Guilt? - Brigham City,UT

Mom-guilt.

It's just something to learn to cope with, because, no matter what I've done it's never gone away.

I've done some things that have lessened it (like when I was working I wouldn't come straight home... but instead stopped within 5 minutes of home to change into comfy clothes, and sit and read and drink coffee for about 20-30 minutes... so when I came home I was *excited* to be home, instead of needing to relax/ "come home from work". Since I did that at the coffee shop and took my me-time there until I had destressed... he got a mum who was thrilled to see him instead of one who "just needs 10 minutes")... but the guilt never goes. It's part of how I constantly reevaluate myself and what is going on. :)

Sounds like a normal mom to me....try and stop feeling guilty. you are doing or at least trying to do a whole lot more than a lot of moms I know! Good luck

This is so normal, and even those so called put together moms have the same troubles all us mere mortals have! I like to say that all we really have to do is to love our kids with all we have, and anything else we happen to get right is just icing on the cake! When they are grown they will remember the love, not the hurried mornings!

A. if you have to work and I mean have to, try doing his shower/bath at night, so you don't have to rush him every morning, that is not a good way for a child to start the day. You didn't mention his age, but why video games, what happened to board games, like Candy Land or thinks like that? reading? if you count the hours you spend working compared to the hours you spend with your child, you'll understand why he always wants you to play with him. Try not to yell and rush, and make the most of the morning that you can so you go away from him with him feeling loved and nurtured. J.

I feel guilty. I know I am a good Mom. A really good Mom, but I also know I make mistakes. Sometimes something flies out of my mouth before I can stop it........and I wish I had not said it. I wish I could get past the guilt and the feeling that I could do better, or maybe I did it wrong. Intellectually I know I am fine, but emotionally I slip into the guilt thing too.

I really think MOST mom's feel guilty. They love their kids so much that their expectations for themselves aren't reasonable. And forget about these so called super-moms. Every house has their muck.

That you are aware of it is good because you can fight it. That you apologize is great too. Fight the guilt, but try not to feel guilty for feeling guilty! Remind yourself that you ARE a good Mom every day.

Keep slugging away to find a morning schedule that works. The "Love and Logic" book helped me to stop yelling. Also, check to see if PMS is making it worse. There are remedies for PMS.

Feeling guilty is normal. But it's not productive unless it makes us change what we're doing. First of all, FORGET ABOUT SUPER MOMS! There aren't any! We all have stress but some of us show it more or differently. The guilt is something we manufacture for ourselves.

Find some activities that you and your son enjoy together. If it's not video games, try board games or puzzles or nature hikes or playing catch or puppet shows or crafts. Or all of those things. It's better for your son to have a variety of activities, both for physical and emotional development. He'll enjoy things if you are excited and showing him what you enjoyed as a child or what a friend's kid enjoys.

Try getting up an hour earlier. Get your own shower and breakfast done while he's still in bed, then get him up, a half hour earlier than he usually gets up, and in time to have some brief activity instead of just "go go go get ready". Set a timer for the activity or teach him about telling time - when the time is up, it's time to put it away and go. Tell him he can have the activity as soon as he gets dressed and has his breakfast (or whatever else you want him to do). If he's productive, he gets everything! If he dilly-dallies, he misses time with you or his favorite activity. I'm not sure that calling him is such a good idea - he needs to transition from one activity or setting to another, and your phone calls are tying him to you when he needs to learn to separate. The yelling isn't helping either of you. You need to put him in control of his environment - IF he does abc then he gets xyz. If he doesn't, that's it. I'd try to find a video game you like, but if not, I'd play something that HE thinks is important to show him you are willing to do stuff you don't love because HE does. It's good to figure out what he enjoys about them - it's a way of learning something about your child. If you don't like these games because you object to them (violence, for example), then those games need to be taken away from him entirely! Otherwise, he'll learn by your example that he can do stuff that YOU feel is important. I'm not saying you have to do what he wants - you ARE the mom and you make the decisions. But teaching a little flexibility can work to your advantage.

If you are taking him to daycare or school, if he doesn't get dressed, take him in his PJs a couple of times! Big deal! He'll figure out that it's not the way he wants to leave the house, and he'll start getting a shower and getting dressed. Or give him a bath at night if that works better.

And the guilt is something you are doing to yourself because you are presuming that you are not a good mom. Start believing in yourself, take the stress out of the situation, and stop punishing yourself. We're all in the same boat in many ways - some people just handle it better. you can too!

The fact that you are even concerned shows what a great mom you are. One thing I would add to the rest of the comments is maybe he needs more exercise or physical play outside or at a gym or something. An hour of video games sounds like a lot & maybe just do 20-30 minutes & play outside before hand. My daughter is always a lot fussier if she hasn't has some kind of bigger activity. I think you'll find if he can run around, bike or something, he might be a little less fussy. (They are too tired to whine!) Hang in there. You are not alone in feeling this way!

I think that feeling guilty for not doing "more" is a common theme of motherhood, even when you really are doing the very best that you can. There is always some other mom, doing something some other way, or "better" that we secretly turn around to make ourselves feel guilty. I bet you are doing just great :-)

Also, maybe I'm not enough of a clean freak, but I can't imagine ever attempting to get a 4 year old to take a shower every day in the morning, when you are on a time schedule. To me, this sounds like a recipe for frustration. Personally, I don't think a 4 year old needs a bath or shower every day, since they are not like teenagers who get greasy and smelly after they hit puberty. If you think he needs a shower every day, perhaps you should have him do it before bed so that if he wants to take his time and play in the shower it is not at risk of making you late.

