Help! My 3 1/2 Yr Old Son Wakes up Repeatedly/tantrums in Bed!

Greetings! He is old enough to understand that his actions have consequences so I think that you should try a sticker chart. With the sticker chart start with going to bed; if he goes to bed without a tantrum he gets a sticker, if he lays down and falls asleep after a short story (or other brief routine) he gets another sticker; finally, if he stays in his room quietly all night then he gets a 3rd sticker. Then in the morning, if he has all of his stickers he gets a small toy (from the dollar store), special privilage, or treat. Continue this approach until he has several days in a row where he's gotten all 3 stickers then up the ante a little where he has to get all 3 stickers for 2 or 3 days in a row before he gets a treat. Finally see if he can go a week or more before he is rewarded.

Also, try giving him a special toy that would be motivating to play with in the dark (one with lights or glows in the dark). He can only have the toy in bed (or in his room at night)if he stays quiet. When morning comes the toy gets put away. This way he has an incentive for staying in his room/bed.

Hope this helps!!!

You made it clear that the transition marked the change in behavior. Was your son in a crib or sleeping with you prior to the move to a big boy bed? There is a theory about moving kids out of cribs into beds... something about the security of the walls of the crib were comforting, and subconsciously the child does not feel safe in the regular bed. Cosleeping is the same thing, it provides comfort/security that a regular bed cannot. I don't know what your current situation is, but would you consider and benefit from cosleeping? You can put his mattress next to your bed if you don't want him in your bed.

As far as your husband thinking "something is wrong with him," it's not impossible that your son has greater sensory needs than the average child. You would know if this was possible if there were other signs outside of sleep issues. Does he crash around a lot during the day? Does he seem to have a high pain threshold? Does he express fear or alarm with certain sounds or lights? My son is sensory-seeking/proprioceptive, and he was never a great sleeper. He does well sleeping with us, in our bed. There are other signs, though, that can differ so much child to child. The reason I bring this up is how your son sometimes goes to sleep with no issue, even though you did nothing different in the sleep routine. Sensory kids need help regulating themselves, so it's possible that he received all the input he needed prior to the sleep routine on those good nights. If you want to discuss sensory issues further, please message me.

Perhaps you'll get feedback about how much time you are spending putting him to sleep in his bed, how consistent you are being, whether or not your son is controlling/manipulating the situation. There are many possible reasons. Sometimes reasons don't matter, especially when the family is sleep-deprived... simply stated, he's telling you that he doesn't like the sleeping arrangement.

I have learned that doing big changes all at once can lead to disaster, and that sometimes they resolve themselves over time and sometimes they just get worse and worse. ALSO, the cause isn't always what you think it is!

I would say that what is going on is horrible for the whole family. Could you get in communication with your son (when it's not bedtime and he's in a good mood) as to why he doesn't like going to bed? He may tell you himself what the issue is. He may say he's lonely, or scared, or not tired. He may say the bed is uncomfortable or he doesn't feel safe.

Once you figure out what the issue is you can solve it slowly. Maybe you can start with a mattress on the floor of your room for a week. Then you switch and you sleep on a mattress on the floor of his room.

I know there's an age difference, but when my stepdaughter was six she did NOT want to go to bed AT ALL. She would hide, cry, refuse to brush her teeth etc. Later we found out that she thought that we were going to have fun "without her" when she was in bed. For a whole week we had to turn off the TV and do boring things like read and do work when she went to bed. She felt reassured that we weren't "having fun without her" (she would get up out of bed to come see what we were doing.) She got up, saw that we were reading books (so boring!) and we'd pretend we didn't see her and she'd go right back to bed and go to sleep. No crying, no whining.

It's amazing what just talking to your kid (when they are not in the middle of drama) can uncover! Now she goes to bed with no problem and we break out the cookies and the rated R movies! LOL!

Also, you might want to have him checked for food allergies. He could be eating something one night that he's allergic to and that can cause an emotional breakdown. That might explain why some nights he's fine.

Good luck!

try eliminating milk from his diet, and all milk products for 2 weeks. There was a study done of preschoolers that found that the majority of them with sleep problems had hidden milk allergies.
My older dd didn't sleep through the night till she was almost 4 yrs old. I tried EVERYTHING and learned a ton about sleep in the process. I learned that earlier bedtimes are best (like 7 pm) and that kids under age 5 need 14 hours of sleep each day so naps were important to be kept. An overtired kid won't sleep solidly and will get hyper and not able to fall asleep. I tried sticker charts, spanking, cry it out, teaching her what to do if she did wake up, etc. Nothing worked. And she was getting up 2 to 20 times a night.

