Some quick history. DH has never been close to his family. He would usually only see his mom and siblings once every few years although I have been taking our son out to visit once a year because DH's mom was elderly and it meant a lot to her to see her grandson. His mom died this spring and all 3 of us flew out for the funeral (very expensive last minute flights that took us 4 months to pay off). In May, his sister had an idea of us all coming to visit her in AZ for Thanksgiving (4 sibs and their spouses). This would have worked, DS and I could have driven down over his school break and DH could have flown. However, one of the other sibs' spouse had family plans already so the idea was dropped.
Over the summer, our family has been under huge financial strain (of our own making). We are building a house at the max of our budget and our business has been struggling. We are stretched very thin and are carrying credit card debt for the 1st time in our lives. In August, I found out that DH's sibs had made plans to meet in AZ in the middle of January. Everyone had tickets already (except us). I told his sister we couldn't afford it. DH said we'll be there. I asked DH how we would afford it, he said he didn't know. We made no plans. Topic came up again in Oct. when my adult nephew asked if we had tickets. I said no and that we probably couldn't come because of $$ and that our 7 year old has school to attend. DH talked to his sister and said we would figure something out. This weekend the topic came up again with his sister and DH said we would be driving down (it is 1700 mile drive!). I don't mind driving but not if we can't make a 2 week trip out of it. As it stands we would have to drive hard for 3 days, get to stay a day and then drive hard for 3 days. and DS only has a 3 day weekend so he would miss 4 days of school (I don't mind him missing school, but only for educational endeavors).
For all of us to fly would cost us $1000 that we don't have. All 3 of us driving would be about $650 and a lot of stress. I will check today to see if we have any airline miles we can use but the credit card companies have jacked up the # of points needed so much that I doubt it would buy us more than 1 ticket.
What I want to do is have DH just fly down and DS and I would plan a driving trip in May (during DS's 3 week school break). But DH says we ll have to go to make his sister's "dream" of the whole family getting together come true. And DH doesn't want to fly with all the new scanners and pat downs and he doesn't want to make the drive by himself (who can blame him). I am so stressed out about this and am ready to start screaming. I asked DH how this all got planned without our input and he said that he was too busy this summer to respond to the emails between his siblings about possible dates (I was not included in those planning emails and knew nothing until his other sibs had already bought tickets).
Aargh! How do I handle this situation? I feel caught in the middle. DH knows we can't afford this right now, but he doesn't have any ideas about how to solve the problem and he keeps avoiding talking about it.
First of all, thank you for all the support and thoughtful advice. I wrote a response a while back but apparently my computer didn't send it. DH and I have had some very calm discussions about this issue. He has been able to distill a lot of his feelings but still needs to process more. He recognizes the impossibility of a perfect solution and is just trying to decide what will work the best. He recognizes the best solution is for him to fly down alone but two things are making that tough for him. First, he hadn't told me about his horrific experience flying back from Maine last spring. The TSA agents got a hit of nitro glycerin off him (probably because of handling his step father's nitro pills). They held him for 2 hours of pat downs and searching every inch of his luggage (he only had a carry-on) for a bomb. They told him they were sure he must be carrying a bomb. He was cooperative in everyway, but by the end of the ordeal he felt extremely violated. He has been stuffing the experience but with the idea of flying coming up again, the feelings of anger and violation are coming back.
Secondly, his siblings are very dysfunctional and rather cruel people. They have a lot of negativity, cut people down behind their backs, and generally treat each other badly. He prefers to have me present to watch his back. I didn't grow up in a family that pushed buttons so I find that I am pretty immune to their crap. So he has decided that he is going to do some deep thinking about whether he can handle this trip or not and we will move on from there.
FWIW, to the people who think we need financial counseling...our decision to take the risk with this construction project was done eyes wide open. It should be a temporary strain until we can sell our current house. It also will provide another income source for us, due to the design work on improving solar hot water systems. Our architect wants to sign on DH as a consultant for futrue projects. But we have to get through the next 6-9 months of tight times. The business struggling was not foreseen , but was a direct result of us spending so much time on the construction project and should start to turn around this winter with our time and attention.
If you can't afford to go then don't go. I don't understand why you are making all of this drama when you can't ford to go. You told them you can't afford it so let it drop and try to get out to the next one. I don't think you should create more debt just so you can visit the family.
