How to Best Be Sensitive to Fertility Issues

I had a friend that started trying to get pregnant a year before me. I use fertility myself, so i recommended that she try my doctor. We started seeing him about a week apart. I got pregnant right away. She is still trying and my baby is 16 months old now. When I first found out I was pregnant I couldn't look her in the eye, because we are so close. Long story short I didn't enjoy my pregnancy at all, because I felt so guilty. Now I feel guilty that I didn't embrace it. If she really cares for you, she can be just as happy for you as you are sad for her. I wish I had thought about that when it was happening to me. You are a very good friend though to thik of her feelings like that. Bless you!

We were in a very similiar situation with my brother and his wife. They had one child, waited about 2 years, and then it took them 2 years to get pregnant (and then it was with triplets!). During the 2 years they were waiting, my husband and I got pregnant without "trying", I just stopped taking the pill. Our oldest is 18 months younger than theirs. Then when our daughter was 9 months old, we were pregnant again. Of course, they were starting year two of fertility treatments and we hadn't even "tried", it was a suprise to us and our families. Instead of announcing it the moment we found out, we waited until about 12 weeks and planned to announce it when all the family was gathered for our daughter's 1st birthday. But in consideration for my SIL feelings, we went to my SIL's house on the way to the party (my mom hosted it). We visited briefly, then came out and said, "We know this will be hard and we hope you are okay, but you need to know that we are going to have another baby." She was excited, she cried and had to leave the room to compose herself and when she returned we explained that we wanted her (and my brother who wasn't home) to know first considering the circumstances and that we would be telling everyone else at the party and to be prepared. They handled it very well and were very excited for us. During the pregancy, I was careful not to talk about everything too much and they got pregnant with the triplets within days of my second daughter being born. And when I announced my third pregnancy 5 months later, they were so busy preparing for triplets that I don't think they noticed! Don't know if that helps, but your not in a boat alone. It is hard to be the one who has it "easy" (easy to get pregnant, easy pregnancy, easy delivery, etc) when they are going through so much just to get the same thing(s). Just be gentle and I'd suggest not announcing to the whole family at once without at least talking to them in private first. Then as they adjust to the idea, make sure they know that you are still supportive of them and their struggles. But don't neglect sharing your joys and struggles with them either. Just find out what you and they are comfortable with, and go from there. Good luck & congratulations!

I've been in both situations so I know what a sensitive issue it is. My first pregnancy took awhile but was able to do it naturally but I had two very close friends dealing with fertility issues at the time. I choose to not bring up the pregnancy unless they brought it up first and I didn' complain about feeling crummy and such. One friend would ask how I was doing while the other one rarely acknowledged it, which I understood. With my second pregnancy we had to use fertility treatment. With me it was the finding out someone was pregnant was rough but after that it got easier. I was happy for them but sad for myself. Tell them in private and then give them time to absorb it. I wouldn't ever say in front of them either how easy it was to get pregnant. That's a tough statement for anyone with fertility issues. I hope this helps and congradulations.

First of all, congratulations!

I understand where your SIL is coming from. We are still going through infertilty treatments, and even had a miscarriage this year, while watching countless siblings and cousins have babies (eight in all this year!). While I was always truly happy for them, it was a reminder of our "failure" and did, at times, make me a little sad...

I suggest that you tell your SIL first, in private (perhaps over afternoon tea?). That way, she'll have time to react on her own, before she sees the rest of the family overjoyed with your news. Give her a few days to digest it before you tell everyone else.

Does she know that you are trying? If not, I'd slip it into the conversation that you and hubby are trying for #2, and when you tell her later on, it won't catch her totally off guard.

All of the talk about being pregnant, seeing pregnant women, and going to baby showers can also be difficult for women going through infertility. That said, after you tell her, don't feel guilty that you "succeeded" first, and enjoy your pregnancy and baby!!!

You are so thoughtful and considerate to think of your SIL! I wish mine was just like you!

Congrats again & good luck,
M.

Great advice so far, and you are very thoughtful. You know people will ask you how long it took you to get pregnant, I would just be sensitive as to how you respond to that question, especiallly in the presence of your SIL. Best wishes with your pregnancy.

There are four girls in my husbands family and three female in-laws. There are now 14 grandkids and one on the way at this time.

One of his sisters has had problems having children. She had to have IVF and the first time didn't take. Then one of my husband's brothers has a wife that had one child but then two miscarriages. I had two children then two miscarriages and then another child. Between all that there has always been someone pregnant and someone trying in the last nine years. The worst thing is to tip-toe around the person trying to concieve. Don't over do it with the announcements or even stare at them when you are making the announcement. If you feel there is going to be great sensitivity, then give the sister-in-law a heads up one-on-one privately with no one knowing before you make the announcement. That way she can deal with her emotions privately.

Trying not to repeat, but do tell her privately. Everyone handles it differently so ask her how much she wants to hear about your pregnancy and how much she wants to be involved, so she can have control over it.