Then I remembered that study I had read and decided I had nothing to lose. I took away milk.

After 5 days she was sleeping solidly all night. After another 6 nights of solid sleep I decided to see if it was a fluke or really from the milk. I loaded her up with milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream and any other dairy I could. She was up 6 times that night. Took away dairy again and back to solidly sleeping all night.

We did learn that she could handle ONE cup of milk at lunch. At dinner didn't work, she would wake up. Two cups didn't work, even if they happened before lunch.

She had NO other signs of milk allergy.

Now she is 10 and can have milk and sleeps great.

My friends son was doing something similar to this. They were at their wits end giving him time outs etc. They ended up taking him to the doctor and it turned out he needed his tonsils and adenoids removed. He was waking up screaming because he couldn't sleep, not because he was being difficult. They've seen an amazing difference since surgery. Just a thought. Good luck.

My daughter (~3.5 too) had a bit of a struggle with the change for a week or so. It turns out she was scared of the new bed because without the full side rail, she was afraid that "wolves" could now get her (what can I say, vivid imagination). Anyway, I built her a "tent" in her bed with blankets over the top and sides for a couple of nights which made her feel more secure and it was a fun little thing for her. That worked and now she's fine.
If it's a fear thing, you can give him a kid-safe flashlight or spray bottle with "monster repellant" (water).
Not sure if any of this will work, but I'm always up for trying anything....
Good luck!

Hi J.,

I don't have an answer for you but I can definitely relate as my 3.5 year old is definitely been challenging us at night lately too. I think they just realize that they have some freedom and they don't want to do exactly what we want them to do and so they are testing. Things that help a little...We are super consistent with bedtime routines and do not let him crawl in bed with us. I can't put up a gate or doorknob covers because he needs to get in and out of his room to use the bathroom. I also use lots of choices and forewarning... ie ten minuted until bedtime, 5 minutes until betime... do you want to brush your teeth in the powder room or upstair... do you want to put on your blue pjs or red pjs... This seems to avoid the confrontations and screaming and then he also thinks he is in charge. Threats and yelling didn't work for us, they just made him fall apart or yell and scream back. So, I feel your pain, I think this is a tough age from the testing standpoint and we are definitely feeling sleep deprived too.

Good luck!!

While i don't have a solution for you i can definitely relate to you. My son is 2 and a half and does the same exact thing. I wonder sometimes myself if its normal.I honestly think that its terrible 2s and 3s. Its just behavior. I think its just a phase and they will grow out of it. The sooner the better but it may be a while. Until then us parents get to go insane and be sleep deprived.

Im curious to see any other replies you get to this post. It's a wonderful topic and i hope you get lots of feedback bc at this point Im willing to try anything for a good nights rest!

Hi Jenni,
Well, all I can say is that we've all been through it. Our eldest use to do the exact same thing. He would scream, cry,make such a fuss. He even use to make himself throw up so he wouldn't have to sleep in his room , in his toddler bed. Well, on one of our routine Dr. visits, she asked how things were going at night, and when I told her, she said this.."no child ever died from crying." " He has to learn to stay in his room. Read him a book, kiss him goodnight. and leave the room. If he gets out put him back, but don't let him sleep in your bed." and she was right! You see, children are very smart. It hurts us more to see them cry and make such a fuss, so we give in to there demands. Let him have a comfort blanket, or his favorite stuffed animal. Let him know you love him when you put him back to bed, no matter how many times you have to do this. It may take a few days,you will probably be pretty exhausted, but you'll all be sleeping better soon. Good luck! It will all work out!

My pediatrician has repeatedly told me that the parents NEED to sleep. He advised us to put a gate in our childs room, I said to him he climbs over it, and his reply was put another one up! He said they would put a few toys in his sons room, a small train (non musical!) some books, whatever and if he gets up, let him play, if he falls asleep on the floor-fine, good! Just tell him he is not to wake you and daddy,it's sooooo hard I know and so many of have been there, but he knows as long as you keep coming in he's got you! Hang in there.