Don't forget about the super-moms. Remember that YOU are one too. You have to be. Everybody's situation is different. It sounds like you are doing just fine. I know we all feel guilty about something. I yelled at my 4 yr. old son several times yesterday and did apologize to him as well. Just remember you are only human. Don't worry about wanting to play everything with him. Just have certain things you guys do together and then things he can do on his own. I'm working on the yelling etc. when I'm trying to get him ready especially in the morning for school. I don't want him to be stressed and rushed all the time. So I have to work on starting the whole process earlier so we aren't rushed.

Spare yourself the guilt trip. It sounds like you are doing okay--like most parents you do some stuff well and could improve in other areas. Part of the problem is that there is so much social pressure to be a perfect mom. Check out the book The Mommy Myth on how much the pressure on moms has increased in the last 20-30 years. BTW, my 4 year old son dawdles horribly in the morning too, we do as much as we can the night before and lots of days are still a struggle. (And getting me up an hour earlier would leave me even more tired and cranky so you have to find what solutions work for you.) I also hate video games and mostly keep them out of the house (I personally think kids under 6 or 7 don't need them, but that is just my opinion).

I think we all feel guilt to an extent-its how we are built. I just wanted to chime in to say-I hate video games too! I really don't think it is in our female gene to enjoy them(I am talking the xbox games like Lego Starwars-not the fun Wii games like tennis) My little boy would always wanted me to play and it was torture. And he would always beat me! I really can't seem to be coordinated enough for them!

Stop with the pressure already. Sit down and figure out what you must do in the morning to get ready on time and leave without fighting. When you come home, have a small break, make dinner together or something. Try working on math for a few days and then writing. He is only 4 years old! Read a book together and not the videos they are not mind stimulating in my opinion and many are violent.

When my son was young I got up an hour earlier and got myself ready because getting 2 ready at once did not work. Plan your clothes for the next day the night before. Learn time management and you will have a little time to look better. It get easier the more you do it. The supermom myth is long gone and I am one of the last that killed it. I had a full time job, 2 kids, a husband and a house to run and did ceramics in the evenings. I had painted finger nails (no acrylics) and makeup daily and took kids back and forth to football and scouts. Now I work full time, take college algebra and maybe sew. Housekeeping gets down when it gets down and am much happier. Kids are grown and out the door so it is hubby and me.

Keep us posted. The other S.

Many mothers feel guilty. But your excessive guilt is making you overindulge your son and then yell at him when you are stretched too thin.

It's good to give your son attention, but it's also good to let him fend for himself. You are giving him too much attention. I promise you that you can say no to him more often, and take more time for yourself, and he will be fine.

It's really hard, if not impossible, to work full time and then find the time to do everything else that needs to be done.

So don't give in to everything he wants you to do, stop feeling guilty, and stop yelling. Yelling is more harmful that telling him no occasionally.

A. Z, you really take the weight of the world on your own shoulders (as someone recently told me I did!!). I know how you feel... you start the day with high hopes, and then somehow fail to meet your expectations as an awesome mom. In the beginning, I tore myself apart for every little mistake I made with my son. I felt awful. And things didn't get much better, because feeling awful actually makes things worse.

The thing is, it sounds like you are a great mom - and when you make a mistake, you apologize for it. This is a wonderful example for your child - he needs to learn that no one is perfect, but that you do apologize when you have done wrong, and that in your heart, you are his mom and you love him. Love is absolutely the most important thing - everything else pales in comparison.

Have confidence that you are a good mom, and things will be fine. There will, of course, be bumps in the road, but just do your best and your child will understand and thrive, too. Best wishes.

it sounds like there are things you want to do differently but aren't sure how to change them. we all feel that way at times. something i have found that helps me is participating in (or setting up my own) program for achieving goals. it helps me recognize the things that i am accomplishing and helps me be patient with the ones that i haven't accomplished yet. when i'm frustrated that i haven't formed a particular good habit, i remind myself that that is part of next month's goals or something and right now i am improving on something else. mornings could go better for you if you get up earlier. take away the rush by being more prepared. if you can't stand the thought of waking earlier than you already are, do more preparation the night before and go to bed half an hour earlier. and ask your son how he feels. is it him who is feeling like you don't play enough with him or is it you comparing yourself to other moms? whenever my kids complain that they want me to play with them more at a time when i can't stop to play, i try to get them involved in something they can do on their own near me. like play-doh or drawing or legos at the dining table while i'm in the kitchen. or looking at books on the couch next to me if i need to read or be on the computer. they know that there are some things like wrestling or bike riding that i'm not going to do with them, but for those things there is someone else in their lives to do that with them on occasion. so they're ok with it. anyway my point is, set some goals for yourself to change the things that are bothering you and the guilt will go away because you will have stopped what you feel guilty about and acknowledged the good you are doing. good luck!

Yes, I feel like a terrible mom. FOr my daughter's 8th birthday, I gave her the gift of forgiving myself and just treasuring her. I have too many memories of feeling not good enough and not enough memories of just being mesmorized by her wonder. And she is wonderful, as I'm sure your boy is.

You're probably doing great. Forgive yourself and focus on just basking in the moment.