I have been on both sides, struggling to get pregnant and then finally pregnant and having children when others are not. Even when you've been there, everyone is different and it's hard to know how to handle.

Thank you for thinking of her.

Good luck!

It is very caring of you to consider your SIL's feelings. We have been struggling for 5 years after having had our son. I must admit that it is hard to know that life is passing us by and happening to others, but your SIL will be happy for you two. I would just let her bring the subject up after you tell her. She will undoubtedly want to know how you are doing, but let her approach the subject when she's having a good day. The fertility rollercoaster has many highs and lows.

Congratulations, by the way!
A.

My BIL and SIL tried for a baby for years. It was ten years before they finally brought home their daughter -- adopted from China. In that time, DH and I got married and had 2 kids. Both of SIL's brothers also got married and had 2 kids. Our other teenage SIL had a baby. So, while they were desparately trying for a baby, they had to watch 5 other kids enter the family. For each of my pregnancies we called SIL first and gave her the news in private before announcing to the rest of the family. That way, she wasn't in a room full of people when she heard. I didn't make a big deal of my pregnancy around her, didn't ask her to go shopping with me, didn't show off the nursery. She sometimes asked to see things and then I'd share with her. I remember the Christmas I was pregnant with my first -- all the extended family was feeling my belly and talking about the baby. SIL quietly left the room. I sent BIL (her husband) after her because I didn't think she'd want to tell me how she felt. She told me later she locked herself in the bathroom and cried because all her SILs were pregnant at that time -- she was the only woman of child bearing age in the family who was not pregnant.

Last year when they came home from China, everyone in the family rejoiced. I don't think there has been a baby who was celebrated more. And we have celebrated every milestone with her this whole year.

I think the best you can do is be sensitive to her feelings. Don't take it personally if she doesn't seem thrilled about your pregnancy (that one is hard with all the hormones rushing through you).

I probably sound a bit like a broken record after what everyone else has said, but as long as you tell her in private before you tell the rest of the family, so she has time to adjust, there's not much more you can do to make it easy for her. Take her out for lunch and say something to the effect of "Jane, your brother and I wanted to tell you before we tell the rest of the family, because we know you've been trying..." and see where it leads. If she gets upset, just remember that it really has nothing to do with you, just her frustration at her own struggles. Best of luck!

It is very nice of you to be so considerate of your SIL. As someone who tried to get pregnant for over three years before moving on to adoption, I know how hard it is to hear that others are pregnant. I would recommend telling her in private and then allowing her some time before you talk again. It is not that she will not be happy for you but rather that it will just be a reminder of how sad she is about not being able to get pregnant. Just being sensitive to how emotionally draining the whole fertility treatment process is is that best thing you can do for her.

It really depends on the person...I personally went thru fertility issues and it is ruff but I was always happy when someone else was lucky enough to become preggo. I can say though when I was alone the question always came to mind why not me?? If your relationship is really close I would not wait share the happy news no one who really cares about you would shun you for it. You will know best how to tell your SIL depending on her personality and she already knows what a gift your baby is she just wants one also...(does that make sense???) So congrats and best wishes for an easy pregnancy and of course delivery and maybe you could try to involve your SIL in a special way (Godmother etc).

I haven't been in this exact situation but I believe the best thing to do - especially when you are unsure and don't want to hurt someone you care about - is to be truly honest. Take your SIL aside and tell her your news. Just be really open about caring about her and not wanting to make her situation any more painful than it is. Explain that you didn't really know how she would react - but that you would understand if she couldn't be immediately overjoyed for you. Tell her how much you love her etc etc and that you there to support her if she needs.... After that if she is mad then that is her business and you can't control it.

Good luck.

Hi C.,

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think that it is so thoughtful of you to consider your SIL's feelings on this matter, you must be close friends.

We tried for almost a year on our own, plus 6 months of fertility treatments before we got pregnant with our first daughter. I never felt resentful of the people around me (and there were so many) that were announcing their pregnancies, I was genuinely happy for them and just hoping that it would rub off on me.

How did your SIL react when you announced your first pregnancy? That might clue you in to how she will react this time. My best advice would be to tell her about the pregnancy while you are alone with her. This way, she doesn't feel like she has to hide her reaction from the rest of the family. If she is close to you (as you had mentioned), then she will be truly happy for you. You could offer to be there for her with whatever she might need...going to appointments with her or calling her for an update afterwards. I really appreciated when my family close friends took interest in my treatments as they were progressing, it was like having my own cheering section. Tell her that you will be there if she just wants to talk about what is happening to her. Sometimes just explaining the process I was going through to my friends and family helped me to cope because I knew that they cared enough to listen and want to know exactly what each step was as it was happening.