Hugely irresponsible of your DH really. I honestly would not go if I were you. That is way too much to ask. Driving for that amount of time for one day is ABSURD-especially with a child. Tell him to manup and just deal with the airport(...I am sick to death of people making a federal case about something that is going to possible keep us safer!!!! BFD-so somebody that you don't know sees your body outline!) ) He messed up bigtime by not including you on the planning and this is the unfortunate consequence of that. Stand your ground here because you are 100% correct.
And I am wondering also why it is so all the sudden important to honor his SISTERS dream of being all together. I can see where that is a nice idea but not at the expense of his OWN family.
This is an easy one...I know I am not in your situation but frankly if you can't afford to fly and your DS should not miss school then it is a no brainer. Yes disappointing but the timing just doesn't work for you. I think your DH needs to be realistic. I am sorry if this will cause a rift between the two of you but decisions like this require you to be on the same page and unified. While his family may be upset....The reality is what it is and many people now a days are struggling to make ends meet. Put your immediate family and your circumstances first. I think making plans to travel in May sounds fantastic and less stressful. By then you should have a better handle on your budget and no pressure for your DS to miss school.
I was in a similar situation. My husband's family planned a tropical vacation for the entire family to participate. Bottom line finances for us were tough and I had a newborn. Guess what, I was disappointed and so were they but we all got over it. Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving.
I tend to think that family is extremely important. My hometown is 1500 miles from where I currently live, and with two drivers it is 100% possible to make a drive like that in one shot, giving much more time for visiting, or less time for missing school.
Of course I would be annoyed by my husband not sharing plans with me sooner, but then again, some people aren't advance planners, and I probably would have assumed we'd be seeing his family sometime anyway...my exes family JUST made their holiday plans, and expect him to come (1200 miles) by himself with three children on less than 6 weeks notice!
I guess what I'm saying is, that while I would totally be annoyed, I'd most likely still find a way to make it work so the entire family could be there, UNLESS the trip is completely fiscally irresponsible, meaning it will cause you to be late on paying bills, not have enough food in the house, etc.
I think financial freedom comes first (and sanity of course) clearly you have indicated that you don't need that kind of debt lingering over your family... it's one thing to go to a funeral ...but this is different. Also, four days of school, in my book it a lot! The drive won't just be a drive either, you have to pay for food, lodging and gas. That will definitely add up.
IF his sister is truly supportive, she will understand that this is too costly.
For some reason, in this day and age, people (not all) but some don't want to be financially responsible even if it's gonna cause family problems...January is also high season in AZ... hotels (if you plan to stay in them) cost much more....
It's great if the family can get together but not if it's going to throw you back into debt. I see this trip costing more than 650....... gas alone will take a chunk of change..
I agree with you... sounds like you can't afford. It would have been nice if your DH called his sister and let her know it's too much ... Don't be afraid to put your foot down (as should your husband) debt is no laughing matter....
don't become a slave to it....
good luck
just tell dh that this year is not possible to make it, and call sil yourself and tell her sorry for the confusion but it's just not possible to make it :)
Just tell him you and your son are not going due to ALL of the circumstances, money, time, etc. If he wants to go, he's a big boy and he'll figure out how to fullfil HIS promises to his sister.
If it was me, I wouldn't want my son missing school OR spending 6 days out of a week in the car, and if we couldn't afford to fly, we wouldn't go. (And I don't mean putting 1K on a credit card!).
Love the idea of Skype for this.
I hope you got a bereavement discount for your flights for the funeral...
well, i'd be hot at dh making all these plans without considering the checkbook or consulting you.
he should fly by himself. it's way too far to be a feasible driving trip, and the scanners and pat-downs are incredibly discouraging, but he's the one who made the trip mandatory. you can't afford for all of you to go, so his sister's dream will just have to wait. she's a grown-up. she'll get over it.
khairete
S.
HMM. I would find out why it is so important to your hubby to be there? Is it that he doesn't want to miss out, does he feel guilty or did his mother's passing shake him into realizing how much he misses his family or something completely different?
It has been my experience as family passes we are faced with our own mortality and recognize how vital family is in keeping your memory and "who you were" alive.
That said, if I were you I would strongly encourage him to go, but really lay out the financial concerns you have in a very logical way. Keep all emotion out of it. While you would love to go (because really if you could afford it you would be so excited to go to AZ in the middle of fridged January, right?) the financial strain is so much you would end up resenting him and the family the whole time. give him your blessing to go alone or not at all.
It may feel to him like a "once in a lifetime" thing, but really, you all have next year, too:)
Good luck!
