How Long Is Too Long (The Rest of the Story)

I guess I dont understand why you NEED to be married to this guy? Sounds like it definatly is not right for him and it seems like it would be better for the both of you if waits to get the SS check from his dec wife..if you are to be together FOREVER....6 years is nothing.
If you are going to bail over a piece of paper, then you shouldnt be marrying him anyway...its not the words of a 'true' soul mate

OK well if it helps, it doesn't sound like he's BSing you on the social security thing. Here is something from the SSA website:
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How remarriage affects survivors benefits

In general, you cannot receive survivors benefits if you remarry before the age of 60 unless the latter marriage ends, whether by death, divorce, or annulment.

If you remarry after age 60 (50 if disabled), you can still collect benefits on your former spouse's record. When you reach age 62 or older, you may get retirement benefits on the record of your new spouse if they are higher.

Your remarriage would have no effect on the benefits being paid to your children.
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That said, it's too bad that you didn't have this conversation years ago and have already let so many years slip by without knowing where the relationship is going. But it is what it is, and now you have a decision to make. Aside from the SS technicality, is he committed to you for life in terms of everything but the actual marriage paperwork? Is that good enough for you or does being technically married make a difference for you? If he says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, can you two move ahead and make that as legal as possible if it's to your benefit to do so (i.e., can you be beneficiaries of each others' life insurance and retirement accounts, can you jointly own property, declare each other as healthy care proxy, do living wills, etc.)? Unfortunately at this phase of your lives, you need to be thinking in terms of long-term finances, health care, and retirement (good times, eh?). You would want to make sure that if you commit to him, and something happens before you actually get married years from now, that you're not left high and dry because you were "just" the girlfriend and don't have the same rights and responsibilities as an adult.

My FIL, a widower, is 13 years older than his wife. They got married a few years ago and we don't pry into their personal business, but I bet my husband and his brother will be surprised at what happens when my FIL passes away (many years from now I hope), assuming that he pre-deceases his wife. They have substantial assets but the fact that she will more likely than not outlive him by a wide margin will make things interesting. My FIL did have some conversations with his sons (who were both in their 30s) before proposing to his wife because he did want them to know feel included and be sensitive to the fact that he was very publicly moving on from his marriage to their mom. Their mom had also died about 5.5 years before this conversation. Of course both sons gave dad their blessing and they had a wonderful wedding. The boys aren't especially close to their dad's wife but everyone gets along.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and good for you for finally bringing this up with him. Hope everything works out for the best for you!

After my dad passed away and my mom started dating again, she refused to marry anyone because she'd lose my dad's army pension and insurance. She really needed that insurance and money! So, I don't judge this guy at all for wanting to wait.

I do wonder why you need to be married right now. I also don't understand that you don't know where you stand with this guy. You know - he told you. Your only decision is to whether you want to keep the status quo with this man or break up and start over.

That is entirely up to you.

Hi Marcela,

For all the mama's who are talking about him receiving a 'paltry' sum and not worth it to him...... my mom was in your b'friends position.

She had to make the decision to collect on my dad's ss or marry her long-term b'friend. If she married her b'friend before a certain age she would NOT have been able to receive my dad's benefits.

She gets $1800 month from his social security benefit. Paltry? I think not. This is a benefit that my dad paid into the entire time he was working. To NOT collect it is to just give the government back money that is rightfully hers, since my dad is not able to claim it (he is deceased) and she was married to him for at least x # of years (whatever it is they deem you have to have stayed married in order to collect).

Here is my opinion - yes, he DOES expect you to wait 6 more years until he turns 59 to collect on his wife's benefit. He told you that point blank last night - so I'm not sure why you don't know where you stand. Marriage is not as important as his financial security is to him. That actually sounds very level headed of him and financially wise. If he had to make the choice between having health insurance or getting married - what would have him do? think of it that way if it's less threatening to you personally - just make it a benefit he would receive instead of something connected to his dead wife.... Know that by "marrying" you it would be taking money out of his pocket every month.

That is his decision. What is yours?

You are asking how much longer should I wait and what do you do and that you want to know where you stand with him.... I think you are asking the wrong questions.

I agree with the mama that asked if you wanted the marriage or the man?

If you need to be married - this is not the man for you. It's not personal. You have different ideas about what you want to feel secure. neither of you are wrong - except that this is a conversation that should have been had a long time ago.

If you want to be with him forever... If you want to spend days and nights making each other happy.... if you want to be legally protected and provided for..... those are all things that can occur WITHOUT being married.

If you want to be married then end this relationship and go find a man that wants to give you a piece of paper.

But know this...... as you get older everyone comes with baggage. The next man might give you the certificate of marriage without the bond and vows that go with it. Or he might marry you and not be able to provide for you financially.

