Keene's Pointe where, even if on "the list", you have to wait to be permitted in by a live-manned security team. Boy, was I out of my league! Or was I?

Did you notice in your letter that you put nothing about the child's mother other than "...she was kind and gracious. We had a great time."?

My new friends were kind and gracious too, and a lot of fun. They couldn't care less that my home had less...ummm...va-va-va-voom than their homes. Their homes were where they lived and not who they are (though we all know women who are the opposite...but I won't go off on that tangent...but that's not the type of women we are talking about here.)

Later, a couple other girls joined the group, one girl in an apartment (who later moved to a similarly small home like mine), and another girl a modest house as well, and all the way in Clermont (long drive, but, she was so sweet, we were happy to do it).

Now my home is a bit bigger and I have some nicer things than I had nine years ago (okay, not up to what these girls have, but much nicer than I had), and now I have some new friends who are much younger than me. Now I am in the middle as I still see the friends in the big grandeous homes (with weekly maids...so they can't relate to my house-cleaning-woes) and other luxuries. On the flip side, my newer, younger friends now come to my house and, I can see in their eyes, they are a bit intimidated by MY place, and make comments like "This place is just gorgeous, D., you are never coming to my house!", and "This might be the nicest house I have ever been in." I thank them sincerely, and find joy in watching them immediately relax once they are in my home for five minutes, because I am me. I am not bragging about the things I have, or looking down on them because they do not. Also, when at my other friends homes, I am still me. I admire their beautiful things, but I go home and appreciate what I do have. We are all different. We all have different pasts and paths. Our things don't make us who we are (but try telling some women....oops...side tangent again! LOL)

My point? Tell your new friend thank you for the playdate, and that you'd love to have her and her child over. If you must (I feel honesty is best...and it brings out the elephant in the room), tell her "I am a little insecure as your home is so beautiful and mine is so much more...uhhh...modest." See how she reacts. If she turns up her nose and seems awkward...you don't want her as a friend! If she kind of laughs and says "I'm just looking forward to another day where our kids can get together and we get some mom-talk time!"...then you have a good new friend.

(Now knock her socks off, and build up your slightly-bruised ego by making her a kick-bootie delicious lunch on your Target plates [my Target plates are my "fancy" plates, and they are the best plates ever]! Let me know if you need any menu ideas.

Good luck to you, and your new friend!

D. C.

Ha! You will get a kick out of this story. Ten years ago, I was in a church mom's group that traditionally held a"date night with the guys" to be held at someone's house. Well no one wanted to host it. We were all young moms, husbands working all the time, no one was very fancy, and we were all tired at night; that had been the one common theme of our prayer meetings. Two meetings went by, and the leaders of our group forced the issue that someone had to hold this get together. Finally this one woman volunteered, and said this one night would be good because she was getting a cleaning lady, and that was her first day. Well we were all like "oh you can't have us over, you want your house to stay clean as long as possible, we don't want you to clean and then have people over to wreck it, blah blah, blah," She said, "No it would be okay." I learn later that two women offered to help her pay for the cleaning lady. I myself offered to come help her re-clean the day after.She turned me down,nicely.
OK so that night comes and we all head to her house. H., it was a mansion. All our homes could have fit into it. We learned that night that her cleaning lady was a new "live-in" cleaning lady. The only time I ever have a live-in cleaning lady was when my mother-in-law comes to stay. We were flabbergasted.
The sad part about this story is that we all treated her differently after this party. We all acted like because she had money,she couldn't possibly relate to us. Many of us kept in touch after the prayer group ended but not with her. I myself know that I couldn't look at her the same.
So my point is; isn't that like a reverse discrimination? Because someone has money; she can't be human? She can't ever know what it is like to be poor? And, she can't appreciate you for you because she shops at Nordstroms instead of Target? My old friend was a great person, and to this day, I am sorry that we lost touch. She tried; she invited me to her house for Christmas parties, but I couldn't (wouldn't ) reciprocate because I was embarassed to have her over to my place. She eventually stopped.
Now the shoe is on the other foot for me. We have done way better than I ever imagined 10 years ago. I have people apologizing to me for their homes and even when I say,"I've been in your shoes" they have a hard time believing it. I sometimes don't get invited to new friends places for long time, especially if they have been to my place first. So this is what I would suggest. Invite the woman and her daughter to do something outside of your home first. See if you two still get along. See how you feel about her as a person; money aside. That buys you a little time because then technically, the next invitation should come from her and by that time, you will know what kind of person she is. If she is a great person, she won't care what your house looks like. When I am looking for a friend, I am looking for someone who I can laugh with and relax. You are who you are. You are a loving person who is crazy about your daughter and wants her to be happy and have good friends. That should matter most, shouldn't it? If my kid found a friend that he completely bonded with, I wouldn't care what his parents house looked like; just that he was liked for himself, and that he was having a good time. Oh and I don't agree with the advice that you should say something about your house ahead of time. WHy should you apologize? And why make her uncomfortable, having to apologize for having money?
Good luck! Sorry for being so long-winded!

