Help with My 17 Yr Old Son

Have you sat down and talked to him about, I mean just you and him go out to dinner and have an adult conversation with him. You might be treating him as a child, and that is one of the most common problems with parants and children when they are teenagers, sometimes we still treat our younge adults like children. I have a 17 year old daughter and when I start to do this she calmly reminds me of her age and when she will be 18. These drugs might be effecting him in some way that he has not told you because he does not want to worry you of it. But as of next year it wont be your choose, and you want him to understand the problems and concers that you have with him, and that at any age he will still be your little baby, and that he might not understand right now, one day he will. The point I am making is maybe you can come to some type of understanding on this, and if the medication is bothering him there are other types that can help. As for the office that was treating your son, if they dropped him because of their mistake and can't own up to that fact, it is not a place you want your son to be treated by. I wish you all the luck and will be praying for you and your son...

Hi C.,
Well, your son has one thing he really needs, a mom that loves him and cares with all her heart.

I've had bad luck finding someone for my oldest, mental health wise...and I really believe in therapy. I do love Sandy Miller , used to be at the Elm Center, and Tom Feldman if you want names.

Tom's sister is an art therapist.

Energy work has been a huge part of my healing path. I am a practioner/teacher if you are at all interested, we can talk more about that option. Sandy also uses, or used, energy work and as she said, "I can get more done in one session than six months of talk therapy."

It's very gentle, and paced per person, btw.

I also teach voice and have seen many, many wounded people find deep healing through music.

Is he interested in music at all? Or any art?

Anyway, just some thoughts. My heart to both of you.

P.

It's hard to listen to people when you are in depression, I know, I was there. Back in high school I finally put myself in the hospital in the psyc ward. I knew I needed help, but no one around me seemed to hear me.

I think the reason your son is backing away from everyone is because he feels that no one around him understands how he feels. The cousolers can have as many certificates and diplomas as they want, but who are they to tell you how you should feel if they have never been in your place before?

It's a very difficult place to be in life, where your son is. I was on medication for a year or so.....but what finally did it for me was that I was lying awake one night thinking about everything I had been through.....wondering why I was still here after all I had done to myself, then I realized I must be here for a reason, so let's find out. I started my senior year with the goal to graduate with a 4.0 GPA......I made honor roll first semester, made honor roll second semester, was featured as the senior of second semester 1997 and graduated with a 3.86 GPA....had one creative writing teacher that gave me a B out of all my other classes that were an A....go figure.

Ok, enough rambling.....your son needs someone he feels he can trust to talk to....someone who is or has gone through what he is going through. Look for some local support groups that meet in your area...I'm sure there are. Don't get on him, don't be harsh towards him...that is the last thing he needs. Just be supportive as much as you can....maybe ask him what it is he would like, or what he wants....if he says "I don't know"....then tell him you are there for him when he knows. I know what he feels....he feels hopeless....that nothing goes right....no one cares about him...he's nothing but a failure......he has all these problems that just keep manifesting into a large problem with no hope in sight to get rid of them.

I know that my opinon and little story is not a quick fix....but I hope that it helps anyway at all.

If you want to talk more....just contact me....I'm here for you if you want.

Have you tried Outreach in Mt Lebanon? 412/ ###-###-#### They have a teen program that might be able to help.
I feel there is a sense of urgency in your voice from your post and you are his mom. If he is in danger--you would know it first. Get help immediately--change doctors, call 911, whatever you have to do to get this issue addressed. Even though teens may push you away, they still need you immensely. I know that you know that. You're a good mom. Good luck and God Bless.

Working with Adolescents, I have seen all types of behavioral changes from all different background, shapes, sizes, nationalaties, religions, situations, you name it! Yours is not new. Please don't feel alone in this. I hope there is a Partial Hospital Program located near where you live to have your 17 yr. old discuss his concerns. While I respect everyone's opinions, I would have him voice why he opts not taking his meds. To stop anything "cold turkey" has very risky side effects up to and including quite possibly life altering ones. (Please check with your Psychiatrist.) Never argue with your son his or your side. This time in his life obviously is detrimental to him...he has at least wanted to work "it" out by accepting the fact that medicine can quite possibly aid in helping to ease some degree of his symptoms. Every child to me is not a lost cause. Your baby to me just seems like his choice to stop taking his meds may be warranted at the wrong time. Partial or IOP might be what he needs right now. Sometimes an adult's view of an adolescent's picture is just that.....completely adult. Praying the best for the both of you.

Good morning C.,

I am on effexor for depression. I've experienced problems with the medication causing sleep problems if used on consecutive days. It keeps me up at night when I use it daily. Is your son experiencing any side effects? I stopped using the medication daily, and with occasional use it seems to help better on the days I feel really depressed without the side effects. Would your son talk with you about his feelings? Family support and the support of friends and even teachers might be a great help for your son to build his self esteem. Have you considered a karate program? The important thing that helps me the most is having friends and family around and having FUN together. Smiling and laughing is good medicine.
Hope this helps, M.

Please, ask your son why he doesn't want to take it. There are many drugs for depression and he may need a different one. Effexor made my friend very sick. It is fine for others. These drugs don't work if you don't trust them. Honest. It sounds like you need to find a good doctor NOW. If he feels powerless over this drug issue, he will never take it. If he feels empowered to help a good doctor find the right one, you may see a different young man. And if a counselor is prescribing, that's a big problem. As to the clinic dropping him, there are many programs he may qualify for. They may be throwing drugs at a problem that could be solved with talk therapy, also.

You must get your son back in counseling and if effexor isn't working out there are several other medications now that are more effective for teens.

