I have two 5 year old girls (fraternal) that are in kindergarten. Tori is head strong, opinionated and a drama queen at home and an angel at school who works hard to make sure that everything is done perfectly. (I am worried that she is a bit OCD about it) Her sister Bren is a bit shy and has some problems that we are working on. She has 6 different Sensory Processing Disorders, 3 areas of Fine Motor Skill delays and ADHD, both the inattentive kind and the impulsive kind. She is on a 504 plan as her SPD cause her to make noises, touch (hug) others excessively and she doesn't always pay attention. The school has her seeing an OT but he does not do it regularly and I am about to get in a fight about that. The school also bought her a compression vest and it is working from what I am told.
Friday when I left one of the schools I teach at (out of cell zone), I got a text from the girls' teacher saying that Bren was having a bad start to the morning. She had pushed another child down, then sat and laughed when the child cried. I was appalled! I have talked with her, her father talked to her, the teacher sent her to talk to the guidance councilor and I made her go apologize to the child (whom she calls her friend), and she gave her a hug.
Other than sibling fights, I have never known either of my girls to be so ugly to anyone. Bren has shown behaviors toward animals that I don't like, but we talked about them and it was because she saw someone treat an animal that way. She now has a pet of her own that she takes good care of.
I DO NOT WANT TO RAISE A BULLY!
She KNOWS that pushing, hitting and hurting others is wrong, and I know that most kids do it at some point, but to laugh at someone else's pain, that SHE caused is abhorrent to me.
How do I teach her to have empathy for others and care about people?
(I learned the hard way. I was picked on and bullied in school by the same girls, from 4th grade through most of high school so I know what it feels like.)
When my oldest was about that age we would read one or two short stories from "Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul" book each night. I think they are a fabulous way for teaching empathy.
Ok, calm down. One mistake does not a bully make! It's just an opportunity to learn. You are handling it well by asking questions. She has you for a role model and a road map. You are reacting like someone who is not over the hurt of your childhood trauma.
I could give her excuses, like she doesn't feel pain like other people so she doesn't recognize the push and fall as really bad but it's her reactions and behavior, you are rightly concerned about.
Are you religious? Do you talk about the "golden rule"?
You can notice other kids when you are out..that boy has lost his toy, how do you think he feels?
Talk about appropriate ways to express, joy, friendship and anger.
Talk to her about a time when she was nice to someone and how it made her feel. Instill confidence that she is very capable of being a good friend.
The more you believe in her and her power to be good, the more she will make good choices. We all need someone to believe in us when we are at our worst.
Keep doing what you're doing. Children learn through repetition and by example.
Please also read the book "Love and Logic." As an inattentive, impulsive ADHD adult with inattentive, impulsive ADHD kids (who also have SPD), I can tell you that real life consequences that are well-explained are the best teaching tools. Break it down to terms they can understand, and ensure that you explain what the correct behaviors look like and why. Explain logically and simply, because abstract doesn't work.
A couple questions I'm throwing out, just for you to noodle on- you don't need to answer here.
1. How are the OTHER kids treating Bren? Are they teasing her, singling her out, noticing differences? First, I want to be clear that I am NOT excusing Bren's behavior-- the reason I ask this, however, is that I have seen this sort of behavior going on at my son's school, esp. with one child in particular who is on the ASD spectrum. Kids know that child is sensitive, that they are very responsive to teasing, and so they goad -- and get that kid into trouble because that child tends to have very big responses. That child isn't capable of letting teasing/goading roll off their back... so the other kids know they can get a rise out of them.
2. From the sounds of it, you are going to need to seek out more resources for your daughter. If the school isn't routinely offering therapy, you may need to find supplemental help for her. I would also look into talking to a child psychologist regarding the lack of empathy. Often, I believe, empathy is best modeled and reflected upon (like, when we see a person doing something kind for someone else and then say "wow, it was so nice for that man to help the older guy carry out the groceries to his car" ...noticing the small kindnesses others display) or we can encourage "That girl looks kind of sad because her friends have left her out, would you like to invite her to play tag with your friends?"
Some kids, though, do have more challenges to learning empathy, so in light of your daughter's previous diagnoses, I'd strongly encourage you to maybe get a bit more professional help/advice. It was very brave of you to ask this question. The school counselor might be able to give you some support, but you might choose to work with someone who specializes in kids with similar challenges, they may have some better tools and support for families. Good luck!
I talk about it often with my son who can be quite self centered. I go over scenarios and talk about how the other person must feel. He's 9 now..but I've been doing this with him since he was 3. He has a book is a really good one too called Have You Filled A Bucket Today? or something like that.
Sounds to me like there is a LOT of expectations on this little girl with a LOT of things at least slightly haywire in her brain. I'm still working on teaching my son (10) with Asperger's and ADHD empathy.
I wonder if "When Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Really Angry" would help her. I know a lot of 2-5 year olds, mostly in the two year old room, would act out aggressively when they were frustrated and couldn't express their emotions or articulate what was happening. "Sophie" is a fun book, even if it doesn't help. Lots of bright colors and simple words your girls should understand.
http://www.amazon.com/Sophie-Angry-Really-Really-Scholast...
This is a great question! I was wondering this myself since I have to deal with kids that lack empathy.
I found this link to be helpful:
Very good question, regardless if a child has issues or not. Have you considered maybe taking the girls to a soup kitchen, animal sanctuary, children's hospital or other places where volunteering is acceptable? I remember when I was somewhere around 10, my church (Salvation Army) went to a government-ran retirement "home". There was nothing homey about it, and really made me appreciate family, health and friends, as the majority of people there were so alone, deformed, sickly, etc.. but they loved having us there. (We gave them care packages with toothbrushes, combs, toothpaste, etc...). Anyway, it really made an impact on us kids who were so self-involved.
Sorry for the long response - it's one of those days! lol
Try not to worry too much about her being a bully. Five year olds don't really have a full concept of empathy, nor is it fully matured in them. It develops over time as they grow older.
Just encourage and acknowledge those positive moments and acts of kindness. She'll learn that her kind acts can garner a positive reaction. Also, make an effort to point out your own or others acts of kindness and how good it makes you feel. Basically, lead by example.
With my son around this age, we started a basic daily task chart. On the list was "help or be kind to someone each day". The more he helped others, the more points he could get towards his weekly goal. I think this really helped.