So think about what is is YOU actually want. And then determine if he is the person who can give that to you. If he can't - then go find someone who wants the same things you want.

This is not HIS decicison and you are treating it like it is. This is YOUR decision, and you need to make it - not just wait around and be miserable that he's not doing what you want.

Good Luck

Psh, what's his wife's SS? $150 a month? Like THAT's worth not living your life for.

Red flags all over this, sigh, sorry Marcela, take it for what it is, enjoy his company.....or move on if you want more than he's got to give.

:(

ooh man - this sucks....he doesn't want to get married until he collects on his dead wife's social security?! SICK (sorry). It better be a boat load of money he's planning on collecting. I hope that money keeps him warm at night, makes meals for him and most importantly - makes him laugh and feel loved....

leave girl....his priorities are not right (in my opinion!)

I see that one poster mentioned military retirement benefits - these are TOTALLY different than Social Security.....SS isn't "insurance" it's a paltry sum of money....Military retirement pensions are all inclusive - paying mortgages and keeping one healthy HUGE!!! HUGE!!! HUGE difference between what may be $500 a month to $3K a month WITH insurance.

That's pretty tough, I'm sorry. I can understand if he wants to collect on his wife's SS for the kids and grandkids, but I'm also an avid believer in following your heart and flying by the seat of your pants ;) I'd still give it a little time, let him think some more, and then propose. If he says no, you've lost nothing, but gained your answer. What does YOUR heart tell you? Stay or leave?

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You are entitled to want what you want. If you want to be married, then that is that. If you are content otherwise, well okay. But don't subvert your own wishes for his. That is not love.

For some people, that SS check is very important. Perhaps he has no other retirement income? That in itself can be quite scary. However, as a couple living together, you should have a better understanding of the finances and how critical that money is for him moving forward. It is a practical concern for a man of that age. However, assumning the two of you have sufficient retirement money together, then it should not be the main issue. If he isn't going to be destitute, then he shoudl drop the issue of the money.

look at it from his standpoint: you are living together already....& now you're trying to change the rules.

You don't move in with someone & just live with them..... if you really want marriage. & Oblique hints are not a part of an honest relationship.

If you think about it, this behavior on his part is nothing new: he already has dysfunctional relationships with his own children....not invited to both of their weddings?? !! I say he's not the "man of your dreams". He's carrying a lot of emotional baggage! Peace!

You need to ask yourself; what do I want, the man or the marriage? Are you looking to start a family with him? Is marriage that important to you? Important enough that you would give him an ultimatum? If the answer is yes (to any or all of the questions), then you won’t ever be happy with less and trying to wait will only erode your feelings for him.

You have a lot to ask yourself and a lot of thinking to do. You still need to talk to him though about how you are feeling. Keep him in the loop, he might surprise you.

Do you want to wait 6 years for a man who may or may not marry you. Keep in mind, he said "thought about it." In man speak, that could mean he's considering it, now way!, I'm telling you what you want to hear, I have no idea, please don't bother me with this, I'm using the SS as an excuse...
My point is, he didn't actually answer your question. It could mean anything. doesn't know now, after almost 5 years. 5 YEARS. What is going to change in another 6? You don't know. Say he doesn't marry you (And really, I assume he won't.), you've wasted 11 years with him.

You can break it down into a million ways, and you will always be settling. You know what you want, he doesn't. He might never.

sounds to me as if you are still hinting and hoping. HOW did he know you were talking about marriage? i'm betting from the tone of this that you didn't just come out and say 'i don't want to live together forever. i want marriage plans to be in our future.'
doesn't matter if he just 'knew.' state your position, woman! words are important.
it does not sound as if this man of your dreams wants to get married. i'm a little surprised that you are still asking about an acceptable amount of time to wait. the answer is different for all of us. from what YOU have written, you've already waited too long. you want to get married, he doesn't. if you really really really want marriage, you need to move out. if this is really the man of your dreams and you love him, you need to figure out how to be okay without marriage.
that's really all it boils down to.
khairete
S.

Hi Marcela,
I went and read your other post :) and while only you can decide what is best for you - here are my thoughts. (Nota Bena: I am 46, so we share an age bracket).

The Social Security benefits - will receiving his deceased spouses SS greatly impact his ability to retire? Will this income allow him to retire early (or at all)? It may be that, without it, he will have to continue to work well past retirement age. So it may be a strictly financial need to wait.

Which leads to a discussion of spousal financial benefits - on a purely financial basis, marriage offers security to spouses in the event of one's death. You can obtain that same financial security, without being married, through estate planning, wills, and life insurance benefits.