The best advice I can tell you is to keep trying to talk to him about it but don't let it be everything you talk about. I know this from having my own issues to deal with as a teenager. Let him know you love him and don't want to see anything happen to him but at the same time understand that you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped and refuses to do it. Help him gradually work back into the idea. And find him another counselor. He is seventeen and once he turns 18 you know that cannot force him to go. Just be there for him as much as you can. Also let him and the new counselor decide what is the best rememedy whether it be medicine, etc. good luck and I will keep you guys in my prayers.

Hi C.,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sad to say that I have experience with what happens when people "play" with their medications, either stopping them or taking them whenever the mood strikes. I could tell from your post that you know what can happen and I've seen it happen. It's a really bad scene and it effects a lot of people.

I would immediately get him back in counseling, I know a great gal in Malvern who has worked with my now 16 year old daughter as well as her close friend and they both really connected with her.

For now, until you are sure he is on the medication again, I would tell him no driving. I know that is a HUGE thing for my daughter and if I take car priviledges away she is beside herself! Maybe explain that if he isn't mature enough to take a prescribed, necessary medication then he will be treated like a child again.

Kids at this age pull back and forth between being a pre-teen to being a teen to being a mature adult, its like a roller coaster and parenting any teen is a feat in and of itself.

Email me if you want to chat more. ____@____.com

I hope things work out.

C.,

Are there any teen programs around you? Is it possible for one of the therapists he was working with to put him in touch with another teenager facing similar issues? He may just need someone his own age to talk to so he knows he is not alone.

Regardless of whose mistake it was, can you contact that group and have them switch his medication?

I also want to thank you for being a great mom and taking action for your son. Too many parents have no idea and just sit back and let things happen. You are doing a fabulous job raising your son and I take my hat off to you.

I wish you and your son well. Keep your head up and just keep trying to find someone willing to help.

L.

First of all let me tell you my heart goes out to you. I had a daughter with the same problems. I did not want her on medication because I did not understand her illness. I cried everyday to get my daughter to be "normal" again. She turned 18 and put herself on medication cause she knew enough about herself that it would help her. She was a cutter, she cut herself cause she thought she was a bad person and needed to feel pain. It took about six months for the doctors to get the medicine right for her. One day, there she was, my daughter was back. She was on effexor and she did wonderful and could be herself. I had problems with her sister trying to tell her to there was nothing wrong with her and she should just fix it. Well she did and the medication brought her back to us. I went through four years of hell because I did not understand her illness but I did know her well enough to know "something" was wrong. She is a most wonderful adult now at age 30 she is no longer on effexor and has not been on it for almost 4 years. She knew she had to do something to fix herself and she did. Tell your son he may not always have to have it but for right now if it makes him be himself, please take it from an extremely loving and grateful mother, take your medicine honey, it is worth it. You will be much happier for it and nobody needs to know he is taking it only you and him. Some kids can be cruel and he may have been harrassed about being on medicine, there is no shame in taking medicine if it helps you be yourself and enjoy your life instead of being miserable. Make sure he knows you understand him and his illness, it makes a world of difference.
Hope this helps you out some. Gloria

Hi C., My daughter, who is a younger teen was on effexor and chose to take herself off...Your son might be struggling to gain some control by going off of the medicine. Also the teens really don't like the way the med makes them feel. I made a " deal " with my daughter that I would allow her to stay off her med if she could show me that she was ok without it, but if she started having trouble again, she would have to go back on it, for her own good. That was a year ago and she has been doing well ever since. But we all played a part in going out together (movies, dinner) , finding activities that she really wanted and pursuing them (piano, guitar lessons). Some studies show these meds can be dangerous to teens, so if they want to try to go without maybe we should let them give it a try. If you feel he is so depressed that he must have some type of med, I found my primary care doc to be very helpful, maybe that will help you. Best of luck.
W.

I would extend myself to all professionals who will listen and to those with resources.

As a teenager, I needed a lot of the same guidance that your son sounds like he needs. You need to find someone that your son will listen to. Someone he can trust and believe in, someone he can have regular access to.

Whether is is a church member, guidance councelor, teacher, family friend, a therapist, whoever... but don't stop trying.

I attempted suicide as a teenager, found myself pregnant, and tried a lot of street drugs - it wasn't until I had people I could talk to that I turned around. Another factor was when I graduated high school and started college - I needed my self confidence back.

Found out what interests him and help him build his self-confidence and self-worth - those go far with or without the help of drugs in squashing depression and anxiety!

Also, getting a good nights sleep is worth its weight in gold! Help him set a schedule where he gets good sleep!!!

Just my two cents, hope it helps.

First of all it seems that you are relying on the medication more than your son is. Maybe he has matured enough to act responsibly without medication.How about giving him a break with the medicine and talking to him and let him tell you how he feels about things. Or try focusing on your son and put your husband on the back burner for a while and help your son juggle the things he needs to do.
Thanks
Shant'e

C. I can sympothize with your situation, and understand all too well. First of all you are already more aware than some parents, so that is a very good start. Secondly, there are many, many places to take your son for some guidance, so you may want to "shop" around. Third, well, I was on effexor at his age and also went through wanting to stop the meds. No it is not very healthy, but honestly C. stopping the meds, going through the withdrawel(which isn't pleasant) and eventually sinking back into my rut taught me a lot about my need for it. As much as you may want to "fix" him, at his age it may benefit both of you to give and take. I do understand how scary it is, my poor mom is a saint for what she helped me through. You are displaying many of the same traits she has and I believe that is why I am here. Be patient, You may not get him back the way he was, after all I am sure you have improved since you were a teenager, he may just be better than ever. But keep in mind there is always more help than you think out there. And you are already starting off on the right foot by reaching out.