Help, My 4-1/2YO Won't Potty Train!

You've already got a lot of good advice, but I thought I'd add my bit. After ruling out a medical condition, you might try the advice my husband and I got from a co-worker...it may sound cruel, but give it a chance. First warn him that if he doesn't use the potty, then he'll be in trouble. After the warning, the next time he soils his pants, you fill the sink with cold water (my husband added ice), take off his soiled pants and dip his bottom and "family jewels" in the water. One time is all it took for my step-son.

He is comfortable at home and sounds like get very involved and may forget to go potty in lue of having fun. My sister suggested setting a timer for every 30 mins. I would stop every thing and take my boys to potty. I didn't ask, I just took them physically to the potty. It took awhile, but eventually got the point the faster they went potty the more they could have fun.

Also since he is 4 1/2 I would have him help clean up the messes he makes.

Don't put him back in diapers. It won't "shame" him into staying dry, he obviously doesn't care to stay dry at home. If he is dry at school, then you know he's capable and this is a power struggle or him just ignoring the signs.

Don't "remind" him to go. Set a timer and TAKE him to the potty every 30 minutes. If he protests or says he doesn't have to go, take him anyway. Tell him he can be trusted to go on his own after he's been dry for X number of days, but until then he will go potty every time the timer rings. No matter what.

If he has an accident, don't shame him or yell, but make it uncomfortable. He is old enough to take off his own clothes, put the wet things in the laundry tub or where ever, get new undies and pants and put them on and wipe up the floor! If he wants/needs your help, do so but make him wait a bit... don't come running. Say "okay, honey, I'm just finishing these dishes and then I'll help you in a little while" and give him 5 minutes to sit around being wet and uncomfortable.

Use the upcoming holidays as possible bribes... something he really wants? - he'll need to show what a big boy he is and that when he's ready to be very responsible and be a big boy, then it'll be time to get that special thing because you'll know he can be careful and responsible.

Unless there's a medical problem or he's special needs, he is capable of this. You must EXPECT it of him until he expects it of himself. :)

I agree with Mary...dump the diapers and put him in underwear and encourage him when he does go. I used a "potty-pass" with stickers, for success, with my daughter. She wanted to go pee just to get a sticker. Ten stickers got her a small prize. Good Luck!

WIth my son, what I had to do. He is 3 (sept) and he seriously was a pain in the butt to train. When he was 2 1/2 he was 100% day trained and then decided one day he didn't to do it. I kept trying for several months to get him to go on the potty again which he wouldn't. But finally out of the blue about a month before his 3rd birhtday he told me pee and peed in the toliet. He was really good about it and was potty trained in about a week, but after a month he started having accidents again, which they weren't accidents. So I told him that if he didn't have any accidents for a week I would go buy him a new thomas train, because that's his favorite thing. So I bought him it and he knows that everytime he pees/poos in his pants (except night time) he will get it taken away. I take it away for at least 2 whole days at a time and put it on top of the refrigerator, so he can see it. I think the part where he can really see it and how he can't just play with it, makes him not want to go in his pants because he knows that he was naughty. I seriously had tried everything and this is the only thing that seemed to have worked for me.

If he is trained in public, but not at home, then he is making a choice to do it at home. He must want your attention or something. You just need to give him some kind of positive reinforcement. What does he like to do with you? So tell him, if you stay dry for 2 days, you will take him to McDonald's by himself (get a sitter for the others) (or other activity that he would like to do with you). THe next time, make it three days, then four, etc. Finally, be sure to praise him for being dry for a whole day when he does it (positive reinforcement). If he has an accident in the process, then say - that's too bad, but I know it was just an accident and you will be dry tomorrow, so you can go to McDonald's. The hope for the future will be positive and he won't be upset and revert to the negative. Good luck!

I am in a similiar situation. My 3 yr old was trained then regressed. What seems to be working is setting the timer for every 30 minutes or so. He now knows that when it is beeping (I let it beep until he is out of the bathroom then I reset it again) he should go to the potty. It seems to be working. It also keeps me on my toes. You woudln't believe how fast 30 minutes goes by!!

my son hated going potty until he noticed when he peed there were bubbles in the water. he loves bubbles so we started saying lets go make bubbles instead of lets go potty. it really worked for him. he is now totally potty trained.