On an emotional level, of course, you want to be legally bound to him, and him to you, by marriage. And this is where is gets sticky. I, personally, feel, that at my age, if I found a mate, I would really not care about getting married. I would choose the financial planning and wills to protect one another and care for one another, but feel no need for the ring anymore in my life. But, with a 14 year old at home, my lifestyle choices are predicated on what is best for my son - not necessarily what I want.

If being married is important to you, then you need to closely look inward and decide if it is worth it, to you, to wait. Or to simply move on and find someone who is willing to get married sooner, rather than later. Is it possible to have a long (okay, really long) engagement to him? An engagement ring that is a promise of marriage may assuage your worries and symbolize his commitment to you.

As to worrying about what his kids will think, this one bothered me a lot. He needs to ask them. They are grown, no longer dependent on them, so it should really not be a concern if Dad gets married. I think the more important child here is your daughter- what does she think? What lessons about relationships do you want to teach her by your example? Talk to her, find out what she wants from, and for, you, her Mother. That may help you find your answer.

I hope you find the answer that works for you and your family.

Good Luck and God Bless

at least you know where you stand now. I think you just have to do some deep soul searching and figure out if that is acceptable to you or not. Despite his reasons he may have commitment issues. What is going to make you happy in the long run? You have some tough decisions, and they are yours alone to make. I don't think anyone has the right to judge whether you should stay or leave, only your own heart can make that choice, because you are the one who has to live with your decision. Some hard questions to ask yourself are do you Really love him or is this just easy and comfortable? Also does he really love you or is this just a convenient set up for him? I do not envy your position...thoughts and prayers...

I see why you would be hurt...I mean in some senses you could feel hes choosing money over you, and the fact he'd not marry you because hes kids might care is wrong (they're older....and if he values their opinion more than his love for you, you may have to revaluate tings, and why would they care? do you not get along with them?? that could be a reason why)........I think you both need to talk more and clarify things...and see if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and is in love, more than caring about the piece of paper, if money is a factor, you could have a ceremony and get married without filinig the papers.....so you;d declare your love for one another and have a tiny ceremony but he would still get to collect.....

From my understanding if he remarries while getting his wifes SS it can be revoked. I would check into that. Maybe he is just comfortable the way things are. If you 2 are living together maybe that's all he really wants. It's up to you as to how long you should wait. If you are fine with the way things are then stay if not move out and maybe just see each other or let the relationship go. Good luck with your decision.

Don't dis-credit your man that might just make matters worse. However I would ask him how he knows this information? Such as did he hear this from the grapevine or did he actually speak to someone at Social Security that told him this? Then I would continue to say that you would like to check with Social Security if he was just told this information by a random person and even still if he was told this-the rules may have changed so to check with Social Security I would think would be within both of your interest. If his reaction is upset then you know you gotta a problem and he is just avoiding the issue but if he seems to acknowledge that it needs to be checked into then I would imagine that his intentions are true. Good Luck!

Look into it.. I was under the impression that if he was married for more than 10 years it doesn't matter who he marries now he can still claim his late wife's benefits. Call your local social security office, he may just be using this as an excuse so get to the bottom of it.

I don't think he's right about that. My mother was with my father for 16 years. Then she was with her 2nd husband for 16 years and he passed away. She was told by the social security administration that she could claim 1/2 of the 1/2 of my fathers social security even though he had married another woman and they were married for over 20 years. In other words, If my mother wanted to push it, she would share it with my step mother. To my mothers credit, she said she would never do that.

I don't think you need to settle here. If this is what he wants then you either need to be prepared to settle in for 6 years of the long haul wait. Six years is a long time especially when you already have 4 years in.

I know there are men out there that have it all to offer and are out there for you. I waited for mine and if it could happen for me it can happen for you but the trick is not to settle for less than God's best for you.

Why is this money so important for him? Will it make that much of a difference in the scheme of things in his world? How will he provide for you financially in the event he doesn't make it the 6 years and you won't be receiving his social security. Is that what he wants for you? If so you need to cut your losses and move on.

Life is too short to settle. Why don't your deserve the best in a mate? There is something to be said about waiting for something that is worth the wait. I think that perhaps you already know on the inside of your what you need to do but because it will be painful and hard you don't want to do it. Is the pain of staying with him under the current stress of no marriage worth it for you? Only you can answer that.

I would get some new hobbies, meet some new people, and put some distance between me and him without tell him and see what happens. You will either find someone new or he will come around or not but at least you will have somethings and people to occupy your mind and time. This will be healthier for you.

I thought once you got remarried the social security from your deceased spouse would stop. Please check on that, but if that is the case then marriage would never be in his plans. It does not make sense to wait for 6 years for a monthly SS check then remarry and stop collecting. best of luck!