Here's a vote of encouragement! Go for it! This woman sounds like someone who has had the good fortune to make it financially but hasn't let it go to her head. It sounds like you all had a good time together so don't let fears of your lifestyle looking less than 'fabulous' stop you from reciprocating the gesture.
As for your daughter, she won't be embarrassed unless she learns that from someone. So long as you don't mention it, it won't even occurr to her that this is even an issue.

you should not be so concerned. just as this woman does not want you to judge her for any reason she will not be judging you.
honestly, when i go to someone's house as long as it looks safe and cared for it does not matter how big or expensive it is. clean your house and be proud of it no matter what the size.
about the dog pee smell light a glade candle when company comes over, they will not be judgemental.

Hi H.,

Why don't you start off with a playdate at a park and have a picnic. This will give you enough time to try to get your home into a state that you feel comfortable with.
I will also suggest that you air your house out by opening all the windows and doors at least for an entire day. Then I suggest you spray everything (carpet, sofas, beds, curtains, etc.) with Febreze and get some of those plug in air fresheners. Try to declutter and clean the best you can also. I dont have pets but about 4 times a year, I give my house a "deep clean".

We are renting right now too. Our house is old and not something we would buy. But I try to make it cheery & clean for the kids -- so I'm okay with it. (We chose it for the great schools.)

I'm from the north too. I've met women (mommy friends) at the park for a year or more. Some of them I have seen their houses & wanted to die -- they were absolutely amazing. Others, I have never had a playdate with at their homes, but they have come to my house once or twice. I still believe in having playdates at one's house, not always at the parks.

I think you need to clean your house as best you can & bite the bullet. If the little girl's mom is of good character, someone you'd want to develop a relationship with, then she will not focus on your home & "things."

If I extend an invitation to someone to my house and they do not like me or have an issue because of where I live, geezzzz then I wouldn't waste one more precious life moment on them and go seek other pals elsewhere.

Remember "class" isn't about how much money one has (money comes & goes) -- true class is about making others feel comfortable and being comfortable with ourselves.

p.s.
tuff stuff for car interiors
gets all stains out
and at Pet Smart -- they have
every kind of spray for pet
accidents

Hi H.! Iam an older mom 43 with two teenage girls 14 and 17. Through the years my husbands salary has gone up significantly so I have been on BOTH ends of your situation! :)

I have always been one to NOT want to have anyone over. Maybe an occasional child from the same neighborhood but not much beyond that. I always felt my house wasnt good enough or not a reflection of me. Even my current house which would be considereed by many as upscale.

When my daugher became 16 she wanted to have a "giant bday party at the house" I about went into shock as I had never had anything like that at our home. Long story short people said it was the best party they had ever been to and that my house was so nice! Even though wall paper was peeling in the kitchen people appreciated the feeling of being welcome etc. over the house details themselves. Ive since had many more and they have all been hits!

Not to make this to long but we became close with a teacher whos house was about one fourth the size of ours. It was in a not so nice area and the yard was mostly dirt. I have to tell you that I LOVED going over there! My whole family did! It was such a relaxed atmosphere. The family was so loving with eachother and you could feel that even though the house was nothing it was "their" house and they were not ashamed!

So invite them over! Make sure the house is safe ( like no open outlets etc. a mom might worry about) and as clean as you can get it without going crazy and be proud! Everyone will take their cue from you. If you act like its a great place they will think that! I promise the child doesnt care one bit and if her mother does then she is not the kind of person you want to be hanging out with! :)

So... in short dont throw away a lot of years that you could have been making memeories like I did! Put on your proud pants and most of all dont apologize for your home. Iam sure it is wonderful!

Good Luck! The first time is always the hardest! If you have to, pretend in your mind its a house like hers LOL!

First of all, your daughter won't be self-conscious unless you are...she's 5 as is her friend so neither of them care about those sorts of things.
Think about it--didn't you have different friends growing up that had nicer and worse houses than you did? Did you care?
Second, don't sweat it--people with that kind of money don't expect everyone else to be living like they do--unless they are in the Hampton's or 90120 zip code--hehe. As long as you are a gracious host yourself, then that is all that matters.
Don't dis yourself or who you are, just because someone has a nicer house or more money doesn't make them better, so don't treat them or yourself as if that is true (or your daughter will think that too). You and your family work hard just like everyone else, be proud of that!

Oh and as an owner of 2 dogs and a cat--have you tried the enzyme cleaners out there--like Natures' miracle (they sell it at pet stores)? You can buy it in big jugs online and just soak your carpet in it so it goes down to the pad. The enzymes eat the biological waste and remove the odor--works great on anything biological (urine, feces, vomit, blood, etc.) for pets and humans. And it's non-toxic--safe for pets and kids :)

It is hard when we cannot compare to others. I think it is a pride issue that we need to get past. I will agree with you that it is not easy, but something that we need to do. I just moved here from a beautiful home (that we could affort, at home) & moved into an apartment here. I, too, deal with inviting people to my apt after I have been in their nice home. But I did it this week, in fact. I realized that if they are my true friends, they will not care & if they do, then I don't need them in my life. If they are judgmental, they probably shouldn't be around us. Maybe just make a joke that your house isn't anything like hers...it might make you feel better to warn her. LOL! She will then be warned & it will all be okay. The girls don't care what the house looks like, they only care about being together. I don't know if I helped much...but I hope so!!