Your DH is crazy if he wants to drive 1700 miles for Thanksgiving dinner. We're driving 1400 miles for 2 weeks at Christmas and I think we're crazy:) It's too expensive and poorly planned. Wouldn't you have to leave today, anyways??
Given the economy and your credit issues and the fact you have a struggling business, had a hard time paying off the last round of flights for the funeral...maybe you can shave off many upgrades to that house you are building (or abandon the idea altogether for now) since it's at the max of what you can afford anyways, and look at realistically what you can spend.
Quite honestly, it comes down to what you can afford. Make a budget and plan it for the future. I totally agree, it's ridiculous to put that kind of driving strain on your family. It may be less expensive to drive, but there is also wear and tear on the car, and make-up homework for your child.
I think your husband is making it a bigger issue than it is, just say, "We can't this year." That's it. Is he simply embarrassed to tell his family he can't afford it?
Or, if you can cut corners with building house and make it work, than fly. Losing a parent and him getting together with his siblings is probably very important to him, they are trying to reestablish a relationship that was so poor in the past. Maybe you can retry to encourage just him to fly. It's something you can afford and he can see his family. A good compromise and the body scans are seen by techs in a different room, so they don't ever see him. Also, the pat downs regulations have been modified so they are less random:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/40332650#40332650...
Or, make plans for a family reunion next year.
just simply put your foot down an say you just cant afford it-and the stress of driving like that...for what??..ppl can be so selfish at times cant they??..i would just say it how it is-sounds like your hubby is pretty confused on what to do.take the reins and make a decision...if its so important for his family-they will either come to you or pay for your tickets-holidaze are not suppose to be the stressful...good luck
It sounds very important to you hubby that he be there; however, it is very important to takin the what if into consideration: I would tell him that we cannot afford all of us to go, maybe he can go by himself, and you and video conference everyone.
I am one to look at all angles. I would be afraid that $$ would deminish even more and spending that much would worry me ALOT. and driving that much is alot to ask of all your bodies, expesually the kids. How stressful.
Good Luck, and Happy Holidays!
so many things... first of all, and most importantly, i'd find a way out of the house you are building, that is just BEGGING for even more trouble down the road.
secondly, if your dh absolutely insists on going, make it a two day trip, that gives you two extra days to visit with family when you get there, and saves you two nights(one each way) of staying in a hotel during your travel there and back. i can do 13 hours EASY with 3 kids(1, 4, and 7), so i don't see why you'd need 3 days to do 1700 miles with only one older child.
all that aside, it sounds like you and your husband could benefit from some serious financial counseling and possibly some marriage counseling so you can get on the same page. good luck!
Send the host a webcam and tell them to Skype you when they are all sitting around a table together.
It sounds to me like a financial disaster to go, BUT, we always pull money out of our hats to fly to funerals and such. Why do we have a hard time spending money to visit live people?
What you should do is start searching for some good deals on tickets to fly, the drive would be way too much.
And as far as school goes just figure out what you need to do to make it an "excused" absence.
I used to pull my kids out of school all the time for stuff, seriously what are they gonna do if you take your kid out for a few days? Kick him out? When did schools get so picky? I don't get that, but I guess that's another story.
Write down the realistic pros and cons for this trip and then you and hubby figure out whether it's worth it to go or not. You are all still young and healthy, right? So getting together again one day is not unrealistic is it? Does it absolutely have to be now?
Lot's of people just cant "make it" to family reunions and such... you miss them for a minute but that's about it. I don't think it should be that hard to just say "sorry, it's just not possible to make it there in January". You don't even have to give them detailed reasons.
If it's inconvenient it's just inconvenient plain and simple.
I think that if your husband has been telling his sister and you all along that his plans are to go, no matter the cost, then you have had notice of his intentions. You just aren't listening to him. He wants to go and visit his family, he lost his mom and now realizes time isn't always there.
I would say make it work, the drive can be made more fun if everyone works together to pack the car well so everyone can have enough space and lots of different activities to do. It's not the end of the world for the kids if they miss a couple of days of school. Kids miss school all the time if they get sick or have doc appointments.
Family is what's important to me. It sounds like that you can make this painless or painful. You need to choose what your experience is going to be.
I like to drive with 2 drivers and cover as much distance as possible in situations like this. that cuts down the time in the car and gives much more time to visit.
His mom died and he wants to visit his family, the old hard feelings he had or the not caring is gone and he wants to reconnect.
