Help with Playdate Manners!

Keep working with her - I remember some previous questions about this little one. It sounds like she is making some headway with manners. She needs role playing and guidance and, unfortunately, if you are the only one giving it to her, it makes your job harder. She has learned how to have bad manners and can learn how to have good manners. She may truly have a hard time dealing with other kids if she is not the kind of child who has been exposed to a lot of kids or who has grown to be manipulative to get attention (i.e. pouts, lied to an adult, etc....). Talk to her when you are not in the heat of the moment. Role play with her with stuffed animals or toys. Sometimes, when children are nervous, they respond the exact opposite of what you'd expect. Making comments about "sex" or "bras" may be acting out or may just be to get a rise out of kids. You may have to give more detailed advise on how to be a friend - one lesson at a time.

Don't make excuses for her (i.e. "I'm embarrassed for her....".) Don't tolerate bad behavior, however, make sure you are praising her when she does use the right words, right manners, etc... Don't be worried that your child is NOT mannerly - kids change. She can learn. Little steps. I think it's good to be present for play dates but, you can't always intervene for her - or hover. You have to arm her, in advance, with how to resolve conflicts (i.e. "two-choice rule", "rock/paper/scissors", "eenie-meenie-minie-mo", or whatever.....). Role playing will help. Unless there is a big conflict, you'll have to trust that she can figure out how to resolve it and what behavior doesn't make for a good resolution (i.e. pouting, yelling, bossing). She won't learn without making mistakes. Teach her to be the "world's best negotiator" - even calling her that when she succeeds. When she learns this - she will gain confidence. It's not realistic to think that all play dates will be at your home. When you trust that she is doing better, just make those play dates shorter at the beginning.

Don't worry about what other moms are saying - nobody's child is perfect - in fact, being a parent can be quite humbling. If those moms are whispering about YOU.... that's bad manners! Shame on them!

Keep up the good work. This child needs you!

Our neighbor's daughter was just like that. My neighbor was so embarassed by her behavior she wouldn't allow her daughter to go to anyone's home - I think this hurt her in the long run. Now at age 10, the daughter is not used to spending time away from her mother.

I think you could enlist one or two mothers to assist you. If you explain that you are aware of her bad manners and you are working on it and ask that they have your daughter over for short periods of time to help you out. Invite them to nicely correct your daughter's behavior or let you know about specific incidents that maybe could be discussed later. By allowing the other parents to know it is being worked on and giving them the power to correct her or at least not feel bad about ignoring her requests and telling her no at times they will feel more comfortable having her over.

Maybe you can explain after the fact how a situation could be handled differently...
"it might be considered by others rude to ask for juice because maybe they only allow the juice at certain times of the day"

"if you are thirsty at someone's home you may ask for water but it would be rude to ask for things that are purchased. you may have something other than water only if it is offered to you first"

"asking persmission for everything is important because some people are more private than others"

Explain before each and every playdate that please and thank you are always things that other parents notice about friends and that your daughter is going there to play not eat and drink their food.

Stick with it. Tell others you are aware and need their help. People feel bad telling other people's kids no to things so let them know it's okay.

Sounds like your step daughter really knows how to push your buttons! Hey - why not make it about her behavior and not about how embarrassing she is to you? If she doesn't have friends for awhile - so what? She needs to learn some hard lessons and it sounds like she needs to make all her own mistakes before she can learn from them.

All you can do is what you've been doing (sans the embarrassment - really her behavior isn't about you) and reiterate what being a good friend is and what good manners entail.

Something is working if she's doing better at home. Pat yourself on the back then keep digging in!

Try social stories. These are typically used in a classroom with kids who have disabilities, but please don't be put off by that. They are useful for any child! I especially like how these stories provide another way to communicate expectations... some kids can/will only absorb so much verbal direction.

Look up "social stories" or "social story" in google. You'll find example text for the kinds of behaviors that you are working on (i.e. being polite). You can copy the text to a word document and attach pictures of your daughter doing the desired behaviors in the story. Have your daughter read them with you, talk about the pictures, answer questions, and reread the stories.

Good luck!

There are books for young girls about mannerism & about being a young lady. There are park districts that have mannerism classes. Go to the library or book store with her & both of you read the books together. She needs guidance & sounds like you are the only one willing to help her. Maybe you can do role playing with her. Just keep working with her it will get better.