With one of my kids, it has been 3 years since we started potty training. It was a very frustrating process because he wanted to hold the power of the potty. It was over a year before he was totally potty trained, but even then every now and again he will revert back to just not going. I know he just doesn't want to stop what he is doing and go. I remember my brother messing his pants at 6 because of that. So we have to revert back to setting the timer and planning it into his day to go. It takes a while and when he is sick and tired of us calling the shots in this area we return that responsibility back to him and he does well. Our sons are quite capable of taking the responsibility at this age, we just have to call them into account and pass them back the responsibility. If the choice is tough enough because the consequences are unpleasant enough, he will make the choice to be responsible. Save the diapers for your little ones. Hopefully your other kids will potty train like a dream.

Hi M.-

Does your son have a favorite character that you can find on underwear? When my son was 2 he LOVED Finding Nemo. So I bought him some Nemo underwear and told him that he got to wear them because he was a big boy. BUT...if he soiled them, we would have to throw them away (If he made a good effort to get to the potty, his undies were safe). He only lost one pair of underwear and he was NOT HAPPY about it, so he did not lose another. I thought it worked a better than offering a "bribe" and I hoped that it would be a good lesson in respecting his belongings.

Good Luck!

OMG. i hope my grandson wont be 41/2 when is is potty trained. he is 17 months old. i just got primary custody of him but have had him since birth. i started him at 12 months. jsut sitting him on the potty every time i went to the bathroom. i keep a small trash can beside his potty which is located in front of the big toilet. we read books and sing songs while we sit there. i alwasy tell him lets go potty and he runs to the bathroom. i also make him sit about 20 minutes after every meal. i think he thinks its a fun thing to sit there and read and sing becasue he loves it. last week he started telling me when he had to pee but he hasnt quite gotten the concept of telling me before he has to go poop. he is doing great with the pee thing though . i stay at home with him all day so its easy to take him to the bathroom at least once an hour. i think consistency is the key.

If you have ruled out medical issues then it sounds like it a "won't not can't" issue. I remember hearing about something similar on a Dr. Phil episode. Perhaps the reasons he won't have something to do with the situation between you and dad. Check out DrPhil.com and do a search on "Potty Training". I wish you luck and patience.

Hi M.,
My brother had the same problem.
We finally got him to potty train by giving hima a small treat after he went potty.

C.

M. - I feel your pain, my 3 &1/2 year old daughter is going through the same thing! she's been potty trained for about 9 months and all of a sudden is having 2 to 3 accidents a day at home only!! You have to wonder why it doesn't happen in public! I had her in preschool for a year and she didn't have one accident there!! so something is up! I hope you get some good response so I can get some help too!
At least you know your not alone!
L.

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've never heard of 4 1/2 yo that won't potty train! Have you thought of taking him to the doctor? But he can hold it during the day and in public, but not at home? This sounds like a power trip to me. What I did with my little 3 1/2 yo power tripper (he's now 18) was put him in clothe diapers and plastic pants. They're really irritating to them. The wet clothe clings to their butts and the plastic pants can chafe. I did that for about two weeks with my oldest and it worked! I came out of the kitchen to find him in our powder room, changing his own diaper (pins and all) and putting the diaper in the diaper pail. As he tried to climb up to the shelf and get a new one, I told him something: If you are old enough and smart enough to do that, you're able to go to the potty on your own. You won't have to deal with the diapers anymore. He was potty trained from that moment on. The other thing I would suggest is making him wear them everywhere. Take away the "big boy undies" and treat him like a baby. He'll grow weary of it really quick. You might want to remind him that if he doesn't cut out the power trips, he'll end up going to kindergarten in diapers! Nip it in the bud, hon! I know it's hard to tough love our kids, but try it. I think he'll cave and do what is required of him. Hugs!

my daughter was a little older too and what worked for her was to reward her. But instead of rewarding her when she went potty, I rewarded her for keeping her underwear dry for a set period of time. I started small and gradually extended the time. You might consider making the reward larger as the time increases. In her case stickers worked, but it might be something different for your son.