I think your husband should have included you on the planning. But I do understand him wanting to get together with all of his siblings. I lost my Dad last year and after that, it means so much to all of us siblings when we can all get together (there's 5 of us so that isn't easy to do). I think you should tell you husband you will help him work it out this time but in the future he has to include you on the planning.
I would fly so that you can spend more time there. Check out Southwest Airlines. They have pretty cheap flights. Also, when you speak with your credit card company, see if they have a cash back program. You could buy the tickets w/ your credit card, get the points and then get an account credit for the tickets you bought or a check sent to you.
I know it's frustrating how this all went down but I know how your husband is feeling after losing a parent. Do this for him, it means a lot to him.
If it's his sister's dream, maybe she can chip in towards tickets! I understand the need to get everyone together, especially since a parent has recently passed away and they're all realizing that life is short, but putting financial pressure on people is unfair. See if all the other relatives can chip in something.
And yes, typical male behavior means avoiding anything they don't want to think about. Maddening, but SO common!
I would just tell my husband to go. He can take your son too if you feel it's ok. He left you out of all the plans and made no consideration of your financial situation, so I say just send him on his merry way and send along your wishes for a fun time but you can't be there.
Make your own decision - to not go. And let him make his. He either makes plans, buys a ticket, and goes, or he doesn't. His family - his choice.
It sounds like the stressors here are not the question of this trip, it is everything surrounding the idea of this trip - house, money, losing a family member, etc. Sit down and talk calmly about what is REALLY behind all of you and your husband's stress. Don't make it about this trip - that is a symptom of what's really going on in your marriage.
Gosh...what a situation to be in...first you have to decide if you are going to go or not...
Husbands sometimes figure out if they ignore a situation it will just go away (it is a mysterious phenomenon). Then when it doesn't go away, suddenly make a quick decision about the cheapest way to "fix" it. There I "fixed" it now be happy.
You know your husband best how will he react to you saying you and your son are not going? Will it drive a huge wedge in your relationship? Do you think this get together will the the first and only one for years or will this be something they do every year and expect you guys to attend?
If you decide to go...do NOT drive...6 days in the car for your son...and 6 days for you to be angry and mad at your husband it way way too much. Just pay the extra money and fly...$400 more (even that you don't have is way worth it over a car trip of that magnitude).
Don't forget about the other costs when you get to AZ...rental car, hotel, eating out, trips to local sites...etc etc. Or your husband offering to take everyone out to do something (eat, amusement activity, etc)...so factor that in.
I am never one to say just to do something you don't have the money to do...I like to save up and plan. But it all depends of how much these means to your husband and how long it will affect your relationship, and if you will be able to put your feelings behind you and have fun and be cordial to everyone on the trip.
You say you feel caught in the middle...that is exactly how your husband feels...caught between you and his family...he doesn't want to talk about it...remember the mysterious way if he ignores it, it will go away or be fixed...he knows you can't afford to go, but he feels like to his family that he can't "afford" not to go.
I say maybe tentatively plan the trip...how much it will cost (flying, put your foot down on driving) and other expenses. Then tell him you have figured out how much it will cost then ask him if he is okay with the total and if he is okay with paying off the amount over the next 6 months. If he says yes...well, go and try and have fun...AZ is beautiful. If he is not then let him know how much it will cost for him to go alone..and tell him to have fun.
Oh, and call your SIL and give her your email address and ask to be put in the loop next time as you are the "family planner and scheduler". if my husband's family tried to figure stuff out with him I would find out about it 6 months after it happened or when I saw the pics on facebook...
OMG, very stressful for you, I'm sorry! I know this isn't similar to others answers, but here's what I would do. I positively could not STAND the idea of that much car time with a young child. Unless they are very unusual, that would much straight driving would be torture. Not pleasant for an adult, but positively not fair to a child. It's one thing to take a leisurely 2 week vacation drive to/ through Yellowstone, quite another to drive 3 days, stay 1 or 2, and drive 3 days home. I would go ahead and purchase airline tickets for you and your child. Shop around, put them on credit if you have to. Pay them off little by little. Cut corners in the household someplace. Tell DH he can decide himself whether to drive himself or fly with you two. He is being a baby if he would subject his family to all that driving and missed school because he can't handle a one minute security check. I would purchase the 2 tickets, tell him he can decide to purchase one or drive. And oh yes, HE is officially in charge of making arrangements with your child's teacher/school, and managing his missed work or additional make up project work. I wouldn't act mad about it (though I would be) to cause a huge blow out fight, just matter of fact. He'll probably realize on his own he wasn't and isn't handling things in the best way. Good luck!