Some people who have fertility issues will isolate themselves from family, especially family members with children. A relative of my SIL's did that and it was pretty ugly at times. I was the opposite and wanted to spend a ton of time with my nieces and nephews that I loved so much. It was so comforting to me. Hopefully, your SIL feels the same way. I actually have a SIL and a cousin that get pregnant the first month that they try every time. They actually felt bad telling me about it, but I reassured them that I was really happy for them.

In your conversation, you might want to mention how you wish that you could be pregnant together, but that you will definitely be there for her when she does get pregnant. Don't apologize for your being pregnant...it is a wonderful thing! Infertility is pretty rough, but I will never forget how important my family's support was (and still is) to me. Just knowing that you care enough to worry about her feelings should be worth the world to her.

Oh, there is a very good magazine about the whole fertility thing called Conceive Magazine. You can buy it at Barnes and Noble and Borders. If she seems open to sharing the process with you, you might want to pick up a copy for her.

Best of luck to you and God Bless you for caring enough to consider your SIL's feelings. All the best to you with baby #2!

The advice about privately talking to your SIL is excellent. You will be acknowledging that it might be surprising news for her to hear and it gives her a chance to deal with her feelings before she is "out in public"

But please realize that you cannot control how she will react to your news. Do your very best to NOT let an unpleasant reaction rain on your own wonderful, blessed news!! This should be a happy time for you. I had one friend, having fertility issues, behave in a supportive manner. Although I would never talk about my pregnancy in front of her, she was interested and asked questions. I let her take the lead on how much she wanted to hear about it. At the other extreme was my SIL, who would leave the room if another family member asked me about my pregnancy (even though I would never bring it up myself in front of her). She refused to come to my shower. That hurt me deeply. But there was absolutely no way I could influcence this or make it better for her. She simply could not be happy for me while she was in her own pain.

Congratulations on your wonderful news! And get ready for the fun and chaos of having two kids in the house!!!

Honesty and naturalness are the best policy. SIL will also be sensitive to your not telling them, so handle it the same way you did with pregnancy #1. Call grandma and she spreads the word, call her yourself and act excited and happy, however it developed before so she has as little cause as possible to fret over it. One thing you could avoid is talking to anyone about how it was unplanned, that is strictly not anyone's business but your own, and I always worry that someday the teenage surprise will be told she was a surprise and how will she react to that?

I went through fertility issues myself- we conceived on our own after 18 months following surgery, just before we started IUI. I would recommend telling her now- if you wait it might seem like you were holding back from her. I would just acknowledge that you know it might be hard for her and you are sorry. It may be h*** o* her but if she is a good friend she will also be happy for you. I know that is how I felt- happy for my friends but wondering why it couldn't be me. You could also tell her that on the bright side she will be a mother someday and now you will have a child closer in age to her future children. You are good friend/sister for thinking of her. Congrats.

I think you've already received some great advice, I just wanted to echo that your question and thoughtfulness to your SIL's feelings is so wonderful. There are so many women who have myriad fertility issues, and while I don't believe it should affect your own excitement over your own pregnancy, I do think that extra care should be given to family or friends who are not as fortunate! It can be extremely emotional for women who have difficulty starting or continuing their families. Congratulations and take care!

Everyone here has great ideas and I agree with them. It's hard to say how someone will react. I went through infertility issues for almost 7 years we gave up because I wanted to and hubby was fine. We are now foster parents hoping to adopt. Depending on what kind of treatment she's going through taking hormones can do horrible things to you. And starting your period can too.
For me I had a lot of people cramming pregnancies down my throat. And most of them were of my unmarried cousins. That was the worst. And my dad and step mom would make me feel guilty for not wanting to go to their showers, because after all they would come to mine. By the way no one not even my sister came to mine when the church threw me one nor did my step mom. So figure that one out. I went to 1 baby shower the six years and I couldn't handle them so I chose to do for myself, and everyone was very understanding about it (except those two)
Anyway let her take the lead w/ this because of where she might be, and if she doesn't come to your shower please understand why she might not be able to. I didn't go but I sent gifts if I could manage to walk down the baby isle at the store. Good luck and congrats. Enjoy you pregnancy and I hope everything go well for you and the bab.
H.

Mary C. hit it on the head! I had fertility issues and it amazed me at how insensitive some people could be...but looking back, I think they just honestly didn't know any better. You are a sensitive and caring person for even considering this! I had a very tough 4 yrs and lots of failures before I finally got prego! When we were still trying, my sister in law got pregnant w/ her 2nd and thought it appropriate to share the news w/ us at Christmas (even though her husband said they should wait because they knew what we were going through.) I was crushed, but not angry at her. It is happy news, no matter what, but it would have been nice to have waited a few days to share the news. It's a tough call. I would say, as Mary said, take a private moment and tell SIL...she may be more hurt if you try to keep it from her, but make sure she knows that you are thinking of her/praying for her/whatever you do for support and enjoy your pregnancy. She's probably stronger than you think...we all are! You'll know when the time is right to talk to her. Best of luck and congrats!